Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

I would hope that you can figure out some empathy for a child who has lost a parent and use that power you making an effort to rub along.

you dont have to love her, but you not generate any feelings for a child that is part of your husband, teens are are hard work no doubt. But it’s not forever, if honestly start seeing a therapist and work out your schedule to carve out alone time each day to decompress.

I’m sorry but you can’t continue thinking that once she’s at university everything will get better. She will still presumably be home for holidays and maybe she’ll need somewhere to stay when she’s finished.

You married a man with a daughter. But clearly he spent a lot of time with you before her mum died almost acting like she didn’t exist and compartmentalising his life. That’s on him. But he was and will always be her dad.

You have to either accept this is your life for the foreseeable and recognise that her dad needs to prioritise her needs. Or you need to leave.

Yes you are trying to build a relationship with her at the most difficult age but the man you married was never as ‘free’ as he wanted you to believe. Or you wanted to believe. And a lot of the relationship building should have been done much earlier.

A daughter is a father's first love. The sooner you realise this, the better it will help you to understand that she will always come first. Where is the empathy for a young girl who has lost her mother. I don't think you come across well suited to a family man. Perhaps it's time to leave.

OP isn't used to children I suspect her step child is only behaving like a teenage girl whose mother has recently died. Of course she is unsettled and unhappy. Not only has her mother died she is now forced to live with the father she doesn't know well and her stepmother who clearly doesn't like her away from her home town and her friends. She is suffering much more than OP. I feel very sorry for her.
OP I don't know the answer other than to say that life with children is a completely different life. I would aways advise people not to get involved with someone with children unless they are prepared to possibly have them live with you. But that's too late for you.

The children should always come first. If you are very unhappy and don't see your self as ever becoming a loving role model for your husband's child I think you should probably accept that your marriage is over.

I've been in a similar situation. It is very hard, and I do sympathise. My advice is

Don't try to be a parent. Be a friendly and interested adult. Let your husband do the parenting, and in particular, have any difficult conversations.

It's not likely to be for very long even if it seems that way. A couple of years will pass quickly.

Make time for you and your husband and go out with friends and family and have a good moan about it with them. Try to do something occasionally with the three of you, but don't push it.

@summershere99 It's completely different having a young adult in the house though. Judging by our experience with DD (21), they don't need looking after much and tbh, many students don't come home for long periods. For the past two summers, for example DD has mainly stayed in her university town working and doing research. We visit her instead!

Your DH needs to step in and put her straight. Being bereaved doesn't give her the right to be rude.

I think if you can't find love and pity for your DSD it might help to frame your time as a family as a way of expressing love to your husband...though he must be the main parent.

His daughter desperately needs stability and must be very frightened about her place in the world...hard enough to be 16 without serious bereavement. All those happy times are your bank to draw from whilst your husband parents...I'd want to join him in that endeavour and not see DSD as competition but part of his identity. Best of luck 🍀

It's different to be compassionate and then sharing a life/house with someone you dont like without having any choice.

Two things can be true. Your step daughter has had the worst thing imaginable happen to her AND you don’t want to be a Mum to her.

You are allowed to divorce for any reason you wish. Only you can decide if you can live with the consequences of that decision.

I don’t know what the answer is for you but I do not judge you for hating the life you now have. I feel sorry for all of you.

OP hates someone she doesn’t love living in her home. Imagine being 16 and bereaved and feeling the same, but being powerless to do anything about it.

OP you are an adult. Move out, you have the finances and autonomy to do it. She doesn’t. You should do you both a favour and go. You say you feel awful for your step daughter and guilty that you dislike her existence in your life. Time to prove it and bow out gracefully.

She will go eventually if you don’t but as a decent human you shouldn’t sit back and wait for her time with her father to run down so you can resume your lovely life - think what that will do to her….

At 16, she can be left for at least an evening, and with time, as she becomes more settled, overnight. In two years, she will be an adult, even if she cannot or does not want to fully leave, the more flexible life can return. In an otherwise solid long term relationship, two difficult years is nothing.

In amongst the nasty posts on here, there are some great posts about not trying to be her mum. She had and lost, her mum and doesn't need someone trying to play act that part. It is perfectly fair to set ground rules about how to treat the house and you but walking out and abandoning her now, ending your marriage because of her would be cruel.

I don’t think that’s necessarily true. I know lots of men that prioritise their relationship with partner as well as loving their children. Otherwise how do you explain so many absent fathers?

So grateful when people come on and tell the truth. I’m a Mum of several children but fuck me it’s hard and I can’t wait until they’re all grown 😂

My advice, first and foremost, is to step away from AI. Honestly, I wish MN would crack down on the use of AI.

Otherwise, I would say you need to accept the situation as it is or end your marriage. Longing for what was, what could have been, etc. is a waste of time and emotional energy. So choose the option that will make your life the best it can be. Only you can decide whether that is remaining in your marriage and continuing to put in the effort to be a good stepmother or walking away.

It sounds like you’re depressed. Sobbing every day in the shower is not normal behaviour and clearly not sustainable. Please seek some counselling. It sounds like you have a good marriage and you love your husband- ignore those saying you should leave. Apart from anything else, think how that would make SD feel, she would think she has broken up her dad’s marriage, or that not only has her mum left her, you are leaving her too.

Can you seek out any support groups in real life? More importantly give yourself a break, it really sounds like you are trying your best in a very difficult situation.

Just hang in there. Another couple of years snd she will be at uni much of the time and worming and hanging out with friends in the holidays

Whether by your husband or by you, she needs to be sat down and told that being rude is not on. She's too old to be a brat and anyway, it will not serve her well in life to think she can get away with treating people like that. Why should you have to seek out things that involve spending less time in your own home because she can't be decent? No reason. Your husband should be laying down the law about not being rude. Talk to him about talking to her, and if he's a wet lettuce about it then you'll have to do it yourself.

NOT THE SAME but I felt similar when we got a puppy. I would literally cry in the bathroom and thought we had ruined our lives.

Not to be flippant as obviously a sudden full time step daughter is a Much Bigger Deal, but I think it’s very normal to feel strong negative emotions, panic and depression at big sudden changes in our lives that we perceive as reducing our freedom/an intrusion etc.

You have had lots of good advice regarding carving out time to ensure you have a taste of your old life, date nights, weekends away etc. And I agree that divorce isn’t the right option at all. You have a happy marriage and a husband you love and presumably your marriage vows covered sticking together through challenges!

And I bet that just the passing of time will also help massively…and unlike my puppy, the passing of time for you will actually result in the issue going away, it’s just a few years and she’ll be at uni! Whereas I am stuck with my dog for 15 years (if I am lucky, because I made a complete recovery from my puppy blues and love her to bits now and miss her whenever she isn’t around!).

Something that helps me when I am catastrophising and taking life very seriously, is realising that I also have the option to find the humour (even if it’s black humour) in the situation. If you don’t take their annoyances too seriously, teenagers can be very funny!

This is an opportunity to strengthen the bond that you and your DH have by showing you can approach life with good grace and humour even where it’s not going exactly as you had planned. As a wise PP said, compared to life’s potential curveballs, this is minor!

@FloralGreen my suggestion here is counselling.

I think that, if I had been in your position, I’d have struggled too. It’s not ‘just’ the live. It’s not having had the opportunity to kearn as the child grows. Before having children, I would have had no idea what to do with a teen tbh.

what I get is that you’d like to keep both your marriage and your dsd ‘intact’. As in your want the best fur both. Your marriage thriving and dsd getting the care she needs and wants.
Thats where my advice of counselling comes in. Not to teach you to get along or work through your feelings with her but to understand what it is you want. What you really waht. It’s much easier to take a decision when you have clarity!

The idea of you getting a flat nearby isn’t ‘too much’. I’d say it’s a pretty reasonable possibility from what you’ve told us so far. Please don’t dismiss tyat.
Your dsd is also a teen so I imagine able to stay at home one evening fur a day at the weekend. Why not organising some time alone fir you and your dh wo her?
Does she have grand parents, cousins? I’m thinking in particular on her mum side. I imagine your dh is tryimg to encourage contact at on that side of her family. You could use time she is seeing her maternal side of the family to go away just the two of you.

And then there is her behaviour. What you’re describing isn’t normal teenage behaviour (nor is most of what you see on MN. Thars why people are posting!) and is hard to deal with fir anyone.
There is a question there around how to deal with her behaviour. Fur her ofc. But also a much more settled teen will be so much easier to Luve with!

Stepmother of 3 decades here. I also had them move in full time and out again while small, then as teenagers and later moving back in for uni. My one DSD has had serious addiction issues and repeated psychosis so it has not been a walk in the park. I have no children of my own. A few thoughts:

1. Of course you won’t love her like your child. You need to build a relationship with her and treat her with the compassion that any caring adult would. No one expects more than that from you. Think of your role as that of an aunt.
2. Ask your DH if he can spend every Saturday or Sunday with her. Dad and daughter time and you get some downtime. This could take some pressure off.
3. Accept that for a few years you will have to make some compromises. You are not the priority here, but you are the adult.
4. If you cannot put her needs about yours for 24 months then yes, you should leave.

It’s hard but perfectly doable if you want to be with your husband long term. That is what you need to decide.

Can you not try to develop feelings for your step daughter. I used to dislike my father in law but once I began to think if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have my darling husband who I love to bits. Thinking like this helped enormously. 2 years is not very long and this child has lost a mother, how awful for her.

I really do empathise @FloralGreenbecause this isn’t exactly the life you chose and wanted.

If you’re feeling like this then maybe it is the right thing to end the marriage. Have you tried therapy to help process this and manage the adjustment?

Even if she goes off to uni it will still be her home, she could be at home more than uni which is the case for lots of families. Uni holidays are long and kids come home.

Don’t let her be one of the ones who feels like she can’t.

I know you said she was difficult before her mum died but she’s now a kid who has lost her primary carer as a child and that will have a massive impact and will affect her for her whole life now.

I have said many many times before that people need to be really careful before getting into relationships where there are children on either side. Really get to know the child, be committed to that child as much as you are to your marriage. If you can’t do that, then it’s not the relationship for you.

When meeting someone with children it should always be recognised that for many reasons, they could end up living with you full time. She may have fallen out with her mum or her mum could have gone off and left her with you.
Whilst this is a significant event, it’s not a completely unpredictable scenario.

I'm sorry OP, it's a huge change and you must feel like your life has been turned completely upside down. It's easy to say you should have thought about this possibility when you started dating a man with DC, but you can't turn back time and you're not the first or last woman to fall in love without considering every eventuality.

Unfortunately teenagers are quite often difficult. This child has been through one of the most traumatic things a child can experience, and then an enormous upheaval of the live she's always known, which is only going to exacerbate any difficult teenage behaviour. She's not a monster, she's a traumatised child. She needs her dad more than ever, and he needs to put her first.

You can't switch on magical feelings of maternal love and nobody should expect you to. What you do need to do is treat the child with kindness, patience and empathy. If you can't do that then yes you need to move out.

It might still be that moving out is the best thing for you, you sound desperately unhappy. Step-parenting is tough at the best of times and this situation is far from the best of times. Although moving out is obviously a drastic option.

Can you step back a bit and try and bring some positivity back into your own life? There's nothing wrong with not wanting to take on a full time parenting role for a child you've barely known until now. You should support her and her father but you don't need to be available to them 24/7, in fact it would probably be beneficial for them to spend some time together just the two of them.

Being this burnt out and unhappy isn't sustainable and it can't be positive for your DH or DSD either.

The things you used to love about your old life, can you do any of these alone or with friends? Can you go on holidays or day trips with your friends, or solo travel? Do you have female friends you can go for dinner with?

You sound really overhwhelmed. Do you have your own space, and time to yourself? I'd be making sure I had a room in the house that was just mine - for relaxing, reading or watching TV. I'd also make sure I have enough time to myself to see friends, go to the gym and unwind. Do you have family or friends you could stay with for a few days just to get some breathing space?

I think @AtlasPine has made some very good suggestions.

I also think that you are grieving, too, in a way: grieving for the future you had planned and that is no longer feasible, and the loss of the life you had as a childfree couple. And I wonder if you would benefit from counselling/therapy to work through this. It's a massive change.

While this is a huge adjustment to your life, it won't be for ever. As your SD gets older, and as she processes her grief, she will become more independent. She will start to go out and have a social life of her own. And at 16, there's no reason why you and your DH can't go out for evenings, even the occasional overnight or weekend away.

Your SD may well be off to college in two years time, or go travelling, or get a job in another part of the country. It would be beyond sad to end a good marriage for the sake of a couple of years.

It might also be worth considering therapy as a family, but I have no idea if that would be appropriate for a teen who's recently bereaved. Hopefully someone more knowledgeable can advise.