DSD affectionate with DP

Your dsd’s behaviour is unusual for her age. I don’t see anything sexual but I know it may be one of those thing where you need to be there to see, gut instinct. However it doesn’t sound healthy for her. As you’ve described your dp though then his daughter displaying unusual behaviour makes more sense. You have a dp problem. His behaviour is much more unusual.
I feel bad for the kid, she’s about to go into puberty and doesn’t understand normal behaviour/relationships. However if you do then you should know you need to run a mile from this man. Would you want your own child around him?

Therefore he gets to entirely control his children when they are with him and he controls you by not allowing your concerns to have equal weight as his

If your partner views his daughter as an extension of him then it's a major narcissistic red flag. Emotionally healthy parents recognise their children are individuals with their own needs, they don't see their children as extensions of themselves. As the adult your partner is responsible for the relationship he has with his daughter...I suspect he is also triangulating you and his daughter and enjoys you both competing for his attention.

Don't point the finger at his daughter, she is a child and responding to her Dad. Children want to feel secure & attached and your partner rewards her inappropriate displays of behaviour so why would she do anything differently?

Entirely this ⬆️

@Livinghappy is spot on.
Your partner is doing his dd no favours raising her like this. She is on the fast track to struggling with her future romantic relationships imho. Her dad is encouraging this dysfunction and encouraging her insecurities. Imagine if she wanted a boyfriend in a few years. She's going to struggle when her bf cares about her but has other priorities like sport, friends or a part-time job as well.
Definitely not sexual imo. Read about spousification.

I know its about the poor girl feeling insecure, but it would give me the ick to the nth degree and I would run a country mile. I have come across very odd parenting from single dad's when online dating, not dodgy, just strange (to me anyway).

Definitely sexual, it screams grooming

Doesn't sound sexual to me but she is certainly making it clear that she is number one and it sounds like she is winning .
Your comments about front seat / back seat and partner still being resentful FGS!
I would be rethinking this relationship as i know i could not tolerate this behaviour he sounds as bad as she is .
I do understand her insecurity but you cannot live your life pleasing her constantly to avoid situations that may upset her , i know what its like being a stepmother and some of the similar dramas the child created and it was hard sometimes -adult now, but my partner the childs father was sensible and didn't indulge their bad behaviour or make it into a competition.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · Today 07:12
It sounds like an insecure little girl trying to feel like the most important person in her dads life.

that is all there is. So sad for this broken girl's home, where is her mum? Why the dad is not with his original family but puts his own child through this torment

You have a big DP problem.

It was also apparent when there was a problem with DSD insisting she sits in the front seat every time when I'm in the car or I sit with her in the back when she tells me to do so.
I said no. Big argument with DP afterwards. It was a while ago and to this day DP is resentful saying I broke his heart when I refused let DSD in front when she wanted it and I have hurt him equally as bad as I hurt his DD.

This is the point when you should have walked away, @sundaymorningbliss

I don’t see a sexual element in what you describe, but your DP’s attitude (that DSD following him to loo and waiting for him shows she loves him, that you can’t do anything fun without her etc etc) is just ridiculous. And will never change. So why stay? You definitely don’t want to have children with Mr Disney.

Fuck sake what a loser he is.

He is showing you you're place.

Id leave

It sounds disgusting to me

Leave him to it

🤢

I believe when it comes to child protection and risk management- it's usually worth listening to your gut.

It's not in your head because it's weird behaviour. What I would do with the information I'm not sure.

But I sure as hell wouldn't stay

You listen to your gut. That’s all the evidence you need. Your posts make me feel very uncomfortable indeed, and I have a teen step daughter who’s very close to her dad and naturally tactile with him, her siblings and me. We’re a huggy family and she’s all for resting her head on a shoulder or holding hands but the face licking and kissing you describe isn’t normal at all.

The car thing is an absolute joke.

He’s shockingly disrespectful of you. That’s plenty of reason to leave him. And I really hope you do. Please. For your own sake. As soon as possible.

She sounds a very scared DC. She probably sees that you have took Daddy away from her house and so she is behaving like an adult would to keep him. Very sad but also worrying. It is not the DC fault but your DP. He obvious has deep guilt about leaving the family home but he needs to step up quick and knock this on the head in the best possible way.

This alone is absolutely gobsmackingly awful!!

I would be furious.

Children need to know their place and I DON'T mean in a victorian draconian way, but they need firm boundaries to feel secure. Your DH is doing his daughter no favours whatsoever it is hugely emotionally immature of him.

Do you think he thrives on the attention because maybes she's not like that with her mother and he's winning the 'affection competition'.

I agree with others that it comes from a place of insecurity as hard as that can be to understand - she probably doesn't understand it herself. But that is usually where controlling behaviour stems from in my experience with Foster children.

He is the only person who could put a stop to this but it sounds like he doesn't want to...

I definitely wouldn't stay with a man who disrespected me in this way. Hopefully you can get him to see sense!

Yes I think it’s this, and he’s letting her do it, in fact encouraging it. He shouldn’t be allowing the face and mouth licking, that’s abnormal past toddler age and there are more appropriate ways of showing affection. He does seem to be showing you where you stand OP, and it doesn’t look good. No holidays without DSD because it would “hurt him as much as her” is ridiculous. Trying to make an adult sit in the back of the car because a child insists on having the front seat is also ridiculous, and there are no words for the ridiculousness of him saying it “broke his heart” that you wouldn’t allow it. A nearly 11 year old shouldn’t be sleeping in her dad’s bed.

People saying she’s just an insecure little girl, unsettled by her parent’s’ divorce, have maybe missed that this is relatively new behaviour that has developed over the last few months. Her domestic situation is more stable than it was at first, not less, so she should be feeling more settled. She has a regular routine with her parents that has been in place for some time. She acted normally with her dad for a long time, and now at nearly 11 years old she’s started doing things like waiting for him outside the toilet saying she misses him. This isn’t the maturity of a normal 11 yo girl.

I’m afraid this looks very performative by her, and DP likes showing that they are the centre of each other’s world and you’re of much less importance to him @sundaymorningbliss . As a PP said, the relationship dynamic between the 3 of you is unhealthy but it’s really DP who is the problem. I wouldn’t want to be in this relationship- maybe if he agreed to relationship counselling and was up for changing his behaviour (including his parenting) the relationship could be saved, but otherwise no.

Hopefully enough people telling you this dynamic is very dysfunctional not remotely fucking normal - whatever’s causing it - is validating and prompts you to leave him.

If you do, in time and with distance you’ll see quite how awful this relationship was and how poorly it served you.

It's your DP encouraging this dynamic, not his DD; I'd be off like a shot, as this situation will NOT improve, and you'll always be cast as the bad guy.

Don’t ‘Leave him to it’ if he’s abusing his own child. You need to step in here

No, this is not normal. It gives me the icks. Honestly, OP, as much as I feel for you (and I DO!), I have far more serious concerns for your step-daughters well-being.

The whole situation sounds creepy to me. I'd get out now. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship between the two of them, but if you haven't observed anything 'reportable', there's not much you can do except remove yourself from the equation. Trying to talk reason to him hasn't been successful before, and there's no reason to expect a different result in the future.

I don't think it's sexual, she's obviously just jealous of you. Probably time to end it though as it's making you uncomfortable (which ironically is exactly what the daughter wants!)

I too think you have a dp problem. I am a believer in parents prioritising their children but I really think it’s gone beyond that. Giving in to your child’s every single demand is not good for them.

My dd is my priority but I would never allow her to sit in the front seat of the car if I have an adult passenger. Adults in the front, children in the back, that’s the rule. She is allowed to sit in the front seat if it’s just her and me in the car or just her and her dad.

It’s not just about respect for the adults it is consideration that they are taller, have longer legs, older adults might have some mobility issues and it is easier and more comfortable for them to be in the front.

As for her affection for her dad and following him everywhere and pushing in between you and him. I think that is to do with insecurities rather than being sexual. And maybe your dp is trying his best to help her with that but is going about it in the wrong way.

But all of that is besides the point because he is treating you like an outsider and that’s not ok. You deserve better.