Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

OP

If you are happy to cook then yes just cook one meal. As for dad cooking, the children, all three, are old enough to cook.

You cooked something that you thought they would eat, and if the only other option was to cook their own food they might have given yours a try.

I don't mean have the kids making a 3 course dinner but have things in like beans (you obviously had those already) some nuggets or fish fingers or whatever they do eat. If they don't like what you have cooked they can make their own, and do the clear up afterwards.

I hope your partner has moved into your house - so you can move his lazy, entitled arse right back out again.

He wants a domestic servant and free sex. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model to your dd?

Yanbu to not want to cook separate meals any more. It shouldn’t have been a thing in the first place. Did you tell your h you’re stopping separate meals or did you decide to stop? Yanbu to not want to bother any more but your h might have preferred you to tell him that you’re stopping. FWIW roast chicken is plain chicken until you put gravy on so I’d assume that it was ok too.

As the stepkids are only there 4 days a month, time for your h to cook on those days imo.

He can cook, he just doesn’t really bother doing proper meals if its just him

OP, the point is that it's not just him and yet he is still not cooking. This is the moment where you step back, do not cook when his kids are there, and allow natural consequences to accrue to your husband. Then watch as he is ecstatically grateful to you when you do cook a single meal of your own choosing with no substitutions or alternatives (he makes those if he wants them offered).

Who does the rest of the cleaning, household chores etc? I’m willing to bet it’s you.
This is not a step children issue - it’s a lazy misogynistic man issue.

It must be hard for the OP to see all these messages pointing out that her newish partner is most of the problem.
It is very strange the different expectations there are of teenagers like the daughter of the man here. I remember reading about the early life of St Guthlac when I did Ango Saxon history at University, he was leading his own highly successful independent war band at the age the visiting daughter is, the one who can't eat gravy and cant make beans on toast.

He only has them for 4 nights a month. Why doesn’t he want to do more his children.

It would really put me off him. Especially the fact that he clearly doesn’t want to see his children. I’d be dumping him.

This is the answer.

Nothing sexier than a man throwing a strop because he has to feed his own kids

She did and she did. They then decided they didn't want the food they'd eaten previously, and lazy-arse then got the hump with HER for not snapping to and making them a whole other meal rather than eating the dinner she'd cooked before it got cold.

YABU - purely because the kids are basically suffering because of an argument you and your DP are having. It would have been better to say to him, I’m not cooking something separate. Would you like to cook something which will be ready at the same time or just get the kids to eat what they can from the roast. It was passive aggressive to deal with this rumbling frustration without actually having the conversation.

My own second son is fussy, but because me and my eldest don't want to eat only the things he'll eat, there are multiple occasions when he'll make himself noodles/chicken/whatever. I don't see the problem.

Your DP should cook on the days his children are there if he doesn't like what you're cooking. That's the rule - if someone else cooks, you don't get to complain.

I have one fussy eater (some food allergies) and I make one main meal then after that she has to make her own.
It's blinking rude and your partner is using you.
I'd expect him to make the Sunday dinner if I'd been working that morning. It's not rocket science. Shove a bag chicken in and steam two bags of mixed veg (sainsburys). Wagu potatoes or similar. They sell them at Aldi and Waitrose.

My husband cannot cook but he can use an air fryer or microwave. He had to for two years as I was seriously ill. I couldn't even stand to make a cup of tea. If he won't even look after his own children he's not your 'partner' at all. Love and respect should be mutual. Life is hard, would he wash and dress you if you were ill? If you don't think he would he's not for you.

Can he just do all the cooking when his kids are there. Seems fairer to me. Particularly if you do it the other 25 odd days a month.

Another nanny with a fanny (and perhaps a free house for the 'partner ').

Maybe just have beans on toast or the pasta they like the nights they are there?

They aren't there often so I can't see why that would be such a big deal.

No, it isn't extending their palate but so what. It sounds easy to prepare, it gets them fed and makes them feel welcomed.

If you normally cook, I think it's a bad dynamic to start saying you won't cook when his kids are there.

The whole "you get what I serve" attitude that some posters are suggesting works less well when dc are sometimes guests and don't live there. It's not a great approach in a blended family if your own dc likes what you have chosen and I think it would be a bit disingenuous to pretend there isn't an extra layer of implication they could glean from that.

Hell no.

My step kids are ridiculously fussy which is completely the fault of both of their parents. They won’t eat many foods other than pizza and chicken nuggets and even those sometimes get rejected if the coating is breadcrumbs instead of batter, for example.

I made it clear to DP when I moved in that on my nights to cook I would be making one meal for everyone and if they didn’t like it they could either modify it slightly (e.g. pasta with no sauce), go hungry or he could deal with it.

Both parents pander to their picky eating by ordering them McDonald’s if they don’t like what’s on offer. They both look very sickly and pale, it’s really devastating to be honest.

You are not in the wrong here.

All this could be avoided by having a conversation rather than taking it out on a 12 year old
there not massive culinary Demands
as for yesterday I would of just done a bowl of plain pasta and let the kids dish there own meal up

you knew this would happen when you did it piss poor to let kids go hungry to prove a point

Well said. Why is he leaving it down to you FFS.

Seems like you have moved a bit too quickly here. Been together two years, and have lived together for 10 months? He wanted someone to do everything for his kids, because he can't be arsed, and you've fallen for it.

You both work so it is not down to you to do all the domestic stuff. When his DC are there, he can meal plan in advance, go to the shop, do the prep and make it on the night.

I don't know why he isn't TBH. Oh, well I do know, it's because you are a woman and your job is to wait on his kids.

Why was you making Sunday lunch if you’d been working anyway? It appears you’ve been with him 2 years and you’ve already taken on traditional gender roles. Just make sure he cooks the meals when his children are there and there’ll be no issue.

Is there a medical/ ND reason why their diet is so unhealthy and limited? Their dad needs to address that.

Its his children so he needs to cook for them, instead of making you cook two separate dinners. He should be grateful you done it for as long as you did.

That's true too. Especially since both have children from before and they are at the ages they are. Teens/tweens are probably the worst age to try and blend families.