Letting my hair go grey at 43

[Blurpblorp]

I've been dyeing it brown for 15 years and am just fed up. Had enough of the unfair beauty standard. Had enough of feeling shame / embarrassment when my roots grow through. Fed up of the expense of dyeing it.

My hair is a salt and pepper colour with white streaks I think, but currently dark blonde. Has anyone got any tips for dealing with this transition, then for life with grey hair at a relatively young age? How to deal with the awful way it looks while it grows out... Any shampoo recommendations? I have quite a lot of black in my wardrobe so imagine I might have to wear different colours?

I've got bob length hair, am alright looking, decent skin, niceish figure although my hair is shit really fine. I think if I keep it cut nicely and in good condition I could pull it off. Don't want to look old before my time. I'm really excited about it but would appreciate any advice!

@Herbie0987 definitely silver. This is with purple shampoo as a PP was asking what it did. I definitely notice the difference.

@KingOfDogShite completely agree - it's our perception that's out of whack not my hair colour. Very few people will have no grey hair in their 40's and even fewer in their 50s.

Nothing wrong with looking your age but if you are grey at 40 you don't look 40 you look 60 !!

This is obviously bollocks, but the main reason I can think of that people may assume you are older is because they are not used to seeing younger women with non-dyed grey hair, and are only used to seeing grey hair on older women. Hopefully as more women stop routinely dying their hair to conform to society's expectations, everybody will get used to seeing women in their 30s, 40s and 50s with natural hair and realise that grey hair is not the preserve of the over 60s.

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords very likely the reason, it is usually older people in their late 60's and 70's who are grey so we assume people who are grey are older.
I am not debating the rights or wrongs of it - the op asked for opinions and I gave mine. I think relatively young people who are grey , unless sallow skinned, look older than they would if they colored their hair.
I personally don't care about looking young but don't want to look older than I am either (even though I do).
I am not grey though weirdly, the only beauty problem I don't seem to have!
Great if people love being grey, I thought we were allowed to have different opinions on a discussion site..

I started last year when I was 39 and I love my new sparkly hair, I am just impatient for it to grow long enough to have all my "old" hair cut off.

I use Fudge ultra violet shampoo and I Heart Revolution rainbow tones toner on it, my grey hair is so much healthier and smoother than my dyed hair.

Dh is nearly 50 and, thanks to genetics, has zero grey or white hairs on his head. He has a few white eyelashes and eyebrow hairs though. Git!

I'm allergic mildly to box dye so don't/can't risk a greater reaction in the future and have had to call it a day with the home dyeing. I cba with the time, expense and fuss it takes to get foils, which is safer as it doesn't touch my scalp.

What I have done, first, is go lighter. Accidentally, a home ombre/streaks set left me blonde all over. Which I got compliments for. Mostly it made any regrowth harder to see initially and blended in quite well.

Then, I was about 4 weeks overdue going for foils or deciding to lighten it myself again at home, when the lockdown started. When my hair is cut to the chin/shoulder length I like, I will be half grown out.

I'm not really grey. I'm more white. Lots around my face and in my top layers of hair. Going still quite dark underneath, but I've seen many nice photos of natural people with that colour mix. So I'm just embracing it. IF I hate it when it's all grown out (as my 45yo friend just has) then I can get foils on it again or use the one box dye kit I know doesn't react. Otherwise I'm just going to leave it and enjoy not having to fuss with the dyes.

Thanks each and every one for your posts. I really did want all sides and opinions and thank you to everyone. The ones suggesting it's not great to go grey in your forties isn't something I haven't thought already but my mind's made up now. And a pair of tough titties to anyone who doesn't like it!

@Mercedes519 wow I don't think I'm as silver as you but your hair is amazing. It's properly silver! I love it! And your point about authenticity is exactly how I feel - I'm fed up of pretending I'm something I'm not. I have about 4 inches of grey on top and to see it coming through from my scalp as my genuine hair colour is a weird kind of a thrill I'd never had thought of before. Or maybe it's just the absence of the shame I used to feel when my dye started to grow out every 6 weeks.

Thanks for the recommendation for shampoos. And headbands - I've got a headscarf I've worn occasionally and I was thinking to get more. Stupid question that I've made it to 43 and don't know; what is a toner? If I use that isn't it just a kind of dye that I'd have to maintain anyway?

My plan is to maintain a good hair cut routine, nice clothes, make up, eat right and exercise and otherwise work on my personal charactieristics that make a person sparkling or attractive

Luckily, my life is not about pleasing men with my hair

One of my class stood next to me while I was sitting down the other year and said "Oh, Mrs M, your hair's twinkling". So that's how I think of my grey/white.

I will admit, I know two people that have gone grey and both of them looked far, far better before. It has completely washed out their faces and aged them.

But they both love the freedom of ditching the dye.

I have got some toners and semi permanent dyes at home but only permanent dye seemed to cover it particularly around the hairline.

I only used the toner while transitioning! It just helped tone my "growing out" highlighted hair to make it match my new hair a bit better. As soon as I get the dyed hair chopped off, I will just stick to purple shampoo.

@workshy44

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords very likely the reason, it is usually older people in their late 60's and 70's who are grey so we assume people who are grey are older. I am not debating the rights or wrongs of it - the op asked for opinions and I gave mine. I think relatively young people who are grey , unless sallow skinned, look older than they would if they colored their hair. I personally don't care about looking young but don't want to look older than I am either (even though I do). I am not grey though weirdly, the only beauty problem I don't seem to have! Great if people love being grey, I thought we were allowed to have different opinions on a discussion site..

Obviously we are allowed different opinions, it's just when people make sweeping generalisations others will disagree with them. If you had said, I think I look older with grey hair than I do with dyed hair, then fair enough, but lots of people with natural hair don't look older than their real age.

@workshy44 it’s not particularly aimed at you, just the general response of ‘you look 20 years older’ and behind that the judgement that you’ve ‘let yourself go’ as if we’re in some dreadful 50’s sitcom.

There is some seriously fucked up shit behind all of this. The toxic feminity that drives it with valuing looks and youth over everything else. That cause pain, costs stupid amount of money and time to ‘maintain’ something. For who?

I appreciate that the OP did not post this in feminism so I won’t go on but when people have these views on going grey I’d love just one person to have a think where these opinions are coming from. Question the reality and see whether it really is true or we’re just conditioned to know it. Maybe we can reset what a women looks like into who she is?

And OP - good for you

I do think the problem is that we've always been encouraged to dye hair and so society's perception of what a 40 year old looks like is completely different to what a lot of 40+ year olds actually look like.

Thanks for the tip of the bleach london shampoos etc and the hair scrub!

I'm mid 40s and dark haired with a lot of silver at the front. I've never coloured my hair and have no plans to do so. I just find life busy with work, kids, house etc and I don't need anything else on my schedule. I've had some mildly positive comments and no negative ones. Wanting to look young is a strange concept really. If you are lucky you might have grey hair for much longer than your original colour.

I am with the "grey hair makes one look older" camp. In my observations, it is only when a woman is very pretty and/or youthful that grey hair don't age her. If she is average looking so to say, or has an older looking skin, grey hair accentuates it. We have a trainer in our gym, she is 50 with waist-length grey hair and she is stunning. Not everyone can pull it off. Of course, it is also OK to just not care.

What do people think about dying it a silvery colour? Then when the grey grows it will just blend in?

@Mercedes519, I think the pressure is just coming from advertising. Nobody makes any money out of women who are happy with their natural hair colour. The same way that no corporations made money out of plucked eyebrows so now the eyebrow fashion is for shapes that need lots of products.
Totally fine for people who are interested in beauty products etc as a hobby. But nobody should be feeling pressure to be "groomed".

@MandalaYogaTapestry

I am with the "grey hair makes one look older" camp. In my observations, it is only when a woman is very pretty and/or youthful that grey hair don't age her. If she is average looking so to say, or has an older looking skin, grey hair accentuates it. We have a trainer in our gym, she is 50 with waist-length grey hair and she is stunning. Not everyone can pull it off. Of course, it is also OK to just not care.

I don't think it makes women look older that their age, in the same way that it doesn't make men look older their age.

I would start getting ashy blonde highlights, then less next time (otherwise you'll have a big line if you suddenly stop dyeing your hair!) and use a purple toner

Also 43 here but haven't gone grey yet. Haven't dyed it since teens as I like my colour.

I'd like to just let it happen when it happens though, so watching/reading with interest.

Can I add my take on it. I have been going grey for about 20 years but despite this am not ready to ditch the dye.

I've gone from dark brown with grey at the front to now a light ash blonde. It took about 4 years to do that gradually and while I have thought about taking my hair darker I don't think I could go with the dyeing every 3/4 weeks. I now dye my hair at home every 8 weeks to top it up and my hairdresser asked if it was my natural colour.

I'm not ready to go grey but each time their own.