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Original poster

DSD affectionate with DP

137 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 05:53

Posting here for advice after a sleepless night.
Usual poster but NC for this one.

Over the last few months DSDs behaviour has changed towards DP and I can't help it but I see elements of sexual attraction there. Apologies if it's triggering for anyone but I really need some advice on how to deal with it.

It used to be normal up to when she turned 10. Normal affection like you would get between father and daughter, cuddles, kisses and I love you, no concerns there. But now...

She demands DP sleeps with her, when he lays in bed she would jump on him and then bend over and kiss his face and lips and behaves in a way I would say is sexual. It's more like she licks his face and this again happened yesterday just before a bed time when we all were laying in the bed. I've asked her surprised why are you licking your dad's face DSD to which she replied she is only kissing him because she loves him so so much. DP echoed what she said and added than she can always kiss him how she likes and she isn't doing anything wrong. Maybe I'm losing my mind over nothing but every time she does it in this way I cringe.
She tells him she loves him million times a day, he can't even go to a different room without her running behind him saying how much she loves him and that she is missing him so much. I mean, this also heppens when he goes toilet she stands by the door questioning him why it took him so long and what has he been doing there. Again, DP doesn't see anything wrong with it and says he is happy because she clearly loves him so much.

On top of that she became extremely jealous, storming in between DP and I when we sit together or when we walk together and bursting in teras when she doesn't get her own way. DP doesn't see anything wrong with it either and would tell me to stop arguing with DSD when I politely say to her it's not a nice thing to do.

To all this mix comes the way DP has been over the years when we have been together. No holidays without DSD because not taking her would make him feel bad, she thinks life stops here when she is at her mums. I'm not allowed to tell her we have done anything nice or have been anywhere when she was away in case she gets upset.
I sometimes feel like the other woman, like I have to hide our relationship when she is here so she doesn't get upset.

Don't know, is it normal?
Thank you for reading 💐

OP posts:
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FictionalCharacter · 12/07/2023 03:55

Comeandsee53 · 11/07/2023 15:16

I don't know how the Dad can just lay in bed with her licking his face and not say anything. It's just utterly disturbing.

And letting an 11 year old lie on top of him. And he said she can kiss him however she likes.

I’m wondering whether this girl has seen people snogging- maybe her mum and stepdad- and not understood that this is something sexual, but instead thinks it’s just something you do when you love someone. Hence putting her tongue on his face - she thinks it’s how you kiss someone when you “love them so much” as she says. She certainly sounds immature.

The father should be gently stopping her, not lying there enjoying it. He must know it isn’t appropriate. The girl herself will probably hit puberty and think “yuck, what was I thinking”.

Friarclose · 12/07/2023 04:50

Mini wife syndrome maybe.

Jenesaisquoiii · 12/07/2023 10:29

I think you should tell him you are preparing to move out because the behavior is disturbing you too much. I'm not sure if she will be affected by you breaking away but better to be honest, no? So that they can get used to it.
Aren't there rooms you can rent until you find a place? Surely you need to hurry up and get out of this weird environment.
Are you still intimate or is it like you're living with a roommate?

Mars27 · 12/07/2023 10:34

sundaymorningbliss · 11/07/2023 14:10

Right so there is an update but not a very good one.
I spoke to DP last week. He denied some situations took place but also acknowledged he might not see some stuff being wrong. I have explained impact of this on DSD and how fucked up it looks, asked he tells DSD to start behaving in age appropriate way instead of encouraging this weird set up, which he said he will do.
Weekend came and in the morning me & DP in bed, DSD came in for cuddles and started doing this again. DP didn't react at all, but my heart was racing stressed so I have asked her to stop licking his face. She started saying oh but it's my dad and I love him so so much. I've said, DSD look, you are in my bedroom, in my bed, its not appropriate for you to be doing that with your dad at all and you either stop or you go to your own room. She stopped but started again after 5minutes looking at me witch such pride and smile that she is doing again and there is sweet FA I can do. So I've told her to get up and go to her own room. She didn't want to but ended up going. DP hasn't said a word. Maybe harsh but how else do I stop that at least until I move out?
I'm told she is only a child and I need to speak to her to sort it. It is normal that she will be doing things to annoy me and I should accept it because she is a child. And basically there is nothing else we can do other than speaking to her about it. I mean, me speaking to her.
At Sunday dinner they were feeding themselves fries in restaurant, drinking form the same cup. She is now even more clingy. Got upset the other day because DP said 'we' to say that him and I were doing something. She questioned him what did he mean by saying WE? Because surely it wasn't him and sundaymorning. And of course what? He didn't say a word to not to upset her. I'm sorry for the tone of this message, don't want to come across as cheeky but I'm so hurt and frustrated with both of them.

I'm done with this but need to survive potentially the next few months. Nothing on the market I could afford to rent on my own now.

So she does all this, there are moments when she absolutely hates me but an hour later she insists I have to play board games with her, I draw with her, I spend time with her. I'm lost here.

He doesn't know Ive started preparing to move out. What do I even tell him?

Don't tell him anything.

I know it's super hard but if you tell him now it's going to be the seventh circle of hell until you move out.

He already showed that he's not going to change or stop her behaviour, so that's that. Don't have any more conversations as it's pointless.

However, please try not to be angry with her as she's the child in this situation and doesn't know any better, he is the guilty part, not her.

I would have a conversation with her mum after leaving, not before. Tell her everything because this behaviour is highly inappropriate. Even if she's not being groomed (which I think is unlikely), this is not right as your gut feeling told you. Please scroll back and see the charities for which I posted the link and contact them to give you advice and support. Here and other forums will give you all sorts of information good and bad, but please, I beg you to get correct advice from the appropriate people. I have been this child and wish someone had a gut feeling and put a stop to it too.

I'm leaving this thread now as it's too triggering, but I hope everything will be resolved for you and that you can get more work and move out soon. Good luck 🤞🏼

Hibiscrubbed · 12/07/2023 10:38

This is so unsettling to read. Absolutely vile.

I'm done with this but need to survive potentially the next few months. Nothing on the market I could afford to rent on my own now.

You have to get out now. You don’t need to ‘survive potentially’ the next few months. There is a way out, even if you haven’t found it yet. You stay now, you’ll be there forever. And when she hits her teens, it’s going to be a total shitshow.

Leave and consider reporting him, because as much as it turns my stomach to say this, I strongly suspect he is loving this.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 12/07/2023 10:51

@sundaymorningbliss

She really struggles

PixieLaLa · 06/08/2023 23:52

I agree this is so disturbing to read. I don’t think there is anything more you can/should do OP. You tried to tell them both this is not appropriate and they carry on so don’t see how you can continue the relationship for your own sake I would leave. I feel a bit sick so can’t even imagine how you must feel!

Notmygreen · 11/08/2023 21:46

Please, report him to social services, I suspect he is abusing her that's why she behaves like this.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 11/08/2023 22:01

How did his previous marriage end op? Did he cheat by any chance? He seems to be recreating having 2 females fawning over him imo.

CactusPeach · 18/08/2023 21:44

She sounds insecure. I was reading a parenting book about raising teenage girls recently and it mentioned crushes and how girls understand the relationship between husband and wife is different and 'special' and often want this special relationship before they actually have an interest in boys. It's just the allure of being special to someone. So, in this case it sounds like she's insecure and wants to be special to her dad, the bed behaviour is play acting this relationship without understanding what she's imitating, and you as his actual girlfriend are of course some kind of threat so there's a jealousy about your relationship and any closeness between you.
He needs to reassure her and soothe her insecurity but he's not doing her any favours ignoring it or not recognising it.

CactusPeach · 18/08/2023 22:01

Reading your updates it's definitely a partner problem, as mentioned it's a narcissistic trait to see your child as an extension to yourself and incredibly damaging to the child, teens want to explore their independence and need a safe secure base to do that from, which she doesn't have, she's going to have a choice between asserting her independence which is going to be harder than it should or not, and staying enmeshed with him.

Rollonsept · 19/08/2023 06:56

"She demands DP sleeps with her, when he lays in bed she would jump on him and then bend over and kiss his face and lips and behaves in a way I would say is sexual"

This isn't normal. Boundaries need to be set sleeping in a bed with her step dad?, girls bodies change and you have periods. You are the mother take control... otherwise your partner has to go OP.

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