step kids causing separate living?

[lilymonroe]

hi guys,

im looking for some judgement free advice if anyone has been in the same situation.

Long story short, my partner ended moving in with me after 5 months. We tried very hard to prevent it, but circumstances left it the only viable option (complicated).

I am enjoying living with him, it's been nearly 4 months now, but i'm finding visits with his daughter very testing and i'm un sure if I can cope with the environment the home morphs into for much longer.

for context, she is 5. Dad did not put boundaries and rules in with her until not long after moving in with me. He had let her pretty much do what she wanted previously but understood this could not continue.

For months now she has been very tricky while he is implementing this. Multiple breakdowns and tantrums daily, nearly every bedtime is distressing and it really goes on. She can be rude, bratty and very much rejects 'no'. I feel on egg shells as I know outbursts could be coming. Things do not seem to be improving.

I understand that she is 5 and i am really trying, but in my experience with children she is certainly not the easiest.

I feel guilty and sad for having these feelings and don't want to cause disruption to her life, but I dread her visits which are every other week from friday- tuesday. I am not coping with the disfunction she is bringing to the house. In general I am left with a grumpy, unpleasant version of her dad during her visits as he is drained from dealing with her behaviour. I think deep down he knows it's partially his own doing.

Has anyone been in this situation? and has anyone then resorted back to separate living? I do wonder if that may be the healthiest option so he gets his parenting time and I don't build up resentment.

Any advice is appreciated.

I probably sound awful, but I must add that I have been great with his child and totally welcomed her into the home and gone above and beyond in effort.

Just tell him the truth.

It sounds as if you are almost afraid to discuss the situation with him. He needs to know things are not working out with the living arrangements. You don't have to be harsh but you do need to be honest.

i'm super afraid as it may well end the relationship, and outside of this issue i'm incredibly happy. i don't think he will take it the right way or be one to acknowledging that his delayed parenting could have caused these outbursts to be so intense and frequent, therefore causing an environment that is tense and unpleasant to live in. the idea that his child also might not be coping with the living arrangements also isn't something i think he's ever considered, but it's very feasible

Oh my goodness. You poor thing. Bit weird but have you considered using AI to draft a variety of questions and answers that might keep things on track once you start actually discussing it? Or role playing with a friend almost like interview practice?

Why are you afraid of ending the relationship when he has proven he doesn't put his 5 year old child first at all?

He also doesn't put you first. He's a selfish man who has taken the easy option of not being a good parent and now he's trying to force boundaries because he has moved in with you and he KNOWS you will ask him to leave because he's a shit dad.

His solution is to further upset this poor little child who doesn't know whether she has any stability with her father or not. Doubt you are the first new girlfriend he's introduced to her within a matter of weeks either.

Do you want him to say he won't see his child in the house where he now lives just so you don't have a stressful weekend? No matter what happens - none of this is good for this child. He needs to live in his own house with his child being his priority. Not a new girlfriend.

weirdly yes, i've used AI and it has worded things more eloquently than i ever could. it's hard to know which angle to take though and how long to realistically give the situation

So you would prefer to live with a man who is using you (because no matter excuses you give yourself, he had alternative housing arrangements) and a child who is making your life miserable (because of her dad's lack of competence) rather than the relationship end over a simple conversation?

I think you should really really sit with that thought... this man who has caused such terrible behaviour and you are afraid to discuss with him .. is worth a lifetime of misery? Really?

I've read your OP and subsequent responses and I still wonder what the difficulty is. This is a very new boyfriend who's ended up living with you. The housing arrangement is not working for you. Move him out. You will be happier, his daughter may be happier and I'd be interested to see whether he's happier.

At just 5 months, zero angst is required here. Get him gone. A crap parent is about as attractive as a cold sore.

Yeah, I think you really need to sit still for a while with the thought that your “incredibly happy” relationship will likely end if you bring up these obvious and serious issues.

If your relationship is only happy because you’ve massively rushed it to accommodate his circumstances, and because you’re avoiding discussing real and serious problems, then it is not a genuinely healthy or happy relationship. It’s a fantasy.

He sounds like he’s been a Disney dad. It will get worse with age especially when she becomes a teenager. Personally I’d leave the relationship.

Having read all your posts OP it strikes me that you’re desperate for someone to say “yes, we used to live together but he moved back out and our relationship really thrived!”

I think unfortunately for you those cases are really rare. And almost certainly don’t match your circumstances.

You’re afraid of having an honest conversation in case he breaks up with you. That’s not a happy relationship, even if you can’t see that right now,

Also, you don’t want DC. He has a little girl. Even if he did successfully move back out at some point you’re going to be in a full-blown step-parent role- unless you plan on living separately for the next 13 years or so?

Kids are hard work. It’s often not much fun. Even more so when the child is struggling to fit their life between two households. Even more so again when historically there’s been a Disney Dad and poor boundaries.

I think you may have underestimated the impact a child will have on your life, and for how long. It doesn’t get easier when they’re older either, as there are different challenges!!

I don’t think you’re ready to hear this but honestly, if the relationship fizzles out because you ask him to move out then I truly believe you’ll be happier in the long run.

How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking? And how old is he?

Agree with PP. You need to accept this may have a detrimental impact on the relationship. But if you can't have the conversation and be honest.. then what kind of relationship is that

For the conversation you can frame it as "i have been reflecting and in hindsight we probably made the wrong call to move in together. Clearly your DD is unsettled and struggling to adapt. I am struggling to adapt. I am worried that this will ultimately break us up if we don't do something concrete. I think it would be best if you moved out and we all got to know each other a bit better in a less stressful environment "

My DH expects me to want to me “mum” when DSS is at our house, which involves me doing joint parenting with him. I have pushed back at this, and tried to take more of an auntie role. DH understandably wants me to love DSS like my own (I am also childfree) but obviously I don’t understand that kind of love because I don’t have children. This has led to quite intense conversations about what I “should” be doing, and basically resentment on both sides.

at the beginning, it was all new and DSS was basically a baby. I did what DH wanted me to do and it burnt me out completely. As a PP said, kids aren’t that interesting, unless they’re yours.

I would never advise living with a partner who has a young child unless you’re a very rare type of woman who is happy to be hands on. It’s very hard to separate between 2 adults living in the house, and i understand DHs point of view of wanting a “nuclear” type situation for DSS. But it will never be the same because I just don’t love DSS like he does.

there’s always a possibility that DSD could come and live with you full time.

DSS was a baby when me and his father began our relationship so he’s never acted up towards me because I am familiar and it’s all he’s ever known. But he does expect the same care and love from me as DH.

how old are you?

If you don’t want children, why are you a) with someone who has them and b) let them move in describing them as a step kid.

(I dont have children)

You shouldn’t be afraid to voice your truth in a nine month relationship and your putting so much blame on a little five year old that should be put your bf. He may end up having her full time so your conversation needs to be about how it was way too soon for you both to move in together. He needs a place to bring his daughter up in as it’s not a visit he is bringing her up a certain amount of days a week. He’s only considering his own needs and not bothered about his daughter or your needs!

that's interesting, i feel the same. there are times where i think he expects too much from me considering the time frame and also that im not her biological mother. I agree, it will never be the same as living with biological mum, it just won't, and i don't think he totally understands this.
please can i ask how you guys resolved this and you took on that more auntie like role? i would happier with that at this stage in the process and given her age. it's more appropriate. I am 31.

This won't be what you want to hear. But if you think he will only stay in a relationship with you while you are providing him housing, is it really a great loss if he splits with you if you don't provide it any longer?

It’s not resolved, that’s what I’m trying to say. His perspective is not wrong, and neither is mine. There’s resentment on both sides.

i would like an auntie role, but it’s not realistic. Children see two constant caregivers in the same home, they don’t understand it.

I would strongly advise you rethink your relationship. I am early 30s too and it’s a very hard role

OP, you have to protect yourself as he definitely won't, particularly as he needs housing.

His child has been parented and this will only get substantially worse.

There are so many posters whom deeply regret every getting involved as long term the stress has never been worth it.

If the relationship is contingent on you providing housing then you are mad to waste your time doing suchba thankless job.

It suits men to have the nearest woman doing childcare.

Don't be used.

Are either you or your partner able to talk about this with the question being framed as - what would be best for the 5 year old?

AS I think ultimately that is the key question here - and should be the forefront of your partners mind.

He behaved grossly irresponsibly in moving in with a new partner when he has a very young child. The child is dysregulated and struggling to come every other week - you are a complete stranger she is not related to and when you say your partner is unhappy - that is very sad for his child to pick up on as well.

If he is telling the truth and his ex is abusive - then the child is shuttling between two unhappy and unsafe environments.

Neither you or your partner should be putting your needs before this poor child who is in the early years of her life. You should consider how attractive this man is who cannot put a very young child first in this situation.

ask yourself op -if you had a 4 or 5 year old - would you move in with a man after 5 months and subject the child to that new adult you barely know? hopefully not.

If you had said at the start absolutely no living together for at least 5:years would he have respected this and arranged his own emergency accommodation or would he have dumped you for a woman happy to let him move in.