If you're in your 40s, how do you feel about your appearance and clothes?

[PapaJanePizza]

I'm turning 40, and can now see my looks (which were probably attractive side of average, but no great beauty) definitely fading. I'm oscillating between wanting to make a real effort to learn how to be stylish /attractive into middle age, and wanting to think "right, hurray, f* all this, now I can spend the rest of my life in comfy clothes and not give a monkeys about appearance any more". I feel that continuing to try to look good will (in my case) take more and more effort - and for what? I don't need men to be attracted to me any more (except DH, and he truly doesn't really care what I wear etc), I don't have the kind of job I need to dress up for... Shall I just try to stop thinking about looks at all, or put some effort in to find a new look which suits my age? Just want to discuss really - not expecting actual answers.
Does everyone else have these dilemmas?

Depends on your workplace I suppose but as long as you meet basic hygiene and smartness standards and you don't work in fashion/PR/similar what should it matter?

Devil it shouldn't, but the reality is that women are being judged on their appearance at work.

it's not just about the company but also about the industry - dressed up to the nines at networking events too. Well, okay, maybe my definition is different than others

I'm a suit and flat shoes woman. I genuinely have issues taming crazy frizzy hair. When you are the only woman in the room who isn't massively slick, right to fingernails, it's a thing. I can put make up on.

I've just got to decide whether I'm okay to buck the trend. Often getting on at work is only about 50% linked to your actual work - if that!

I work in a casual office but the more women were added in the staff, the more it went to smart casual, cause always there are going to be some who make an effort. In the beginning I didn't care and was on the casual end, now I try to be as smart as I can, skirts, heels, blazers. Some days I will also be in ripped jeans and a shirt or a top, but always nicely styled and good quality brands mostly. Makeup I always used to put on, but now I also do eye liner everyday.

I'm late 30s. I enjoy taking care of myself and look nice. I am attractive and look younger, but need to loose a few pounds and tone up. I don't look too made up ever, as I prefer natural makeup plus botox. I do it for myself first and foremost. It would depress me to look in the mirror and not see anything I liked. But i understand I also do it for others, as I do compare myself subconsciously and I'd hate to not be a good version of myself in a room full of people, no matter how everyone looks. Of course the more glamorous every One else is, the more I would feel inclined to do the same. I expect I will let go eventually, but this may be in my 70s, if I am lucky enough to reach that age.

I just turned 40. I'm on maternity leave at the moment so living in jeans and sweatshirt. Or jumper.
Makeup every day and currently trying to find the balance between looking normal (not haggard) and not like I've tried too hard!!! And over made up. Made some mistakes with concealer under eyes creasing so definitely on the less is more side now.
However am now also working on the basis that I want to look well groomed. Nails polished. Eyebrows threaded. And hair dyed to always cover the grey.
Makes me feel human and I think I will of course continue when back at work in office. When it'll be back to heels and dresses according to the business of the day.
I think if you are happy then that is the best version of you.
The key is that you feel happy and confident.

I'm in my 60s so I realise I'm not the target here. I love clothes and fashion as much as I ever did. I quite enjoy the challenge of dressing an ageing body so I can't see myself letting up any time soon.

I work in a very casual environment and, if anything, being interested in clothes has gone against me as I think I've been viewed as flighty. I've had more than my fair share of 'Another new outfit Flo?' comments over the years.

However I've never been as interested in make up and I'm wearing less and less. Ditto nails, brows and all the grooming business - I could not care less. Hair is a compromise - I pay for a good cut that suits my hair so I don't need to do much to it in between.

I'm reasonably happy with how I look.

@AmICrazyorWhat2
What's the clothes delivery service you use?

This is a very interesting read dressaday.com/2006/10/20/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty/

I’m turning 40 this year and was once very pretty, now I am decidedly less so. I still enjoy hair, make up and fashion so will continue invest time and money in that direction, however I will also re-read the above regularly whilst I come to terms with the change in my looks.

Reading all these posts with keen interest.
Floisme, even more interested in perspectives beyond 40s tbh (wished I'd put that in title afterwards).

I do like the idea of living clothes for them , rather than as tools to look attractive in. Definitely coming round to that perspective.

The women I tend to really admire/envy are, I suppose, older women who just seem to inhabit their skin happily. That's often women who don't seem to bother too much with appearance, but also women who really enjoy their appearance/clothes, too. So maybe it's about finding out what makes you most content.
I have a lot of "f* the patriarchy/capitalist looks industry" type thoughts, but then find myself drawn back in very easily and salivating over dresses in Oasis.

Banging on, interesting blog - thanks.
I often wonder whether this is harder for people who have been very pretty. As someone who's always had to try quite hard to be pretty (fairly attractive and good at make-up), I've never been able to take it for granted like really beautiful people have. Perhaps this makes it slightly easier (or perhaps not)?

As you get older I think you need makeup more - not to look 'made up' but to even out skin tone, define eyebrows and lips etc. I work from home and even if I'm not going to see anyone (except DH!) I put on a little concealer, groom my brows, and a little eyeshadow. If I go out then will add mascara and a bit of blush etc. It makes me feel better and more groomed. I always keep my nails nice, can't grow them long, but keep clean with a whitening pencil, and pale pink or clear varnish.

Work is an interesting issue, for sure.
I can wear what I like (academia), but I can't help think that making myself look nice has eased my way in various capacities over the years. And I can't help but worry that life will be a little harder without that particular tool in my armoury.

I’m in my 40’s and feel much more confident in my clothes and makeup in what suits and what doesn’t.

I’m still interested in my appearance plus I’m the fittest and most toned than I have been in years.

I guess it’s what works for you, I’m still interested in clothes and makeup and others aren’t and that’s fine.

Mid-40s here, and love clothes and makeup. I have quite a strong sense of my own style, and am happy to spend money on good haircuts, skincare, nice clothes etc. Also work in education, on the creative/media side, so don’t have to worry about formality work clothes. I don’t have or want Botox or similar. As a teenager my mum once said to me that I would never be described as “pretty”, but that I was “very striking”. I was so, so upset, but now I think it’s probably about right. (My mum is quite horrible, so maybe I am deluding myself and she meant “very strikingly hideous”.)

One of my friends at work is late 20s, and was gobsmacked when I told her how old I am - she’d assumed I was just a bit older than her. I wonder if we would have become such good friends if she had known?

That said, I currently have a stinking cold and look like death. Sometimes I click myself when I am just out of bed and staggering to the shower and think “we can rebuild her”.

@Judystilldreamsofhorses, isn't it interesting (and mortifying) that being told one isn't "pretty" is so awful for girls. My now DH has always said he doesn't think I'm pretty, and then qualifies it with "but I don't really like pretty" or "you're much more important things than pretty", which has readjusted my relationship with the word somewhat. I'd still probably be prettier if given a choice though

In the world I used to work in, deciding against image maintenance would have been professional suicide. But combined with a major tech shift, plus family health issues, the client base getting much younger, and my professional representative/agent retiring, I knew the freelance work was always going to dry up sometime between 45 and 50. Which it did. It was extremely limited, totally based on contacts, reputation and word of mouth, and very family unfriendly self employed stuff. I was good, but hit sell-by. There's no call for what I used to do outside a niche, and certainly not in the rural SW of the UK. So now, I choose very chic casual clothes suited to a lady over 60 and get on with living my life. I think I look presentable, and I'm not bothered if anyone disagrees. But it doesn't centre on beige or elastic waistbands.

I think you can let things slide/be more comfy/try less if it makes you happy but you do need to keep checking in that it’s not having an incremental negative effect on your self esteem. I stopped trying for comfort for a couple of years but ended up feeling worse not better. Now I’ve figured out the minimum to do to get the balance right between feeling good and not being a slave to the beauty industry

I’m 41 this year. I’m still very slim and toned but hate clothes shopping in real life shops whilst loving clothes! I definitely buy less clothes than I used to as now I get annoyed by “fashion”, last year stars/this year pineapples type thing. It’s just capitalism and environmentally wasteful. I still buy stuff though I tend to spend a long time browsing online before buying.
In terms of grooming I’ve always worn make up at work and still do, less so at the weekend. I spend more money on my hair, though still not much, but I’ve just had a new cut and colour which I love and has definitely made me look fresher if not younger so I’m very pleased with that.
Nails and accessories aren’t my thing, get nails done once/year for special occasions only.
So, I still like looking good. It’s definitely still important to me and always will be but it doesn’t define me. I’ve got a friend who is recovering from cancer who “doesn’t want to see anyone looking like this” and I hope that I never value my appearance over friendship and support.

I don't mind my face, but I loathe LOATHE my body and rarely have an occasion to ever put much effort in.

My work is such that I either wfh or in an environment where smart office clothes would be ruined (and pointless), so it's the same casual jeans and top there too.

When I am not in that or sports wear, I am in trackies/leggings and a t shirt at home.

Last time I dressed a bit smartly was at Christmas and that was just a pretty blouse over jeans for one day.

Last time I proper glammed up in a floor length gown etc was Christmas 2017 for one evening do. But single now, so chance of that recurring (it was his works do).

And I also HATE shopping with a passion, so my wardrobe mainly comes from Sainsburys or ebay. I just cannot justify expensive everyday clothes for all the reasons above.

JImJam is right in mentioning self esteem. I knew that the professional road would run out one day, but maintaining self esteem wasn't something I'd realised I'd need to face. When it crashed, it was a cold shower. I'm still spiky about the fall out, which is daft considering it was a while back. Not every day, but sometimes, I wonder what I should have done differently. The right answer is, you shouldn't have moved to Cornwall when you did because then the only work was picking daffs at agricultural wages. I think my self-employed status would have continued with a wider range of work closer to a big city. But DH, whose business we got off the ground jointly, is still going gangbusters and is geographically fixed.

I get a haircut maybe 3 times a year tops, when I get fed up of being ratty ended. I don't have a hairdo do as such, I tend to tie it up most days.

I do wear makeup to work - eyeliner and mascara. But have given up bothering if I am popping to town and of course not if just at home. i am scrupulous about removing it every day.

I keep my nails short and rarely wear fingernail polish and can't stand those false gel things and the like. But i do my toenails fairly often, even though its only ever me that sees them!

I'm the wrong side of 45 and yep 40s have been a bit of a learning curve and few adjustments needed.

I care how I look.for me but on the days I look in the mirror and realise that.middle aged woman looking back is me I console myself with the fact I've now entered the invisible phase of life. Noone looks wice at a woman nearing 50. Its a sad fact but with it comes a certain freedom to just not stress or give a shit about fading jaw line, crows feet etc.

I'm 41, I've always been pretty happy with my looks and my body, though I've never been conventionally attractive or had a perfectly proportioned bod (though basically slim). I've always dressed in an fairly unconventional way, with a lot of colour and patterns and am too lazy to be 'chic'. I admire the look on other people, but IMO unless you are very 'polished' with simple, classic clothes, it you just look a bit anonymous and dull rather than sophisticated.

I was always makeup free except for going out (and then it was usually weird clubby/gothy makeup), but started wearing normal makeup to work when I was about 38 because I'm in a smart-dress office and I just decided that I'd got to an age where smart clothes and no makeup just made me look a bit severe and like I didn't care about myself enough to make an effort. I mean, I still only take about 2 minutes to put a face on, never been able to do eyeliner, and fuck contouring or anything like that.

In my late 30s I started looking at certain things (like that trend for leggings and super short denim shorts a few years back) and thinking it was cute but it's really a look for The Kids. I don't subscribe too much to any 'dressing your age' shit though, I still have short dresses and wear big boots and stuff.

My overall look has been toned down by 6 years of working in a smart office rather than ageing because I have to own stuff I can wear to work, and also I don't go out partying as much so there's no need for wackier stuff that I would previously have mixed into my casual wardrobe.

I do feel a bit sad that, now and then, I dress in more my 'old' punkier way at the weekend and I feel I look a bit like I'm dressing up! But overall I'm cool with ageing - I have my husband, I have my kids, I genuinely feel no need for other people to find me attractive, and I'm finding getting a bit older interesting and quite exciting. Aside from the chin hairs!!!

Actually people do look several times at older ladies but they are usually also older ladies who want to ask about your specs or men who are much older than you... and I always suspect that they're sizing you up for nursing and housekeeping duty!

My now DH has always said he doesn't think I'm pretty, and then qualifies it with "but I don't really like pretty" or "you're much more important things than pretty",

I have to say I find that a bit strange. Even if someone's not conventionally attractive you assume their partner thinks they're physically attractive. I've never been attracted to pretty boys but any man I've been with has been irresistible to me. I'd never qualify it by saying 'you're not good looking, but that's okay'.

Or is he just someone who truly doesn't care about such things and evaluates looks, even his romantic partner's looks, in a totally dispassionate way?

Failing eyesight is the bizniz. Who cares when it all looks great as soon as you take off your specs? I still look 38, and then I need to see clearly, and err, no!

But I don't care too much. Enough to still be here in S&B!