step kids causing separate living?

[lilymonroe]

hi guys,

im looking for some judgement free advice if anyone has been in the same situation.

Long story short, my partner ended moving in with me after 5 months. We tried very hard to prevent it, but circumstances left it the only viable option (complicated).

I am enjoying living with him, it's been nearly 4 months now, but i'm finding visits with his daughter very testing and i'm un sure if I can cope with the environment the home morphs into for much longer.

for context, she is 5. Dad did not put boundaries and rules in with her until not long after moving in with me. He had let her pretty much do what she wanted previously but understood this could not continue.

For months now she has been very tricky while he is implementing this. Multiple breakdowns and tantrums daily, nearly every bedtime is distressing and it really goes on. She can be rude, bratty and very much rejects 'no'. I feel on egg shells as I know outbursts could be coming. Things do not seem to be improving.

I understand that she is 5 and i am really trying, but in my experience with children she is certainly not the easiest.

I feel guilty and sad for having these feelings and don't want to cause disruption to her life, but I dread her visits which are every other week from friday- tuesday. I am not coping with the disfunction she is bringing to the house. In general I am left with a grumpy, unpleasant version of her dad during her visits as he is drained from dealing with her behaviour. I think deep down he knows it's partially his own doing.

Has anyone been in this situation? and has anyone then resorted back to separate living? I do wonder if that may be the healthiest option so he gets his parenting time and I don't build up resentment.

Any advice is appreciated.

I probably sound awful, but I must add that I have been great with his child and totally welcomed her into the home and gone above and beyond in effort.

Do you have kids? Honestly he needs to move out

Hey. No, I don't and don't want my own. I'm happy to accept a child into my life but this is far more than what I believed I signed up for

He needs to move back out. He's causing distress to his child with his crap parenting and probably hoped you would take over for him. 5 months is too soon for you to have even met this child never mind be living with her.

He's not a good dad at all. Very unattractive quality.

Was probably never going to be anything but an unmitigated disaster.

I'm childfree and nothing on earth could get me to date a parent. Move the boyfriend out, you're still in the very early stages of the relationship and should be having fun, easy dates, not this drudgery.

Was it a case of the old cliche 'no one falls in love faster than a man with nowhere to live'?

Let me guess he was going to end up homeless?
No man as in love as one who needs a new address.

He rushed his daughter’s introduction to his girlfriend and rushed moving in. He even added a change in how he parents to the mix.Of course she is acting out.

It would be in her best interest for him to move out and focus on fatherhood for the time being.

totally understand what you're saying. I resent having that period of our relationship taking away from us as i agree, things should still be fun right now and they are intense. It's a very complicated story, but I have to define that he never pushed to live with me. All options were explored. If the behaviour wasn't so poor I would cope, but this feels like more than what I bargained for if that makes sense?

He should not have moved in so quickly. There is no circumstance in the world where I would have moved in with a partner when I have dc. Sorry, he would have to deal with being homeless.

I am 5 years into a relationship and only just looking at moving in together, in part because I have dc.

He needs to move out.

I can't imagine it's common for a woman to hugely benefit from dating a man who's a crap parent. But the only reason to date men is for them to enhance your life and make it fun, and easier.
I've been married twenty years and life is peaceful, enjoyable and pretty easy.

You can choose a life of happiness, there's not much thought or long discussions needed, tell the boyfriend you're not enjoying the relationship and he needs to leave your property. Don't indulge him in any back and forth, it's pointless.

He sounds like a useless twat, and as such I'd get him to move out ASAP.

Poor kid, but as you say its not your problem.

I cannot imagine what situation could possibly have led to you thinking this would work out. You barely knew him.

I mean, if a grown man has “no other option” but to move himself and his young child in with his girlfriend of five months, surely that is a monstrous red flag in itself.

I couldn't gave said it better than this. Poor child's life is turned upside down in a mere matter of months.

@lilymonroe Absolutely he should move out. He need to put his child first and offer her some stability and learn to parent properly before adding a new girlfriend to the mix. This was all far far too rushed.

please can i ask if anyone has any experience with trying co habiting and then reverting to separate living? regardless of my situation posted above.

i knew there would be judgement which is fine, but as is everything, there's always more to the story. i'm super duper aware the timeline is not great, i do agree.

just looking for advice 😊 anyone else struggled with co habiting with a step child?

FAFO. He could have moved into a hmo surely? He wants a nanny with a fanny and you fell for it. What could have changed that he can now live elsewhere?

Many people struggle with cohabiting with a step-child under the best of circumstances so the fact that you’re struggling with it under these clearly suboptimal circumstances is not surprising.

If moving in was really only forced by circumstances and him moving out is now a possibility, then obviously yes, he needs to move out, get his relationship with his daughter and his parenting stabilised and progress his relationship with you under normal conditions.

A 5 yo is always more than anyone signed up for- I remember my son aged 6 and asking people when they thought things would be less crazy!!! You’re going to have to remember you’re so new to her life, I would guess she’s testing every boundary. Imagine as a child if you were suddenly faced with a new person in your life? Her dad needs to settle things with chats, stories, lots of playtime. Sitting down together when eating, keeping her off screens as much as possible (although I recommend Bluey and peppa pig for ye to watch together!), loads of books, play dough, colouring, drawing.

Why can’t he find his own place? What were the circumstances that led him into moving in with you?

I certainly struggled cohabiting with my stepson when I first moved in with his father. It was a huge change for me, having to put a child's feelings and needs before my own. BUT the key was I already loved him, I knew him and had spent lots and lots of time with him. We had lots of discussions with him before ever moving in together. We didnt rush it. And I made sure to give him plenty of quality time with his Dad and made myself scarce.

I think if you want this relationshio to work out you need to refrain your outlook... you are a grown adult struggling with this situation, so just imagine how a 5 year old feels. Having her family seperate, loving between her mom and dad, 2 different houses, dad gets new girlfriend, maybe mum has a new relationship (I don't know), all of a sudden we live with dad's very very new girlfriend, now the rules are changing and Dad is acting different to her. Her behaviour is bound to struggle.

A man I know has gone from living together to separated 5 times now. Every time because of his shit parenting.

He’s ended up cheating and finding someone else to move in with every time because he’s looking for a nanny with a fanny and as soon as they won’t take his shit anymore he moves on.

And you really should rethink the “step kids causing” part of your question.

its your partners crap lazy parenting that’s causing it. Not the kid.

So if he hadn’t met you he would have no other viable option apart from living on the streets?! How convenient for him to meet you and find himself in this position so soon into your relationship

It's really worrying if she's acting up at 5, because bad behaviour tends to get worse. I get that if he lost his wife, he maybe was struggling, but for her sake he should have been ensuring she learned to be polite and to follow the rules. It's very hard to do this after, and not your fault-it's on him to.

This story sounds very similar to one posted while back, are you the same person.

The main concensus was he has her elsewhere on his time if he wont parent her correctly.

I think what you've said is key. You already had that bond. We didn't so the behaviour is even more tricky to tolerate.
And i do agree, for the most part i don't blame her at all. Don't get me wrong, there are elements of personality at play, but his lack of boundaries over the last couple of years with her is the biggest issue.
when you struggled, what kind of conversations did you and your partner have?
her mum does indeed have a partner of nearly 2 years. kiddo has always been cool with me for the most part, she has always seemed to like me to her credit. i've tried very hard to create a good relationship with her