If you're in your 40s, how do you feel about your appearance and clothes?

[PapaJanePizza]

I'm turning 40, and can now see my looks (which were probably attractive side of average, but no great beauty) definitely fading. I'm oscillating between wanting to make a real effort to learn how to be stylish /attractive into middle age, and wanting to think "right, hurray, f* all this, now I can spend the rest of my life in comfy clothes and not give a monkeys about appearance any more". I feel that continuing to try to look good will (in my case) take more and more effort - and for what? I don't need men to be attracted to me any more (except DH, and he truly doesn't really care what I wear etc), I don't have the kind of job I need to dress up for... Shall I just try to stop thinking about looks at all, or put some effort in to find a new look which suits my age? Just want to discuss really - not expecting actual answers.
Does everyone else have these dilemmas?

so in that sense have nothing to lose @NowIKnowHowJoanFelt reminds me of something my mother said the other week. "You're lucky in a way, because you haven't got the sort of looks that fade. Your sister and I know what it is like to have faces people admire whereas you're more....classic.....so your looks don't alter so much". Ouch!!

I guess this is the age where you can go either way. Start wearing flowery housecoats from Bon Marche and get a tight perm or wear clothes from your daughter's wardrobe and claim everywhere that people think you're sisters.

I assume this was some sort of rhetorical flourish?

DeadCertain my father once told me that I would never be beautiful but was "very handsome" (not a compliment).. for that reason I would never have said something like that to you (I know how much it hurts). I'm sorry that someone else did.

NowIKnowHowJoanFelt she's a "complex" character.... !!

@DeadCertain - yes, I'm definitely getting more 'stout'. I just accept it as part of aging rather than trying to stay the shape I was, but I go to the gym twice a week mainly for my health, but also to avoid putting on too much weight (I have a hip defect, so it's in my interest to remain a healthy weight and not put strain on it). I've put on about half a stone from my usual weight when younger and gone from an 8-10 to a 10-12, but still fine BMI-wise.

My mum, bless her, still thinks I look about 21 (I am her baby) but while I look younger than 41 I don't think anyone would take me for being younger than 30. I think it's partly just because I'm short, but also I have fairly good relatively unlined skin that I inherited from my mum and I've never sunbathed and use a lot of SPF in summer so no, or little, sun damage

I agree that if you have spent your youth being valued, or valuing yourself, for a very "pretty" or sexually attractive appearance, then it might be harder to make the change into that less "visible" middle-aged stage, in some ways.

But, that doesn't mean it's pleasant to be told you're not pretty. I don't feel ugly, but I've always been what was once called a tomboy, short hair, never went out of my way to look feminine, not a frequenter of beauty salons, though I have my own style and like clothes. Things my parents, and others, said to me about not being pretty / feminine enough still hurt. I don't even know why really, as on the face of it that's not my priority.

Along the same lines as PPs, I remember one friend saying my sister was pretty but I had an "interesting face". Not great when you're 16!

But along this journey, by whatever routes, I hope we do all get to a place where we can be happier in ourselves and less reliant on looking "right" whatever that may be.

I think it’s funny some of you feel they have become invisible. I’m 48 this year and still turn heads. I don’t mean that in a braggy sense at all. I’m sure you all still look lovely.
Yes, there are differences/ but 40’s /even 50’s these days is not old :)

thefirstmrswinyer

Yes actually, I do have some of the symptoms of an under active thyroid. My periods have been murder lately, just all over the place and I just feel so bloody sluggish. Maybe I should get tested.

I'm early 40s and have definitely grown into my looks. I was quite plain when younger but am being described (by ds' friends ) as pretty these days. I think looking younger than I am helps this. It didn't when I was 18.

I dress in a hush / white company kind of way. Contemporary, not trendy. I have to eat a lot less to maintain my weight and am noticing my hands have really aged.

I don't feel invisible. I have never been so beautiful that heads turned, and at 62, I'm not even that. I get a kick when my DS20's friends say to him, and he tells me, my friend X said you looked good. As they like it when I say, I saw Y looking really sharp a few days ago. It's not about attraction; it's a compliment about sense of style and dress and personal presentation. Is it necessary to make it so final? I say to people I see and chat to in the queue at the supermarket things like, lovely colour, great coat, perfectly chosen item, and say nothing to others. As I said, I'm not invisible, I'm a bit louder than that, but it's not because I'm Helen of Troy.

Reading these posts there seems to be a difference once we are over 40 in that many people are making an effort for their own satisfaction rather than to impress others.
Like some of the others I made a concerted effort to get really fit again once I hit 45 and it’s been fantastic and really boosted my enjoyment of life now I am coming up to 50. Feeling fit and strong - for my age(!) - is priceless for me and makes the grey hairs and wrinkles much less of a concern!

@inteligentputty

I use a service called "Stitchfix" which is currently only in the US - but their website says that they're starting up in the UK this year! See stitchfix.com for more info.

They send you a box of five items as frequently as you wish (I chose every other month). You give them a price range, of course, and just buy what you like and return the rest in a prepaid bag.

You can let them know if you've got special event coming up (e.g. I needed a couple of spring dresses) or if your wardrobe lacks certain items like smart trousers for work.

I've had to return a few things since I signed up last year, but I've also received some really nice clothes that I'd probably never find myself as I only shop reluctantly!

I’m 43 this year and have found a new style I like.
I now avoid small prints and anything “hippy” as I just look like a bag lady now in stuff that looked surfy when I was 20.
I like flat but trendy shoes (schuh is my shoe shop of choice).
I now avoid showing cleavage.
I’ve never worn much makeup anyway and always had messy naturally curly hair. I’m very careful about cuts not being dowdy.

Beerincome yes, do, and keep a record of your results. My GP all but rolled her eyes when I asked for a blood test but my tsh was through the roof. I feel much better now I'm on the right dose of the right meds. (And I forgot about what it can do to periods ) Good luck! :)

I'm 48. I had my kids in my late 30s/early 40s and coming out of the baby zone I think there's an element of 'I'm sure I looked 10 years younger last time I looked in a mirror'. But after DC3 I have got fit and 2 years ago I lost a couple of stone so I look and feel a lot better. Now we're not paying through the nose for childcare (and my body isn't changing all the time like it did while going through pregnancies) I can afford to buy myself lovely clothes and feel OK about myself and my appearance. I see my Mum in the mirror but she's still looking good in her 70s so not too worried about what will happen to my face.

Work is a funny one, in the rest of your life everyone ages with you but at work I'm now aware of being one of the 'old' ones. The generation on the old final salary pensions all retired 55-60 but my pension is worth much less despite paying the maximum into it. So I'm here for another 20 years at least (which is good, I do love my job and have no desire to retire). I don't work in a glamorous industry, I'll be wearing jeans and trainers to work today and never wear makeup. But I'm glad I'm fit, a healthy weight and not greying yet to at least give an impression of youthfulness.

I’m 48 and definitely starting to look older. Perimenopause is starting, my body shape is changing and my skin is starting to show some lines. Hair is very grey but I’ve been colouring it for years and have a good hairdresser. I’m doing my best to eat well and exercise to fight weight gain, in fact I really do need to lose quite a bit. My work wardrobe is very simple and classic, with simple makeup and bright lipstick, at home I’m in dresses and boots or skinny jeans, T shirts and jumpers. I have neither the time nor money for beauty salons, nail parlours, eyebrow threading etc - any maintenance is done at home. Thank goodness for facial bleach for my increasing lady-tash.

I'm invisible to young people sometimes. Not to the young people I know but to random strangers in the street, in the coffee shop, on the train - they look straight through me and talk and behave as if I'm not there. It's not about male attention - young women do it just as much as men - nor is about about turning heads or 'letting yourself go' (I haven't). It's something altogether more subtle than that; it's about not being on their radar at all.

I know you've expressed that view before Floisme, but it's not happened to me, and we are similar in age/mindset. Do you think location could have a bearing? Rural SW is different demographically to a university city. Our population is generally older and the pace of life accordingly more sedate.

I'm accepting and embracing how I look at 51 and the freedom not to have to conform to any stereotypes. I'm an artist and I look like one!

I have a fab haircut but cannot be bothered with make up and I don't dye my hair or get my nails done apart from my toes in summer. I'm a naturally warm person and most strangers are lovely to me. I'm not invisible at all but to be fair neither do I command the attention of a young Brigitte BArdot.

That's a good point Xing I've noticed it mostly with young people - and by young, I mean under 40 - and I'm often in the city centre so maybe it's partly demographics. I must take notes next time I'm away!

It's not entirely unpleasant either and it's great for people watching but it's a very strange feeling when it first happens.

I have begun to count it a triumph if two or three people don't jump to offer me a seat on the tube. (Although this never happens on trains or anywhere in the U.K. outside London. Guess I just look more exhausted in London. Or perhaps am more smartly dressed - so more distinctively un-youthful.)

I started a new career in extreme middle age, and in order to progress I find myself inevitably in the company of much younger people. Who are delightfully complimentary and rarely make me feel like some expiring creature. I considered taking to skinny jeans and t shirts (bleurgh!) to disguise myself as one of them. But I really couldn't. So now I rejoice in dressing as me and love the fact that though I look very different to them I'm not dismissed as professionally extinct.

Floisme - when I said about being invisible up thread, what you say puts it across much better. I wasn't on about male attention necessarily but a general being off the radar type of thing.
I make more effort now than I did say 20 years ago. I'm generally very comfortable with my appearance and fashion sense. The invisibility thing can be a huge advantage on the days I'm feeling not so glowey and wonderful. It's not all negative.

Work is a funny one, in the rest of your life everyone ages with you but at work I'm now aware of being one of the 'old' ones.

Count - this is true for me as well. I work in a corporate office and some of the younger women are hyper-groomed. Even at their age I would have found the amount of time and effort necessary to maintain this look a complete ball ache! Funnily enough though I don't envy them this at all and look on it with a sort of wry dispassion. I do wonder how they will cope with the ageing process though as some of them are already talking about botox/fillers.

I don't feel invisible and can still turn the odd head, but walking up Bond Street with one of these young women was a surreal experience and I saw how men were eyeing her up so blatantly on the street.

I really don't miss that kind of unwanted attention from men and feel happier if a women tells me I look nice or admires something I'm wearing. I'm a firm believer in doing the same to them too.

Agreed 1moreglass it's not really about missing male attention - in fact I quite like being able to chat to the young man who serves me in the coffee shop without worrying about signals getting crossed. It's more a feeling that I'm already being painted out of the picture that's disconcerting.