Dp wants dss to live with us, and i don't !

[MrsParker]

I've been with dp for nearly 2 years. Have one ds together 7 months. I have a dd 4 who lives with us. And he has dss 6 who we have every friday night through to sunday. Weekends are very stressful, kids fight all the time, and i look forward to sunday when he goes home.

There have been some problems today with dp's ex and dss. She doesn't want him living there, either he goes into foster care or comes to live with us. He has previously been sent to live with an auntie for 6months coz she couldn't cope.
Dss wants to live with us, does not want to go home.

Seems she doesn't bother with dss, never helps with homework, doesn't cook for him, swears at him. Apparently fridge is full of alcohol, not food.

Problem is, i don't think i could cope with dss full time. I would be main care giver as partner works. The kids argue and fight constantly. Me & dp often take sides. My child against his child. Then we have the one in the middle of it.

Anyway, dp obviously wants him here and i don't. Think this will signify the end of our relationship, as i understand he has to put his dss first.

Anyone got any advice Please.

FWIW, and speaking from experience, it will be a damn sight harder for you as a single parent to 2 dc than it wouild be to have your dss come live with you, there are also the implications on your dc, and how will you support yourself finacially if your dp leaves?

exactly VT and have you considered his mother, mothers family, might want access to dss at weekends?

I agree with Anna8888. I think if things were right in your relationship with your dp this wouldn't seem unsurmountable.

By the sounds out the child's mother's fridge it sound like she can't cope because she has a drink problem. That is a huge difference between you and her.
However you need to want to make a difference in this boys life.

I havnt reaf the whole thread but just want to put a few points forward.

I have been in foster care (my mum was ill in hospital with lukimia) but I still have contact with my foster parents and my foster siblings. Im not trying to make you feel guilty but I think it would be awful if you let him go into care. There is no gaurente that he would get a long term placement and so could be uprooted every few months to new carers. This is only going to make his issues worse. Also imagine being put into care because no one wanted you, how much is that going to screw a kid up!

Personally I would take dsson and see is you cant get some help for his behaviour problems. I have seen a lot of children settled into loving families and with a bit of work their behaviour really turns around, maybe all he needs is love and stability?

MrsParker, you have the opportunity to do something wonderful here, for all of you.

As I have said, I know it will be tough but, if you involve SS, you will have various support systems in place.

Dp needs to get his head out of the sand and realise that this is going to take a lot more than just you running him to kids club. You need to sit down together and work out exactly how you would work it, who would do what (right down to cooking, cleaning etc) when you can expect nights out (both of you as you will need a break too). Once you have done all of that you can sit down yourself and decide if the proposal is one you can work with... not just that, one you can give everything you have. Once you dive in you have to give it every ounce of your being to make it work and so does DP. You need to be confident he is in as much as you are.

I am sorry that I have been harsh with you, I know it is probably not my place as I don't know you IRL, however, if you were one of my friends then I would have said exactly what I have said here!

I was a single parent before i met dp. I have family support and willbe going back to work anyway, may need to change my hours around.
I don't know if i would be anymore unhappy if i was a single parent, than if dss came to live with us.
I doubt the mother will want access. She didn't visit him in 6 months when he went to live with auntie. When we discussed christmas with her previously she said we could have him all christmas, not bothered about seeing her own son christmas day

Feel so negative now, after the slating i've got on here. Feel there is no hope. Feel very sad for all our children

I feel very sorry for you DC too, and your dp and your dss, as you are putting your own needs before all of them. I think if your were not so 'woe is me' then you would at least give it a go for the sake ofr your dp and your dss, at least then, if it didnt work out, you could say, at least I tried.

Tbh its sounds like you are looking for a way out of your current relationship anyway.

I think the suggestion of a trial period could work really well for you.
If the mother is as bad as you say she is then her ds probs wont have had any sort of routine and structure in his life and if he has a bahaviour problem then this could be key to him and all children need firm boundries.

I hope you dont mind me saying this but you really sound like you dont want things to work between you and your dp. Your already planning how you would cope if you were alone.

I really feel for the poor ds and just hope someone can love him. The poor little mite probably feels like he is being pushed from pillar to post and from what you said about him expressing feelings for you and your dp just wants a mummy and daddy. I really do feel for him. Im not judging at all. I just think you really need to think about everything before you dismiss having him.

I also feel very sad for all the children involved in this.

I think you are being very honest and you are rightly very worried about the impact that a difficult and disturbed child will have on your family unit. You would be daft NOT to be worried. You obv have issues with your DP already if you have been going to Relate. Are those issues sorted or ongoing?

If you have serious problems with your DP and are worried that the relationship is not strong anyway than I would agree with you that you shouldn't take your DSS.

Your DP needs to be more involved. You need to trust that he will look after them all properly at weekends. If he is as uninvolved as you say at the moment I would be worried about your DD and DS anyway let alone your DSS.

Obv the boy is disturbed. Obv he is insecure. That is probably sortable. But it will take a lot of commitment from you and your DP. From the little you have said I wonder if your DP is mature enough to deal with it all anyway.

FWIW I don't think you are hard-hearted. I think you are being very practical and honest and are in a relationship with problems.

I have no regrets about being harsh about this thread. In fact If I was talking to you in RL, I'd be harsher. I'd even go so far as to say I think you are "punishing" this little boy because you are unhappy in your relationship.
If you relationship has broken down totally, there is no point in considering any of this, it won't be good for the dss. you, to my mind though, seem to think nothing of accepting a broken family for your own ds.

you know what...send him over here. I'll love him.

mrsparker, for what it's worth, and whatever people think of your response to this situation, i think you have been quite brave to be so honest about the way you feel about this situation. in addition, i think it is vital that you are honest - with yourself and your dp - while you make a decision.

you are quite right, while your first responsibility will always be to your children, dp's will always be to his, so if you can't face the propsed future you may have to make some very difficult decisions.

also, your dss is only 6 now, but will grow up more quickly than you can imagine ( for all us parents). if he has issues with his sexuality and taking advantage of other children, this needs to be addressed by a professional. an enormous amount of damaging sexual abuse is carried out by older children - not just dirty old men. alternatively, as other posters have suggested, this might just be normal 6yo behaviour.

he is just a sad child who needs love and care and maybe help. even if he doesn't get that from you, could you ensure that dp seeks advice, maybe initially from your gp? i am sure you don't want to just wash your hands of him, and (again) as has already been pointed out, your youngest child will always be his brother so this is in your interest really.

i have to agree that it seems a bit rich that dp is prepared to live with your child full time, but you are not prepared to live with his. it must be v hard for step parents to see their dp's dcs over breakfast every morning and not see their own . he has surely made big emotional sacrifices?
but that in itself is not particulalrly helpful, because what you are saying, i think, is that you just don't feel you can do it? and if you really are not able, then maybe you have already made a decision? if that is the case, there is no point in us making you feel bad about it - presumably you already feel a mixture of awful and despairing and torn...

the only really constructive things i can think of are that ime truly loving dp tends to lead to loving dscs - because they are a part of each other iyswim? and that you should always always always be truthful and honest with each other - you need to both go into this with your eyes wide open, and keep the communication up throughout.

i hope that helps? i hope you don't feel judged. and i hope you are able to access the rl support you all need to make this work.

(had to go and do something part way through typing so if this has all been superceded by the time post appears, i apologise!!)

MrsParker

I feel you have had some constructive advice and some very harsh comments.

I do wonder if DSS came to live with you, and you had the chance to provide the right structure and encouragement, whether his behaviour would improve and you would start to have a better bond with him?

I also feel the key to all of this is your relationship with your partner. Can you talk to him and agree some groundrules on how to make this work. The options you are considering seem very black and white.

You mention not affording relate - but I wonder if there is any family therapy that you could access for free that could help you both work though this - especially given what is at stake.

Hope you find a way to give your DSS and your relationship a chance.

I agree with Buda - you need to work out whether you and dp want to stay together and are willing to work at it. Children don't make it any easier, and when you have ss potentially coming into the picture and already know that he is not easy, this will mean that you have to work a bit harder.

I second the sitting down with dp and working out a clear plan between you - what you both are prepared to do, how childcare will work, how you both are going to ensure that your joint (ie all 3 of them) children are going to grow up in a loving household.

I am not surprised that you don't feel love for your dss yet, despite caring from him each weekend - it sounds as though you get most of the lows and have yet to benefit from any of the highs. I sometimes don't like my son at all - although I do love him - he can be really infuriating - and it sounds as though you've only really had this experience from your dss.

HOWEVER, what if most of his problems are effectively caused by his insecurity - two households, one not loving with little parental care or guidance, little love and no feeling of belonging. What if, after some time with a stable home and two parental figures setting clear boundaries and giving love and affection, he turned into a more 'normal' 6 yo boy - pretty manic at times, full of life and energy, but also loving and occasionally gentle and cuddly. He might be that boy - who knows - his current situation does not seem to have allowed him to be.

Would you be prepared to throw away your dps company and affection (I presume at least), remove the father figure that your dd has become used to, and take away your joint ds from his father without giving it a go?

I think that you are frightened - understandably. Perhaps with the right help - both as a family, from school, and definitely from your dp (who needs to pull his socks up) you might be able to work this out so that you all benefit, and no one loses out.

MrsParker, I just wanted to post and lend my support to you. You are facing a massive task and I don't blame you in anyway for feeling the way you do. I think it's really hard for people to understand what it's like to have step children and how your overpowering bond with your own children superceeds anything else.

Of course you are frightened for your dd's welfare, and it is only natural to feel like this as you are her mum. You feel a responsibility to your dss and dp but at the same time probably feel entirely responsible for your dd's happiness and could never forgive yourself if it all went wrong.

Apologies if someone has already suggested it but maybe family mediation and the involvement of social services could work positively for you.

I'm sorry you've had a bit of a slating so far and I haven't read all of the replies but it is easy to see things as black and white from an outsiders point of view if you haven't experienced the gut wrenching feelings decisions like this cause.

The last few posts have been really supportive. I don't realy want to split with dp. I love him very much. I thought he loved me, but when he came to talk yesterday, he after i'd told him how i feel, he said he'd worked out how much he'd get if we sold our house? So not sure if there is anything left to save. His sister said he said it because he's hurt & scared. But he's obviously been doing some sums.
Understand where his priorities lie, but knowing this makes me doubt our relationshio and its strength anyway

I think you should talk to your dp again. Maybe he made that comment bacause he didnt think you wated the relationship to work. Would it help if you sat down told him you love him, your fears etc and tried to find a solution between you?

It would be sad if you did split for the childrens sake but also yours as you still love him. Sorry, I am not sure what to say really. x

mrsparker, don't doubt the strength of your relationship because of what he has said/been thinking - it's only what you have said/been thinking! you are both feeling a bit defensive...i think that's the word i'm looking for?

he is simply being honest with you, as you have been with him, and that is imo a sign of strength in a relationship. at least, it either means you are both giving up on the relationship, or you both trust each with your thoughts and feelings. hopefully the latter.

i think one of the saddest things is when a relationship comes to an end because one or both parties don't trust the other enough to be honest with them - because then one partner can lack the support they need and resentment can build up. this can lead to a once strong relationship breaking down, when it could have been saved with some straight talking early on. so it looks like you are approachng this from a position of strength. a couple is a team. it functions at its best with regular team meetings and teamwork! this is what you seem to be doing really

i guess he's as scared as you are about what this means for all of you, and he needs to be able to tell you that without being judged for his feelings.

Can you understand how he must feel though? I am sure you would fight until your last breath to stop your own dc going into foster care wouldnt you? you have told your dp that you dont want his son living with you and would rather see him in foster care, i am sure after that, he is having his own doubts about your relationship and where its strengths lie, you cant balme him for being hurt and scared, put yourself in his shoe for one min, would you see your dd go into care in order to save your relationship? i think not.

Thank you. Will see if he'll talk later

But if he said to you its your dd or me - would you feel that you had an option?

I think you might have both backed each other into a corner and neither of you can get out.

Have a conversation - start with saying that you want to start with a clean slate - you don't want to take anything that has happened in the past into account. Work out together whether there is a way in which you can make this work out for all of you. It is going to be a commitment for both of you.

If you love him, he is worth doing a bit of work for. Similarly, if he loves you, he will need to be prepared to do his share.

For both of you, living together as a family would, I would imagine, be easier than being a single parent and having sole responsibility, even if, combined, you have more children to look after.

In the meantime, find out what support there might be IF you decide to give things a trial run.

Don't be put off by some negative responses. Its a huge task that you are concerned about, and you would be taking on a big responsibility. But it might work out - which would be great for all of you.

Rather than list the things that will mean that it won't work, work out what needs to happen or change in order for things to work - if necessary write down a list. You will also need to get dp to do this - then you have to have a 'master' list of what you agree to enable this to happen. You might want to get dss involved in something like this - he should understand it at 6 - ie 'We would love you to come and live with us, but doing x is not something that we want you to do here. What can WE do so that this doesn't happen.

Be positive

I am not asking him to put his child in care. I DO NOT expect him to have to choose. There is no choice. Its live with his mum or live with my DP, but perhaps not with me & my dc.
I know it would make dp happy if dss lived with us. I would love to make him happy, but don't know if having dss live here would have a detrimental affect on my dc. I am being selfish, thinking of them. DSS will not go into care. DP has family support too, if we split he could stay with one of his sisters with dss. I don't know what to think anymore.
I know I hate the boys mother for being such a shit, and putting me in this position.

HI

I agree with the more recent posts that have been more supportive.

It will be hard, can you see if you can get the support of social services as a family? I would insist that your dp has parenting classes along with you so you can set joint rules and boundaries for all the children.

I think that the fighting etc would settle down once dss lived with you full time. I find at the start of the school holidays my dc are awful then the pecking order gets sorted out and it's much more harmonious.

Your dss needs lots of support from specialist services as well as home.

Your dp and you need to have a serious talk about committment to each other and the family unit.

I hope it works out well.