Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

I was also thinking it won't be long before bad habits are rubbing off onto her

Also what she’s learning about relationships

It’s not that he isn’t allowed to have them more, thats just what they agreed and the kids seem happy enough with it
God, how feeble he sounds, in every respect.

Exactly! I don’t see the point of this relationship, 2 years in and hard work! Should be in honeymoon period still. Wait till 5 years plus then it gets even harder.

You’d have an easier life just you and dd.

Same old same old, blended family = the man appoints the woman as slave to himself and his own offspring.

You could just ask that he makes dinner every other weekend (when his kids are there) and you make it on the weekends they aren’t there? Hopefully he can cater for everyone.

Definitely don’t be making comments to the children though - that’s not nice.

Are you saying that the 14-year old couldn’t make beans on toast for themselves? That is quite worrying.

Yep. Imagine having that little love for your kids. Bleugh.

"His DS has eaten roast chicken before, thats part of why I was a bit annoyed yesterday as it wasn’t anything different to what I’ve done before. He just said he didn’t want it without even trying it and then his DD said she didn’t want it either. I wouldn’t have minded so much if they’d tried it and genuinely didn’t like it."

(emphasis mine.)

RTFT?

Clearly many of the people on this thread, the ones blaming OP for "suddenly refusing to cater to the demands of her partner's children" or other wtte, either did not read or did not understand that post of OP's; I strongly suggest that OP should ignore anything they have to say in dispraise of her for doing something that she did not do, or for not doing something that she did do.

Even if OP had cooked something they previously liked they'd have rejected it. It's their way of getting to her, and it worked.

If you are working, then your partner should be making dinner for everyone, not you!

Yes, absolutely this.

If his children were there presumably he was there as well, and should have got on with cooking for all five of them rather than waiting for his new housekeeper to do it.

…his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain… At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

Doesn’t sound like it was the same as before at all, they might have had chicken previously but with their preferences taken into account and not leave what you don’t like…

What part of the roast chicken dinner she made doesn't cover that though? They simply chose not to have it.

The OP cruelly decided not to make a martyr of herself this week by cooking another meal in addition to what her "partner", she and her daughter liked, a meal which included but was not confined to what her "partner's" children had previously condescended to eat.

Only the younger one decided that he now did not like what he'd previously eaten. What was offered to him was the same as what he'd had before: presumably she didn't waste perfectly good food by piling onto his plate those parts of the meal she knew he was going to refuse. And then his older sister decided to copy him.

It's a home not a restaurant

What are you on about? They could have had plain roast chicken (and potatoes if they wanted them). They were under no obligation to eat the other bits like the vegetables. The OP made a meal everyone could have part or all of. Or is everyone supposed to eat nothing but plain roast chicken because of one fussy child?

She just said they both eat chicken and didn’t even try anything on their plate, they just didn’t want it. Why should she have to make something different when they have food they have said they like in front of them?

14 and 9 can make their own beans on toast.

When his kids are there, he cooks for everyone. And gets them to join in.

You're spot on!
If they don't like it, they shouldn't have to eat it, but you're not the only adult in the house and it shouldn't always be up to you to sort it out for them.
Besides, it isn't you they come to visit. If any one needs to make extra effort to ensure they feel welcome, it's him!

I do think it's a big deal to make pasta alongside a roast dinner, there's not enough hobs to have everything ready at the same time, and adding in pasta to cook and time adds extra stress.
I don't get why the kids can't eat plain chicken, with or without gravy. How do they cope with school dinners?

I agree with you, you shouldn't be making different meals. And why is it always you doing the cooking? Pandering to fussiness doesn't teach healthy eating. They could have eaten something of what you'd cooked as you said.

Are you sure this is the right relationship for you?

Can 14 year old dsd not make her own beans on toast??