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Original poster

DSD affectionate with DP

137 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 01/07/2023 05:53

Posting here for advice after a sleepless night.
Usual poster but NC for this one.

Over the last few months DSDs behaviour has changed towards DP and I can't help it but I see elements of sexual attraction there. Apologies if it's triggering for anyone but I really need some advice on how to deal with it.

It used to be normal up to when she turned 10. Normal affection like you would get between father and daughter, cuddles, kisses and I love you, no concerns there. But now...

She demands DP sleeps with her, when he lays in bed she would jump on him and then bend over and kiss his face and lips and behaves in a way I would say is sexual. It's more like she licks his face and this again happened yesterday just before a bed time when we all were laying in the bed. I've asked her surprised why are you licking your dad's face DSD to which she replied she is only kissing him because she loves him so so much. DP echoed what she said and added than she can always kiss him how she likes and she isn't doing anything wrong. Maybe I'm losing my mind over nothing but every time she does it in this way I cringe.
She tells him she loves him million times a day, he can't even go to a different room without her running behind him saying how much she loves him and that she is missing him so much. I mean, this also heppens when he goes toilet she stands by the door questioning him why it took him so long and what has he been doing there. Again, DP doesn't see anything wrong with it and says he is happy because she clearly loves him so much.

On top of that she became extremely jealous, storming in between DP and I when we sit together or when we walk together and bursting in teras when she doesn't get her own way. DP doesn't see anything wrong with it either and would tell me to stop arguing with DSD when I politely say to her it's not a nice thing to do.

To all this mix comes the way DP has been over the years when we have been together. No holidays without DSD because not taking her would make him feel bad, she thinks life stops here when she is at her mums. I'm not allowed to tell her we have done anything nice or have been anywhere when she was away in case she gets upset.
I sometimes feel like the other woman, like I have to hide our relationship when she is here so she doesn't get upset.

Don't know, is it normal?
Thank you for reading 💐

OP posts:
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Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 03/07/2023 08:01

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 20:13

There is more I see as wrong but I'm always told I've to appreciate what I have and I've to stop creating problems out of nothing.

Told that by whom? Him or other people?

There’ll be something in your own background that explains why you’ve tolerated this damaging dynamic for so long, perhaps your own family growing up or a previous relationship. Worth exploring in therapy once you’re out of this mess.

Where are your thoughts tonight? Do you have a trusted friend you can chat to about it all? Keep posting here if it’s helpful.

Are you thinking about breaking up with him? If so are there practical things to consider so you can?

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so troubled. It’s the outcome of years of knowing something’s not right but not wanting to acknowledge it, it’s exhausting and upsetting when you have to finally face it. While the validation you’ve had is helpful you’re possibly feeling a bit shocked at how clearly objective strangers can see things and maybe quite judged for staying so long. Don’t take that to heart but hopefully you can use it to keep you strong and resolved to get yourself out of there and lead a happier more peaceful life.

Thank you x
I confined in one of my friends yesterday and she too said it's inappropriate and slightly creepy.
I'm going to speak to DP and it's going to be an ultimatum. Sadly I can see it being turned around on me and me told im jealous of their relationship. If it'll go this way I will get my ducks in a row and get myself out of this mess

OP posts:
MeridianB · 03/07/2023 08:59

Don't lower yourself to an ultimatum, OP. He won't pick a partner over his child. Just quietly walk away and enjoy being free from it all. Flowers

CornishGem1975 · 03/07/2023 09:33

I have a SD the same age and she has all of a sudden got super clingy and touchy. She's like a massive wedge sometimes.

namechangenacy · 03/07/2023 09:41

MeridianB · 03/07/2023 08:59

Don't lower yourself to an ultimatum, OP. He won't pick a partner over his child. Just quietly walk away and enjoy being free from it all. Flowers

I think actually this behaviour needs to be called out. Not dsd behaviour but ops dps as the things he's encouraging is weird.

Ops not asking for him to pick her, with a ultimatum- she's asking for him to recognise this is odd behaviour and not healthily for dsd.

I don't doubt her dp will put it in a your asking me to chose between my child or you. But that's not what she's asking.

I agree though this maybe a complete waste of time and op should run.

Enough red flags to make anyone run tbh

Softoprider · 03/07/2023 09:58

OP there was a thread on here fairly recently where a poster was having problems with her partner and his daughter. They were much older. I remember reading how the guy and his daughter were at a festival with the OP and they were linked up walking ahead and laughing at her. She felt like an onlooker and not his partner. It's not the child's fault that her dad is not parenting properly, but there is only so much of this that you can take surely?

Softoprider · 03/07/2023 10:00

Tbh OP I would deliver any ultimatum. I would be planning an escape from this mess

Softoprider · 03/07/2023 10:00

Sorry I meant would not.......

MeridianB · 03/07/2023 13:44

I can see the temptation to call it out. But it sounds as if OP has done this several times. And really now it's only worth it if she wants to save the relationship. So then I come back to why would saving this relationship be best for OP? If she was my friend IRL I'd say she deserved so much better.

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 03/07/2023 13:46

MeridianB · 03/07/2023 08:59

Don't lower yourself to an ultimatum, OP. He won't pick a partner over his child. Just quietly walk away and enjoy being free from it all. Flowers

It's not for him to pick me or his DD.
It's for him to put right boundaries in place. I think I owe her that before I go.

My thoughts are going in circles now but the more I think about it the more I'm sure I need to exclude myself form this mess.
It has really taken a toll on my mental health

OP posts:
Softoprider · 03/07/2023 13:56

"My thoughts are going in circles now but the more I think about it the more I'm sure I need to exclude myself form this mess.
It has really taken a toll on my mental health"

You do know none of this is your fault OP. He is a Disney dad and out of his depth now. He has created this nightmare and expects you to go along with it.
I think by walking away you will help him to realise where he has been going wrong, but equally so, he has not valued you one bit and does not deserve you.

Jenesaisquoiii · 05/07/2023 17:06

Can see it definitely has you second guessing yourself.
Sounds sadly like you have lost a bit of self esteem and self worth due to this man, and maybe something in your past has you feeling like you owe it to them to keep some kind of stability or commitment?
Poor little girl with this enabling Dad. Spoilt but also a bit deprived I guess. Separated parents isn't abnormal but let me say when it happened to my Mum and Dad I did the normal thing and lashed out at other kids whose parents were together. Same age as her. Never would be all over my Dad. I wanted him to STOP squeezing me/kissing me like he had lost me. It was uncomfortable, but then again that is probably because I knew he was violent towards my Mum and never forgave that. But this guy isn't at all willing to say no to his daughter. Whatever works for them.
I would just think about the future you want, and thank your lucky stars you don't share a family with him.
Don't let yourself be 2nd best. He should be expressing that you are BOTH his no1 girls.
How's it going now? Did he agree to changes being made?

Hehasasecretfriend · 10/07/2023 16:25

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 01/07/2023 13:02

Are you desperate? Why the fuck are you still there watching all of this unfold? The child behaves like she does because of her batshit father and believe me, this ain't going to get better the older she gets, it's going to get weirder. Gather some self respect and get out. What does it say about you that you are still there?

What a nasty post.

SunglassesAtMidnight · 10/07/2023 16:36

sundaymorningbliss · 02/07/2023 19:39

@Yahyahs22
Never asked that. She is tall, taller than I and since I've known her she was on a booster seat

If she's taller than you it makes sense for her to travel in the front seat where there is more leg room.

maybelou · 10/07/2023 17:25

It's terrifying how many posters on here don't see a problem with this. It sounds like he's grooming her.

GoldenMirror · 10/07/2023 19:46

Children always in the back is my rule.

my ds is huge, but I wouldn’t dream of putting my partner in the back.

SemperIdem · 10/07/2023 20:12

SunglassesAtMidnight · 10/07/2023 16:36

If she's taller than you it makes sense for her to travel in the front seat where there is more leg room.

Show quote history

Give over.

Children go in the back.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 10/07/2023 20:58

Surely it's just respectful that adults get the front seat?
Dsd has it repeatedly reinforced she is higher 'ranking' than the op. Bet this is on all sorts of levels..

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/07/2023 21:18

My friends 19yr old SD is like this.

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 11/07/2023 14:10

Right so there is an update but not a very good one.
I spoke to DP last week. He denied some situations took place but also acknowledged he might not see some stuff being wrong. I have explained impact of this on DSD and how fucked up it looks, asked he tells DSD to start behaving in age appropriate way instead of encouraging this weird set up, which he said he will do.
Weekend came and in the morning me & DP in bed, DSD came in for cuddles and started doing this again. DP didn't react at all, but my heart was racing stressed so I have asked her to stop licking his face. She started saying oh but it's my dad and I love him so so much. I've said, DSD look, you are in my bedroom, in my bed, its not appropriate for you to be doing that with your dad at all and you either stop or you go to your own room. She stopped but started again after 5minutes looking at me witch such pride and smile that she is doing again and there is sweet FA I can do. So I've told her to get up and go to her own room. She didn't want to but ended up going. DP hasn't said a word. Maybe harsh but how else do I stop that at least until I move out?
I'm told she is only a child and I need to speak to her to sort it. It is normal that she will be doing things to annoy me and I should accept it because she is a child. And basically there is nothing else we can do other than speaking to her about it. I mean, me speaking to her.
At Sunday dinner they were feeding themselves fries in restaurant, drinking form the same cup. She is now even more clingy. Got upset the other day because DP said 'we' to say that him and I were doing something. She questioned him what did he mean by saying WE? Because surely it wasn't him and sundaymorning. And of course what? He didn't say a word to not to upset her. I'm sorry for the tone of this message, don't want to come across as cheeky but I'm so hurt and frustrated with both of them.

I'm done with this but need to survive potentially the next few months. Nothing on the market I could afford to rent on my own now.

So she does all this, there are moments when she absolutely hates me but an hour later she insists I have to play board games with her, I draw with her, I spend time with her. I'm lost here.

He doesn't know Ive started preparing to move out. What do I even tell him?

OP posts:
Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 11/07/2023 14:11

PrincessHoneysuckle · 10/07/2023 21:18

My friends 19yr old SD is like this.

How does your friend deal with it?
I do t think I could cope at all with 19 years old being like it.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 11/07/2023 14:25

@sundaymorningbliss well you have your answer don't you

You said he needed to step in. He said okay. Then he didn't.

He let you be the bad guy. Fucking up your relationship with her because he doesn't want to ruin what he's got with her

I don't know what you're waiting for. It's fucked.

You don't have a sd problem. You have a major red flag wearing dp problem.

sodthesodoff · 11/07/2023 14:30

Apologies. My phone cut off the end of your message where you said you're trying to move out.

Is there no one you can stay with for a while?

I wouldn't bother explaining anything to him. You have. He's not listening. What's the point.

Comeandsee53 · 11/07/2023 15:16

I don't know how the Dad can just lay in bed with her licking his face and not say anything. It's just utterly disturbing.

Laurdo · 11/07/2023 17:26

Comeandsee53 · 11/07/2023 15:16

I don't know how the Dad can just lay in bed with her licking his face and not say anything. It's just utterly disturbing.

I don't know how anyone can stand someone licking their face. I will happily snog the face off my DH all day long but if he just stated licking my face I'd be like "WTF, stop that!"