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Original poster

DSD affectionate with DP

137 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 05:53

Posting here for advice after a sleepless night.
Usual poster but NC for this one.

Over the last few months DSDs behaviour has changed towards DP and I can't help it but I see elements of sexual attraction there. Apologies if it's triggering for anyone but I really need some advice on how to deal with it.

It used to be normal up to when she turned 10. Normal affection like you would get between father and daughter, cuddles, kisses and I love you, no concerns there. But now...

She demands DP sleeps with her, when he lays in bed she would jump on him and then bend over and kiss his face and lips and behaves in a way I would say is sexual. It's more like she licks his face and this again happened yesterday just before a bed time when we all were laying in the bed. I've asked her surprised why are you licking your dad's face DSD to which she replied she is only kissing him because she loves him so so much. DP echoed what she said and added than she can always kiss him how she likes and she isn't doing anything wrong. Maybe I'm losing my mind over nothing but every time she does it in this way I cringe.
She tells him she loves him million times a day, he can't even go to a different room without her running behind him saying how much she loves him and that she is missing him so much. I mean, this also heppens when he goes toilet she stands by the door questioning him why it took him so long and what has he been doing there. Again, DP doesn't see anything wrong with it and says he is happy because she clearly loves him so much.

On top of that she became extremely jealous, storming in between DP and I when we sit together or when we walk together and bursting in teras when she doesn't get her own way. DP doesn't see anything wrong with it either and would tell me to stop arguing with DSD when I politely say to her it's not a nice thing to do.

To all this mix comes the way DP has been over the years when we have been together. No holidays without DSD because not taking her would make him feel bad, she thinks life stops here when she is at her mums. I'm not allowed to tell her we have done anything nice or have been anywhere when she was away in case she gets upset.
I sometimes feel like the other woman, like I have to hide our relationship when she is here so she doesn't get upset.

Don't know, is it normal?
Thank you for reading 💐

OP posts:
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Nepmarthiturn · 02/07/2023 03:43

It's simply not true that you should come second.
In healthy families the partnership between the spouses must come first

Oh dear.

No. It should not. Ever.

Children have no choices, unlike adults. Children should always come first.

If you're not happy with that then don't have children or have a relationship with anybody with children.

Nepmarthiturn · 02/07/2023 03:47

If he isn't putting you at the centre of his life then there is a problem

If a parent with a child is putting their (latest) spouse before their child then there is a massive problem: a very shitty parent. And a very shitty partner who is prepared to have a relationship with a very shitty parent and enable (or - even worse in some cases, based on your post - demand) them being that shitty.

Nepmarthiturn · 02/07/2023 03:49

That girl is going to get a big fright when she grows up and realises the entire world doesn't revolve around her.

And in the post above another one was saying:

If he isn't putting you at the centre of his life then there is a problem

Hmmmm.

Seems some people might be projecting some things onto this insecure little girl and may need to look a little closer to home regarding who believes they should be the centre of the universe.

Thepossibility · 02/07/2023 04:59

I have an 11 yo DD and if she was on top of my husband essentially tongue kissing his face in bed you better believe I would be stopping that. Also my DH would stop her immediately and my DD would rather eat poo than do that. NOT normal.

billy1966 · 02/07/2023 09:16

Definitely not normal.

But your tolerance for being around this isn't normal either.

The whole set up is deeply unhealthy for this little girl and her father is shit for not caring enough to help her.

It sounds like a deeply unhealthy creepy dynamic with you sat in the middle of it.

Why?

Focus on why you are so desperate to be in the middle of this creepy unhealthy set up.

Most women would have run years ago.

CBAanymoreTBH · 02/07/2023 10:59

He's using his daughter as an extension of himself to play mind games with you. She should definitely be sitting in the back seat if you're there. That's just how it is and when she's an adult she gets to tell children to stay in the back. He's getting off on this popularity contest at the expense of you & his daughter. He is the problem, especially with those convoluted mind gymnastics about him & his daughter as one...that's just a pathetic attempt to undermine the idea that she's a kid who should sit in the back...he knows this and that's why he's inventing this spurious & manipulative reasoning.

Clytemnestra21 · 02/07/2023 11:19

ridingsolo · 01/07/2023 12:37

It's simply not true that you should come second.
In healthy families the partnership between the spouses must come first. It's important for the children to see a functional relationship, one that can work.
This relationship is not functional.
Child centric rearing especially in remarriages with children set a dangerous example of the child's own importance, this will effect them negatively in their own relationships.
If I were you I would get your man to read 'step monster' and seek some counselling.
If he isn't putting you at the centre of his life then there is a problem

This is interesting and I'd like to understand what you mean. Surely in healthy families, the relationships between parents should come first, only if the parents prioritise their parenting?

And to suggest a relationship between a parent and their new partner should be more important than the relationship between parent and child also seems really off. Adults choose their relationships. Children cannot choose their parents and are dependent on their parents.

OP knew when she got together with her partner that he has children. I think she needs to be more supportive of her DSD. That doesn't mean just accepting behaviour she finds weird but definitely she needs to view it through the lens of a child who has already been let down by family, as her parents weren't able to prioritise their relationship and parenting enough to find a way to stay together. That's the dysfunction here and the child has suffered a loss. If OP wants to support her partner and accepts the man she has chosen was already a dad, she needs to lean into this situation with patience and compassion for this child.

adviceneeded1990 · 02/07/2023 11:32

sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 10:20

What I also find weird is DP treating DSD like his extension if it makes sense?
He says his feelings are the same as DSD's. If her mum for example feeds her crap and puts her to bed late, he says she is hurting DSD and him equally and he is directly affected because he feels impacted to the same extend as DSD.

It's almost as if they two were one in his eyes.
I can't get it. I understand you have a child and you love them dearly but never in my life came across something similar.

It was also apparent when there was a problem with DSD insisting she sits in the front seat every time when I'm in the car or I sit with her in the back when she tells me to do so.
I said no. Big argument with DP afterwards. It was a while ago and to this day DP is resentful saying I broke his heart when I refused let DSD in front when she wanted it and I have hurt him equally as bad as I hurt his DD.

Wtf? I’m a SM and if my DSD tried this her Dad would swiftly tell her to get in the back and behave! Is her Mum aware of this behaviour? Saying to her Dad she loves him and kissing and cuddling is fine - but to this extent is a bit off. Face licking is always weird IMO! I’d second the posters recommending counselling. If he refuses I’d leave - ultimately, he is hurting her by allowing her to believe this is ok.

sodthesodoff · 02/07/2023 11:33

Urgh side stepping the age old debate about priorities in a blended family

That's not the issue here. The girl (I don't blame her. She's a child) is demonstrating unhealthy attitudes towards her dad and family life in general.

The problem is her dad isn't helping her. Isn't supporting her with a healthier view and is in fact exacerbating her behaviour.

He is essentially fucking up his daughter.

So your problem isn't her. It rarely is. It's him. And I don't see that changing

Didn't see a reply to pp but I'm sure I've read this before too. The not sitting in the front seat. Have you posted before? If so I remember that thread. And everyone said run.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 02/07/2023 11:37

The dc in the front would have had me gone....

Prelapsarianhag · 02/07/2023 13:35

Read up on spousification, mini wife and covert incest. The man has no boundaries and that poor child is going to be totally fucked up by him. You are going to be made to feel second rate, left out and unimortant because that is the dynamic he is creating - there will be no room for you and unless he recognises and addresses his role in this situation there will be no change but things will get worse. Sorry OP, you have done nothing to deserve this treatment.

PrueRamsay · 02/07/2023 14:58

Prelapsarianhag · 02/07/2023 13:35

Read up on spousification, mini wife and covert incest. The man has no boundaries and that poor child is going to be totally fucked up by him. You are going to be made to feel second rate, left out and unimortant because that is the dynamic he is creating - there will be no room for you and unless he recognises and addresses his role in this situation there will be no change but things will get worse. Sorry OP, you have done nothing to deserve this treatment.

I agree with all of this.

Honestly OP, stop doubting yourself. You know it’s weird.

Extricate yourself as soon as you can.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/07/2023 15:19

A healthy and emotionally mature father would find face licking and the like uncomfortable at her age, he clearly relishes in it, he is being and allowing inappropriate behaviour.
None of this is right op.

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 15:24

You need to leave this fucking weirdo @sundaymorningbliss, but I suspect you won’t.

Notmygreen · 02/07/2023 15:25

Hibiscrubbed · 02/07/2023 15:24

You need to leave this fucking weirdo @sundaymorningbliss, but I suspect you won’t.

Leave him and report him to social services. He might be abusing his child and she needs protection.

ZebraDilemma · 02/07/2023 15:30

Hibiscrubbed · 01/07/2023 07:10

This sounds like a total minefield. I agree it sounds inappropriate. I felt very uncomfortable reading your post.

Me too.

converseandjeans · 02/07/2023 16:31

Does DSD ever get time alone with her Dad or are you always around? I don't think it sounds inappropriate, more that she is desperate for attention.

Do you have any children? Might she be jealous that her Dad spends time with other children & so she is trying to get his attention?

SplendidUtterly · 02/07/2023 16:43

ZebraDilemma · 02/07/2023 15:30

Me too.

Show quote history

Same.

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 02/07/2023 18:02

I'm not sure mum is aware of her behaviour but I know she used to swap front seats with DSD and that's why it was also expected of me.
I'm feeling sick all day today but my feelings at validated thanks to you all.
I don't why I stayed so long and what's worse, I don't know why I tolerate stuff that most of the people wouldn't.
Nearly 4 years we ha e been together. There is more I see as wrong but I'm always told I've to appreciate what I have and I've to stop creating problems out of nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 02/07/2023 18:06

Prelapsarianhag · 02/07/2023 13:35

Read up on spousification, mini wife and covert incest. The man has no boundaries and that poor child is going to be totally fucked up by him. You are going to be made to feel second rate, left out and unimortant because that is the dynamic he is creating - there will be no room for you and unless he recognises and addresses his role in this situation there will be no change but things will get worse. Sorry OP, you have done nothing to deserve this treatment.

Thank you 💐

OP posts:
Yahyahs22 · 02/07/2023 18:50

sundaymorningbliss · 02/07/2023 18:02

I'm not sure mum is aware of her behaviour but I know she used to swap front seats with DSD and that's why it was also expected of me.
I'm feeling sick all day today but my feelings at validated thanks to you all.
I don't why I stayed so long and what's worse, I don't know why I tolerate stuff that most of the people wouldn't.
Nearly 4 years we ha e been together. There is more I see as wrong but I'm always told I've to appreciate what I have and I've to stop creating problems out of nothing.

Why wasn't she in a car seat at the back when she was that small? Seems strange she's been sitting in the front for over 4 years..

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 02/07/2023 19:39

@Yahyahs22
Never asked that. She is tall, taller than I and since I've known her she was on a booster seat

OP posts:
truthhurts23 · 02/07/2023 19:57

you are projecting your own adult ideas about ‘touch’ on to this child ,
none of what you described sounds sexual

it sounds like she is insecure and she hasn’t been taught healthy boundaries, only her dad can teach her those boundaries
for example, he is the one who needs to tell his daughter not to follow him to the toilet and explain why( tell her that going to the toilet is private time and must be done alone)

and tell her not to kiss on the mouth,

some parents and cultures do kiss family on the mouth , however it is usually a peck and anything beyond that can be called inappropriate (so tell her not to lick peoples faces but kisses are fine)

children can not be sexual, their brains haven’t developed that far yet ,
they only need to be taught about healthy boundaries and safe touch
and how to be socially acceptable

you need to allow her dad to parent her , it’s not your place unfortunately , you have to just sit back
and if you don’t like it , leave the relationship

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 20:13

There is more I see as wrong but I'm always told I've to appreciate what I have and I've to stop creating problems out of nothing.

Told that by whom? Him or other people?

There’ll be something in your own background that explains why you’ve tolerated this damaging dynamic for so long, perhaps your own family growing up or a previous relationship. Worth exploring in therapy once you’re out of this mess.

Where are your thoughts tonight? Do you have a trusted friend you can chat to about it all? Keep posting here if it’s helpful.

Are you thinking about breaking up with him? If so are there practical things to consider so you can?

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so troubled. It’s the outcome of years of knowing something’s not right but not wanting to acknowledge it, it’s exhausting and upsetting when you have to finally face it. While the validation you’ve had is helpful you’re possibly feeling a bit shocked at how clearly objective strangers can see things and maybe quite judged for staying so long. Don’t take that to heart but hopefully you can use it to keep you strong and resolved to get yourself out of there and lead a happier more peaceful life.

SemperIdem · 02/07/2023 21:42

My dsd (similar age to yours) would never behave like this, nor would her dad encourage/allow it.

It is very odd behaviour.