If you're in your 40s, how do you feel about your appearance and clothes?

[PapaJanePizza]

I'm turning 40, and can now see my looks (which were probably attractive side of average, but no great beauty) definitely fading. I'm oscillating between wanting to make a real effort to learn how to be stylish /attractive into middle age, and wanting to think "right, hurray, f* all this, now I can spend the rest of my life in comfy clothes and not give a monkeys about appearance any more". I feel that continuing to try to look good will (in my case) take more and more effort - and for what? I don't need men to be attracted to me any more (except DH, and he truly doesn't really care what I wear etc), I don't have the kind of job I need to dress up for... Shall I just try to stop thinking about looks at all, or put some effort in to find a new look which suits my age? Just want to discuss really - not expecting actual answers.
Does everyone else have these dilemmas?

Sorry that was a reply to Fluffy. Mind you, what 1morelglass said struck a chord too!

Interesting thread. I'm (just) 40 and on mat leave, and have noticed a little bit of neck sagging unimpressed with that!
My sister (ever subtle) once said that I ranged from 2/10 to an 8-9 (that day I was a 2 apparently) so I scrub up well, but trying to find my style now that I'm out of maternity clothes (two babies in under two years). Also I'm losing weight quite quickly from EBF so I've had to go and buy new jeggings, not sorted anything smart for when I return to work though, as last time I was this slim I was 30

My hair is coloured and past my shoulders, I've fancied a change for a while but don't want to do the turn-40-and-lop-it-off thing.

Oh and one major thing for me is that my husband is ten years younger than me and a bit dreamy so I put a bit of extra pressure on myself there I think to not be frumpy.

Well, this thread is really helping me to see it as less all-or-none.

I particularly like the posts with people saying they don't miss the male attention. I think there can be a kind of fear of what the world will be like socially as that all fades away. Like - will I suddenly discover that even platonic male - and female - friends will be less bothered as I get frumpier? I don't mean close friends, of course - but more casual ones/acquaintances/colleagues? None of it is very important, of course, but it's a bit of an unknown.

LaPufalina, I think I'm like you in that I can vary a LOT. Without make-up I'm

posted too soon. @LaPufalina, I meant to say that I also think I vary a lot (does everyone think this about themselves?) and have had it confirmed by siblings/friends - plain without make-up, but can (or could) look striking/attractive with.

Honestly? Who cares what people think? I have embraced the next size up clothes and probably look better for it. I am happy with the way I look and dress. I wish I had more money to buy clothes, but other than that

I spend lots of my time doing sport so don’t worry too much about the rest of it but sometimes I look at the groomed young women on the train and wonder how they have the time ... I’m happiest in pricy sportswear but do make a reasonable effort for work

I'm 48 and don't really know in what camp I fall, if any. I grew up in a Mediterranean country where looks were just about everything for a girl/woman. I naturally didn't fit the norms of what was considered pretty, attractive and most of the time I didn't want to conform. I found a style, but was always a bit uneasy with spending too much time, attention or money on how I looked. And now, I still feel like that. I want to look okay, but comfortable too. I easily feel overdressed, or underdressed. I spend quite a lot of time on this board, having a look. But you couldn't guess by looking at me. Most of the time, I'm okay with that. Other times I look in the mirror and dispair!

I'm soon to be 59 never been a beauty, always been slim size 8 to ten up to my 50s, now 10 to 12 , try to look stylish and in fashion, I had my daughter at sixteen, and was always told you don't look old enough to have a daughter that age as she was growing up, it happen recently at her 40th party, people saying we look like sisters, which I did get a lot more of that in my thirties and fortys, I do feel my age now and hate the wrinkles, I loved my fortys, enjoy them, you are still young.

This thread is such an interesting one. I’m 42, and over the winter began to feel like I was going into a physical decline - dodgy knees, dodgy hips. I’d also recently stopped working, so wasn’t wearing my proper clothes or makeup anymore, spent all my days in tracksuit bottoms and loose jumpers. One day I suddenly realised that the physical decline was because I was just too heavy, and I had gone far enough with the tracksuit bottoms! So for the last 2 months i’ve been exercising and dieting, have lost a load of weight and can now wear my proper clothes again! I feel like I experimented with “letting myself go” and pulled myself back from the brink in the nick of time! I’m much happier now. I still hardly ever wear makeup (having worn a lot when working) but I am much prouder of what I see in the mirror. I’m also slimmer than i’ve been for 10 years, which gives me hope for the future.

Well done for losing the weight it makes such a difference doesn't it, since losing 2 stone my knees don't hurt any more - unfortunately my back still does but I do work in healthcare.

Thanks for this interesting thread, OP.

I'm 48 and mostly housebound due to disability. I don't bother around the house, living in my PJs, but one thing I do is take good care of my skin. I think that helps me to look & feel a bit younger. I wear a little make up on the odd occasion I'm out of the house and more for weddings etc, even if I'm in my wheelchair. I look after my wardrobe and it's nice to have a choice of outfits when I need them. My husband has to help me dress, though!

I'm making an effort to be a bit more stylish and put together, and I've signed up to the Lookiero style box to help me consider things I might not have before. I think I have had s bit of a 'uniform' in the past, if that makes sense, and I felt thrown together rather than put together.

I think we can be a mix of both, making an effort and slobbing out. I don't want to give up completely, though.

I find this thread so interesting. I wasn’t very good looking at all when I was younger, not compared to my peers. I had bad skin, glasses, was overweight and zero style or ability to make the best of what I had. But at risk of sounding vain at the age I am now (early 40s) after spending my late 30s working really hard to improve my looks I think I’m comparatively much better looking than I’ve ever been.

It’s odd. People do treat you differently- it’s as if I occupy a different space in the world and especially notice it while out shopping. I’m more visible than I used to be. I find it both uncomfortable yet fabulous to be that person and it makes me feel grumpy on behalf of my old self that looks make that much of a difference.

I'm 44, working in HE and I've recently moved from mixed sex team with an average age of 45 to an all female team with an average age of 28. I'm really short and an hourglass shape so don't suit very casual clothes and the women in the new team all dress very casually which makes the age gap more apparent.

If you stick to your own more formal hour glass-y wardrobe your new colleagues will probably all envy your unattainable stylishness.

I had DS at 37 and was always concerned that people didn't take me for his grandmother rather than his mother so in my late 30's / early 40's I always took care of myself in terms of diet, exercise and what I wore. I can recall the big dilemma of whether clothing was too old / too young for me , and still do to a certain extent. I was also in a newly supervisory role at work and was very concerned to look smart and professional at work as at that point I was expecting/ planning to study and progress.

I'm now 55 and the last 10 years or so have had a big impact on my health, looks and other areas of my life with the impact of the menopause and having to care for my parents who both developed various age related health problems including dementia.

I have become an expert in doing just enough as is necessary e.g. Nom-iron jersey dresses for work, hair kept tidy and coloured by a mobile hairdresser, ensuring we all get fed but relying a lot on ready meals, very basic housework. Exercise and anything beyond the most basic self care went out of the window.

I'm now in the position of having a lot more time to myself but I have no energy and no motivation. I still enjoy spending time looking at various on line clothing stores and planning, and sometimes buying outfits but this doesn't translate well into reality as I look and feel a bit uncared for e.g. Can't be bothered to condition and style my hair, shave legs, pluck eyebrows. I've not exercised in years and it shows.

I could do with a kick up the arse but can't be motivated to start.

My advice to anyone in their early 40's would be to make sure you don't let the basics fall away - so prioritise yourself in terms of healthy diet and exercise. If you are fit and healthy it matters less whether you are in jeans and T shirt or the latest designer wear; and whether you have got your nails done or not.

@Apples, I've just read your post and I'm sympathising very hard. I could have written that same message a few years ago. Between 50 and 55, my DH nearly died and his parents' health failed while we had a child in primary and I did a PGCE (naively thinking that would be a sensible family-friendly option).

Well, I never got a teaching job (too old) but we always had a dog, and a big one that needed a lot of exercise, and the dog made all the difference. You can't say to a dog, it's pouring outside and I don't want to go out because it's cold and wet. So you go anyway (good foul weather gear helps a LOT) and very quickly found people in the same situation. My fitness improved again, and so did my attitude.

It's not necessarily a game changer though and I recognise it may not be an option for you. But think around it, and there might be an idea for you to tease out.

I'm 45 and I honestly feel ace. I feel amazing. I think I've got better with age. I am utterly lovely.

I am menopausal though.

Probably the happiest and most confident I've ever been. I've hit my stride with finding a style that suits me and in a financial position to be able to enjoy and indulge this to a degree. I really enjoy clothes and make up. Radically changed a fair few lifestyle choices in no small part due to above and physically feel pretty good despite some health/medical issues beyond my control. The confidence I feel now is the biggest factor. I feel like I really know who I am, love who I am, love my life and it feels like this shines through so many of my choices including style and beauty. I'm as happy schlepping about in my Lucy & Yak dungarees as getting dressed up to the nines for a great night out. I wish I'd felt this more in my 20s but for me, it's been the life experiences (really bloody tough ones regarding grief and financial worries) that I've been through, that have led to this balance. Without sounding too corny, I feel pretty lucky. If I could tell my teenage into twenties self anything it would be how bloody gorgeous and fabulous I was - glowing skin and hair with no effort, no responsibilities - and that everything will work out fine. I love being in my forties and genuinely looking forward to the next decade.

I think whatever/however you look, if you are happy with it (for yourself) then that's what counts. If you wear a load of makeup and keep your weight down and it makes you happy then great. If you do this but feel duty bound to it and dropping some of the effort would make you happier then great.

If you feel frumpy and invisible and are unhappy about it then make some changes until you find a level you are happy with. It doesn't have to be "done up to the nines vs not made any effort at all". It's just a case of finding a look you are happy with (and are happy with the amount of time and effort it takes) be it at either end of the scale or somewhere in the middle.

Also, nothing is static. You can make changes at any stage. If you've never coloured your hair, you could do it tomorrow. If you've always coloured your hair, you could stop tomorrow. Same with makeup. We don't have to pick a lane to stay in for a long time.

I like to have the basics covered because I like it (nice hair, good makeup, keeping trim) and it's handy for times when you want to do these things (events maybe or special occasions) because you aren't then starting from a standing point as in "I have literally no idea about clothes outside of jeans and jumper and I only have trainers and I haven't had my hair cut for years, where do I start". but on the other hand, spending hours on appearance if you feel it's a huge effort and time commitment (like being "event ready" every week even if you have nothing to go to) seems like a waste of time then you can dial it down.

OP thanks so much for starting this thread.

a few things were bugging me and I didn't know which way I was going to go with it. I'm stuck having to make an effort at work, but now in the rest of my life I'm just going to say screw it - the time, money and effort that people are putting in to looking better and younger etc isn't for me. Great if you enjoy it, but it's really not for me, and if my older sister looks younger than me - well, I'd rather have that time in my day and money in the bank.

I went to see my sister yesterday, I mentioned upthread she is older than me, looks fab etc. Paying attention for the first time, there's so many products in her bathroom and her wardrobe is literally twice mine.

I like having a wardrobe that's jeans and T shirts and the one formal outfit I have....fingers crossed I might get through a whole year without having to wear it!

That makes sense to me Rosa.
If I try and separate this stuff out I end up with a list like this:
Clothes and shopping - I enjoy the whole process and find it satisfying. I’ve always wished I had more artistic talent and clothes give me an outlet.
Hair - I don’t particularly enjoy it but the effort is minimal and I do like it when it looks good. So that stays.
Make up - really questioning this at the moment. I don’t enjoy it and, now I’m no longer interested in looking conventionally pretty, I’m not even sure I like the results. I’ve already cut it down so I may stick with that or I may give it up entirely (except for lipstick which I’ve never worn before but now quite like - as Moon says, there’s no need to stick in your lane).
Grooming - Nails, eyebrows, fake tan etc. I don’t enjoy it and don’t like the results so that’s not even on my radar.

Oh and exercise and eating healthily - I’ve gone the other way here as I don’t particularly enjoy it but I’ve ramped it up as I’d like a long and healthy old age.

Agree with just about all of that Flo
The makeup thing is interesting... I've always enjoyed it but now in mid 40s and only really like very little or loud lipstick