How to reconcile with losing my looks?

[BeachBlondey]

First world problem, I know, but I'm really struggling with this.

When I was young, I was very pretty and slim. I was constantly stared at and approached by men. I felt good in my own skin, and loved getting dressed up and going out etc.

I'm now 53, and look every day of it. I'm overweight by about 2 stone, have hooded eyelids, bags under my eyes, a double chin. My skin isn't too wrinkly - I have Botox. I don't look dreadful when I scrub up, but I just feel so down when I look in the mirror, to the point that it's stopping me looking forward to things.

Has anyone come up with a way of just not caring about this stuff? I don't want to feel fed up. I have so much else in my life that's good. DH and I are 4 years away from semi-retirement and have lots of plans. Our children are successful adults. I feel like I need to change my approach, or have a few mantra's to try to alter my mindset.

Thanks for reading.

Are you looking at yourself in a particular mirror everyday and it's especially getting you down?

I felt I had aged dramatically and looked awful, dark hollows under my eyes, makeup looked worse, teeth were stained, body was showing every imperfection.

Then I realised that I had painted my bedroom(where I can see myself fully naked, apply my makeup, dry my hair, the only place I actually spend time looking at myself) ochre - a colour I adore but can't wear as it makes me look dead. Turns out it does the same thing on your walls. I had it validated by an architect on here ;)

So I installed a mirror in a different bedroom with paint that suits me better and I look 50% better.

Just an idea

I don’t know if it helps but I just want to say wow you are amazing. I have a friend in similar position to you ( stressful job, IVF, kids later etc). I don’t look at her and see lines or weight gain. I see a strong powerful capable woman I respect. I’m sure those around you do too. Hugs

Mmmm. I think what what makes many people look attractive is a certain attitude of internal grace and openness towards others.

Well said. I find it completely alien when older women lament about this. Beauty is only skin deep - character, depth, wisdom, connection, integrity, love, laughter, fun, family etc etc are so much more important and fundamental to who a person actually is.

I’m unattractive but I’ve been loved and valued by so many fantastic people in my life, I feel so lucky and privileged. I do groom and wear make up but I really couldn’t give a shit what the world thinks of my saggy, ageing looks!

Uwhatnow

When your plain you don't get nasty bitchiness from other women . You can laugh and joke with a man without him thinking you're coming on to him . He thinks you're being bubbly. I take plain over good looks any day .

I agree with those who mentioned exercise. It helps me enormously with positivity and acceptance.

I used to model in my youth (I'm speaking of teenage years) but mainly, beauty, hair and some catalogue modelling and that sort of thing. I wasn't tall enough at 5ft 6. I have found approaching middle age with mixed feelings. On one hand I have had trouble with stalker-type men and harassment, and negativity and bitchiness from some women. On the other hand it will be nice when time does finally put paid to that (though sad that's what it takes).

Anyway, I found it helped to find role models and inspiration my age and older. Exercise, as mentioned, and meditation and good diet.

Its not either/or though, is it? That you only gain character, wisdom, depth, fun, laughter, family, friends etc on the loss of your beauty. The attractive women I know don't lack all of those other things. Most have wit, intelligence, kindness, depth, fulfilling lives, and a lovely appearance as the icing on the cake. So yes, when older they will still have the cake, but its not that difficult to see why one might miss the icing.

Depends why you would prioritise looks as the ‘icing’ in that list of phenomenal qualities… ‘to be attractive to men’? Ugh, nah.

I'm not prioritising looks, I'm saying that in an otherwise lovely life, few people would disagree that good looks wouldn't be a bonus.
There's not many people of either sex who given the choice would say 'No good looks for me thanks! I prefer mine plain...' is there?
Sometimes it's about attracting men (or women) if you want sex or a relationship, but often it's just because human beings prefer looking at lovely things, and that applies to their own faces too.

Well said @5128gap agree very much with your posts, I love looking at fashion magazines and seeing the ‘otherworldly’ models both male and female, just as I like looking at beautiful art or a beautiful view.

You can still look great! Obvs looks don’t matter blah blah. But! Book a salon visit. New hair. Do your nails, some new makeup , perfume and face packs. Spoil yourself!

Polo necks?

I was considered attractive when I was younger. It wasn't always an asset as I sometimes got comments along the lines of "cheer up you're a pretty girl" if something was bothering me.

It's quite liberating now to be invisible. I think I look OK for my age, nothing special. I'm OK with that because I think I have more to offer than just looking good.

I think attractiveness is all in the eyes of the beholder anyway. I've seen men with not very pretty women who dress in sexy clothes and are smiley. Obviously personality counts as well.

There should be a like button!

Looks aren't lost: they change

@BeachBlondey I'd also recommend reading books like The Beauty Myth and Hags: Demonisation of Middle Aged Women.

It's easy to go up a notch or two looks wise , it's packaging basically . Make up , jewellery, sexy clothing , heels etc and the way people carry themselves. Most people are average looking. It's smoke and mirrors .

Wow! How jealous do you sound?! lots, the answer is lots

There's nothing wrong with being slim and this poster wasn't shaming the OP or anyone else, she was expressing a different opinion to some of them. Obviously touched a nerve with you.

Thanks @EasterEggBunny . I was actually shocked that @MissLucyEyelesbarrow 's response.

I wasn't boasting. I was saying what works for me.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow You know nothing about me or my weight history.

I did have a 'fat' stage in my life, when I was very unhappy at how I looked, and vowed that the only way to stop it was to take action early on. Maybe I learned it partly from my parents, who had the same approach- never go above half a stone before taking action. As they lived to their 90s, they were a good advert.

Yes, I have good guts and I've had them analysed very recently, taking part in some research.

I recall someone asking Princess Anne how she managed to stay slim and wear the same clothes for decades.
'I'm too mean to buy bigger sizes, so I take care' was her reply.

Sorry @BeachBlondey that your thread was hijacked by some nasty sniping.

Why would she be ‘jealous’ if she has a similar BMI?