How to reconcile with losing my looks?

[BeachBlondey]

First world problem, I know, but I'm really struggling with this.

When I was young, I was very pretty and slim. I was constantly stared at and approached by men. I felt good in my own skin, and loved getting dressed up and going out etc.

I'm now 53, and look every day of it. I'm overweight by about 2 stone, have hooded eyelids, bags under my eyes, a double chin. My skin isn't too wrinkly - I have Botox. I don't look dreadful when I scrub up, but I just feel so down when I look in the mirror, to the point that it's stopping me looking forward to things.

Has anyone come up with a way of just not caring about this stuff? I don't want to feel fed up. I have so much else in my life that's good. DH and I are 4 years away from semi-retirement and have lots of plans. Our children are successful adults. I feel like I need to change my approach, or have a few mantra's to try to alter my mindset.

Thanks for reading.

I am really struggling with how to word this, so I hope I don't say the wrong thing. I am not saying you should stop caring about how you look- I am 51 and still fighting the good fight- but all the important things in your life appear to be going really well. Your DC are happy and successful; that's very rare in these times. You have a good marriage; also rare! You can retire in a few years; rarest of all!:) You have done well because all these things are not easily achieved. I assume you have also had career success.

I am 51, only about half a stone overweight and my skin is very good ( Asian genes), but I would gladly be in your shoes if my DC could be happy and successful. Right now one of them is quite unhappy, and really that is all I think about. DH is not very happy either as the pandemic has meant that he will retire later than planned. I am struggling with peri-menopause. None of us are getting on very well.

Try to remember the important things if you can, though obviously it is not easy AT ALL.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow What a lovely person you sound. Thanks so much for your analysis of me and my guts. I hope you have great joy in your life today having fulfilled your ambition to be an anonymous keyboard warrior and call someone a turd. It must make you feel great.

Have a lovely day 😘

This thread is turning a bit dark……

Talking of not going up a dress size (I have size 8 to 14’s in my wardrobe so not judging anyone BTW or fat shaming). I recall my now sadly gone Mum and Dad reminding me and my sister that the were both the same weight as when they got married in 1961 as when they were in their 60’s and 70’s.

One of my Mums theorys was that if they went up a size when they were young adults they couldn’t afford to buy new clothes so had to keep their weights stable and that stuck with them throughout their lives.

Often when I have to buy a size up for an event when I have a wardrobe full of clothes that I’d love to wear but don’t fit, I recall my Mum saying that and feel a bit guilty that I have that ‘luxury’ of being able to go out and reluctantly buy a size bigger.

Maybe if I didn’t I’d have the willpower to keep my weight stable 😂

Sorry Coolas but your post was utterly tone-deaf and I for one appreciated Lucy picking up on it.

You've clearly never struggled with weight so perhaps you can be forgiven for not appreciating how dispiriting it is to have someone parade their superior willpower in your face, but surely you can see that what you said was pretty insensitive given the tenor of other posts.

You feel stung by Lucy's reprimand but perhaps you will think twice before posting what really sounded like a brag next time.

My own rule is I will never move up a size. I'm a 10 in most clothes , sometimes an 8. I'd never 'graduate' to a 12 because that's a slippery slope

I don’t understand why so many have taken offence to @CoolasCucumbers comment and why she got called a turd for it just because she won’t let herself get to a size 12? She hasn’t called other posters fat slobs, she was talking about her own rules for herself and yet she gets called a turd for it? Don’t get it.

I am a few years shy of 50, and still care very much about my appearance. I do not think there is anything wrong with this, nor is it wrong that I will continue to look after complexion/skin, watch/maintain my weight and keep in shape. Indeed, I consider this investing in myself, and for my future

So you're what, 48? I was still pretty good looking at 48. I felt the same as you. The change in my face between 48 and 53 is quite surprising, and there's not a lot I can do about it!

Yes, you are right of course. I absolutely DO need to focus on the good stuff. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Yes I thought that was harsh. The OP specifically opened the discussion around weight loss as an option to feel better. I took that poster to be saying that for her weight management is an important way to feel good about herself. It's just another suggestion for the OP in the same vein as getting fillers or learning not to care. We're all just saying what works for us, as we were invited to.

Are you interested in fashion? If so I'd go big with clothes instead rather than focusing on jowls and wrinkles. You don't need to start dressing wacky a la Sue Pollard or anything like that (unless you want to) but find a woman of a similarish age who's considered a style icon, say Anna dell Russo or Isabelle Huppert or Lucinda Chambers or whoever it might be and see if you can channel some of their confidence through clothes. It might be fun!

I’m not sure anyone calling another poster a “twat” or a “turd” can claim any sort of moral highground. Vile.

Anyway. Moving right along………

I came here to write exactly this. I’m 41. I have hashimotos which has ruined my looks. I got onto t3 medication and ozempic both costing £300 a month. I lost all the weight then gained some back when I hit early menopause.
I also got sober in that time.
and my ex left me for a woman 8 years younger. They are now married with kids.
I feel fat ugly worthless and lonely. I can’t dress and I think I’m developing a disorder.
anyway the only thing I’ve learnt during this time is the theory but I’m yet to put it into practise: therapy can help us work out what we place value on that means we feel worthless because we are no longer attractive ( one thing I will say is I know plenty of plain people who are very happy often happier than attractive people)

I should add I do 20,000 steps a day and work with a PT. I weightctrain & eat a calorie controlled diet.My muscle mass is high and my visceral fat is optimal. But my other fat is high and generally my face & body are saggy and worn.
sorry OP not much help just thought I should point out in case anyone thinks it’s easy to stay attractive by doing all of the above trust me hormones and illness soon take over ( for me anyway)

I’m not sure about loosing the weight making you look better. I would work on toning up and building muscle but not weight loss.
I think we naturally can put on weight as we age and that’s ok. Some very slim people look worse when they age - (I’m think of Gwyneth Paltrow who I think looks unwell, with lanky hair, sun damaged skin, low in iron and energy). I think as we age, the most we can hope for is to look healthy and vital and happy. Yes you might not turn heads as you enter a bar, but look for validation elsewhere and you will find it

Think about the fact that when you are 80 you will look back at 50 and see a woman in her prime.

Get some pics of women you think look good - not necs actors as they often have work done, just women in public life with a bit of flare

Get your hair, make up, clothes sorted (stylist, makeover)

Weights and yoga

water, a good diet, enough sleep

HRT if you want

Tweakments to fix anything really bothering you

Yes, I'm 48 but am already three years post menopause, and know that this can accelerate ageing. I would say that I look great, no wrinkles, no jowls and thanks to genetics and very good cheekbones, I look god, still have a tight jawline and and have no real concerns at present, but this rarely goes down well on Mumsnet. I would also say that when I went through a huge change facially when I went through perimenopause during my early 40s, and I do credit HRT and weight training (to lose the weight I piled on) a huge factor in looking better now than I did then.

But it's different for everyone. And the point I was trying to make is that I don't think it's bad that some care about how they look. Just because some don't care about wrinkles, others do, very much. There is nothing wrong with this. I think there's a huge amount of shaming on Mumsnet for those who care about their appearance. I mean, just look at the woman on this thread who doesn't want to move up a dress size. So much censure, when really, it's just her looking after herself.

I was so hot when I was young and it is hard losing it

I still look "okay" early 40s but damn I do miss my looks of me 20s and 30s (Altho I would not want to go back as my life is way better in that I'm financially solvent and have a decent career etc. whereas when I was young my life was a total mess and I was skint 😆)

What helps me is exercise which helps my mind and also just makes me feel good. And I'd probably be fatter with out it

I do running and pole dancing

@BeachBlondey - it sounds like you've got your life stuff sorted and wow you can retire soon. I've got about 14 years to go.

There are things you can do to make yourself feel better about your appearance. I used to be told I was attractive when I was younger and I wasn't too bad in my 40s. I have aged a lot in my 50s so I know how you feel.

There are a few posts about weight. I would say that being too thin is more ageing than being heavier. I unintentionally lost weight recently and it's made my face look older.

I think a few of you seem to have benefited from “pretty privilege” in your younger years and you’re now discovering the realities of the withdrawal of something you’ve always taken for granted. Welcome to the real world. It’s quite interesting how high up some of you seem to place your jowls or neck wrinkles in terms of priorities. I would suggest practicing acceptance and gratitude for all the positives rather than chasing “aesthetic “ solutions.

@Divebar2021 - Not. at all. Personally I am grateful for gaining confidence and wisdom over the years which I value over looks. Despite this it isn't pleasant looking in the mirror at times at an ageing face with smile lines but I try to make the best of what I have.

This!!

Hi Op

I find that anything that gets my body moving helps me feel good about it.

This is a good read (no paywall).
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/08/ask-philippa-perry-i-hate-my-ageing-body-why-do-i-look-at-myself-with-disgust

Hi Op
Look into getting into mediation or doing something else that's spiritual in a different way,

I know you are only a few years away from retirement,
But have you ever thought of a bit/Some volunteering in something you are curious to know or learn something more about, ?
You can be flexible with the amount of volunteering you want to do,

It's not just working in charity shops,
You be susprised at volunteering opportunities
Even volunteering opportunities with wildlife nature conservation abroad and helping out at Archeology interest sites, maybe you might find the next interesting big find in Archeology circles,

What I am trying to say rediscover hobbies /interests
Have a go at anything of interest to you, so have fun and all ubove activities will boost your cofindence,
Creative Arts 🎨 of all kinds wonderful thing to get into,
Doesn't matter how good you are, just have a go and have fun with for therapeutic reasons,
Eventbrite. Com
you will find all kinds of interesting talks online /face to face events on 🎨 eclectic Art scene and other stuff
Also treat yourself to Holistic therapies session such as hot stone massage extra or something else take your fancy,

I could have written this. I'm 50. Up till about 5 years ago, I looked very young for my age, and was slim and attractive.
Now, I feel unrecognizable!

It was a combination of multiple IVFs (with steroids which cause weight gain), a twin pregnancy, straight into menopause after pregnancy, lockdown.

I'm now 1.5 stone overweight. I work long hours in a senior stressful role. I'm a lone parent to twin 3-year olds, so have no time for me. I've no time for any exercise, since I'm either working or minding my kids. I permanently look exhausted, since my twins still wake me up a couple of times a night and then I can't get back to sleep thinking about work.

To feel more like "me", I know I need to lose the weight, buy flattering clothes, spend time on my grooming (hair colour, tan, make-up, etc), fit in exercise. Hopefully as my twins get older, I'll be able to carve out more time, and also step back a bit in work.

I have zero pretty privilege, and I still struggle with it. However, I have never had any tweakments and I am not going to have any. I will learn to live with my jowls.

What I am doing is 'doing' more; meeting new people, attending events, joining a choir, travelling, long walks.... I keep busy and don't look in mirrors. I am more than my face.