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Original poster

Maybe Yes, Maybe No, May Be Crepey

999 replies

QueenQueenie · 09/05/2015 18:03

Unilateral decision... No space for consultation. Call me Dave...

OP posts:
herbaceous · 22/05/2015 12:40

I'm getting all my info re MiL rather third hand, but I imagine (from googling) that it is stage 4, as it has spread to other areas - i.e. the spine. Me and DP have rather different reactions to all this - I want to know EVERYTHING, exactly what's going on, what the treatment is, etc, whereas he is just reeling at the fact that his mum is going to die. So I don't like to ask too many questions!

Sometimes I wonder if I have a problem with empathy. Unless I have been through something, I find it hard to imagine how anyone else feels. Is that normal, or am I a robot?

Rosebag · 22/05/2015 13:14

Not at all, Herbs People who think they know how someone else feels get it wrong sometimes too. It's a bit of an imprecise science, this empathy game. It's no one's fault…just they way it is. A lot of people thought I needed help Being Positive. Actually I just wanted someone to hold my hand. They thought they were. In reality they were doing my head in.

Loads of other people wanted to take the children off my hands and come and do the cooking. They were being massively kind. But having my everyday tasks taken away just made me feel worse…dead already. DH thought it was just what I needed and wanted to arrange rotas of helpers. DM wanted me to have More Help, and kept calling up carer agencies. Everyone had a different take on it. Don't beat yourself up. Wait to hear how DMIL is going to be managed, maybe? Flowers

bigTillyMint · 22/05/2015 13:20

Herbs, sorry to hear that news. I think everyone reacts in different ways and it is all normal. Plus it is his DM, which is very different to it being your MIL.

Rose, good advice.
And heavy birthday period!

I am rejoicing that DD has got half-way through her exams with no major traumas (other than physics, which she hasn't spoken about) and only 2 hours till home-timeSmile

motherinferior · 22/05/2015 13:50

Herbs, that is also what people like you and I are trained to do. Get information, sort it, research the bits we don't know.

And fwiw I think people who pride themselves on being Good With People are often the worst at it. (Molly may be amused to know that the Worst Colleague In the World once informed me quite seriously she thought this was a particular area of her skills Shock).

MollyAir · 22/05/2015 14:00

Grin MI. Perhaps she has now re-trained as a social worker. Grin

Herbs, sorry about your poor dp and the effect on you. Think you just have to ride it out as best you can; but having your academic pressures is an added thing - don't de-prioritise that.

I'm available for drinks on Tuesday - BD do you come in to Paddington? Would that area be best?

herbaceous · 22/05/2015 14:01

I am also totally like my mum in this regard. When there was a crisis, rather than holding hands and making tea, she'd be on the phone, Sorting It Out, (whether or not anyone wanted her to!)

herbaceous · 22/05/2015 14:04

I have asked for a two-week extension to my final assignment, but won't know whether it's been approved until after half term! FGS.

So, I have one 5000-worder to get in on 8 June, and another by 25 June, unless I get the extension. Between 8 and 25 June I have a formative teaching assessment, a summative teaching assessment (including 500-word theoretical rationale), and a load of reflective bollocks to finish. I also have some family stuff I can't get out of. If I don't get an extension, I have FOUR DAYS to research and write a 5000-word masters assignment. No pressure.

CointreauVersial · 22/05/2015 14:24

Herbs, so sorry about MIL. I hear what you are saying about empathy - I often feel a bit disconnected at times like that (and envious of those who just "sense" what needs to be done and said).

Incidentally, Rose, you always strike me as someone with bagfuls of empathy.

Meanwhile, I'm relaxing in a comfy chair with a skinny capu, while the DDs and mates fling themselves around in a warehouse full of trampolines.

Earlier on, I dropped DS outside school for his DofE expedition. You may recall the battles we've had recently, as I tried to get him organised in time? And how I put DH "in charge" as I have ample other organisational responsibilities on my plate? Well, I was biting back the words "I told you so" when, five minutes before departure, DS realised his walking boots were still in the back of DH's car, 20 miles away in DH's office car park. Shock Angry Six months ago he could have borrowed my boots, but his feet are too big now. So he is hiking in an old pair of DH's work boots we found in the back of a cupboard. I predict a foul temper and blisters. Grin

motherinferior · 22/05/2015 14:40

S&B question:

are these boots - in khaki - worth getting if there's a 20 per cent discount? Am thinking of my tendency to wear leggings and dresses Grin

herbaceous · 22/05/2015 14:52

I think they'd be rather natty in white - summery, yet not cold!

hattymattie · 22/05/2015 14:58

MI - good news about your DM - it always means a lot to have a bit of pride restored. Also she can wander in the garden now weather permitting.

Herbs - awful news about your MiL. I am another who can never find the right thing to say. I do admire people who are good at that. I will always try and help in anyway I can though.

CointreauVersial · 22/05/2015 16:37

YY to the khaki boots, MI. Quite tempted meself!

CointreauVersial · 22/05/2015 16:41

Not fond of the white, though.

bigTillyMint · 22/05/2015 16:42

Finished for a weekSmile

Am just relaxing with a much needed coffee before heading back into the house which is likely to look like a bombsite as DD text that she and her mates made mac cheese for lunch.

Blackduck · 22/05/2015 17:11

I think I lack the empathy gene as I go very numb in these situations. I am better at the practical stuff.

Re Tuesday I am coming down Monday night so could meet wherever suited people. Would be nice as I missed the last couple of MUs and am feeling the need for some solace!

Here I seem to have found myself on the union task force.... all getting very serious round here...

motherinferior · 22/05/2015 17:15

DD1 says "everyone" has boots like that. Hmm.

Friend has just sent me another pic from university days. Fortunately in black and white.

Maybe Yes, Maybe No, May Be Crepey
herbaceous · 22/05/2015 17:18

Can't do any meeting up as I shall be in Paris. Yes, Paris. In an apartment with some American pals, overlooking the Eiffel Tower. They have booked a babysitter. For two nights. Steak frites et vin rouge, j'arrive!

hattymattie · 22/05/2015 17:31

Well contrary to the weather forecast it has been absolutely gorgeous. Hope it stays nice for you Herbs and my DB who is also here. I am just waiting for DH to get back so I can have wine but I may crack.

herbaceous · 22/05/2015 17:32

BTW, you look very 'relaxed' in that photo, MI.

lalsy · 22/05/2015 17:33

Have a brilliant time Herbs. I agree with others about there being no right thing to say.

I can't make Tuesday but BD, I hope you can relax a bit over the weekend. It sounds very stressful.

Stropperella · 22/05/2015 17:38

Ahhh, Herbs, hope you manage to enjoy it despite the horrible news you've had. So sorry to hear about your MiL - your poor dp. And poor you, having so much on your plate. Fingers crossed for that extension being granted for the assignment.

Lovely pic, MI. Very moody. In a good way.

BD, hope you manage to have a few days of break from all the work stress. It sounds really appalling.

Happy half-term to those who have it this coming week. Dd had 5 exams this week and the gloom has been minimal until today, when apparently she might as well 'not have gone' to chemistry as it was such a disaster. Hmm

I invigilated today but my back wishes I hadn't. Luckily, I am only doing 3 more Fridays.

Today we got the sad news that our boiler is probably on the way out. Bum.

Hatty, well done on the job, by the way!

motherinferior · 22/05/2015 17:42

I believe relaxants may have been taken on that occasion you should see the rest of the pics

bigTillyMint · 22/05/2015 17:49

Relaxants?Grin

Herbs sounds like just what i you need. Hope you get your extension too.

BD here's hoping out train travel goes to plan - I'm not getting into Euston till 9ish on Tues I think so I bet you will all have gone home to bed by then!

Stropps, sorry to hear your boiler is dying and DD had a bad chemistry experience. Hopefully she can move on over half term without stressing the whole family out.

MollyAir · 22/05/2015 18:02

Oh no, so BTM is not available for mini MU on Monday. Sad

I am though. Grin At least for evening drinks. It is a Bank Holiday... - can you make Monday evening, MrsS? Who else? And where?

Rosebag · 22/05/2015 18:06

Excellent photo MI… And liking the boots but not in the white...

I hope Paris takes your mind off all this Herbs albeit temporarily.

Thanks CV Smile When I was in the NHS I was always trying to get staff to understand that it's not about what we want to get across to the patients…it's about the impact of what we say and the ground upon which it falls. I do have a fight with myself about talking too darn much, though (QED) …I am realising that at times, there's nothing to be done and nothing to say either. And that's ok. Learning to be in silence with someone is a bloody difficult skill.

Sorry not to be around to see BD and others on Tuesday. Hope things improve for you BD or at least that you have a rest this weekend.

Tilly I'd be inclined to sip your coffee very slowly…maybe make it last til wine o'clock and then transfer to a bar Grin Hope DD's weathering exam hell as well as can be expected. Similar wishes to to Stropps and DD.

DH is home and Being Nice. He's also plodding and plonking around the house suggesting that it's a huge effort. Hmm And ConS, having sent me his essay on Being Ignored, and us having exchanged some mails about it…has not responded to mine. Worried.