Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

Why the hell should she? They’re not her kids! You do realise he’s the parent, right?
Jeez, the bar is so low for some women. No wonder there are so many man babies around.

Came to say this. What because you've got a vagina its your job to cook all the meals! I'd tell him to fuck right off and take his ungrateful brats with him. I'm not even joking.

Exactly this. Are you a defacto Nanny with a Fanny?

I wouldn't have an issue making seperate meals or doing all the cooking if my partner was doing an equivalent share of other jobs. I'd try to cook something everyone would eat on the few days they are there. In this case you thought you'd cooked a meal they'd eat. your partner should not have been moody it's just one of those things.

They’re only there every other weekend so I think they should probably just have something they like.
However I would delegate the cooking to your DP those weekends and he can make whatever he wants.

Eh, why do you feel bad?! He should. He should be taking turns cooking for the whole family, never mind making beans on toast. Or you could both always cook together if people want different things Why is it solely your job??

Pop bread in toaster and beans in microwave after you've made a roast...I can see why this has annoyed him 🙄

I suspect that this isn't really about the food at all. The kids refusing to eat was about getting their Dads attention. The Dad getting angry wasn't about the food either. It was about him being a dick.

Two fussy young people, and clearly something changed in the approach by OP, which she herself referenced or else there wouldn’t have been said reaction. Not saying OP was right or wrong. +It’s ok to disagree on this or owt else but no need and waste of time/energy to be so triggered by a stranger’s family dinner imho.

The obvious solution is that he cooks when they're with you. I wouldn't look beyond that.

I'm sorry OP. I feel SOOOOO triggered by this man and his kids. He is so out of order. How about he tells his kids to eat whats in front of them or apologies for them being rude at your house when you kindly made dinner when you were tired after work. Absolutely unacceptable attitude. It's a small thing but it tells you A LOT about what your future looks like.
This is a straw in the wind. Shows you which way the wind is blowing.
I feel for you. Not accepted at all.

Ewww, he’s giving me the ick. Dump him OP, you can do better

They are his kids, I'm sure he can cook for you all the 4 nights they are with you all!

On top of this, he undermined her

@copperlane27 whats the living arrangements? Can you move him out of your home?

I'd tell him he'd taking the mick and so you don't 'exclude' his children any more...he'll be doing all the cooking on the days they visit.

Chicken was one of the foods they would eat so they are just being awkward and I say this as a parent of a child with severe ARFID.

How dare he scold you when you're the one cooking and putting in all the effort! I hope he's apologised!

You have a partner problem. If his kids are so fussy, he can cook for all of you when they come, after all it’s only 4 nights a month, he can make the effort.
Or tell the kids to come up with 4 proper meals they will both eat and you will cook that for everyone.
it always astounds me when people cook more than 1 meal per meal. My sister used to cook a meal for her dd, one for her ds and one for her and DH. I’ve only every cooked one meal for everyone, I adapt it to suit majority of tastes and I make sure that everyone every week gets a few meals they really like, the rest of the time, they suck it up and eat what’s in front of them. It’s a life skill to eat food your not keen on when it’s presented to you, I’ve had to do it many times as a child going to friends houses and actually on work functions too when it was set menus!

Kind of with you but it must be difficult. They've lost their Dad and only see him for family time 4 times per month. Your child is with you both most of the time? Maybe suggest you all make dinner together when theyre there. Surey they like chips? You could make some filling items then put it all in "the middle" and have wraps and chips. Then everyone can choose what they like to put in the wraps.

Surely there was something in that meal that both of them could eat? DS9 could have made his own toast to go with the chicken and DD14 didn’t need to have gravy. Cooking multiple meals to cater for everyone is one example of why resilience is declining in the younger generation. If multiple meals must be cooked, your DH can do it, they are his kids so he knows what they like.

"I can cook one meal for us all, or you can cook and decide how many meals you want to make"

@Waterbaby41 so OP works as well! Her DP is expecting her to feed his kids and not do a damn bit of work to feed them himself (he has them 4 days a month and already leaving their care up to his partner), defaulting to the woman who cooks and sulks when he has to look after his own children, you are being very unkind and I do not think you have read the Op's statements correctly, are you the partner!

I dont think the issue is that the kids are 'fussy' - that they dont want the food you have made or only want specific foods could be for a variety of very reasonable reasons - preferences, sensory factors, undiagnosed autism - the list goes on.
Ive previously known other folks kids to be 'fussy' about foods in order to cause issues in a relationship so its not unheard of. That said, if the relationship was on firmer footing then not eating the available made food wouldnt be an issue regardless. So lets park that.

The core issue is that you are expected to do all the cooking whilst you are already working, and he is not pulling his weight and seemingly is happy with gendered roles where you do the 'womans work' of cooking, yet whilst also working in a job. He needs to contribute more or you are not going to last as a couple. Given that his kids visit only 4 days pm a special thing could be made of food during their visit - but the Dad should be leading on this as they are his kids and this is his contact time with them. Id speak to him about this and put the responsibility back onto him. Explain you are working, you are tired, this is his limited contact time with his kids and he should be making it special. He knows presumably what they like and he should be doing so much more and taking responsibility here. The issue is that he is putting onto you, what is his responsibility and should be his treat for his kids. That needs rebalancing. So time to have a reset. If he wont accept that then there are more issues to address within the relationship for it to work long-term.

He can teach them to make their own beans in toast for the 4 nights a month he has them....they are 9 and 14 surely he can teach them that much?

Yes he makes the time special for his kids when they are there. Perfect 😃 dinner is served when he gets home from work and cooks something lush for you all. Wonderful 😊 😊 😊 😊

🤣🤣🤣

What @copperlane27 did, saying eat what you can, leave what you don’t WAS the correct way to handle this situation.

the kids can’t just eat beige crap, that’s not fair on them, no on OP kids. They’ve eaten chicken before, and she’s working FT. Pandering to them cause more problems than it solves

the H needs to stop being lazy, stop taking the easy way out and actually do a decent job of parenting his kids

he needed to back @copperlane27 up and say that’s what’s on the table tonight.

Similar to my situation except we have been together a long time and he has just one child. I have one previous and we have two together. I am neurodivergent so completely get eating issues, sensory issues etc. I usually do my best to accommodate but in all honesty I get him to cook when his daughter is here because he should be the one taking full responsibility for her.
When I used to cook the food would end up in the bin and I hate waste. So we mutually agreed ages ago that he will sort her meals. It isn't a big deal as we discussed it without her being there and it works. To add I cook 6 days a week and we never even get take away so I need that one day off anyway.