Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

When the step kids are visiting why not cook meals you know they will like? It would give them something to look forward to and be a lovely gesture. The dad is out of line calling out OP, though. Is he a hand amputee?

This man doesn’t respect you, OP. He is raising his kids to think that they don’t have to respect you either. Worst of all, he (and you) are showing your daughter that women need to accept disrespect in their relationships - that their job is to skivvy after a man.

It’s good that you did not make another dinner for them. I think it’s time to take a good hard look at how this man treats you and whether this is really the home life you want for yourself and for your daughter. I doubt this is the only way in which he takes advantage of you.

Agree! I have fussy eaters and never expect anyone to cook separate meals for them. Either I cook for everyone or I bring extra food for them. If his kids are the fussy ones he should be doing the cooking.

I think you were a bit passive aggressive t9 just do this without any discussion.
Four days a month is not a lot. Tell him it's to much for you to work and cook every meal, so he can start by cooking meals when the kids come over.
I agree with some other posters that for four days a month you could make a meal you all like e.g. chicken and a jug of sauce for those who want it. In fact having food in bowls where everyone helps themselves from would solve a lot of issues.

If they won’t eat what you are cooking then of course it is up to their dad to feed them. He has them so rarely it is outrageous that he won’t do this as a matter of course, yet another man who expects another woman to sort out his kids because he can’t be arsed.

Four nights a month?! Seems he’s already set the bar low for being a parent…..

Bit she cooked something they can eat. They simply did not want it.

Your partner frankly is a disgrace, 4 nights a month and he can't sort his children's meals out? He then tries to make it your fault for not cooking them what they like??? Waste of space.

How does your DD feel about living full time with this man who doesn’t seem to show much respect or appreciation for her mother?

Does he enhance her life in any way? Does she like having him in her home?

Exactly. I remember my mum being in hospital after an operation and making dinner for us all. I would have been about 12 or 13!

I mean I made us all dinners for about a week!

Well then the whinging lazy bastard can do all the cooking when his DC are round can’t he?

Or just throw this one back.

He cooks for everyone the days that the children come . Problem solved

Why the fuck are you cooking for HIS children all the time anyway?? HE can get off his arse and feed and parent his own fucking children!!

Move out before it gets worse

they sound fussy, he sounds stressy - I would say he needs to batch cook them food they like which they can be taught to heat up if they want something else.

Dont be taken in by this. I’ve had exactly the same tho g except his three kids lived with us. I began cooking for them from the get go and o had no children then. It because expected, as though they were mine. I had to do all the shopping. He would get moody if the kids didn’t like their food. You get sucked in to it all and before you k own it, you’re the housekeeper who gets taken for a damn fool. Used and abused. Then they go off with someone else who won’t cook incase she chips a nail. And he bends over backwards for her.

Im with you OP. My own children are fussy but I refuse to cook multiple meals. I do serve family style ( on big plates rather than individual portions) so they can help themselves to bits they like and I will leave a portion of plain pasta / rice rather than putting sauce on everything if I think they won’t be keen.

I do think it’s important they feel welcome but at the same time you are not running a cafe and being able to sit socially and eat food as presented will make their lives easier in the long run.

Perhsps he should cook on days they are here. With them preferably. Dc always keener to eat food they have made.

Totally disagree. What would he do if he weren’t jn a relationship? He would either have to cook for them, or if he’s so concerned about missing out on his time with his kids, use one of the other 24 days of the month to meal prep ahead of time. It’s not difficult!

Honestly - I think Yabu. How hard is it to remember the kids prefer plain food or certain types of food and cater for that?

My DD’s favourite meal in the world is roast dinner but ds doesn’t like gravy or potatoes or cabbage or roast chicken. So for him - he gets a corn on the cob, a pitta bread or wrap, the roast veg, and Nando’s peri sauce and has a wrap while we eat the roast. It only takes a small adjustment and a little extra thought to include everyone.

He's being ridiculous. They're his kids; if they're fussy about what they eat and won't just have some of what you're making for everyone (skipping the bits they don't like and making up for the difference with toast, a cheese sandwich, or something similar), of course he should be involved in feeding them. If he's too lazy to get involved, I'd find a few of the easiest meals possible that will cover both their palates/restrictions and make those in rotation when they're over. What I definitely would not be doing is making three separate types of food. It sounds like you've spoiled him and he needs waking up to reality.

Exactly this.

I assume though that was in the house you lived in. It's quite a different matter to expect teens to be comfortable getting their own food together in a house they only visit for 4 nights a month. I did a lot of cooking at my mum's at that age - at least 2 meals a week, but hardly felt comfortable getting a drink at my dad's (in my step mum's space).

Is there some reason you think the dad should not be doing any of the adjusting or the little extra effort that’s so easy or any of the cooking or even just any of the cooking on the 4 nights each month his dc are there? If you think the op is being unreasonable, then you think none of that is his problem. I think all of that is his problem and he’s been a lazy user to the op leaving her all the cooking, expecting her to cook twice when his dc aren’t happy and having the nerve to tell her she isn’t doing enough for them.

Exactly.
What awful modelling for her daughter.
Daughter seeing her mum used as a skivvy and an angry man when she doesn't do enough for his children he barely sees.
Lazy loser is what he is.