Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Dp wants dss to live with us, and i don't !

128 replies

MrsParker · 12/11/2008 00:02

I've been with dp for nearly 2 years. Have one ds together 7 months. I have a dd 4 who lives with us. And he has dss 6 who we have every friday night through to sunday. Weekends are very stressful, kids fight all the time, and i look forward to sunday when he goes home.

There have been some problems today with dp's ex and dss. She doesn't want him living there, either he goes into foster care or comes to live with us. He has previously been sent to live with an auntie for 6months coz she couldn't cope.
Dss wants to live with us, does not want to go home.

Seems she doesn't bother with dss, never helps with homework, doesn't cook for him, swears at him. Apparently fridge is full of alcohol, not food.

Problem is, i don't think i could cope with dss full time. I would be main care giver as partner works. The kids argue and fight constantly. Me & dp often take sides. My child against his child. Then we have the one in the middle of it.

Anyway, dp obviously wants him here and i don't. Think this will signify the end of our relationship, as i understand he has to put his dss first.

Anyone got any advice Please.

OP posts:
NCbirdy · 12/11/2008 00:09

The option is care or you? I have to say I, personally, wouldn't think twice about it. All step-siblings fight, it is difficult when one is part time and one is not IYSWIM. This would most likely settle down afer a while if dss was with you full time.

However, having said all that, I do think that you are probably not as happy in the relationship as you could be if you are prepared to leave rather than try it out.

IMO you need to talk to your dp, explain your worries and see if there is a way you can get this sorted out without creating another broken family which will be very bad for both dss and your ds.

sleepycatonabroomstick · 12/11/2008 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 12/11/2008 00:16

for you but I think if you have the DSS there full time things would settle down. Poor little boy, not wanted by his mum, can you not open your heart to him a little more?

You need to have a frank discussion with your DP about the taking sides thing - that should not continue. If you are all going to live as one family then you have to stand together. As NCB says, there are more issues in your relationship that need addressing than your DSS - you need to work through those.

in the meantime, you might find your dss is actually a lot nicer if he doesn't have to spend time worrying about going back to his own mum, and if you accept him, there are likely to be fewer fights. You need to be the big-hearted person here, please.

hellish · 12/11/2008 02:14

Agree with everyone, you would probably find that there would be less conflict if he lived with you full time. The children would find their new places within the family.

Also, don't forget he'll be at school during the week so not 24 hours like at the weekend.

Why not agree to a trial, setting down agreed rules with your dp about not taking sides.

Original poster
MrsParker · 12/11/2008 06:55

Thanks for the replies. I don't think it would be fair on my daughter or son. Dss is very domaineering. My dd does everything he says. He teaches her swear words. He's been in trouble at school lately for touching other boys private parts, and is fascinated with drawing willy's. On his bed covers, walls etc... Don't get me wrong I know Dp has to choose his son. Just worry about the effects on my dd and ds.
They are not allowed to play unsupervised as they have been caught playing inappropriate games. Last year he was caught at school on top of another child, and then with same girl with his hand up her skirt. I'm worried that this isn't normal behaviour. I know he's only 6, but what if something happened to my dd?
I'm worried that my dd may be at risk. I'm due back at work in two weeks, and i'm not sure i could of left her with them anyway because of this.
I know i sound cruel and cold hearted, but everytime i think we should give it a try, my dd's welfare pops into my head. She does everything dss says.
Maybe this is all normal, and because he's not my ds, i'm not willing to accept it

OP posts:
herbietea · 12/11/2008 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 12/11/2008 07:36

Poor child.

NotQuiteCockney · 12/11/2008 07:45

The sexual behaviour does sound inappropriate, although childishly inappropriate. He's no doubt had a really difficult life, living with his mother, and all her problems.

You've got to have him living with you - he is a child, he's had a shit start, it would be a really good thing if he could have a better life, and his behavioural issues would no doubt get better. (As long as he didn't think you couldn't stand him etc etc ...)

Original poster
MrsParker · 12/11/2008 07:45

But has anyone read my last post, where i explain i have concerns over my dd's welfare?

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 12/11/2008 07:48

poor poor child, i am not surprised that his behavior is concerning.
i have to question your relationship if you would rather end it than have the child live with you.
how would you feel if your DH said that your eldest DD couldn't live with you?
this little boy clearly needs someone to show him that he is valued/loved

NotQuiteCockney · 12/11/2008 07:49

When you're at work, where will the kids be? Any chance they could have separate childcare arrangements, at least at the start, while things are settling down?

Your daughter will need to learn to stand up for herself, for school, for life. Yes, you'll need to supervise the two of them closely for a while.

nzshar · 12/11/2008 07:55

Welfare? FFS lay down some ground rules, keep an eye on him, try to get seperate activities for them BUT take the poor child in.

Then again it is very obvious that you dont care for this child at all and I am sure he knows it. You are truely contemplating leaving your dp I see your commitment to him is strong then

He is a 6 year old boy in need not a bloody monster! If my dss was in that situation when he was that age we wouldnt have thought twice about it. Yeah it would be hard but better than him in care.

Original poster
MrsParker · 12/11/2008 07:59

I love my dp vey much, and i realize us splitting up will have an impact on my dd & ds as well as dp & dss. But would it be fair to take him in, and then have it not work out, and we split up?

OP posts:
Upwind · 12/11/2008 07:59

He is only 6! Fascination with willies is perfectly normal at that age. You seem extraordinarily selfish.

This is very for the poor child.

Original poster
MrsParker · 12/11/2008 08:06

Would no one else be worried about dss's behaviour? If they had a younger dd? What if something did happen, would i ever be able to forgive myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsParker · 12/11/2008 08:08

Got to go on school run now, be back? Anymore responses would be welcome, even if it is only to say i'm a selfish cow.

OP posts:
Mumi · 12/11/2008 08:08

You don't think it'll be fair on your DCs but it's not fair that your DSS should have to go into foster care either. Life isn't fair but you get on with it. You're not married but as you're living together, aren't you at least aiming for some kind of long term, stable family relationship, come what may?

Yes, I do think there is an element of you not accepting it because he is your DSS. If he was your own son, you'd probably take him to the doctor so he can be referred for therapy as it sounds like his mother is allowing him to become exposed to inappropriate behaviour which he is copying. Instead it sounds like you are talking about him as if he was an adult who should know better, which he can't.

NotQuiteCockney · 12/11/2008 08:11

It sounds like he might try to do something inappropriate with your DD. You need to talk to your DD, reinforce with her the fact that her body is her own, and she has the right to say no, and some parts of her body are private bits, and not for other people to fiddle with.

And you have to supervise them.

Obviously, I would be worried about your dss's behaviour. Both in terms of its impact on your dd, and as a reflection of the hurt he has suffered. Obviously your dd's welfare is a concern - but what about your dss's welfare?

gagarin · 12/11/2008 08:11

MrsParker - it sounds as if your dss needs a referral to a child psychologist.

Why not tell your dp you will have dss to live with you with certain conditions.

Such as dp oraganses the CAMHS referral and goes to all the sessions with him; that dp organises to speak to the SENCO at dss school (or new school) and arrange for regular meetings at school; that dp arranges for dss to join the cubs/junior football (or something) and is the one to take him to the sessions/camps etc

This little boy needs structure and understanding - and it sounds as though you are frightened that he is damaged in some way. His dad has to really step up to his responsibilities and be proactive seeking out help and organising his son's life.

If his dad is fully committed and will go and sort out all of these issues I would hope your dss may settle down quicker than you fear.

Anna8888 · 12/11/2008 08:12

He is six. He has an uncaring mother, and a stepmother who, I am afraid, sounds very uncaring too.

I think you cannot even contemplate not giving a home to this little boy. I also think you might need some psychological and parenting support in order to provide him with the kind of loving, supportive, boundary-respecting environment this little boy deserves.

NotQuiteCockney · 12/11/2008 08:12

Oh, and yes, what Mumi said, re: therapy - he does sound as if he could do with some, maybe some family therapy so you can start a life together with your DSS with the right attitude, and the right approach for his behavioural issues?

fishie · 12/11/2008 08:15

mrsparker he is only 6, this is so sad. he wants to live with you and you won't even contemplate giving him a chance?

he isn't just going to disappear forever even if he does go into foster care, there will be visits etc and the whole situation will be much worse because he will KNOW that you don't want him.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 12/11/2008 08:15

I wouldn't worry too much about the willy drawing/touching unless he was using it to try and get affection. It could quite easily be attention seeking behaviour.

Given his background he is reasonably likely to have an attachment disorder ( would be stunned if he didn't tbh). Why not look into that & try and get professional family help to deal with that. His behaviour is likely to be difficult with an attachment disorder but if he does have one then a stable family home is essential to give him any chance of any sort of future really

I wouldn't worry about your dd's. They will of course need supervision until you know what is at the root of but in the same way a toddler and baby need supervision. People go on and on about how having a child like ds1 (severely disabled) in their family 'wouldn't be fair on the the other children' and as someone who has a family with ds1 plus 2 siblings I can hand on heart say they benefit from having him and the hand wringing that others do is all bollocks. This little boy is your ds's half sibling presumably? I think its important to show our children we treat our family members well and put ourselves out for them.

Poor little boy

gagarin · 12/11/2008 08:16

Why is everyone being so harsh!

For whatever reason this little lad has been behaving like the "bully in the playground" that so many mums on here complain about.

And that behaviour is prob down to the fact that he has a horrible life.

I just think that if most of us were suddenly facing a disruptive child coming into our children's life with whom we have no emotional conection we would think twice and try and avoid it at all costs.

It's the dad who has to organsie all these things for dss - to show his son he is committed to his welfare and to show his dp that he won't bugger off to work and leave her doing all the "therapy" on her own at home!

Tortington · 12/11/2008 08:21

i couldn;t take the thought that he was going into foster care if i were in your shoes.

and if you wee to take him youwould have to sit down and have a firm onversation about rules in your house and that you will be the main +-sanction person and you expect dh to back you up to the hilt.

that any sign of fracture in front of the children and your DH would have thechoice of his son in foster care or the break up of his marriage.

i think an awful lot of this rests with how you dp is.
how much he is willing to help etc