Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

I have every sympathy with you OP. You had your life perfectly arranged and now it’s all upended. You’ll get a hard time on here though….

Teen girls can be an absolute fucking nightmare. Rude, belligerent, aggressive, emotional, entitled, entirely lacking in self awareness. The list goes on. However, they can also be uproariously funny, intuitive, insightful, thoughtful, compassionate and absolutely fascinating. Can you start again and see if there is any common ground at all? You don’t have to love her - but could you be something like an older friend/person with a shared interest in sushi/art galleries/hockey/horror movies or whatever? You don’t need to love her! Just be friendly!

then at least when you are feeling fed up that you can’t go on holiday, at least you have something to cling to - that great evening at the cinema or whatever. That time she shared the hilarious anecdote with you or when she got her dad to buy your favourite coffee or something.

There are compensations. Otherwise why would any of us bother?!

I do sympathise with you but that girl has no choice about where to go and needs to be with her dad. You do have a choice. Sorry that’s harsh. There is no good way forward unless you can build a relationship with her.

“Soverymuchfruit · Today 14:47
I think you need regular therapy so you have a space to say clearly, out loud, how you feel about this situation.
Then you bottle it all up again and go home. 2 years is not that long. You'll cope.
And meanwhile, how many of the things you mention are really lost? You can leave a 16 year old on her own at home, for an evening. You can probably arrange her overnights with friends or as part of activities, so you can have weekends away with your husband. If you feel you can't relax in your living room after dinner, can you arrange things in your own bedroom to create a nice space to chill there? etc.”

@FloralGreen For me, it’s this. And i would actually go further. I think you need to step up here. You chose to marry a man who is a father. You and he have managed things in a way that you have consistently been able to prioritise yourself and your relationship with him over his parenting duties but in marrying a father of a young child you actually did sign up for supporting him in his parenting also. You just haven’t really had to do it much until now. He was content to let his daughter’s mother bear the chief burden for many years but it’s now his turn - and therefore yours if you truly love him - to step up.

Teenagers generally have phases of being sullen and tricky. Perhaps you were a dream teenager but adolescence and the pressures of coming of age are tough - arguably harder now than ever - and i know there were times as a teenager when i behaved badly to the adults around me.

This teenager has lost her mother at a devastatingly young age - she’s lost the home she shared with her mother - she’s grieving. Given the distance you talk about, presumably she has also lost local friends and local support networks. And you’re crying in the shower day in day out because she has to live with you for a few years!? This teenager is carrying a huge burden and you want to make it worse by making her the reason why her father’s marriage breaks down? She’ll likely be off to uni in a few years’ time.

You’re the adult here, OP, and you’ve had years of your relationship with your husband being prioritised. If you truly love your husband, you will step up and allow him to prioritise his daughter for a bit without deciding you need to end the marriage because his focus is on her rather than you for a few years and because your carefree and self-indulgent existence is on hold for a few years which will - in the scheme of things- pass soon.

I know it’s hard and I’m in a similar position having been thrusted to the position of my stepdaughter living with us in her early 20s due to poor behaviour elsewhere. What I will say is that you would regret leaving what seems to be a kind man if you did that. However it’s still your house and whilst you don’t need to be her mum you can still have boundaries about what behaviour you will accept and both of you should be on the same page and enforcing that. I think as she’s is still a teen your situation is a lot more difficult and added grief to that is another level. Maybe if you can go away for a few days and have some time to yourself but please don’t make any decisions you may regret later. 2 years could change an awful lot especially if you are just there, and a constant for her . I think it’s worth a shot to at least try.

So she's rude, messy & lazy.

DH should be dealing with it - grief is not an excuse.

I never said he didn't have a good relationship with his daughter. Due to work decisions and stuff in her personal life, the mother moved further away, which made contact tougher because even though my husband was willing to travel to pick his daughter up, the daughter found the much longer time in the car a struggle. And, as the daughter got older and did more teen stuff, face to face contact lessened because she wanted to do other stuff.

Although there was shared parental responsibility, as is common, one parent had the child for the majority of the time so her career choices and decisions regarding where to live won out over the contact the daughter had with her dad.

If you love your DH and see a future for you both, I wouldn't divorce yet. I would get yourself some therapy, get some respite breaks organised asap and then consider LAT - Living Apart Together if needed for this temporary period. Renting separate accommodation isn't going to cost more than divorcing and setting up two households anyway. How long has she been with you full-time? This must the the SDs worst time in her entire life-as well as losing her mum ( a tragedy at this age), she has also it sounds like had to move area, school, house -she has lost everything-except her dad and any extended family. She may well be acting out. This too shall pass.

I went through a bit of this with my step kids they came from a very rich, private school and looked down on me my 'tiny ' house etc but they did go to uni and I carved out time with my much older kids and friends. All our kids are in their 30s and 40s and settled now but I sympathise as I remember struggling so much with the rudeness and entitlement and invasion of my life for 2 DC I hadn't brought up.

What does her dad do about her being rude and messy in the house, eating all the food etc?
You sound like you're shouldering it on your own.
Whether a child is biologically yours or not, they need to follow some basic rules like not being rude, clearing up after themselves and being mindful about food.

Thank you so much 🙏 Your situation really resonates with me. I haven't been able to have my own child and create that life and do all the mum stuff so I have focused on the benefits of being childfree/childless and enjoy them. And then I suddenly had a teenager in the house full-time and everything changed.

What a difficult situation for all of you. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I do think you’d regret leaving for the sake of two more years living full time with your SD. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Have you tried counselling for yourself? It might help having someone to talk through your feelings with and to give you ways to cope.

I’m not sure what your work situation is, but perhaps you could arrange one week every month where you go away to have some peace and time alone. Whether that’s abroad, a spa, or just an Airbnb down the road… you’d get some time to yourself to decompress and lounge and just do you. It would also give your DH and SD some time alone to talk things through, bond etc.

Obviously you all need time to adjust and to help you cope, you need to create some opportunities for you to inject some fun back into your life. Why not organise some fun girls holidays with friends in term time. Also at 16+ she should be able to be at home on her own or have her grandparents (maybe her mums side) stay so you and you DH can have a weekend break.

although it feels hopeless now, this isnt forever (only a couple of years til she goes off to uni). Maybe you should try to organise some time just the two of you so you can try to bond. My step daughter is very different to me and was a similar age when we met. It’s taken a good few years but now I have great affection for her and we get on very well.

Just think one day, she may well make you a grandma! Stay strong and positive x

Sorry OP. I can sympathise.

My husband and I put ourselves through years of IVF and eventually we just had to say enough. We made a conscious decision to build a life on the freedom that being child free gave us. We holiday when we want and do all the things that having small children would prevent.
I have a decent relationship with his (now adult) children and whilst my husband would have loved to have been able to have a better relationship with them whilst they were growing up, the physical distance his ex put between our home town and where she moved to as well as the constant difficulties she created when he did try and get involved prevented that. He also just decided that life was better when he wasn’t trying to be overly involved as it just seemed to bring out the worst in his ex and the kids suffered more. It’s all ended up ok.

Don’t feel guilty for building the life you have. You are just going to have to figure a way through this period of life.

As I explained in my post, his daughter has settled really well and is telling everyone how happy she is. She has more friends here than she had where she previously lived and is thriving in a sporting club she joined. Her mother made a decision to move further away for her career when the daughter was quite young and that obviously had an impact on contact. My husband was driving the extra distance but his daughter found the extra time in the car a challenge. And as the daughter got older, she didn't want to spend weekends with her dad because she wanted to see friends where she lived. My husband found it tough but always made the effort and would go to see her where she lived if she was free.

I came into the relationship as just someone on the sidelines. I've only ever been her dad's partner and that suited all of us. And I reached out for advice because all of a sudden I'm a full-time stepmother and I am struggling.

You and possibly your husband as well, should get some counseling on how to cope with your new home situation. It’s a big upheaval. Don’t let resentment and despair fester.

Do things for yourself and if that means by yourself for a few years, then don’t let that stop you. No need to be at home miserable all the time. Accept that life is now more expensive.

Keep actively trying to do things with your husband’s daughter. Don’t give up on that front. Be there for her, have low expectations from her side. It can take her a really long time but at some point you two hopefully get along together.

Take this life period as an opportunity to grow as a person who is able to do more for others and be less self-centered.

It is hard. You seem like a thoughtful, decent person, who has a chance at dealing with the situation.

@FloralGreen Counselling is the first step as it'll give you a safe space to express your feelings (without hurting anyone) and work out your next steps.

I recently had some counselling to help me come to terms with my family situation (in my case, a difficult and sometimes abusive elderly parent) and it was very helpful. Don't bottle it all up.

Bloody hell! She’s list her mother at a vulnerable age, had little contact with her father and her whole life has been turned upside down, how do you think she should be behaving!!!

Can I make a suggestion? Take her out somewhere neutral for a coffee and say the following, "I know that you are not where you wanted to be or thought you would be at 16... and do you know what, neither am I, so how, between us, are we going to make the best of this situation? Your dad loves you to the moon and back, and I don't know you well enough yet to to say that. So, let's see what we can come up with together to make these next few years as happy as they can be for both of us.

First of all, what can I do to make you happy and comfortable, what do I do that drives you up the wall, what can your dad and I do to give you the best start. Then I will tell you what you do that drives me to distraction and maybe we can find a compromise that works for us. I will never be your mother but I could be a good friend if you are willing to give it a try..."

Could your DH consider taking his daughter away over night occasionally? Do a few of these and then maybe you and DH could have a night away and she stays with a grandparent maybe?
Othersa are saying you could still go away and leave her at home but I am sensing she is not yet ready to be trusted like that - and if you go away with DH she may feel left out - hence the suggestion he takes her first??* *It could even be an incentive for an uptick in tidiness and attitude?
You sound really caring- and it is a very challenging situation for you in so many ways as you’ve not had a chance to have your own children and SD would probably like her Dad to herself.
Please don’t leave - else DH could resent his daughter for that.
This is the hardest part- hopefully SD is still having bereavement support. Could you access any support as well? You sound as though you adjusted to a life without your own children- and now you are grieving the new life you made and need to give yourself time to process that and not expect yourself to transform into Mary Poppins with a psychiatry qualification. It is a really difficult situation and you are really brave to reach out for advice.
Could you put a tv in your bedroom- even a chair or sofa to chill on? Needing time in your own is understandable and maybe DH could help facilitate that?
Could you do a class of some kind? Maybe something arty and relaxing? September is looming and so Adult Ed courses will be enrolling.
Good luck 💐

@Toober You dont have to love her, she's not your child.

Jesus Christ, the callousness went into full overdrive in the first comment.

Do you think that children that are not yours are worth less?
Do children that are not yours deserve to be loved?
Are children that are not yours equal to your own children?
If a child is not yours, are they less of a person?

Maybe get a grip, she's lost her mum and you are sobbing over having to share your house with a nearly adult for a couple of years. She isn't a small child who can't be left alone, there's no reason you can't go on weekends away etc. By college age I was pretty independent and my parent's went away without me. I think you are being rather dramatic and very me me me, you shouldn't have got with someone who already had children if you weren't willing to accept the possibility that one day they could decide to live with their dad. Obviously she has had the decision made for her in terrible circumstances, you seem to be massively lacking in empathy, whether you like/wanted children, on a human level surely you realise you are acting self centred here?

She's nearly an adult and will likely be completely moved out in 5 years tops, it really is temporary.

Step mum here, I too took on two pre-teens, their mum was ill and hasn't really stepped up since. It was hard but I did feel compassion for them and some how we rubbed along ok. It wasn't always easy on both sides. Now they are adults with children of their own and we are an extended family who love each other, I would say my life is enriched by them and the grand children.

Things I would recommend

• carve out time for yourself, go away for a night/weekend/week.
• stop trying to be a mum and be a friend, we are all different, so it is ok to be chalk and cheese.
• do something just with her, you must be able to find some common ground.
• have a hobby that get you out of the house gym/class or anything really.
• can she go to grandparents, an aunt or a friend on odd occasions to give you time together. Still go out for a night together.

Best of luck, don't give up on your marriage too quickly,

That is ridiculous. Only a step parent would understand what the poster is meaning when she says she doesn’t have to love her.

You absolutely cannot just take two people who are virtual strangers and command that they love each other just because one is a child.

The child deserves care and a safe space in her step parent but to demand that she must love the child is exactly why step parents have such a hard time in life thinking that there is something wrong with them when they don’t automatically love another woman’s child. Get over yourself.

As a childless woman, I think being a step parent is such a shitty deal for so many step parents, but I'm sorry OP, you should have thought about that before inserting yourself into a life of a child that never asked you to be a part of it.

You don't have to love her like she's you own child. I think you need to pull yourself together as she's not going to be living with you forever.

I've even discussed with my husband whether I should see if I can take antidepressants for two years to try to cope

I'd like to read your response as genuine, but it feels like you are emotionally pressuring your husband to do what, I'm not sure. Are you expecting him to say 'Ok, I hear you. I think I should put you first and send my daughter away to boarding school'?? No doubt this would suit you.

If you find it that bad, don't medicate yourself - move out and rent somewhere local. Just say you need your own space for a while. Your step daughter will probably quite enjoy having some more concentrated time with her Dad after so many years of living away.