If you're in your 40s, how do you feel about your appearance and clothes?

[PapaJanePizza]

I'm turning 40, and can now see my looks (which were probably attractive side of average, but no great beauty) definitely fading. I'm oscillating between wanting to make a real effort to learn how to be stylish /attractive into middle age, and wanting to think "right, hurray, f* all this, now I can spend the rest of my life in comfy clothes and not give a monkeys about appearance any more". I feel that continuing to try to look good will (in my case) take more and more effort - and for what? I don't need men to be attracted to me any more (except DH, and he truly doesn't really care what I wear etc), I don't have the kind of job I need to dress up for... Shall I just try to stop thinking about looks at all, or put some effort in to find a new look which suits my age? Just want to discuss really - not expecting actual answers.
Does everyone else have these dilemmas?

Yes me! Average looking but with youth on my side I could scrub up ok. Nowadays it’s a right effort and my double chin and number 11s can’t really be hidden. I used to make an effort whenever I left the house but now it takes so long to look average that I’ve stopped bothering when just popping to the shops. I guess that’s how it starts! Conversely I find more and more less is more so if actually wanting to scrub up I can quickly look dreadful if I put too much make up on. You’ve also got to tread a line between not looking try to hard and just looking a bit rubbish. The only consoling thing is this is still the youngest I’ll ever look again and in the grand scheme of things it’s a small thing to sweat. Ultimately I think making an effort should be for yourself, if it gives you pleasure or confidence to look better, then worth it.

Hello @LagoDiComo. Big yes to quickly looking over made-up/over done-up. My trigger for my current pondering was ordering a load of ditsy dresses and realising I looked a bit like a transvestite in them now (would have worked even a couple of years ago but not now..)...

oh I'm exactly the same

I cba with any of it, but living and working in London means constantly being surrounded by people who are groomed to the hilt.

Yesterday I was in a meeting with someone who had the most amazing hair and I have frizzy hair, and I thought, shit, is that the next expectation for smartness?

also my hair and nails grow really fast and just keeping them under control annoys me. And everyone seems to have no facial hair - I'm dark hair and fair skin. My sister uses a facial shaving thing that's been discussed on here. She's older than me but starting to look a lot younger because she puts in a ton of effort and I don't.

It's all just so much effort. Even drinks with friends, I feel I am the only one not perfectly groomed. I don't want to start spending time and money on all that but equally I feel I look shit compared to others.

if I don't compare, I feel fine.

Also realisation of what a small thing it is to sweat can quickly make me think "OK, great, I can live out my days in my velour tracksuit then...."

I live in t-shirts and jeans and I'm in my 50s and I don't care what others think of me...
There! No stress.

Yes @RosaWaiting! It's about that decision about whether or not to join the game... do I dare to not???

This decision should really based on what you enjoy. I'm late 40s and I still am interested in clothes and make-up, but I enjoy them. I like design, colour and prints, I'm into sewing, I like finding clothes I love etc. But if you don't actively enjoy that, focus on comfort if that's what makes you happy. (I do that too, depends on my mood...)

I don't like the idea of trying to fight ageing with botox and surgery though. Partly because I think it's depressing that people only want to look young, but also because the "done" look looks rally weird and alarming to me. All the most fabulous old ladies I know look their age, but happy and engaged with life - they're my role models.

@Tensixtysix, this is my ideal, I think. But I don't know whether I can genuinely not care...? I want to let go of it all, but another part of me wants to keep looking as "good" as I can - but why???

@QueenKubauOfKish, what you say makes perfect sense

I'm 43 now with a bit more disposable money to spend on clothes and beauty. I am fitter than I've ever been and slim and toned as a result which I'm thankful for. I do enjoy looking nice but this is for myself, as my DH just doesn't notice a lot of the time (which upsets me a little).

But, I don't take it to extremes. I am happy to do the morning school run in my running gear and makeup free with my hair in a bun. If I'm going out I make much more of an effort but would never go as far as getting eyelashes, eyebrows, false nails and I don't generally spend as long as I should on my hair. However, I love makeup!

So I do care still, and think I will the older I get.

We get these messages all the time "make the most of yourself as you age" "haircuts to make you look 10 years younger" "which ant-wrinkle cream should I be using at 40" etc etc.

It's in the beauty industry's interests to make us feel anxious about keeping up our appearance as we get older, and happen to have more disposable income too in many cases.

I think you can do it all and pick and choose. Looking nice doesn't have to be an all-day every-day strict regime. If you see a dress you love or make up you want to try, or you want to use a lumea, or get expensive highlights, go for it. If you want to slob out in jeans and a t-shirt, have hairy legs and no make-up, you can. There's this idea of "letting yourself go" as if once you've gone through some kind of door into disastrous middle-aged frumphood there's no turning back - but that isn't actually true.

Putting aside the idea of "should", what are you drawn to OP?

I'm 42 and I'm aware, lately, that I now look older than I did. I'm starting to second guess myself and wondering if I look silly in fashionable things. I still feel attractive - but it's for my age now - and not just attractive.

Well I think I was just about attractive with youth on my side! These days, mid forties, I dress in my own style, probably like a trendy mum in her thirties. I can afford a good haircut and decent make up, so still look okay. Confidence is meant to increase with age, I'm still as socially awkward and quirky as I always was 😁

I’ve given up completely (42) but I’m now trying to get it back. I have never been that interested in clothes and make up but I seem to be surrounded by people who are and who look really good for their age and dress well whereas I live in jeans and minimal make up. I’m trying to lose weight and tone up as I think that will help but not sure what to do about the rest.

Also I think clothes / hair etc that you like, that make you feel yourself, relaxed and happy, will make you look good, whether that's a primped, dressed-up option or a slobbing out option.

My 80-yo neighbour goes out to do the weeding in her sun visor, jeans, trainers, floaty blouse and gardening gloves and honestly, I'm not saying this to be patronising or trite - she looks fabulous, because she's genuinely happy doing her thing, confident and true to herself. She also looks lovely with a dress and make-up for a special occasion. It's just about realising you can do what you like.

I've never been interested in clothes or make up.

Someone at work commented to me "every time a new woman joins the stuff and does the whole fashionista thing, it affects the image of the rest of us".

Initially I thought that was rubbish but now I see what she means. Over the last couple of years, new female clients and staff are now looking so like something off a TV show, it's having an effect on longer term female staff. Women who didn't wear make up are now wearing it. Almost every woman has nails done. Women who wore flats are now wearing heels.

I appreciate that in my social life, it's my choice. But it does feel less of a choice when the office is changing, and your prospects are partly based on how people see you.

*staff not stuff!

I think you can do it all and pick and choose. Looking nice doesn't have to be an all-day every-day strict regime.

I like this approach. I'll be 45 this year and would also describe myself as the ""attractive side of average" (never been really stunning so not mourning the loss of my looks ). With a bit of effort, I can look good; if I can't be bothered, I look a bit of a mess! I do colour my hair regularly now as I have greying temples and I think that really ages me.

Most days I make some effort and work harder at it for a big meeting or a night out. I was a bit chuffed recently when DD (13) said that her friends were discussing their Mums and they estimated I was in my late 30s!

Oh, I've also signed up for one of those services that delivers clothes to you in a box and you buy what you like. I hate shopping and this has really upgraded my wardrobe.

I do it every two months and don't spend a fortune (they're not designer clothes).

in terms of "making the most of yourself" comments...

when my late father was very ill, I popped in to have a a drink with a friend, who has a super super glamorous friend. Her mother was in hospital with a brain tumour (!) and at some point in the conversation she said something about "there's never a reason not to look your best".

She may have felt that people expected her to look less glam in a stressful situation. I don't know her much and I don't think the comment was directed at me at all. I did find it a really depressing remark though. Surely "looking your best" should be left for special occasions or if you really want to do it?

women at work wearing full face make up, fashionable outfits etc...I just want it to go away. I wonder how many really enjoy it and how many feel they have to do it for work.

I've gone on the opposite direction. Not much interest or money when I was young but in my 40s discovered clothes and everything else but it's like an artistic/organisational hobby. I like finding things I like. I like having a wardrobe that works well - things go together. And I like wearing things that please me. Sure my 20 year old body would have provided less of a challenge with fit than I have now. And I don't think supergroomed is ever going to be me. It's not a look I like on myself in any case. But I found in my mid 30s seeing my reflection and thinking gosh that's a bit depressing made me sad, so I did something about it. More care more thought. In my 20s youth compensated for all that and I looked a way I liked without thought.
I also spend my clothing budget very differently. I used to splash out on an occasion outfit. Now I spend more on day to day items I get more wear from. Means I get to enjoy my lovely coat or great shoes most days so I think it's a win.

Amazon wardrobe is amazing!

I suit myself. I enjoy clothes and wear what I like, buying into the odd trend that takes my fancy. Wear makeup if I feel inclined. Don't try to look younger. Why would I want to?

I'm 20 years older, but in my 40s was a new mum, so clothes slipped down the priority list, though I have always loved them. At the same time, my career slipped out of my control (and status has never recovered). But deciding to bother, or not, is completely your choice. I see women of all ages for whom it's obviously important, and many more who don't bother. It makes me happy to wear a little slap (never wore much), have nice toes, and clothes that fit, flatter and are comfortable. If it's tedious to you, then let go!

Xing "But deciding to bother, or not, is completely your choice."

am I the only one on the thread worrying about workplace image?

Maybe I'm worrying too much.