Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

But it's always her turn - he kicked off about making beans on toast

But isn’t that what a roast is?

I have 5 in total including stepkids, one extremely fussy who cooks for herself and the others always have the same meal as us, maybe different combinations and I might keep back plain pasta etc but it’s always the same elements.

This is the bit where your DP should have stepped in and told his DC that is what is for dinner and there is no menu.

they are playing you…

I take it that on your disagreement you pointed out they had had it before and eaten it, didn’t even try it before deciding they didn’t want it and therefore you were trying to be difficult, but, after a day at work yourself you weren’t going to let your dinner go cold or ruin to make them something else when the plate contained things they would eat, they just chose not to.

i am with other posters, meal plan for the weekends they are there (to make sure you don’t end up eating nuggets) and he cooks!

He barely sees his DC as it is and still can't be arsed cooking for them? Wow.

What a lazy twat.

I know at least one mother who asked her children what they ate when they were with their father. Shortly afterwards they decided they did not like things they’d been perfectly happy with before. Is there any possibility that they are under instructions to be difficult?

One meal for everyone or it gets out of hand. If they don't want it then frozen pizza put in the oven and that's it.

DelphiniumBlue
How do they cope with school dinners?

Now isn't that an excellent question!

Why can't a 9 year old and a 14 year old make themselves plain pasta or beans on toast? If the 14YO in particular wants to be this picky then they can surely cook for themselves?

As per pp is this really how you and your dd want to spend the last precious few years of her childhood?

You’re being a bit of a doormat here. It’s four meals a month. He cooks. You can cook the other 27 if you must

Given they only come over four days a month it would be pretty mean of their father not to cook a meal everyone can eat

His kids. He can cater for them.
And frankly I'd be making it crystal clear that they eat some version of the meal I'd made or I'd be showing them how to make their own something on toast, JP etc
They are not your kids. He can fight on

In the old days, the family had one meal and no one queried it. When you start giving choices you're giving them a licence to manipulate you. Fussy eating is a state of mind that's been cultivated in modern times. Frankly anyone that caves into that is making a rod for their own back.

Tell him he either cooks when they’re over or he buys you all a take away.

sorted

I think he could make the effort by cooking for his own kids! The cheek of it.

If cooking has - quite astonishingly, and just by chance rather than because men, and society more broadly, condition women to service men - your responsibility, I'd remind him how fucking lucky he is that you're socialised to do all the shitwork and don't require him to be a full adult on a daily basis.

But will his faddy kids eat takeaway? Sounds as if it is quite likely that they won't.

Sounds 100% likely that they won't if the suggestion is known by them to have come from OP.

Precisely !
JFC what a cheek he has @copperlane27
Tell him to get fucked and dump him

He’s a no.

Also you don’t cook most of the time because you’re better at organising it. Fuck me. The shit women tell themselves.

I think I'd have to imagine if he was like that with your child. I think you could have prepared them that this time you wouldn't be making anything separate and planned ahead. It did seen a little harsh like you were rebelling against their awkwardness and trying to make a point.

He sounds like a massive lazy cocklodger. I'd never stand for this shite.

“I think he sees it as me being funny about cooking for his kids when to me it’s more that he’s decided because I cook anyway I should automatically be responsible for sorting out whatever they eat. I don’t mind making something they like but I don’t want to be stood doing 3 separate dinners while he sits there.”

Tell him this. Explain this as clearly and simply as you can.

“Since we’ve been together I’ve ended up doing the cooking because I’m home more some days and I actually enjoy it when I’m not rushed”

You’ve become the default parent/adult in the household. After 2 years it may be too late to change this, but trying is your only real option, because otherwise you’ll end up doing more and more.

The last thing; a separated dad that only sees his children every other weekend, and ‘now and then in the week’ is a massive red flag.
This video explains why perfectly.

https://www.tiktok.com/@rhysvslife/video/7653490129830513942

Don't be so dramatic!

He only has his kids 48 days a year, he isn't even doing the bare minimum of parenting, so of course he thinks someone else should be responsible for feeding them.
My brother is exactly the same with his kids. He isn't used to being a dad as he doesn't ever parent his children by himself, so he offloads everything to the nearest woman. Stop doing his parenting for him.