step kids causing separate living?

[lilymonroe]

hi guys,

im looking for some judgement free advice if anyone has been in the same situation.

Long story short, my partner ended moving in with me after 5 months. We tried very hard to prevent it, but circumstances left it the only viable option (complicated).

I am enjoying living with him, it's been nearly 4 months now, but i'm finding visits with his daughter very testing and i'm un sure if I can cope with the environment the home morphs into for much longer.

for context, she is 5. Dad did not put boundaries and rules in with her until not long after moving in with me. He had let her pretty much do what she wanted previously but understood this could not continue.

For months now she has been very tricky while he is implementing this. Multiple breakdowns and tantrums daily, nearly every bedtime is distressing and it really goes on. She can be rude, bratty and very much rejects 'no'. I feel on egg shells as I know outbursts could be coming. Things do not seem to be improving.

I understand that she is 5 and i am really trying, but in my experience with children she is certainly not the easiest.

I feel guilty and sad for having these feelings and don't want to cause disruption to her life, but I dread her visits which are every other week from friday- tuesday. I am not coping with the disfunction she is bringing to the house. In general I am left with a grumpy, unpleasant version of her dad during her visits as he is drained from dealing with her behaviour. I think deep down he knows it's partially his own doing.

Has anyone been in this situation? and has anyone then resorted back to separate living? I do wonder if that may be the healthiest option so he gets his parenting time and I don't build up resentment.

Any advice is appreciated.

I probably sound awful, but I must add that I have been great with his child and totally welcomed her into the home and gone above and beyond in effort.

OP

Everyone here is looking out for the good of the kid, you have to look out for for yourself.

I would get him out or at best get him to see his kid somewhere else like at a relatives.

But accept the possibility that you might break up if he sees you won't put up with things anymore. I cannot stress enough, this would in the end still be better for you than having his kid ruin your days.

And ask any stepparents, she won't get better anytime soon, or ever even.

that is my worry, that it won't improve. I kinda don't blame her though. It's mainly the repercussions of him spending several years with limited boundaries with her. don't get me wrong, i do believe part is her personality, but if he had been firmer with her earlier on i don't think things would be so bad

it scares me that this could end things. I have thought about the idea that he maybe needs to have visits at his parents house with her for now but it would bring further disruption to her life which is a big thing to ask

Imagine the next 5, 10 years with continuing crappy behaviour. Just getting more intense with age. Potentially at some stage weaponised by the mother.

listen to those of us who've been there...it doesn't have an end date.
Please read as many of the posts on the stepparents forum as you can - you'll see what I mean.

I don’t know how you would tell what part of it is “personality”, what part is trauma caused by the upheaval of parents splitting at a young age, housing insecurity and adjusting to a new live-in “step-parent” (though let’s be honest, if your relationship is only nine months old, it’s wildly inappropriate to call yourself that, you’re her dad’s girlfriend, that’s all), and what part is caused by the shitty parenting.

I’m not being mean when I say you’re a girlfriend, not a step-parent. An enormous number of the issues I see on the step-parenting boards could be avoided by women recognising that they are being inappropriately expected (by their relatively new boyfriends) to act like a parent to children who they are absolutely not responsible for parenting.

There is nothing to be gained by over-functioning for a man who hasn’t grown up enough to stand on his own two feet and fulfil his own responsibilities properly before bringing a “partner” into his life.

i'll defend myself here, I actually never refer to myself as a step parent. she has used the word step mum, but i personally never have and don't encourage it at this stage. More time is needed.
Re personally- watching her on various environments, including prior to the move. Kids are all different, same as adults. However I certainly place little blame on her. Boundaries should have been established when she was 2, not now she's 5

No step kids. But i was the step child. Around her age I saw my mum and dad divorce and then had to spend weekends with a woman & her children who i had never met before hand and act like it was normal. I hated it. To me it was just showing me the family my dad left us to go live with.

I hated it. It wasn't fun. I didn't like her and I didn't like her children and I was forced every other weekend to go. My dad hated us being there too. He made it abundantly clear he wanted nothing to do with us once he left my mum.
She probably doesn't like sharing him with you. You're a stranger, your house is strange and she is too young to understand it all.

There is not a single man on earth that I would put up with this for. I would rather be single than have every other precious weekend ruined.

again, if anyone has experience purposely living separately to their partner for the benefit of a step child and the adult relationship, and in honesty, of themselves, I would love to hear. Thank you.

And what in your extensive experience and expert knowledge of child development qualifies you to say that? You’re completely ignoring the impact of significant disruption, separation and insecurity on this child. Because it suits you to do so - but I suppose it’s much easier to demonise the child than acknowledge the adults have royally screwed things ip.

You have been played it seems. Too much, too soon. He has moved in far too quickly. Why? Ask yourself that.

I'm real sorry you had that experience 😔
luckily for this little lady there are no other kids here and i make sure to give them plenty of quality time just the two of them.
weirdly, before they moved in she actually asked her father if they could move into my home. she's always seemed to like it here

Is he paying his way?

See, it’s crazy that you had met her enough to get a sense of what she’s like just five months into your relationship with her dad.

Can you not see how rushed your relationship has been and that the issues you’re now encountering are heavily related to the fact that the relationship has moved far too fast?

It’s very difficult to walk a rushed relationship back, though certainly walking it back to a more appropriate stage would be better than forging on trying to “make it work”.

My ex rushed the introduction of his girlfriend to the kids and to be honest, I’m not sure either his relationship with our daughter or our daughter’s relationship with his girlfriend will ever really recover. There is too much mutual resentment and wariness now.

yes, very much so

So I think I can kind of answer this. Although I’d have to go a step back. I have kids myself and I’m a teacher so I have the benefit/experience know what they’re like. And so, I can say that I would never ever ever move in in the first place with a man who had a young child. No thanks.

completely agree, all too fast. It's a very complex situation and i'm super away.
If love some advice on here from anyone who has found it beneficial for all parties for separate living to be reverted back to.
stations will change over the coming months that may make having his own place again feasible so I would like to weigh it up as an option. I do not want to cause further disruption to this child, but acknowledge it may be for the best

as someone with credible experience, please may i ask why? genuine question, not judgement

It’s going to be a vanishingly rare scenario. Most people either choose to live separately from the start because they recognise the potential issues, or move out in desperation because they didn’t see them coming, but the relationship usually doesn’t survive.

I know you’re stuck on the idea of keeping the relationship while ending the living situation, and in all honesty, that would be the best thing to try to achieve, but the reality is that much as you may be taken with this bloke, he doesn’t sound he’s really cut out to be a good partner and you’d be best off leaving him to sort his life out and find yourself a partner with whom you can be on a more equal footing.

Because whilst I love the bones of my own kids, as a cohort, they aren’t very fun. Some of them are, most are not. They don’t tend to tell you anything interesting usually. Unless you’re their parent in which case they’re endlessly fascinating. But some kid telling me something I already know is boring. I get paid to teach kids, I am absolutely not doing it for free in my leisure time.

Hon, you’re kidding yourself. It’s not super-complex. It’s very simple. This man got involved in a relationship well before he was ready to be involved in a relationship and now you are attempting to pick up the pieces of decisions made in haste.

please can i ask what sort of age group you teach?

Primary. But I’m afraid - my ‘experience’ also extends to teenagers both my own and my friends - they potentially (not all) are a billion times harder.
honestly, I would never ever do what you’re doing. Date him if he lives apart if you like, but to be honest, I’m not attracted to parents who can’t parent.

You are dreading the days she stays @lilymonroe that is no way to live in a 9 month relationship. Your getting resentment that your missing out on how it would be if he had no ties and it will get worse. Tell him that moving in together was a mistake and he needs to move out so he can spend quality time alone with his daughter. That you would like to continue seeing him but it’s too much too soon for you and he needs to put his daughter first.

Yes, the behaviour is tricky for you to tolerate... but that's just 1 level of upheaval for you (having her stay every 2nd weekend), now imagine all the upheaval she's encountered in the last 3 year sof her life since her parent split. Absolutely chaos for her.

Her personality is a trait of her environment and no doubt the utter trauma she has underwent.

She might well like you. That doesn't mean she can handle being uprooted again.

Is there a reason why you and your new boyfriend (because he is still new in fairness) can't just live seperately? Realistically he has her very little (25%) so you could still spend 75% of the month with your partner and let them have the rest and you just visit / go on day trips etc until a solid relationship is established.