Crepey coalition of chaos

[herbaceous]

Roll up hags, for all things Hotter.

Oh Lordy! That is long... sorry to give you all eye strain. 👀

Crem, yet another vote for the GP - you don't need to think of other options now, that is the first port of call I think and perhaps ask for medication review (if you have that)?. Could someone (helpful, who gets it) go with you? Your life is being affected in so many ways.

Airborne, what a difficult situation. I quite see you cannot take on looking after LEL. Would meeting SIL face to face help do you think, and do her sons know the situation, unlikely though it seems they will step up to the plate?

Airborne, I agree with MsM that I think you have to go & see SIL in person, express your concern, tell SIL that there is not much you can do as you have your own mother to care for & ask SIL what plans she has for help for LEL. Obviously not as bluntly as I've put it but I think face to face may well work much better than the phone.

Actually i think you need to be blunt. It might feel heartless but unless you are prepared to take on responsibility for LEL - and given everything else you're dealing with I can't see how you can - you need to step away so that her family have to step up. Whilst they have any reason to believe that things aren't that bad really, they will - it's human nature.

So, I think you need to write a letter to LEL terminating your commercial arrangements - with a 'redundancy' cheque if that helps your conscience and then also write to SIL telling her you've done this because she is unable to do the job any longer and suggesting that LEL might need some practical help and support. Do not, whatever you do, make any offers for any continuing relationship of any sort. This sounds and feels mean, but it's the only way to affect change.

We had a similar situation in reverse - MIL became so dependent on her cleaner and it was only when the cleaner resigned that we all became aware of the extent of her dementia and were forced to get proper help. Up to that point we'd all relaxed knowing that the cleaner would 'sort it out' - whatever 'it' was. With hindsight I can see that this was a very unfair burden to place on someone who had only signed up for a cleaning job and we were fortunate she took as much care of MIL as she did for as long as she did.

A long response, sorry, but you need to prepare to be cruel to be kind I think.

I agree that talking to the SIL (and the two sons as well, as SIL is probably less emotionally involved) should be the answer. However, if she doesn't step up, I hope the GP will have noticed and be talking about some assistance or care package? Is LEL able to get anywhere without her car? Is she rural, as that could be a major problem going forward I guess.

If the GP hasn't noticed, could you outline your concerns in a letter to be given to the GP? Just to push the process forward a little?

Re clothing on the course, are there any pictures of students on the website? What are they wearing - just wear that!

Mrs S, when does the student transition take place?

Agree with all of the above and especially MrsW about the more blunt approach and taking the emotion out of the situation. A word to the GP might not be a bad thing but if the SIL or sons aren't involved enough, the 'services' (GP, or SS which she probably does need) will assume that you are the point of call. Fluffy you have such a lot to deal with at the moment and your DM to look out for. You can't spread yourself too thinly. Perhaps be the occasional companion after suitable care is sorted out for LEL. My cleaner is more like one of the family. I have had her for a very long time but certain health problems have been creeping up. We help by not docking pay when she's ill (to an agreed limit) but if I started taking her to her appointments and visiting her at home that's crossing the line for me. We chat lots but whilst she's on the job iyswim. She has a nogood son and DIL who would only be too happy for us to carry the can. It's hard. Boundaries are hard.

Crem have you made that appointment? I am wondering if you need to see a consultant actually? Would that be possible. 💐💐💐💐

DH went home yesterday and today's forecast isn't good. Have our wet weather plans in place. I'm not complaining ...we have a good weather and wonderful walks in the sun since Sunday.

Airborne, lots of good advice above. I think you do need to extricate yourself and I think you need to be blunt - MrsWs suggestions are good.

I am not surprised that the family are being flaky - sounds like they are not close and havent been for years. Plus they are miles away and I know how difficult that makes it. The GP needs to step up and get SS involved - if that doesnt happen, could you contact the GP to alert them to how worried you are?
Very tricky situation

Thanks, Crepeys for your advice and kind words

I did have a fairly frank convo with SIL before we went away. and she thanked me for all my help and involvement, and agreed (so I thought) to take the baton of responsibility.

I'm going to pop into LEL this afternoon and make an assessment as to where we go from here. Have yet to go down the GP route, but have had success with regard to moving things along with DM in the past, so maybe thats another plan of attack.

We are very rural and her not being able to drive will completely disable her in more ways than one.

I'm just not going to have the time to cope with her after I start college.

No - No pictures of happy students to work from in brochures - only those running their vair vair successful practices post college.

Airborne, what is it you are going to study at college? I seem to have missed out on that.

Utterly boring but DH has just received delivery of THIS torch.

I am so pleased that you can recharge your phone from it if there is a power cut. Never realised such a thing was possible!

(Years ago we lived in deepest Wiltshire & were always getting power cuts so am obsessive about having decent torches).

Airbourne, fwiw, I do think it's time for ss by way of gp. I can't imagine the current behaviour patterns of her own family will alter much in the future. You have been amazing in your support of LEL so far, but you have your own family and new ventures, so it is time for a line in the sand. As others have said , there is no reason you can't take her to a cafe or or to lunch later on , as a friend.

Have had troublesome tooth number 2 out after many years of Dental surgeon trying to save it. It was v straightforward in the end. No tears.
Next Up: GP appt on Friday.

Ok one for the style gurus. I am not particularly Barbour and Wellies, or Smart Set in The Country, so do not socialise with them or understand how they dress.
Wtaf does one sport to a "Fork Supper" with a bunch of old school chums ( horror) in a country pile?
I used to be posh,but gave it up for a more arty existence and so do not see these girls very often.
I'm not that worried about how they dress btw, just no idea what to wear. Because of my head being a bit mashed I feel clueless. Help! I do want to go as a few of them are very nice and would like to see them again. Also it will do me good to get out of the house. Btw it's like late Autumn brr, here so summer dress out.

Magi, that is a wonderful thing! I love stuff like that.

Crem, not sure what a fork supper is......I loved the dress you wore to your birthday do....

Is 'fork supper' a posh name for a buffet?

I'd probably wear smart trousers + top - but that's often my default.

Smart but stretchy trousers if forking is involved.

Airborne, can you have a sort of sartorial baseline - say dark jeans and sweater - which you then adapt as appropriate? I do feel your pain. I have some in-house work starting next week and was v grateful when the lovely commissioning editor immediately gave helpful advice when I asked what I should wear (probably jeans and a white linen top, my default...)

Crem - if the weathers anything like here, I'd be starting my evening outfit with a thermal vest especially if its in a country pile.

I'm guessing its a stand up supper, so wear anything you can spill stuff on without it showing too much

Personally, I'd turn up in your 'Creatif' attire, as you'll look so exotic to the twinset wearing, pearl twiddling, alice band sporting Country Set!

We'll need pics on WA...

MI - Yes, I think dark, dark classic jeans a good start.

Popped into see LEL this afternoon. She's still in her dressing gown, and has been for 3 days. Her dog is climbing the walls with under stimulation and exercise. However, not in such a bad way as I had envisaged.

Airborne, a while back (probably about two years now) I started a thread about our elderly neighbour. You might want to have a look at that - you can probably find it if you advance search.

this thread

Airborne, that does sound fairly bad. Has she seen the GP yet?

Fork supper sounds wonderfully archaic and countrified. I think you should wear your lovely birthday frock and look fabulous

Crem, I vote for your lovely birthday frock too - and it's not over formal

Airborne, I'm sorry - tricky sitn but given your update def agree with Mrs W and others about clarity

Thanks for advice Crepeys, you are always so helpful. Archaic it is, but quite a common thing here. It means standing up, or perching with a plate of more substantial food , say a selection of salads, rice and a choice of quiches, veg chilli, chicken in a sauce, breads and then 3 or 4 different puds. Not a seated meal. I get the impression it's more casual than silk dress appropriate. Struggling with clothes that are too small. Confidence at a low ebb. I suspect there will be a lot of Sarf of France tans and yachty types. Oh Gawd.🏌🏻‍♀️🏇🏻⛷🚣🏻⛵️

Apparently where we are staying is very popular with Irish holidayers due to Ryanair! We have a lovely Irish family staying nect door - very friendly

Crem, they are the lucky ones to have you attending. You will knock 'em for 6 - whatever you wear.

Go!

Enjoy!

I would be over the moon to meet you.

Buffets were known as "walking dinners" in Belgium, which always made me laugh.