tell me my obsession is healthy!

[babymooner]

Apologies if this is a bit rambling. Long time lurker and reader of all posts style and beauty. The essence of my question is how okay is it to care deeply about clothes and general appearance?
Let me explain. I am a fifty year old woman. Three children (in or approaching teenage years), a very happy marriage and a very fulfilling career. i am also border line obsessed with clothes and my appearance. I've kibbed myself, done my colours, created style boards, cleared out and replenished my wardrobe, photographed good outfits, and spent a small fortune on clothes (new, ebay, charity shops, the whole works). All (most) of which I love, and I earn good money so it's okay. But is it okay? Every so often I do wonder... to whatend? Who is this for? i don't have a sparkling social life (see: three children and full time big job). I don't have anyone I'm trying to 'keep up with'. It's all just me and my head. It's not a confidence thing either - I'm very comfortable in my skin, etc etc. And yet the time and effortI put into buyingclothes, organising clothes(because I have so many), planning outfits etc you'd think I was in the public eye or running a fashion business.
Is this normal? is this okay? More to the point, does anyone else do this? To be clear, I get joy from it. I have always loved fashion and clothes and I'm a creative, so use clothes to express myself. But sometimes I am literally expressing myself to the dog, and I do worry that I should get over myself. Then again, when I see someone in the street who looks fantastic, it makes me smile and I always compliment them. My worry is that sometimes I'll accept an invitation and the main thing I'm thinking about is that it gives me an opportunity to wear a particular dress/item of clothing that I've bought and which has been sitting in my wardrobe waiting for an opportunity. Am I dressing for my life, or living for my clothes? Does it matter either way? Sometimes I think I should live in Rome where dressing up is a thing in itself:) But I don't... I live in suburban, leafy London. So... thoughts? Please don't be too mean...

I already have Dry Partly because it's turned colder and partly because, well I'm ready.

It was cool yesterday & I rather excitedly wore my oversized sweatshirt, wide leg trousers and trainers to the supermarket and discovered everyone else in shorts and flip flops. I haven’t swapped my clothes over yet because we might get some late sun and boots season is long in the U.K. - I don’t want to launch into it prematurely. I also haven’t worked out what boots to go for. I have been wearing the same ones 2 / 3 years and am not sure what shape I want going forward.

I love autumn clothes! I think I often struggle with summer clothing, particularly this year, but enjoy more layers!
I'm fed up with the high st, though - I had a look round at the weekend. What dull and uninspiring collections unless you want leggings and sweatshirts.

Love this thread so much you have started a wonderful feelgood thread on S&B babymooner

I also challenge less these days because I've come round to thinking there's more than one thing going on and that some posts - particularly the 'Am I too old for ...?' threads - are about loss of confidence as much as anything, in which case me snarking isn't really going to help.

I’d like to think I’ve ceased quarrelling with those threads, but far too often I’m provoked into a blunt reply - and, after the ensuing fight, have to run away and change my name. I will try harder to be understanding …

Also clothes really do start to look different on you as you get older and body changes start to bite, and I think we need to be able to talk about it. So increasingly I might wince at the wording of a post but let it go if I think the underlying conversation is worth having.

This I accept. But what does it have to do with berets? And countless trainer threads (for those with unchanged feet.)?

Where I still have no patience is when posters talk about older women as if we all look the same and have the same tastes and lifestyles, and of course with the never ending use of 'middle aged', 'pensioner' and 'old lady' as synonyms for 'boring' and 'ugly'. It's fucking tedious.

Yup.

(I very nearly started a thread, recently, objecting to the sickly use of ‘ladies’ to refer to women perceived to beyond middle age. Or even just women older than the speaker. I soon won’t be fifty-something. I’ll deck anyone who refers to me as a ‘lady’. )

@ShrikeAttack, you're simply stunning.
My struggle: years of eating struggles, stress and life have rapidly aged me. I have lost the prettiness of my twenties (as I have been unpleasantly reminded by some odd people) and never found a way of feeling good about myself as I hurtle towards 50. I keep my eyes down when I walk out. I want to reclaim myself, but how?
Not much more to say at the moment, just to say - everyone, keep posting; I'm loving this.

This I accept. But what does it have to do with berets? And countless trainer threads (for those with unchanged feet.)?
Ha ha I know! But I think when you lose your confidence it's easy to start doubting everything, especially if you have teenage daughters, who can be pitiless. Before you know it, you're in fear of anything that might draw attention to yourself. I found it all a lot easier once I'd twigged that absolutely no-one was looking at me any more so I might as well just please myself.

I still bite sometimes - and I'm far too lazy to name change - but these days I try and reserve the rough edge of my tongue for posters who don't seem to know the difference between 'old' and 'ugly' - and who then get huffy when it's pointed out.

Ha! Being soon-won’t-be-fifty-something I’m finding the “I don’t want to dress like my 60 year old mother” posts quite fight-inducing …

As regards autumn clothes - I’m interrogating the La Fetiche site several times a day in case of appearance of new collection. (Though relieved I didn’t succumb to a silk blouse in preparation for a conference that’s now cancelled.)

Awfully, I still have a new Summer dress not yet worn.

I’m finding the “I don’t want to dress like my 60 year old mother” posts quite fight-inducing …
You know I think the last time I responded to one of those I was ever so gracious (well I thought so) ... and totally ignored. So next time I might just join you for old times sake, or at least hold your lovely coat for you.

Ah. I got a bit feisty on the "do these sandals make me look like a pensioner?" thread.
There followed comments about sandals making you look like you arranged flowers at church.
I think some of these women truly believe they will never grow older

Ah. I got a bit feisty on the "do these sandals make me look like a pensioner?" thread

I missed that. My mums in her 70’s and has a major shopping habit - wouldn’t be seen dead in any shoe flatter than a clog. I do benefit from her cast offs - particularly as she’s lost a big chunk of weight recently. She doesn’t really “get” my style though…I love an ugly shoe, androgyny, oversized, menswear etc etc even though I can do “sexy sexy” or pretty when I want to. I’m not saying I’m particularly stylish but I’ve moved beyond that point of feeling invisible that I had in my mid 40’s. I’m not invisible - I’m pretty cool. Other people seem to be chained to rules that I’m not interested in… I spent the Trinny & Susannah years following the rules for my body type until I twigged that it doesn’t matter if everything I wear isn’t conventionally flattering. I know if I wore a fitted sweater or a V neck it’s flattering but sometimes I want oversized for the look or comfort. I have to admit to some “misses” over the years but at least I was experimenting. I’d rather be an eccentric 51 year old than a dull, safe one.

I think you're right, Divebar about certain "rules" which can just stop creativity/limit enjoyment. Wear these colours, only these shapes etc.
Good to hear about your mum. I'm 61 and still enjoying fashion, I've no intention of giving up any time soon!

Oh wow this all sounds so uplifting. You are inspiring me here.
Please please give me advice.
I feel I have no style, I have 4 kids with extra needs. I am Permanently exhausted. I mean nearly dead exhausted😔 I have so little time to myself,actually correction, I have no time and no energy for myself.
I work part time.
But reading this and sending your zest for life has just been so uplifting.
Please advice, where would
I start and who could I "follow" to get basic tips on how to develop a nice style for myself. I feel so low and exhausted that I know if I could dress up easily in very little time that require little effort but still look stylish and feminine then it could give me the boost I do desperately need in my life.
I do love clothes and I love to admire on others but I don't know where to start, I am not really overweight, I am tall and have slim legs but so am obsessed with hiding my loose,flabby belly and sides. So I usually throw on a loose top/jeggings.
Sorry by the way, I do t mean to bring down the uplifting mood of this thread but you come across so satisfied with life and it's so refreshing. Please could you point me in some direction 🙏🏼

Well, @douliket, you've produced 4 humans, so it's hardly surprising you've got a bit of a tum! Four children must be exhausting, especially if they have any additional needs, so I'm full of admiration that you're not currently on the sofa with a bottle of gin (maybe you are!)
What kind of budget? If you want to go more feminine, would you wear dresses? Try to add colour, it'll be a good starting point perhaps.

@douliket you sound extraordinary. My advice would be to find some nice jeans. Just that. Give yourself that one task and see it as a fun thing to do (Journey as much as destination). Buy some, try them, send them back if they don't work. Have your trying on time as 'me time' if you can find it. Admire yourself, work out why some work and others don't. Don't give two hoots about sizing. Try dark, pale, in between, straight, wide, skinny, flared... and when you've found your perfect pair, rejoice. Then do the same with a really nice top/shirt/something else. And one by one you'll build a wardrobe you love and that loves you. Wine and music whilst trying on are a good idea (if that's possible). And take photos of yourself in the mirror - you can refer back and it'll help you work out what suits you and what doesn't. We are all different and something that looks good one person might look awful on someone else. But one item at a time won't be terrifying or leave you feeling hopeless if a shopping trip doesn't work out. And send us a pic when you've found them:) x

And YES to autumn clothes!! I have always LOVED it when shops are suddenly full of knitwear and boots and coats and lovely rich colours. Although after crap summer was hoping we might have a few more days of warmth... Am currently contemplating some lovely quilted ballet flats to take me from sandal weather to boots weather, but worried we'll be in boots weather so quickly I won't wear them...

@Divebar2021

Ah. I got a bit feisty on the "do these sandals make me look like a pensioner?" thread

I missed that. My mums in her 70’s and has a major shopping habit - wouldn’t be seen dead in any shoe flatter than a clog. I do benefit from her cast offs - particularly as she’s lost a big chunk of weight recently. She doesn’t really “get” my style though…I love an ugly shoe, androgyny, oversized, menswear etc etc even though I can do “sexy sexy” or pretty when I want to. I’m not saying I’m particularly stylish but I’ve moved beyond that point of feeling invisible that I had in my mid 40’s. I’m not invisible - I’m pretty cool. Other people seem to be chained to rules that I’m not interested in… I spent the Trinny & Susannah years following the rules for my body type until I twigged that it doesn’t matter if everything I wear isn’t conventionally flattering. I know if I wore a fitted sweater or a V neck it’s flattering but sometimes I want oversized for the look or comfort. I have to admit to some “misses” over the years but at least I was experimenting. I’d rather be an eccentric 51 year old than a dull, safe one.

I love a lot of Cos clothes in terms of shape and how they sort of bypass that whole is it flattering/does it fit me. They just sort of hang there but to my mind, in a very cool and pared back way. To me they are clothes for women who dress to suit themselves, not men or other women. You do have to have a certain confidence to wear some of their stuff, knowing others are probably thinking 'why is she wearing that shapeless bag?'

I still have time for Trinny and Susannah because, until they came along, I had no idea why some things looked good on me while other stuff didn't. It was like having someone explain alchemy. I think understanding 'the rules' is liberating because then you can make an informed choice about whether or not or how closely to follow them.

But these days they're starting to feel more like a straightjacket than a guide and I agree there's more to getting dressed than wearing what's flattering, and that self expression is just as important.

And @popularinthe80s why are people so bloody mean and horrible? I bet you look just as 'pretty' as you did in your twenties, just with more knowledge and wisdom:) Whoever said wear colour was right - there is nothing more cheering or confidence-exhibiting than fabulous colour. So buy a colourful scarf or jumper, do something new with your hair and put on some lipstick. Then smile at yourself in the mirror:)

Which brings me to your post douliket. If you have four children with extra needs then that must be all consuming so don't feel bad.

I'm pretty sure Trinny and Susannah would have said something along the lines of, invest in some decent underwear and then stop worrying about your belly and focus on showing off the things you like best about yourself, e.g. your legs and your height. To which I would add, go for things that make you feel alive and excited, whether they fit the rules or not.

Also, when you have so little time I'd look for quick wins such as lipstick and perfume, which can be applied in seconds but can really lift how you feel. When I was very short of time I also prioritised a good, low maintenance hair cut - in fact I still do.

I'm not on Instagram so can't recommend anyone to follow but I'm sure other posters can.

Thank you, @babymooner. Why are other women so unkind to women? It's a PhD topic. It's a lifelong journey of trying to unpick internalised oppression. It's a bloody head-screw.
@Floisme, 'alive and excited' - yes. @douliket, this woman speaketh the truth.

so come on then, what we are looking at for Autumn?

I'll go then... cord and tweed blazers (love blazers; would wear one over a bikini instead of a kaftan if I could). Possible ballet flats (tried some on today but daughter said they looked nice but my feet/legs are 'too pale for shoes'. This is a new one on me but will add fake tan to shopping basket if required. Have already bought some taupe chino type trousers to ease my way back to office dressing. Would quite like to buy a maxi skirt but I struggle a bit with them. Am fine boned and quite angular so anything floaty/flowery doesn't quite work.

Ok you all have me welling up here. Thank you all for being so helpful and so nice. This has been the highlight of my day so thank you. So firstly,I'm off to invest in good Jeans and good underwear!
Wow,I feel a little excited if not slightly(ever so slightly reenergised).
Thank you everyone x

yay! so pleased if we helped. jeans and good underwear never a bad place to start:)