Dp wants dss to live with us, and i don't !

[MrsParker]

I've been with dp for nearly 2 years. Have one ds together 7 months. I have a dd 4 who lives with us. And he has dss 6 who we have every friday night through to sunday. Weekends are very stressful, kids fight all the time, and i look forward to sunday when he goes home.

There have been some problems today with dp's ex and dss. She doesn't want him living there, either he goes into foster care or comes to live with us. He has previously been sent to live with an auntie for 6months coz she couldn't cope.
Dss wants to live with us, does not want to go home.

Seems she doesn't bother with dss, never helps with homework, doesn't cook for him, swears at him. Apparently fridge is full of alcohol, not food.

Problem is, i don't think i could cope with dss full time. I would be main care giver as partner works. The kids argue and fight constantly. Me & dp often take sides. My child against his child. Then we have the one in the middle of it.

Anyway, dp obviously wants him here and i don't. Think this will signify the end of our relationship, as i understand he has to put his dss first.

Anyone got any advice Please.

No gagarin it is not just up to this little boy's father. The whole family will need to work together to make this little boy welcome and loved, and since the OP is the mother of the other two children in the family her behaviour will condition a lot of what goes on.

everyone's being harsh because it seems that here is yet another child who will suffer because nobody really wants him.

very sad.

I'm being harsh (actually I'm not sure I'm being that harsh) because I think as adults we have responsibility to children. If you shack up with a child's father and have another child with him then I do think you take on some responsibility to the offspring of your new partner. And if you didn't want that responsibility then you should have got out earlier. Also he's the half sibling of MarsParker's ds and I think just forgetting one child sends out a terrible message.

I do agree with custardo - dp needs to be fully involved, needs to wake up and see the shit his son is in tbh and put in a load of effort to make his life better. It's not the 6 year old's fault.

I've got 4 children and am on the verge of becoming foster parents too. he can come and live with us...he needs love, proper discipline and to know that he has a stable home. I doubt he would get any of that with you.

What would you think if it was the other way round?
Say your daughter starts getting into trouble at school? and then your partner says 'either she goes into care or I'm leaving'

Surely you could at least try and make it work?

He's just a child - there's so much opportunity here to give him love and show him how to behave appropriately, and give him a happy stable environment.

People here are showing you that there could be a very happy outcome for all of you. It must be very scarey to be in the postion you are in but please don't turn him away, embrace the good advice on here about getting appropriate support, ground rule setting (no need for open threats, I'm sure the poor little boy will know what the alternative is) and appropriate supervision for your DC and give everyone in the loving family environment they deserve.

Also, little girls often do look up to older brothers, but with supervised play for them and by allowing (and assisting) your DD to develop her character and develop skills of standing up for herself. Your DSS can also be encouraged to 'look after' your DD as much as to boss her around maybe?

Real mixture of replies. I'm still very confused. I know he's had a very hard start in life. But i don't know if i am equipped to sort out his problems.
Me & dp are having serious financial problems, and this comes out of the blue, so its quite a shock.
When we have dss at weekends, dp doesn't play a very acive role. I am left to deal with the children's arguing, fighting. Always hitting and saying the other started it. I find it very hard to cope.
I will be left to cope all week, whilst dp plays on computer. Goes to play football etc...
I don't want to break the family up, but i've been finding it such hard work just at weekends, let alone all week.
There is no question that he will go into foster care. Me & partner would split before that happened. I understand his son comes 1st. The decision is either he moves in with us, or dp & dss set up home together.

It is totally out of order of your DP to leave you on your own to cope with all three children while he goes off to football, plays on his computer etc.

Have you thought about having some couple therapy to discuss how you will organise integrating DSS into your family and how you two adults will share responsibilities?

We've been going to relate, but had to stop going last week as we can't afford it anymore

Your dp needs to wake up to be honest. If he sets up home by himself with his son then he'll need to get off the computer, stop playing football etc.

It sounds as if there are issues without your stepson. Does your dp understand how much help and support his son is going to need? God I feel like shaking the man. And his ex-wife.

Are there any outside agencies involved with your stepson. Social services? (They sound as if they should be). Can you access support through them - or get a referral to CAMHS so there's some professional support in place for you all.

You may not feel equipped to sort out his problems but unfortunately you have little choice. Splitting up, without even trying, would not be the best thing for anyone. I think if I were you I would have a 'meeting' with dp and spell out exactly what is expected of him wrt dealing with discipline, organising family and individual therapy, dealing with the SENCO and the school and interacting with the children generally. He can organise some weekend and after school activities for his ds so the rest of you can have a break. You may have to spell out to your dp that there won't be any computer or football until his ds is more manageable. He is only 6 so its not like he will be impossible to turn around and its totally normal for a 4yo to do what a 6yo tells them. How will your 4yo feel if she thinks that you split up because she fights with her brother?

Selfish cow, doesn't do it for me - not by a long shot.

I am totally aghast at your suggestion that your partner's son who is as much a child of the family as your DD is, should go into foster care rather than live with his family

Frankly, please, please split up with your DP and get out of this poor child's life for good!

I know social services have been involved previously, as i said he was sent to live with an aunte before i met dp.

I think they need to be involved. As it stands dss is staying at his nan's. ex's mum's. For the week, so as to be near his school, we live further away and couldn't get to kids to school in different areas for 9 anyway.

Think they are scared of involving social services in case they take him away. Apparently they wouldn't let partner have dss last time as he had no parent responsibilty as they weren't married. But he does now.

I repeat DSS WILL NOT GO INTO FOSTER CARE. Me and partner will split up first, or we need to find some way of making it work.

Anyone got any constructive comments because i feel bad enough already. The own boys mother can't cope with him, but you all expect me too!

mamamainstripes really says it well splitting up without even giving it a try shouldn't really be an option.
I had an ex boyfriend that had 2 children and a step son the DSS had a lot and I mean a lot of problems due to his horrid life with his mother and in the end the 3 children went to live with exbf parents and you would actually be amazed at how quickly with a bit of loving support, some structure in his life and less time with hiw mother that little boy turned around. It did take work and certainly didn't happen overnight but it never took years either to see a remarkable change.

I have 2 children and my boyfriend has a son who he has very single day after school until nearly bedtime as his mother works evenings and as far as I am concerned he comes as a package with his sone as much as I come with my 2 children. I would not have chosen to be with someone that would not take on my children too. I am guessing had your current dp not accepted you coming with your dd the realtionship would not have begun or lasted so how is this any different.
As far as I can see you went into a man that had children already and ok they didn't live with him a the time he still came with his own package just as you did.

And I don't think it is a case of his mother not coping and everyone expects you to. His mother appears not to really give a damn so it is entirely likely that this behaviour is a symptom of her neglect and that witha bit of stability and some love in the poor we souls life could really turn him around.

He sounds like an unhappy little boy. Personally I'd feel there was no choice and he would be coming to live with us. I'd also be ensuring help (psychologist?/decent school etc.) were in place.
I'd also read dp the riot act about how for the next 6 months or so he HAS to be around much more to smooth things over and watch them all like a hawk as well as spending quality time with them as a whole and individually.
That said I'd also try and make dss feel settled, help him choose things for where he's sleeping etc, teach him the house rules etc...
He needs to feel totally secure that he's with you to stay for his behaviour to improve.

does your dp contribute financially to ds at the moment mrs parker? would it lighten your financial burden to have dss living with you, perhaps you might get more tax credit? that could help a lot, if you were under less stress generally.

it sounds as though social services is the place to start. i do agree you can't just take him on with no plans or support but it may be easier than you fear.

also i think you may be far better equipped to cope with him than his mother. you are at least putting thought into it rather than filling fridge with booze and saying you won't do it.

I dont think it is a matter of she cant cope with him sounds more like shes just not coping full stop.

Again I will say he is 6 not a monster but in 10 years time he may become a monster if his family (that includes his father, you, his step sibling and half sibling)dont step up and at least try to give him a loving, stable and secure home.

just so so so for him and for you all that it has had to come to this for your family

This makes me . it sounds like this little boy needs you, yes he has a few issues but surely you can help him with those once he is away from his mother, most of his problems are caused by his mother. Surely once he settles in with you and learns the rules of your house his behaviour will improve.

If given the choice of my step children (i have 3) going in to care of living with us i know there would be no way i would let them go into care, they are dh's children and his responsibility. Just imagine how guilty your dh would feel if his son had to go into care.

I know it is hard, i find weekends hard when my step children are here (i look forward to them going home), but if they lived here it would be alot different, they would be in my care and live by our family rules.

I hope you manage to sort something out.

I too understand why you do not want DSS to live with you. I understand you feel it will disrupt your happy family life. I too have a DSS and I wouldn't be happy if I thought he was coming to live with us..... however, I would not send him into care when he has us as his family. I would set out ground rules for your DSS and give him the love and care he deserves to help turnaround any problems/issues he may have. I'm sure that after a few months, life will return to normal and things would calm down. I'm afraid you have no option here. If the boot was on the other foot and it was your DD who was to come to live with you, i'm sure you'd be very upset to think your DP didn't want her to.

My dp accepted i had dd when we got together, her father doesn't bother with her. When we started the relationship it was never mentioned that i would become dss full time carer, and that he would live with us. The relationship wouldn't of continued if he hadn't accepted dd. And if he had a son living with him full time when we got together, i may not hve continued with it either.

I think you have had some constructive comments (and some not so...)

I'm a step mum and I love my dsd and she has no behavioural problems, but I would still be a little apprehensive about taking her on full time (but would obviously do so if necessary).

I have no experience of 6 year old boys but it does sound as though he has some issues. It would frankly be a miracle if he didn't given the circumstances.

As others have said, give it a go but make sure:-

1. You get referral for therapy for dss

2. Your dp has much more involvement

3. You speak to your dd and supervise them at all times

If after all that, it doesn't work out and you are still concerned for your dd's safety, then by all means, make a decision to split but please give your dss a decent chance at being part of a real family first . Would you not always be asking, "what if", if you split now ??

It sounds as if you and your DP aren't finding life easy together already.

If your couple were "working" I don't think you would be so apprehensive about having DSS to live with you. But if your family isn't functioning well already, I can see that adding DSS is going to add a lot of extra strain.

I think you should talk to the social services about your whole family and try to get referred for family counselling on the NHS.