Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

Yeah, I had a stepson like this. Insanely fussy. We didn't cook separate meals for him and now at the age of 19 he will eat anything.

I would say he can be in charge of all meals on the days his children are with you

Yeah he can cook those 4 nights, easy!

bit maybe he wants you to be a as better servant to him…. 🤔

How is it passive aggressive to make a meal that op states they have eaten before?

It’s op’s daughter I feel most sorry for - having to live with a man her mum barely knows.

This 100%

I would definitely make him responsible for cooking on the days you have his children. We don't run a cafe in this house, whoever is cooking cooks one meal. Cereal and toast are always available, or they can put something in the airfryer if they don't like whats on offer.

Do any of the kids prepare any of their own food? Egg/beans/cheese on toast, sandwiches, noodles etc? Good place to start.

This. Sounds like he’s too lazy to cook for his children. That’s your job. What message is this giving your DD?

I am not sure you know what passive aggressive means.

If his DD is 14 she can cook for herself if she doesn't want to eat what you provide . Up to her and her dad to sort out the alternative

Could it be that they are essentially rejecting your cooking because they want their DAD to look after them, to cook something? It may actually be nothing to do with WHAT you are cooking and more to do with the fact that they just want their dad and his attention. This may not be about the food at all - and about the fact this has all happened too soon for them. They may be communicating that the blended family set up is simply not what they want.

I’m not sure how to say it without sounding judgmental, but the needs of the children - including yours - need to be the focus. I’d suggest he move back out and you revert to just seeing each other, but living separately, so that he his children have his undivided attention during his contact time and your DD has her home and your attention back. You can reconsider shared living when your children are grown?

How about you cook Mon-Fri and he cooks at weekends?

If you were working on Sat and he wasn't it should have been him making dinner anyway.

No, I think you meant "Why on earth can't their Dad sort out their fussy meals?"

Did you read the same OP the rest of us did?

She made a meal that the SC have eaten before, they rejected it. She did not try to piss of anyone. And at no point is she blaming a child.

I thought he was unreasonable until you said it’s only 4 nights a month. Surely you can just an something everyone likes for those 4 nights, even if it is beans on toast!

You did nothing wrong.

Going forward I think your husband should cook the four meals a month that they like.

I think you are absolutely right but in the wrong way. If it's always something you have done without complaint all this year, to refuse to do it anymore without discussion, then it making everything tense between you all is not very nice for the kids, it shouldn't have come to that.

You should really sit down with your DP and then his kids (if necessary) to discuss food going forward, IMO he should be feeding them if they don't want to eat a perfectly acceptable meal that you have gone to the effort to cook.

Or you discuss what you are having before you make it, so you can alter /adjust what you are already doing, it's only 4 days a month, so IMO it shouldn't be a big deal for either of you to cook things they like on those days, or have a backup plan that he is in charge of.

Surely HE can make something his kids like 4 nights per month is what you meant.

You would eat beans on toast for dinner on a Saturday night just to appease two children who won't eat perfectly normal food? It's fine if they want to eat it, but why should OP and her DD do that?

I was about to say Yanbu until I got to the 4 nights a month.
For such a short number of nights you should probably be the ones adapting.

There is no point trying to educate their palates; leave that to their mum. Make their short time with their dad as pleasing as possible for them. Do it for dh, not them - unless this is a pattern of inadequate dh which I think you’ve said isn’t the case.

Do some meals with separate components in different bowls where you all just add the bits you like eg pasta, chicken, sauce, cheese, sweetcorn etc.
or
make your own pizza/ jacket potatoes with different toppings.

In all honesty, is there a good reason that the dad can't do this 4 nights a month?

"I dont dislike them, we get on alright"

You shouldn't be in these children's lives. How awful for them to have to live with this.

Have you really just written advice that essentially says - the father should leave all parenting to the mother, and then to the stepmother?!? Here’s an idea - the dad does alll that?

I mean she did... she made something they'd been perfectly happy to eat previously.
The poor woman then didn't even get to eat her own dinner that she'd made, in peace, as her lazy, entitled boyfriend expected her to be the one to jump up and make an alternative.