Deciding what house to be at

[Brunolarge]

My 15 year old ds has regularly stayed overnight at his dads for many years on a really set in stone kind of arrangement which has been eow and mid week.

he asked me the other night at what age can he decide if he no longer wants to sleep at his dads house which did not come as a big surprise to be honest as he shares a room with his step sister…it is stud wall partitioned but he doesn’t have much privacy and my ex has 3 other children I think it is a pretty manic household so I can see why he has a preference to where he wants to be.

I don’t know how to handle this really as I think it’s important he stays at his dads house as his dad will find it quite hurtful after all these years if he doesn’t and also me and my husband have got used to the child free nights mainly for some privacy more than anything as having a teenager who goes to bed late etc can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming
we have been used to our ‘couple’ time rightly or wrongly

any tips on how to navigate this please? I don’t want him to feel like he is forced to go but at the same time I think it’s important he does still maintain overnights at his dads house.

I should add I live with my husband and he has 2 children who stay with us at weekends so we are living as a blended family as best as we can

You obviously wouldn’t tell your son that this was the final straw, just that you’ve decided to separate.
I think he would LOVE it if he had one home and one bedroom and just lived with his mum, and no step dad who doesn’t seem to like him much kicking him out every weekend. I think this would be better for him and his exams than his current schedule!

it would have taken him so much courage to ask you this please listen to him he’s only a child once.

if your husband is really that great you can get back together in five years and do retirement together

To be honest when my dd at 12 said she no longer wanted to go to her fathers house, it didn’t cross my mind that we should talk her out of it/force her to go against her wishes for our own benefits. They still have a relationship but at mine/out/on holidays. It has meant that I couldn’t have a bloke over, but that’s ok, she comes first, and I’ll wait till she’s at uni.

I feel sorry for your child that you’re putting your husband’s wants over your son. Sorry; but you’re bang out of order. You may find in the future your son will limit contact when you’re making it so obvious your husband comes before your son.

Listen to yourself and put your child first. He’s sharing a room with a girl. Poor child.

How selfish that your DH (& you?) feel entitled to have child free evenings every week. You know that's not 'normal' don't you?

Genuinely, just think about that.
How many parents have child free evenings that often and are really happy about it?
So much so that even when a nearly grown DC asks not to stay in suboptimal accommodation, on any measure, and then the step parent says 'no'

I mean, he really is a selfish cunt (and I really hate that word).

In my experience, teenagers usually hang out in their room or with their mates so it's hardly 'active' parenting with well brought up DC. Also you can still go out for a meal etc without him if you want

Your son should be your priority.
Your husband doesn't sound great.

My son is my priority but I need to try and keep everyone happy in this situation. I can’t see that will be possible and I will of course but my ds first.
I have a great relationship with my son and no one will ever change that

You don’t need to try and keep everyone happy op.

You and your husband sound really selfish OP. Putting your childfree couple time above your son. What do you think parents who are still together do - their kids live with them 100% of the time. I think I’ve heard it all now. Unbelievable.

I don’t think it’s being selfish. We have had child free nights regularly since we met and always said that we can be a balanced blended family because of that. But I have explained to him that things can change and the kids come first

It is selfish op because it is what you wanted but not what your son wanted. That makes it selfish.

If the room is separated with a stud wall then he doesn’t share a room with his stepsister, does he? They’ve put a stud wall up so he has his own space.

Just seems like an unnecessarily negative framing to say they share.

Anyway, can’t you suggest he switches to every other weekend? It’s still important that he sees his dad sometimes.

I would suggest to your son that he maybe keeps the mid week night at dads but reduce the weekends to one night. The mid week one may have to go if it starts affecting his studies.

I love my DP but I would tell him where to go if he said DD10 couldn't live with us full time

Why do you need to try to keep everyone happy?

Your son definitely shouldn't be sharing a room with his step sister at his age anyway!

My son hasn’t said he doesn’t want to go at all like never just cut back slightly which I do understand. He currently goes eow and Wednesday nights
it’s my husbands children that are here every weekend

It’s not unusual for contact arrangements to change when children reach mid-teens. However, if it means they then stay with you 100%, it may be time to revisit house rules.
Such as DS helping with chores, rules about what time he gets in from evenings out, screen time limits, meal times (eating with family or not).

There is also a tendency when DCs aren’t with a parent every day for things to be allowed to slide. Could it be that your DH wants some breaks because when your DS is here you run around after him all the time? (I may be wide of the mark here so apologise).

Yeah that’s probably why….i wouldn’t say I run round anymore for my son than he does for his children though
I guess

It doesn't sound balanced at all. It sounds like your son is bottom of the pile for your husband.

My son is my priority but I need to try and keep everyone happy in this situation.

do you not understand op that these two things can’t be true at once? You are saying ‘my son is my priority’ but you are meaning ‘my priority is keeping my husband happy’

I think a lot of these comments are actually quite presumptuous about your husband just wanting a shag when your son isn’t there. Maybe they are correct, but as a stepmum it would be a shock and change to the routine if my stepson decided to stay with us full time and yes I would find it difficult for a few reasons regarding my privacy and downtime - not because I want to be at it all the time with my husband 😂 it can be hard living with a teenager who is not biologically yours (and before I get a brigade of stepparent haters- I know it is probably hard for him too!)
I wouldn’t push against it happening, but I would expect my DH to put some boundaries in place eg ‘DS, you’re more than welcome here when you want of course but me and DH have made a tradition of a Wednesday date night at home so this will continue’ so your DH still has a night to watch what he wants on TV with you or whatever, and that you’ll be having a lie in so need quiet and won’t be making everyone breakfast on a Sunday morning or something. More than anything just to show your DH that you’re thinking of him too, especially with it being his house.
Apologies if I’ve missed any details - I didn’t read the full thread!

Why is it okay for your husband's kids to stay every weekend but not your son??

I think because my son is here through the week