DSD affectionate with DP

OP, the problem is your DP, not your DSD.

She's a child, she's insecure, she's loving her dad the way he says is "right".

He is the problem.

I don't think there is any reason to jump to sexualised concerns but I think she's insecure about your relationship with him, and wants to be more special/more loved than you are.

You should feel sorry for this child, and not jealous of her!

But if your DP won't course-correct how he treats her then in your shoes I'd walk away.

Have you had a previous thread? This is ringing horror bells.

If so, the advice was run, run, run, then…

Your DP sounds inappropriate, he is actually fostering this behaviour, the poor girl is acting like this because he approves of it.
I couldn't be with a man this disturbed tbh, I would leave and tell him why.

They're weirdly enmeshed. I couldn't be doing with that.

The dynamics won't change unless he moves to do so, and he appears to be doing the opposite. I'd honestly cut my losses here and walk away from the relationship.

Either there’s nothing sexual here and you’re mistaken or I’d be worried about abuse from him. Things like this are never instigated by the child op.

Honestly OP, there are so many men in the world, get rid of this odd-bod duo and pick one without a child or one who isn’t a weirdo.

Please tell me you realise it's your partner that in the wrong here, his daughter is just learning her responded from him.

Some of these replies are utterly bonkers and not addressing the real issue here - OP of course your DH will love your daughter more than you - as he should !

And it’s perfectly normal for his DD to be affectionate and loving with him, the reason it is ramped up is because she is obviously feeling insecure.

If you don’t like sharing your DH with his DD then you need to rethink the relationship to be honest.

And I know I sound like I am being harsh, but it’s the truth. FWIW I would never have married a man with children who weren’t mine - i don’t think you are in the wrong for wanting to be your DH’s priority, but I think it’s incredibly difficult to ask that when he already has a priority.

Your update makes this all stranger op tbh.

This isn't normal. This sounds really unhealthy fucking run

Run. This weird enmeshed relationship is not something you can fix and sounds as if the root is his unresolved anger towards his ex (all that stuff about her hurting him by putting dd to bed late- wtf?)

OP of course your DH will love his daughter more than you - as he should !

Yes he should but that shouldn’t translate into eg making OP sit in the back of the car while the daughter sits in the front. It’s a really unhealthy dynamic which is ultimately harmful to the daughter and, as I suggest, probably due to him using his relationship with her to get at his ex. Kids shouldn’t be pawns in adult games.

It's simply not true that you should come second.
In healthy families the partnership between the spouses must come first. It's important for the children to see a functional relationship, one that can work.
This relationship is not functional.
Child centric rearing especially in remarriages with children set a dangerous example of the child's own importance, this will effect them negatively in their own relationships.
If I were you I would get your man to read 'step monster' and seek some counselling.
If he isn't putting you at the centre of his life then there is a problem

I feel the same. This is ridiculous. That girl is going to get a big fright when she grows up and realises the entire world doesn't revolve around her. I don't even think relationship counseling would help this situation. Your DP is treating you like a second class citizen.

Run for the hills and leave them to it. The child is going to have massive problems with relationships in life if she thinks this is how she has to be treated, and her DF indulges it.

Agree you are being treated like a second-class citizen.

This.
Kindly, suggesting a sexual element makes it seem like you are as jealous of their relationship as she is of yours. I don't think anything you mentioned is remotely sexual, it's a 10 year old child who is desperate to maintain that she is still as important as she always was.

Definitely end the relationship.

Then, report your concerns to dsd's school safeguarding lead and to social services.

Does the mother have a boyfriend who might have access to dsd? Is she watching porn? Is her dad trustworthy?

I'm seeing a field of red flags and don't know why some other posters are trying to play this down.

Weird I blame him more than the child

This. When I read OP I felt very uncomfortable, why to blame the child? Is the dad who is sleeping with an 11 year old daughter.

What utter nonsense. I've never felt like my DH loves his kids more than me and his kids are his world. It's not even something you can compare because it's a different kind of love. There's no reason why a man with kids can't also prioritise his partner. If he can't, then he shouldn't have gotten into a relationship.

I think it's extremely unhealthy for kids to always come first. I think it sets them up for disappointment when the reality of adult life kicks in. The marriage/partnership should come first as that is the foundation of a stable life for the children. If there's cracks in that then it will filter down to the kids, they'll pick up on tension etc. Prioritising the marriage also demonstrates to kids what a healthy relationship looks like, particularly important if they've previously witnessed an unhealthy one when their parents were together.

Jumping on top of him in bed and licking his face is kinda weird.

Are you desperate? Why the fuck are you still there watching all of this unfold? The child behaves like she does because of her batshit father and believe me, this ain't going to get better the older she gets, it's going to get weirder. Gather some self respect and get out. What does it say about you that you are still there?

The posters that are so keen to tell a step mother how low down the list of his priorities she should be, need to have a word with themselves too. Ew.

How long have you been together OP?

And is there any obvious reason why it’s suddenly ramped up? Has anything changed over the last year or so?

You say he’s your DP (not your husband) and I couldn’t see anything that implied you have a shared child, so in your case I would be off!

TW

I was at her age when my dad started abusing me and the behaviour from both sides is very similar here. By making her feel "his special girl" and not providing boundaries he is actually grooming her.

If you are on good terms with mum I'd have a word but already with a plan to get out of this situation because he's going to turn on you.

My concern is for the child who is actually being groomed and not able to see what he's doing to her. It's an impossible position because even you may want to report, at what point would you do it? Would you wait for something to actually happen?

You may want to get advice from a charity that specialises in abuse like NSPCC, NAPAC or this one here: www.lucyfaithfull.org.uk/

What an impossible situation to be. Please let us know how you get on, OP.

I wouldn't like it if my own kid licked my face !
I understand why you find it uncomfortable op. I have a dsd, she is older now but she very much tried to assert her authority over me when she was about 7-10, I think it's an age thing aswell as Insecurity.

I do agree though that your dp is encouraging this behaviour, she is only a child

Honestly? I’d remove myself from this situation. It isn’t normal behaviour from either your DP or your DSD.