Dp wants dss to live with us, and i don't !

[MrsParker]

I've been with dp for nearly 2 years. Have one ds together 7 months. I have a dd 4 who lives with us. And he has dss 6 who we have every friday night through to sunday. Weekends are very stressful, kids fight all the time, and i look forward to sunday when he goes home.

There have been some problems today with dp's ex and dss. She doesn't want him living there, either he goes into foster care or comes to live with us. He has previously been sent to live with an auntie for 6months coz she couldn't cope.
Dss wants to live with us, does not want to go home.

Seems she doesn't bother with dss, never helps with homework, doesn't cook for him, swears at him. Apparently fridge is full of alcohol, not food.

Problem is, i don't think i could cope with dss full time. I would be main care giver as partner works. The kids argue and fight constantly. Me & dp often take sides. My child against his child. Then we have the one in the middle of it.

Anyway, dp obviously wants him here and i don't. Think this will signify the end of our relationship, as i understand he has to put his dss first.

Anyone got any advice Please.

But MrsParker surely you realise that situations change especially when it comes to children. Knowing your partner had a son there was always going to be a possibility that he may want to live with him at some stage. You cant have gone into your relationship that niave?

If you start a relationship with someone who already has children, you always have to be aware that sometime, some day you may have those children living with you full-time.

There is, of course, the thorny problem of, if you do split up, your ds will, presumably, be going to your current dp's house to stay with his father - this will mean that he is with dss. So dss will affect your children in some way whether or not you decide to let him move in.

From the background you give it would appear that dss is a very mixed up little boy - which would go some way to explain his behaviour. Perhaps a stable family will help him to change - which would make your weekends easier.

However, it sounds as though you do need to get the groundrules set out very clearly from the beginning. You must let him know what is acceptable behaviour - and when he is being good you will really need to be positive with him and not let it go unnoticed - but unnacceptable behaviour is not on - same goes for school etc.

You also need to get some ground rules set with your dp. He needs to take dss to football at the weekend, even if only in a park for a kickaround. He needs to take responsibility for looking after dss when you are putting the younger children to bed - and this needs to be active parenting - helping read a book, do homework, whatever.

What have you got to lose by giving it a trial - you can be very clear to both dp and dss that it is a trial and you are going to see how it goes

Remember, a lot of siblings fight too - its what children do. It is the inappropriate behaviour and bullying behaviour that you have to put a stop to. (and the taking sides - both you and dp)

I just cannot understand how you can expect someone to accept that you have a dd living with you full time but yet you say you may not have continued a relationship had he a son living with him full time. I am honestly not trying to have a go I am just trying to understnad. It just really sounds like you cannot/will not accept this little boy as just as much part of the same family that your dd is.
I totally agree with the others one thing you have to accept when you get into a relationship with a man with children that there is always the possibilty that one day somehow they will come to live with you. Had it never occurd tou at any point that god forbid anything happened to his mother that dss would live with his father things like that?

Yes, obviously if she'd of died i understand he'd of come to live with us. But she hasn't died, she says she can't cope with him. Swearing, violent etc. I admit she is probably the root cause of his problems. He is very insecure and mixed up, constantly saying he loves me and his dad, waiting for the response. I kmow its hard for him. I'm just saying i don't think i could cope full time, and if i can't cope whilst there 4 and 6, maybe is best it ends now before their teenagers and it drives us apart anyway.

I work weekends, and am due back in two weeks. Dp would be totally responsible for all 3 children all day Saturday and sunday evening, and i doubt he will supervise them properly. My dd used to complain that ds had been hitting her. My dp would tell me how bad my dd had been, never his son. I have been at home now on maternity leave, i supervise them. DD is no angel, but unfortunately dss causes alot of arguments. Primarily because he's insecure when he comes to our home, and is trying to make a place for himself.

I don't think that death of the other parent is the only set of circumstances in which you need to be prepared to welcome your partner's child(ren) into your home. You have to be prepared for it for myriad reasons. The reasons you have before you sound perfectly justifiable.

Have you thought about going to parenting classes?

How very very for this little boy.
I have 2 ds's and a dss.
Even though his behaviour sounds like it might now be on the inappropriate side, I need to reassure you I've seen plenty of willy waving, pulling, and silly jokes.
I was going to recommend you approach SS for help / family therapy, but actually I get the impression you really don't want this boy. Unless you can open your heart and mind and commit to making this extended family work there is no point. This ds deserves the commitment of a secure family unit. As for your dh/dp, more fool you for putting up with lazy selfish behaviour.I suggest you grow some balls and start demanding some respect and help.
Really for all the dc's involved in this.

Mrsparker, he is 6 fgs. Yes his behaviour is not appropriate, yes it will be tough but he is 6. With social services backing there will be access to behavioural therapy, councilling and much more. This, together with a stable home life will all help him to grow and get better.

His mother can't cope? Yu say she drinks etc, well do you honestly think that a 6yo boy can drive someone to drink? You are using her behaiour as an excuse to validate your own.

BTW, I don't really think a 6yo os going to rape or abuse your dd, no matter how inappropropriate you find his behaviour. Both you and he need help. (and your dp needs to pull his socks up - but you are perfectly capable of telling him that yourself!)

Oh, and you say he is insecure in your house? I wonder why

I probably would try parenting classes, not sure about dp, he might. How'd you find out about them?
I don't know if there is even a relationship at this point, as i told dp yesterday i would not be prepared for his son to live with us.
Just felt so pushed out, he was round there talking to his ex and her family. Discussing living with us, and how i could take dss to morning club at his school, then take my dd to her school. Would mean getting them up at 6am, just don't think anyone cares about me and my kids. Everyone's talking about him living with us, don't they realise I would be looking after him? So i should have some say.

you know what MrsParker you're right! End it now. you're not commited to the relationship, infact you must have hardly known dp when you fell pregnant. Will be easier all round. especially for your dd and ds......

I say he is insecure in our house, as i have read that step children often feel left out, as he doesn't live here all week, only weekends.
Don't get me wrong I care about him, i would not see him in care. Honestly, i do not love him. I only see him at weekends, and from the moment he arrives arguments start. I know he is only 6, i know he is messed up, but what i'm saying is that we are struggling financially, mine and dp's relationship is fragile as it is, and i don't feel i could cope with dss fulltime, or that our relationship is strong enough to survive it

i agree with ingles, sorry but when i got together with dh i was making a comitment to his children, i always knew there would be a chance they would have to live with us.

I think your dp is behaving like an arse tbh
Why should he go on the PC, go out to football at weekends leaving you looking after all 3 kids
He needs to wake up and smell the coffee
What does he want to do re his son?

Of course you should have a say, as long as it is constructive. Spitting your dummy out and wailing "they won't talk to me" is childish.

This is serious, at this point YOU are all that stands between a small boy having the opportunity of a normal life surrounded my love and care and being shoved into the social service system. The other option yu seem to favour is letting your child and his child go through their second family break not to mention your joint child. Goodness only knows what effect that will have on them all!

No-one loves their step children at first, it is only time and care that develops that kind of a bond not a relationship with a biological parent!

I have only read OP

Have to say i am how would you like it if your DP decided he couldnt cope with your dd, so told you to decide, foster care, or send her to her father?

If i was your dp, i would be making plans to set up home on my own and preparing myself for being a single parent.

You quite obviously dont care for this little boy at all

Poor little boy. This is heart-breaking.

I don't know. Think me and dp need to have another talk. I can see that maybe life will be better if he lives with us full-time and his behaviour improves.
I don't think i can give him the love he needs. I've spent weekends with him for the last 7 months, didn't see him much before as i worked weekends. During that time i haven't grown to love him. Although i think i should of. Its so hard with them arguing all the time, i instinctively want to protect my dd and dp is the same. Don't think that would ever change.

I suggest you have a very serious chat with your dp MP.
Children aren't stupid, this little boy, will know exactly how you feel about him. You can't just look out for your dd, you need to look out for all of the dc's equally,and fairly with love and respect.

I suspect my dp is thinking about setting up home on his own with his son, as he should. He knows i am capable of looking after our ds and my dd, but dss has no one but him, if his mother doesn't want him.
I know that, not sure why i posted. Felt positive after some posts that maybe it could work, with councelling, help from social services. But some other negative posts, make me realise that i don't care enough for dss.
And maybe i did get pregnant with ds quick, and your point is? it happens.

This little boy needs a home and some good parenting by the sounds of it, and i dont think you are the person to do, you are far too 'me me me', i feel very for him, i hope his father decides to go it alone and give him a proper home tbh.

my point is you obviously didn't think about the implications for dp's ds, your dd and joint ds. you obviously didn't know dp well enough to realise you'd be left with the dc. you haven't imo made a commitment in that time to dp and his family.
I don't know why you posted either really. you have made it really clear from the beginning that you have no space in your heart for this little boy.
I'm incredulous that you think this is the best solution for the 3 dc's involved in this family. Really

Just a quick point. I can't comment on the children v stepchildren fighting issue, as I have no stepchildren.

However, I do have three sons, all of whom have been six years old at some point, and I can say catagorically, without fear of contradiction, that siblings fight, whether they are step siblings or full siblings. Your younger two will fight as they grow up, and you will learn to cope with it - we all do.

I can honestly understand why you are finding this situation so scary - it would scare me too, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't give this child a chance, if I were in your shoes.

Others who know far more about this than I do have made some excellent practical suggestions. Your dp has GOT to be far more involved in the family - even if you didn't have dss staying at the weekends, his behaviour in going off and not spending time with his own child is reprehensible. In fact, if his being more hands on is a condition of your taking his ds in, this could work to the benefit of the whole family - they'd all get a more hands-on dad.

Good luck with this decision, and I truly hope you make the right choice.