Partner says I’m favouring my own children over his because I’ve spent more on their Christmas presents

[LadyShade]

Been with DP just over 3 years and living together about 14 months. Between us we have 4 DC, mine are 13 and 8 and his are 15 and 10. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the holidays.

Weve always mainly sorted presents for our own children ourselves. I usually spend around £250 each on mine for Christmas, thats including their stockings and bits, and DP spends about £100-125 on each of his. I earn a bit less than him on paper some months but I do more hours than I used to and have been putting money away since the summer. Im not saying everyone should spend that much btw, its just what I budget for and I dont go into debt over it.

This is the first year all 4 will be here Christmas morning and his girls are staying Christmas Eve too. Ive bought them both a little Christmas eve box because I do them for my two and didnt want them to be the only ones without one. I havent bought their main presents because DP usually does that and we hadnt discussed doing it differently this year.

He saw some of the stuff Ive bought for mine at the weekend and asked what I was getting the girls. I said I wasnt, not their main presents anyway, and he got a bit funny about it. He says its going to look awful if mine have loads to open and his have hardly anything and that I should spend less on mine so we can make it fair between all 4. I said he can spend what he can afford on his girls but I dont see why mine should get less when Ive saved for it all year.

I do get that it could look a bit rubbish on Christmas morning if theres a massive difference, and I dont want them to feel like theyre less important. But they also get presents at their mums and from her family, same as mine get things from their dad. DP says thats not the point and that we are meant to be one family now. I said we are one family but that doesnt mean I suddenly have to pay for all their presents as well.

I did say maybe if he started putting money aside earlier he wouldnt be in this position, which I admit was a bit harsh as I know money is tighter for him with maintenance and his car. He said Ive made him feel like a crap dad and that I clearly dont see his girls as my family.

I dont know if Im being unreasonable here. I dont want the girls to feel left out but I also dont think its fair to cut back on my own kids presents to make up the difference. What would you do?

You’ve posted this before

I only hope that the children bring their unopened presents from mum with them. And Dad adds to them. Assuming mum hasn’t spent £400 on each of them.
But if the couple were able to anticipate this sort of thing they would have checked ahead. But no.

They can have the extras when back from their dad's.

I love Xmas OP and myself and my ex save 100 per month between us towards presents food and drink. I start looking for bargains from April onwards.
Xmas doesn't sneak up on us. He has all year to ensure his kids Xmas doesn't "look rubbish"
That is absolutely his responsibility for HIS kids. You've included them by doing the Xmas Eve box

If you were married I’d say you were being unreasonable but in a semi-blended unmarried family with separate finances I honestly don’t really know. Whatever will not upset the children. Do yours get presents from their dad? xx

Maybe he fundamentally thinks that what he’s spending is the appropriate amount rather than not having pulled his finger out.

He’s paying for her children though day to day. Maybe he should stop putting money into the bills fund so he can put more towards the Xmas presents

Honestly if this was me, it would have been 50/50 on all household costs to begin with. And certainly after this.

If he thought you'd also be buying for his kids, presumably he'd set money aside to buy for your kids. Now he can use that money to top up his own children's presents, surely?

So I have a blended family situation , I have a 15 and 13 year old and he has an 11 and 12 year old . Where possible we go out of our way to treat them equally . Presents come from us as a couple ( but we each buy from our personal funds ) and we spend about the same ISH as each other . I can't imagine how awful it would feel to his kids if my two were there opening twice as much. Why didn't you talk about this kind of thing before you moved in together ? This is the stuff that absolutely builds resentment . You are not "wrong " he is not " right" you just need to set our so much with a blended family and your communication needs to be on point as a couple. I do hope you come to a resolution but I can totally understand his point .

Please please please stand firm on this! He is trying to push boundaries and it’s a shame his using his children. Please carry on as you are, also do not let him undermine you in how you treat your children. You have budgeted and have an understanding of finances. If his feel bad because he can’t provide what you can do be it.

This. Works both ways.

Why are you expected to buy Christmas presents for HIS children? What's stopping him from saying 'I'd like to get them X but I can't afford it, would you consider contributing?'
I don't think this should be confused with how much you each pay for your home, that should be a separate conversation.
This reminds me of the other thread with the woman expected to cook 3 dinners because her step-kids are fussy eaters and her partner seems to have made her his unpaid housekeeper since he moved in.

Food, heating etc throughout the year

I’d spend on mine what I wanted sod him and what he wants £125? What gets that!

My parents spent roughly the same amount on each of us but also made sure we all had the same number of presents to open, even if it was just socks, so someone could get a bicycle and then four presents that were socks wrapped in individual pairs. If he wants to match the number, he can always just pick up little trinkets to wrap. It’s unlikely that his children will be sitting with a calculator tracking the funds spent on Christmas.

Hmmm sorry OP I actually kinda agree with your DP. Kids care so much about fairness, the ones with fewer presents could be really upset or feel less loved or favoured if they get fewer presents. It risks causing jealousy and resentment between the kids.

Agreed DP should ideally match your spending though, especially since he earns more than you. But if he won't, it doesn't seem to me worth the potential upset to the kids who will feel less liked/loved vs the positive pay-off of you getting to give your kids all the gifts you'd like to give them and have been excited about giving them (even though I know that would be really disappointing for you, understandably), but I'd lean towards the action that promotes all the step kids getting on as harmoniously as possible.

Perhaps I'm biased though, since we always had a lot of sibling jealousy that caused us unnecessary stress and upset, so I'd want to do as much as possible to prevent that for my kids.

OP why did you post this again? You didn’t like the answers the first time?

Oh really ?

Presents should be about what gives somebody pleasure and enjoyment NOT money.

I'm glad someone else has got the actual grasp of the situation.

It is NOT a case of hardworking OP thought to put money away for her children.

It's OP let's him subsidise her kids year round expenses, and pockets the difference! Then says "I saved it so it's for my kids"

This is the key question

I havent posted it again? Unless someone else has posted something very similar, this is my only thread. Not sure what you mean sorry.

Everyday essentials throughout the year as he puts more more into the kitty throughout the year although his children don’t live there as much as OP’s children do

There is another post about dinners which is very, very similar. I also thought they were the same thread at first!