Anal bleaching

[poobag]

Right, I'm looking for a product to lighten up the skin around my anus and vulva. Approaching 40 and had 3 kids - I couldn't look less like a porn star down there if I tried. But try I will.
Any recommendations?

Now you found the secret bleach I use,
To whiten up my anal blues,
So I can’t deny or lie,

Sex bum, white bum,
You’re my white bum,
I like to wear my cardi, when we get it on,
Sex bum, white bum,
You’re my white bum,
Oh polo mints they turn me on...

With apologies to Tom Jones...

Didn't they all go together to get this done on Geordie Shore or something? Honestly, if DP finds himself in a position to be staring at my areshole, because for eg we're doing it doggy style, he'd better keep any thoughts on its colour to himself if he ever wants to shag me again!

On a side note: Like trying to bring on labour by pineappling your nips. I ate the pineapple when I was trying to bring labour on. Was I doing it wrong?

I can understand why some would want this as some anuses are really dark and IMO don’t look as nice

I’ve never seen anyone’s anus. I have no idea how to rank them in levels of nice looking ness

I’ve got a list stored in my phone.

Fraid so, groovy lass. Eat it and rub your nips with it. Some hormone or other. Still at least you didn't try and insert a pineapple where it shouldn't go, in the interests of a little lightening,

This is the most entertaining thread weve had in ages. My laughter is interupting Dh and an otherwise boring evening watching tv...
Didnt know it was a thing but am grateful for the education !
And would be interested to hear if the solution was a success?

For some reason when i read the word pinker-upper i heard it to the tune of "hes a bit of a fixer-upper" from Frozen. Which is now going round my head as i try to stifle giggles because youre all truly bloody hilarious . Thank you for a fab evening !

They make these for cats.... I
There must be something like this for humans... might be more suitable??

Remember the craze for sticking diamonte in your nethers?

Sticking some up your back passage would certainly add some, er, sparkle to your derrière. Add a torch for a disco ball effect.

Fekko.... that is hilarious

Bring me bum shine when you smile
Bring me bum shine all the while

If only it was Christmastime...

'I'm dreaming of a white anus.
Just like a porn star on the 'net.
I want to go on the razzle
With arsehole dazzle,
And flash a ring they won't forget...'

This is the funniest thread I have read Ever!!! I am stood in my kitchen crying with laughter and desperately trying not to wake the household up

Please put this in the classics!

Why is it called 'anal bleaching' and not 'changing your ringtone'?

(Stolen from Reddit!)

Wonder if OP will return....

Shame we can’t creare polls on here,
I’d take a sex cardie over a bleacher ringpiece anyday!

As this is style and beauty, I'll just let you know I got my sex cardie from Boden, but Toast do some nice ones too.

“We skipped the lightened fanjo
Bleached anus scrubbed clean the floor”

Apologies to PP nicked first line

I'd take a sex housecoat over a bleached shit valve, everyday single day of the year.

What did I miss?!

What's a sex cardie?

Each to their own and all but in the heat of the moment weather your getting pounded in the ass or vagina it never occured to me what my colour was 🤔 and never have I heard any man say omg in had the best sex of my life last night cause her ass and pussy was white! 😥

Niki it's a standoff between what is sexier and more satisfying: the humble cardigan or a bleached anus.

Yes, not a run of the mill S&B dilemma