step kids causing separate living?

[lilymonroe]

hi guys,

im looking for some judgement free advice if anyone has been in the same situation.

Long story short, my partner ended moving in with me after 5 months. We tried very hard to prevent it, but circumstances left it the only viable option (complicated).

I am enjoying living with him, it's been nearly 4 months now, but i'm finding visits with his daughter very testing and i'm un sure if I can cope with the environment the home morphs into for much longer.

for context, she is 5. Dad did not put boundaries and rules in with her until not long after moving in with me. He had let her pretty much do what she wanted previously but understood this could not continue.

For months now she has been very tricky while he is implementing this. Multiple breakdowns and tantrums daily, nearly every bedtime is distressing and it really goes on. She can be rude, bratty and very much rejects 'no'. I feel on egg shells as I know outbursts could be coming. Things do not seem to be improving.

I understand that she is 5 and i am really trying, but in my experience with children she is certainly not the easiest.

I feel guilty and sad for having these feelings and don't want to cause disruption to her life, but I dread her visits which are every other week from friday- tuesday. I am not coping with the disfunction she is bringing to the house. In general I am left with a grumpy, unpleasant version of her dad during her visits as he is drained from dealing with her behaviour. I think deep down he knows it's partially his own doing.

Has anyone been in this situation? and has anyone then resorted back to separate living? I do wonder if that may be the healthiest option so he gets his parenting time and I don't build up resentment.

Any advice is appreciated.

I probably sound awful, but I must add that I have been great with his child and totally welcomed her into the home and gone above and beyond in effort.

The bonus of divorcing my dh was never having his dc in my life. A canny dc but simply not parented much. Unbearable..
So many adults in her life and not one ever said no to her. She was a nightmare and she only stayed a night or 2 a week.

I never moved in with DP precisely because we both had children and we knew it would be tricky and stressful to combine families for all concerned

totally, i have sympathy for why she may be the way she is. Totally understand.

this is my issue, if moving my partner and his child back out would cause no trauma to her, i'd be happier to suggest it to him.

what you have described is my ideal scenario. long story as to why he moved in, but there is the potential that circumstances may change for him over the coming months allowing him to be able to get his own place again.

it's very hard. how do you convey that this may be the best for his child and also myself, without causing great offence and upset? probably not a way of doing that

can i ask what sort of conversations yourself and your partner had about her behaviour? did he ever acknowledge that it was actually a lot to be asking of you

It’s your bf’s fault and not his daughter’s fault.

She’s been poorly parented for 5 years. You are unreasonable to think that things might be better after he changed his ways for 4 months. Plus is he always parenting New Dad now or is he only doing it when you are around? She was obviously going to resist change when the old way suited her just fine. I suspect that if you split, he’ll revert to his old ways as permissive parenting is the lazy way to parent. You’ve probably heard the term Disney Dad on here and your bf is an honorary member of that club. You should definitely ask him to move out, avoid getting pregnant with him at all costs and reclaim your sanity. There shouldn’t be feelings of dread in such a young relationship which is the very definition of too much too soon. The child needs stability ding consistency.

why did he split up with the mother of the child?

sadly because she was a chronic cheat and physically abusive. I took with a pinch of salt a first but have now been able to ascertain that it is true

I think the harsh reality is that you moved in together far too quickly, particularly when there is a five-year-old child involved. Five months is barely any time to establish what someone is actually like as a parent, let alone whether your lives and households are compatible.

The bigger issue here isn't his daughter. She is five. Her behaviour sounds difficult, but she's also had years of very few boundaries and has then suddenly had a huge change: Dad has moved in with a partner, she's now staying in somebody else's home, and at the same time Dad has decided to completely change the rules and expectations. Of course she's pushing back.

What stands out more is that you're describing becoming anxious before she even arrives, dreading her visits, feeling that the house becomes dysfunctional, and then being left with a grumpy and unpleasant partner because he's exhausted by parenting her. That's fundamentally a partner/parenting issue, not a five-year-old issue.

He created the previous lack of boundaries and it's his responsibility to calmly and consistently deal with the consequences of changing them. You shouldn't be expected to absorb the fallout or live on eggshells in your own home.

Personally I think separate homes may actually be the sensible option at this stage. It doesn't have to mean ending the relationship. It means acknowledging that combining households after five months was premature and giving him space to establish a stable parenting routine with his daughter without you becoming resentful of a child who didn't choose any of this.

And I would be very careful about describing her as the person "bringing dysfunction into the house". She's five. The adults created this situation.

Be very very careful what you ask for, if you've made the decision not to have children I don't think it makes sense getting involved with men who have kids, it's a very difficult relationship to navigate and comes with lots of challenges and issues and many thanks thankless service on your part.

You're better off finding a man when also doesn't want children.

For your current situation the best thing is for him to move out and focus on his daughter, you can keep dating if you want but he stays with his daughter when he has her and you see when he is child free, unfortunately many men become Disney dads when the separate form their kids mothers and are unable to out boundaries in place.

thank you.I appreciate your advice.
how do you feel it could be worded or framed, the suggestion that we should live separately again? in a way that clarifies i'm not rejecting his child, but ultimately he needs to go and establish boundaries with her in a way that's not so heavily affecting me

You don’t even need to bring the kid into it, just say it’s too much too soon. No one should be moving in together that quick and moving in was a mistake as you are still getting to know each other

I had a dd age wise either side of his. On the one hand he wanted them treated the same. Gift wise/treat wise etc. But his dd had no rules or boundaries. My dd's got told off for things his didn't..for example she refused to sit at the table at meal times and wandered around eating food. Acceptable for her but not for mine. Bedtime I did insist they had bedtimes. Oddly our house was the only place she didn't have night terrors..

I’d frame it very much as “we moved too quickly” rather than “I can’t live with your daughter”.

Something along the lines of: I love you and I’m not rejecting your daughter, but I think we combined our lives before you’d had the chance to establish a settled parenting dynamic with her. At the moment I’m being pulled into the consequences of parenting decisions that pre-date me, and it’s starting to affect how I feel about her visits, which I really don’t want.

Living separately again would give you the space to parent her consistently, put boundaries in place and work through the difficult behaviour without me becoming resentful or feeling constantly on edge in my own home. It would also allow me to have a relationship with her that isn’t dominated by tantrums, tension and the fallout afterwards.

I’d actually present it as trying to protect the relationship with both him and his daughter, rather than rejecting either of them.

And I would avoid saying he needs to “sort her out” before you can live together again. The issue isn’t that a five-year-old needs fixing; it’s that he needs to become a more consistent parent and demonstrate that he can manage his parenting responsibilities without the whole household revolving around the consequences.

thank you. that's a well written and fair way to frame it.
i know he will focus on taking criticism of his parenting pre dating myself, but the reality is that these are the consequences. i also know he will argue it was wrong to let him move it and now up heave his child again- as an outsider, do you have any advice re this?

Well, you originally said his move was unavoidable. So all you need to say is that it was the only choice at the time, but it wasn’t a good situation to put you all into. Now that a better arrangement is possible, that’s the one you should move to.

Maybe he needs to move out then to reduce the pressure on all of you. He can improve his parenting skills (away from you) and you can build a more gradual relationship with her.

You moved in together far too early. You know this. 5mths is nothing

most wouldn’t have even met a partners child at this age range

you say no other option but if he was single .hadnt met you where would he have lived

it will be less disruptive to the child to move out now then in months /years time

she’s had a lot in her little life from parents splitting to mum finding a partner and now dad

so yes you need to live sep at this present time

he doesn’t have his child 50/50 so will be plenty of time to have a relationship with you without his daughter

and the time he spends with his dd to be him and her

She’s five? She is not the problem in this relationship.

The child has had so much disruption no wonder she is acting out. too fast, too soon.
your boyfriends priority should be her and creating a safe and stable environment with clear and positive boundaries to improve relations. moving in so early created lots of uncertainty. I’d discuss him setting up home with her separately, focusing on settling her and mapping out some time for you separately to spend outside of this both as a couple and also some time to spend with his daughter to build that relationship over time.

You. Do. Not. Know. This. Man
I have condiments in the fridge longer than you’ve known him.
That poor poor child.

it's very hard. how do you convey that this may be the best for his child and also myself, without causing great offence and upset? probably not a way of doing that

You shouldn't need to tiptoe around the conversation. If you think he'll take offense to putting his own child first then he's not a man I'd want to be with anyway.

A simple "do you need help finding permanent accommodation" should do the trick

The poor kids seen a toxic violent relationship, for some reason been left with the violent party except for unsettling every other weekend trips to her father who doesn’t have a stable home, or an interest in parenting. Now twice a month she has to live with some woman she (and her dad) barely knows. On top of that, when she’s around it makes her dad grumpy and the woman dreads her coming. Then she gets to go back home to her violent, deceitful mother.
I can’t see her trauma or behaviour getting much better tbf.

you’re saying ‘this’ is more than you signed up for - no kids are difficult. Blended families even more so. And this is the man you chose. This is exactly what you signed up for. It’s ok to realise that isn’t actually what you want though

I think you’re letting him off the hook a bit and putting more blame on a 5 year old than is her fair share to take as well.
you tell him you moved too fast, you think you need to take a step back and now his situation is changing you can help him look for somewhere great that he and his daughter can share….and also if his daughters mother is so violent it might be an idea to think about parenting more than 4 days a month.

Hi Op. I’m a stepmum to a 4 year old. He lives with us 50% of the time (including every weekend). It’s hard and it’s nearly broke us up multiple times. I got with DH just DSS was 1yo. He was never in a relationship with the mother, and it’s still acrimonious.

I can say that I have a very good and loving relationship with DSS. But I will also say I prefer it when he’s not here. He is very demanding (as are all children), but more so as he’s realised that mummy and daddy don’t live together. Both households naturally try and compensate for this, meaning DSS is centre of the attention at all times. I’ve struggled with the differing parental styles, particular behaviours that keep DSS in a baby like stage (eg he can use the toilet but wants dad to watch him in there, he can use a fork but still uses his hands so dad cuts up food for him). Theres tantrums and there’s boundary pushing constantly. There is zero adult time when he is here, and his needs are (naturally) put first. It leaves little excitement or connection between me and DH.

Im too deep in now to do anything about it. DSS would be very confused if I left. But looking back over the 3 years, I wish I’d never got involved with a man with a child. I would advise you to end it

It doesn't really matter the reason why he moved in after 5 months of dating, it was never going to be a great idea, esp when he has shared custody of a child.

Am not shocked the daughter plays up and while some of it may be down to parenting, I also think possibly that a new lady, new house to stay in will be playing a factor in her behaviour. While children can cope with a lot, quite resilient little rascals, I think that this may be too unsettling. You've not had the slow introduction have you? Where you get used to each other, trip to the park for a little while etc.

In an ideal world he needs to move out and get his own place. I hope this is possible, for all of you. You both can go back to dating and getting to know each other and his daughter will have less to cope with.

this is super interesting.
my experience when kiddo is here sounds similar, possibly more intense behaviour.
please could i ask in what aspect it has nearly ended your relationship? what kind of conversations it lead you to?
thank you