Partner says I’m excluding his children because I’ve stopped making them a separate dinner

[copperlane27]

Me and my partner have been together 2 years and living together since January. I have a DD12 and he has a DD14 and DS9 who come every other weekend. We don’t have any children together.

The problem is food basically. His two are quite fussy which I do understand, his DD won’t eat gravy or most veg and his DS will only eat chicken if its plain, pasta with nothing on it etc. At first I just used to make them something else as I didn’t want them sitting there with nothing they liked. It wasnt a big deal when it was occasional but now its every time they come.

So yesterday I did a roast, nothing fancy just chicken, potatoes, carrots and broccoli. I’d been at work in the morning and honestly couldn’t be bothered with anything complicated. They both said they didn’t want it and asked what else there was. I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

My partner was really annoyed with me afterwards. Said I was making them feel unwelcome and that I always make things my DD likes so why should his children be any different. I said my DD eats what we have most of the time, she might not like everything but she doesn’t expect me to cook her a completely different dinner. He said she’s older than his DS and knows what she likes so its not the same thing.

Anyway he ended up making them beans on toast which they were perfectly happy with. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want another argument in front of them but apparently that was even worse because it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

I do feel a bit bad because I have always made them alternatives before and now suddenly I’m not. I dont dislike them, we get on alright and I don’t expect them to eat stuff they hate. But I work too and I do most of the cooking anyway, and I don’t think its unreasonable for their dad to make them something if they don’t want what everyone else is having.

He says they are only here 4 nights a month and I could make the effort. I said if its that important then he can make the effort as well.

AIBU to stop making separate meals or am I being unfair to them? I genuinely can’t tell now.

it made him look like he had to sort his own children out while I sat there eating my dinner.

YANBU. You’re not responsible for meal planning, shopping and cooking for his children. He is. He could be proactive when his children are staying and suggest healthy main meals you all like. Then, he could shop for them and cook them, especially if you’ve been at work that morning and he hasn’t. Or do it jointly with you.

I said well this is dinner, you can have the bits you like and leave what you dont, or your dad can make you something else if you really don’t want it.

YABU. Best to leave your DP to deal with his own kids. If you imagine being the child in this scenario. Staying at your dad’s/mums’s home and their DP makes something you don’t feel like eating. You politely say you don’t want it and are told (not by your parent but the DP) that’s what’s on offer or your parent has to make you something. It would make most kids feel awkward and a bit sad.

IMHO, blended families take their toll on kids without lots of very good boundary setting/communication from the couple. And always putting the kids’ well-being first.

Your partner needs to get off his backside and sort his own children out, does he think he has his own chef or something? How lazy he is.

What you are not acknowledging is that the SDC are rejecting the food on offer to get attention.

I've been a kid who would reject food just to piss my DM (a feeder) off if I had been told off earlier.

I don't think you are being wildly unreasonable but for.4 nights a month I'd cook to their palates - it's easier and more inclusive. No one will die if they eat chicken nuggets, baked beans and chips on a saturday night, right?

And when I say I'd cook - I mean we'd cook. My husband would join in.

just get your dp to do the cooking when his children come every other weekend - problem solved

‘His DS has eaten roast chicken before, thats part of why I was a bit annoyed yesterday as it wasn’t anything different to what I’ve done before. He just said he didn’t want it without even trying it and then his DD said she didn’t want it either. I wouldn’t have minded so much if they’d tried it and genuinely didn’t like it’

This is the issue here. It’s not that they don't LIKE it, it’s that they don’t WANT it. In that case tough titties. In our house ‘I don’t want that today’ doesn’t fly, if that’s what I’m cooking then that’s dinner. You may prefer yummy pizza to meat, potatoes and gravy but pizza is not on today’s menu!

Let him do the cooking on the nights his children are there.

But after reading your post, I would really not want to be in this relationship.

Why is it down to you to cook? Can he only do beans on toast and anything else you have pick up the slack? Let him cook for his fussy kids.

Totally reasonable to expect him
to sort out food. As you had done separate things in the past it might have been worth telling him you didn't want to any more before they showed up, but on the whole I think it serves him right for taking you for granted. He has a brass nerve to complain about being asked to do baked beans for his own kids!

Just say that to him them? He’s making it out to be your kids vs his kids when the issue is, he isn’t equally sharing responsibility and contributing but leaving it all to you

and for me personally I’d find cooking 3 separate meals simultaneously kinda stressful, even if one of them are basic/plain. It’s just decision fatigue and having to do 50 things at once before you can relax. On that basis alone, I’d say no

Get him to cook on the weekends they come.

Edit: That is for everyone, you, your daughter, and his own children - that way there will be no complaints

There are only there a few nights a month, I think it’s fair to plan the meal around foods that they like.

They're his kids. You aren't his nanny.

Roast chicken IS plain chicken. You cooked a meal for all, knowing they liked chicken. If they aren't happy, he can get off his butt and pander to them.

They're 9 & 14, not toddlers, they should have a broader palette and better manners by now. He sounds like a rubbish part time parent.

At 14 I was cooking supper for all.

The opposite is true - op is being unkind to the children - it's not rocket science to make one meal that suits all FFS.

I’m all for peace and getting my kids (both autistic and one alsonADHD) DS14 and DD18 meals they like, I sometimes give them a choice, and different stuff but that’s because me DH and I like things they don’t like such as spicy food. I don’t mind doing it, but you made them stuff they like! I wouldn’t be happy with them saying no we want something else, it’s not a restaurant!

Ask both kids for a list of cooked meals they like, and a list of foods they like for snacks/sandwiches etc. That way you'll establish what they're being fed at home and how that differs from your meals - they might be totally different.

Kids can be really funny with food & it varies from household to household. Your DD might eat at someone else's house and not like it because she's used to your cooking, or she might prefer theirs (that's hard to take). His kids might not have experienced/eaten what you cook before now because their mum sticks to their preferences. Do a bit of digging and make it fun/a learning curve for you all - see if you can integrate what they will eat into a meal that suits the rest of you in your house just for the days they're at yours & then back to normal when they've gone.

We had all this when DD got a boyfriend, he didn't like what we ate & she didn't like what his mum cooked. 5 years on they buy & cook their own food on the days when they're together or they go out.

It's a nightmare but you can get a win/win out of this if you approach his kids - he'll wonder wtf is going on but he can never say you haven't tried and he may see it as a positive rather than a bunfight.7

He should cook.

Why isn't daddy dearest doing it then? Or are you one of those women who thinks a man can't possibly be expected to cook because his big swinging dick won't let him get near enough to the oven?

Easy solution he can cook for the 4 days they are there

so he can decide /choose what they will happily eat and assume you and dd will also then happily eat it

what does mum cook them the other 26/27 days a month

You politely say you don’t want it and are told (not by your parent but the DP) that’s what’s on offer or your parent has to make you something. It would make most kids feel awkward and a bit sad.

Goodness, heaven forfend that your own parent has to make you something to eat! Or is it only shocking because it's a male parent, not the live in maid?

I really disagree with ‘his kids he should cook for them’. The OP needs to make them feel welcome and not like a pain in the arse. If they’re being wilfully awkward and pains in the arse, it’s because they don’t feel comfortable in the home and with the situation and are seeking to exert control in the only way they know how and with the limited tools they have.

And that’s really shitty but it’s on the grown ups to deal with. Because the kids are just being like kids.

If the OP usually does the cooking, she should do the cooking. If she does all the domestic shit and her husband is a lazy twat, that’s a separate issue. But if they’ve divided and conquered the labour at home fairly and she cooks, then she cooks for the whole family. Othering children that already feel awkward will not help the situation.

My son hates visiting his dad when he was married to his second wife, because she looked at him with angry eyes and wasn’t kind. That broke my heart. He loved going to see him now he’s married to his third wife because she is kind and makes him feel welcome. It’s really hard being a kid passed around from pillar to post of a weekend. Make them chicken nuggets - that all of you eat. Whatever they eat - you eat it too.

Its pretty weird that within a year of living together, in the 21st century, when you both work, he sees it as solely your job to cook, I'm glad he does other stuff sometimes, but he seems a tad old fashioned. See how he reacts if you suggest you have a rota and take turns to cook - if he's opposed to that, i really think you should consider whether you want to see how the sharing of chores progresses over years, or get out now!

I do feel a parent should be responsible for seeing to the needs of their child, e.g, food. I can see OP’s frustrations with her DP.

But, to your point about kindness, I feel quite saddened by a number of responses. Some horrible remarks about innocent children, who’ve been through a family breakdown. And just need the adults around them to understand and be kind.

It’s really difficult when kids have to stay with a parent only a couple of nights, when the parent lives with a DP (and even more so if the DP has a child/ren, who sees it as their main home). And the DP is, basically, the parent ‘in charge’. It doesn’t feel like the child’s home: it can feel like they’re a visitor in another family’s home. It can be so stressful. Especially when there’s tension between their parent and their DP.

And @honeylulu, I said ‘parent’ on purpose. Same applies if kids live with their dad and spend a couple of nights at the mum’s home, where her DP (man or woman) says that to them. When they should expect their mum to respond to their needs. And for the mum’s DP to be nothing but kind.

If men are rubbish partners and dads, no need to take it out on their kids.

The OP cooked what they had previously eaten.

What's happening here us the kids are playing games and the father has allowed himself to be sucked in.

Instead of criticizing the OP, he should have told his children that the OP had cooked a nice meal for them sll, and they should eat it. He fell for their 'pick me' game instead.

Kids are helped to become part of a blended family only when their parent stops being a wuss and starts being a parent, not a guilt-wracked pushover.

If your son's former stepmother was nasty to him, his father should have had words with her. This is parenting. (Maybe he eventually did - I don't know.)

Read what she posted.

She did cook one meal - a meal that suited all the previous time she cooked it.