How to stop looking like middle-aged woman who shops at M&S

[deepflatflyer]

Quick answer, I know, is not to shop at M&S but I'm in a rut. Thing is, I've looked like a frump for at least the last 15 years. I'm 50. Some more info:

• 5'6". 11 stone. Ideally I'd be closer to 10 as I have been in the past. Peri-menopausal and it seems so hard just to shift a few pounds.

-32E bra and am wearing the correct size.

• size 12 top (slender round the rib cage) but 14 waist and 16 hips - big hips / thighs / bum
• problems with feet - mortons neuroma and bunions. So limited in footwear dept. Stout trainers are best and at the most glam I can wear some but not all things you'd find in Hotter or similar.
• I work from home which is lucky but on the other hand it means I've retreated further into the frumpy rut because nobody sees me.
• I can rustle up an outfit and scrub up to presentable when I have to. But look oh so boring.
• I try to make the most of my hair but always end up disappointed. Hair is thick and difficult. Short hair doesn't suit me as I have an uninteresting face
• I do try with accessories and have some nice scarves and necklaces.
• wear glasses which I hate and am saving to replace. Contact lenses aren't comfortable.
• am entirely out of practice with make up although I do have some. Most I use is powder/ lipgloss / mascara.
• even when I go out I have to walk / get trains etc so end up going for sensible shoes / raincoat / rucksack so never look remotely 'special'
• husband doesn't give a shit so no encouragement / incentive there
• could probably do with some facial depilatory but not sure where to start
• not a huge budget to spend on myself and take no joy in shopping

Any tips /words of encouragement appreciated. Various shitty things going / gone on in my life so be gentle...

Been there.

It dosn't really matter where you shop or what shoes you need to wear. A good haircut and being at a size/weight you're happy with (whatever that is) make all the difference. Otherwise you'll just dress to hide.

I walk with flat shoes and backpack. I have this mac (mine is red) which has a hood, it just feels a bit better than a hiking coat but does the same job. I carry this back pack, although I paid less for it at the outlet store and my 12" laptop fits in with purse and other paraphernalia. Have you looked at Reiker shoes, similar to hotter but more colourful. Or have you looked at Hotter trainers?

www.davidbarry.com/db302-womens-hooded-mac-raincoat-18823-p.asp

www.fiorelli.com/bethan-richmond-floral-backpacks.html

@deepflatflyer you sound like me a couple of years ago! Can I suggest you do look at some blogs/Instagram people? I am 61 and was in a massive rut following some dramatic life changes that totally ruined all my confidence. I started to follow this lovely lady and although in no way would I just slavishly copy her, she has great suggestions, doesn't always push expensive stuff and seems very nice. I also look a alifetostyle and beth goodrhamand THATS not my age. I now feel more in control, less grumpy and it's lifted my confidence. EBay is your friend once you know what you want and

Sorry! Once you have an idea what you want eg skinny jeans from jigsaw, buy them second hand or from their ebay store. You said upthread about a decent bra. I would seriously suggest if you can get to a decent bra place to go and invest. Rigby and peller have a good reputation but I have no idea as I'm blessed with boobs that are happy in M&S or triumph etc ( tk maxx again is good). Good luck, you sound lovely. Report back!

I agree with other posters. Follow some blogs that will give you ideas. Only buy clothes that make you feel good - I wouldn't even go into white stuff or M&S (and I know you can get good things there) because they make me feel frumpy even if they aren't. I wouldn't look at fitflops for the same reason - although I sympathise with your predicament.

For me it was weight loss that really helped, but also knowing what to buy for my colouring and shape. I only buy things (and in fact do things) that make me feel good.

I also worked alot on my mental wellbeing - I run, do yoga, make sure I see friends and use methods like gratitudes, meditation and affirmations (I know this stuff isn't for everyone). This is a tricky age (I'm similar) - the key is to focus on stuff that makes you feel happy.

If I were you, I'd look at hair cut, glasses and diet to start with. Start with baby steps improving your mental wellbeing (what ever works for you - my methods mentioned above). Start following bloggers and just buy clothes that you love.

Just popping on to send more love and thanks. Lovely sunny morning here so I went for a brisk 45 min walk this morning. Doesn't seem to ever help me lose weight but if I can do that every day, at least I'm doing something to stay healthy.

It doesn't make me lose weight either - but the sun is lovely and such a mood lifter!

have a good day OP.

That's a very nice mac, quiet heart.

@XXstatic From here www.ewa-michalak.pl/product-eng-1518-Bra-BM-Koronkowy-Tulipan.html
I am around a 28GG in a UK bra. From Ewa that is a special order and not returnable, so I buy a size 30. Their bands are smaller than UK brands so the 30 fits like a 28 anyway. I wear a 30GG in Ewa bras. They grade their wires differently, so that the smaller back sizes have narrower wires, and the wires are close together on the central gore, which also works better for me . The bras are also very forward facing. I tried one on the rec of a mumsnetter and they are all I buy now. I sometimes buy from Comexim, another Polish brand, and I want to try Avocado, who make really beautiful bras.
If nothing in Bravissimo fits you really well, then Polish bras are worth a try, particularly if your breasts are close set.

I am a very different body shape to you but one thing I have found makes a massive difference is having clothes altered so they fit me perfectly. Buy a size larger than you need and then have it adjusted so it just right on shoulders, arm length, waist, hips, thighs etc.

Glasses can be very dowdy looking especially if you need thick lenses. I was very short sighted (prescriptions in the -11 to -14 in both eyes. I was too short sighted for laser surgery so eventually had elective lens replacement surgery (like cataract surgery) in both eyes and had multi focal permanent lenses inserted. It was expensive but I won’t have to buy glasses or contacts ever again so it will pay for itself in about 6 years.

Finally hair, mine is like yours , very thick and it is neither curly or straight being straightish with some frizz and a couple of asymmetrical kinks. It looks awful I leave it to dry naturally but if I blow dry with a rotating round dryer it is shiny and bouncy and makes me happy.

I had a fitting in Rigby and Peller years ago - it was amazing and so worth it. I was several sizes different to what I thought, and the resulting bras made me look and feel very different. I don't think you had to buy bras, but I did!

Thanks @SirVixofVixHall

@XXstatic feel free to pm me if you need any more info, I am a bra nerd !

Chunky boots with a soft sole are 'in' at the moment. Try Clarks, Duo Boots if you have the budget or even M&S. I need comfy shoes too but I try to avoid trainers.

www.marksandspencer.com/flatform-chelsea-ankle-boots/p/p60274820

www.clarks.co.uk/c/Trace-Cora/p/26147075

A roll-top rucksack doesn't look frumpy, especially in a bright colour. Something like this. John Lewis have some too.

www.amazon.co.uk/Johnny-Urban-Backpack-Women-Recycled/dp/B079K45DWS/ref=pd_sbs_198_11?psc=1&pf_rd_p=cc188cba-1892-42b3-956f-6c67d0ab7a00&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=xA1g4&pf_rd_r=B6VM67P2NJ4FXT86HBJF&pd_rd_i=B079K45DWS&pd_rd_w=zmiNN&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=B6VM67P2NJ4FXT86HBJF&pd_rd_r=fd9f3c45-d604-4fa1-ad3d-f6ec7ab8582e

I have these in champagne and silver. They are super comfy and I get lots of comments on them, even from men. Clarks don't do hidi holly in store any more, sadly, so you have to hunt them down on amazon and ebay.

www.amazon.co.uk/Clarks-Womens-Low-Top-Sneakers-Metallic/dp/B01K9JTQA6/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&psc=1&keywords=clarks%2Bhidi%2Bholly%2Bsilver&th=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1572264174&sr=8-1

You've had lots of good advice but I'll add my twopence worth.
Sort your shoes out. Outfits follow from shoes. If your feet are large enough means brogues could give you more insole options.
Second have a look around at style boards or blogs. Find what youd like and what would work on you. It'll also update your styling instincts. I've realised recently that scarves and necklaces are a bit over just now. And that when I wear them I look stuck in a rut.
Also update your make up. Try a consult at somewhere that hits the right kind of look for you. Maybe bobbi brown? I find make up really difficult to update on my own. I always end up doing what I've always done. And can see it doesnt look current but cant piece the individual bits together myself for a new look.

I meant mens brogues

I haven't looked at fashion mags for about 25 years (!) and don't look at stuff online

I’m a little ahead of you in years OP - and I have to say I cannot imagine how I would know where to shop or how to update my wardrobe if I hadn’t spent a lifetime looking at magazines and the past couple of decades with one eye constantly on the Internet!

The varied aesthetic approaches stumbled upon in art galleries are another useful source of inspiration - but I would never rely on the self-presentation of random people passing before my eyes. Most don’t care enough and my personal style is considerably more formal than the currently prevalent ath-leisure look, so it wouldn’t be helpful.

The next hundred posters may disagree - but I’d honestly suggest you take out a subscription to Vogue and resolve to spend an hour a week browsing a large website like Net-a-Porter or Matches (even if you find the prices horrifying) just to accustom your eyes to strongly defined examples of current styles. And maybe take advice on one or two Instagram people to follow. You really could be having a lot more fun getting dressed than you are at present.

Just catching up in my tea-break: soft-soled shoes which are flexible are the absolute worst, unfortunately. The ideal shoe or boot (which sadly doesn't seem to exist) would have a DM/Timberland type sole and a hotter/footglove wide and baby-soft uppers, with no seams. See my difficulty. So, it's usually a compromise (apart from a couple of pairs of walking shoe/trainer things which are just about completely right but unsightly).

Shoes either flex too much in the sole and so I can only wear them for short period and / or not too much walking. Or they are nice and sturdy underneath but thick/tough leather on top, or seams which cut into the bunions. My feet are also quite wide anyway.

I have 4 or 5 different orthotics - some long, some short, including a very expensive custom-made pair. They work differently in different shoes. Very useful if the shoes have insoles which you can take out easily. Ideally I'd go into a shop with all the insoles and try out all combinations but ....it's quite time-consuming and shop assistants are not always very understanding.

I do like those Clarks metallic sneakers. Are they only available online @SuckingDieselFella ?

I've made lots of mistakes with footwear in the past - think they'll be ok in the shop and then it's only when you've walked a few miles in the them you realise they're not ok. I do have some nice Timberlands somewhere but gave up on them because the leather is too hard around the bunion. I wonder if I can stretch them? Trouble is, as well, shoes don't come cheap so I've kind of given up lately and cringe when I think of the money I've wasted.

Needless to say the summer is TERRIBLE - sandals are impossible, but I can ignore that for the next few months and try to enjoy some nice winter looks. Maybe I should just move around the globe, avoiding summer!

You should be able to stretch the Timberlands. You can do it by putting a sealed bag of water in them and freezing them.

Yes, the Clarks ones are only available on amazon and ebay. Clarks seem to have discontinued them. I've had three pairs - they last for ages and are super comfy. Hiking boot styles are in at the moment after Holly Willoughby wore them on I'm a Celebrity. M&S and Clarks have them. I have terrible problems finding shoes but I try to go for super chunky or super colourful. They don't look frumpy - or at least I hope they don't!

Another rucksack. White Stuff bags and jewellery are good but as others have said, the clothes are frumpy.

www.whitestuff.com/accessories-and-shoes/womens-accessories/corn-roka-bantry-c-medium-backpack/

@deepflatflyer I hear you totally. I’m nearing 40 and would like to revamp my frumpiness to be more stylish as well. In terms of glasses, maybe try Zenni Optical online because their glasses are usually in the £25 – £40 range depending on what you’re getting. zennioptical.com

@deepflatflyer I also have feet issues where I need to have shoes with arch support. One pair of Clark’s I bought this summer were great, but the other breezier pair that I planned to wear as summer shoes just don’t have enough support. I’ll have to look for an insole for them too. And I haven’t found good summer sandals yet either!