Page 2 | Deciding what house to be at

Brunolarge · 2026-06-17T09:49:40+00:00

My 15 year old ds has regularly stayed overnight at his dads for many years on a really set in stone kind of arrangement which has been eow and mid week. he asked me the other night at what age can he decide if he no longer wants to sleep at his dads house which did not come as a big surprise to be honest as he shares a room with his step sister…it is stud wall partitioned but he doesn’t have much privacy and my ex has 3 other children I think it is a pretty manic household so I can see why he has a preference to where he wants to be. I don’t know how to handle this really as I think it’s important he stays at his dads house as his dad will find it quite hurtful after all these years if he doesn’t and also me and my husband have got used to the child free nights mainly for some privacy more than anything as having a teenager who goes to bed late etc can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming we have been used to our ‘couple’ time rightly or wrongly any tips on how to navigate this please? I don’t want him to feel like he is forced to go but at the same time I think it’s important he does still maintain overnights at his dads house. I should add I live with my husband and he has 2 children who stay with us at weekends so we are living as a blended family as best as we can

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Original poster

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 12:58

I have to admit I wasn’t happy with how the conversation went with my oh but I kind of expected it. I did say if his children wanted to live here and not their mums then it wouldn’t be fair to say no but he said that would never happen because their mum wouldn’t allow it.
i don’t see that the two situations are the same though
do I stand firm on this and it be a hill to die on….I could threaten to move out to my own place but I know this would be the beginning of the end

OP posts:

SecretSquirrelSect · 19/06/2026 12:58

Most parents don't get 'couple time' on a regular basis, do they? Your DH is the one who needs to be the grown up here.

Your ds is 15 and expressing his wishes. He wants to be settled and have privacy and not share a bedroom with a female step sibling (which tbh sounds inappropriate).

If you do not facilitate your ds preferences, you run the risk of harming both your relationship with his dad but also with you.

Twasasurprise · 19/06/2026 13:01

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 12:58

I have to admit I wasn’t happy with how the conversation went with my oh but I kind of expected it. I did say if his children wanted to live here and not their mums then it wouldn’t be fair to say no but he said that would never happen because their mum wouldn’t allow it.
i don’t see that the two situations are the same though
do I stand firm on this and it be a hill to die on….I could threaten to move out to my own place but I know this would be the beginning of the end

It would be the end for me. Not just the beginning of it.

kirinm · 19/06/2026 13:04

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 12:58

I have to admit I wasn’t happy with how the conversation went with my oh but I kind of expected it. I did say if his children wanted to live here and not their mums then it wouldn’t be fair to say no but he said that would never happen because their mum wouldn’t allow it.
i don’t see that the two situations are the same though
do I stand firm on this and it be a hill to die on….I could threaten to move out to my own place but I know this would be the beginning of the end

is it your husbands house?

Original poster

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:07

the Mortgage is in his sole name but we have lived there for 4/5 years…

OP posts:

Original poster

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:08

We have always had nights with no kids though whilst I understand this is a luxury most parents don’t get….it is what we have come used to and my oh doesn’t want this to change

OP posts:

WeetabixForDinner · 19/06/2026 13:13

My 15 year old is similar, although his arrangement has always been EOW, so not quite as involved in that respect. My son's Dad has no other children, but he just doesnt feel as comfortable there and he also doesn't have access to his friends, hes described his Dad as a stranger. I am finding it more difficult, more expensive and it means I don't get any respite, but DS has made a decision and his needs continue to trump my own! So basically, you accept it and get on with it.

kirinm · 19/06/2026 13:14

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:08

We have always had nights with no kids though whilst I understand this is a luxury most parents don’t get….it is what we have come used to and my oh doesn’t want this to change

Well tough! Things do change all the time when you have kids.

kirinm · 19/06/2026 13:15

Are separated parents inherently selfish? Most parents don’t get ‘respite’ for goodness sake. Perhaps don’t have kids if you can’t manage a full week with them.

ChickenBananaBanana · 19/06/2026 13:27

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:08

We have always had nights with no kids though whilst I understand this is a luxury most parents don’t get….it is what we have come used to and my oh doesn’t want this to change

Poor pumpkin will just have to have a wank

outerspacepotato · 19/06/2026 13:40

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 11:44

Had a chat with my husband last night and he was not all for the idea to be honest. He said it’s important he stays at his dads as we need our couple/alone time and that he only doesn’t want to go because there are younger siblings and he doesn’t have his own space/gaming set up like he does at our house. Now I feel conflicted 😔 my son hasn’t made a massive issue out of his just expressed that he has a preference over which house he sleeps at and I do think his younger brother drives him mad

Your husband is being a selfish ass.

It's not the two of you can't go out and have couple time. Be creative.

Your son has little privacy there and shares a partitioned room and there's other kids. Your husband's two kids come to yours on weekends.

Do what's best for your son, not your husband's and your's sex life and your ex husband's feelings and pick your kid.

Original poster

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:46

This will rock the boat massively though if I stand my ground. His children share a room when they visit (same sex) as my son has the third bedroom at our house albeit it the box room he does ovbiously prefer it at my house because most of the time he is the only kid.

I dont feel confident enough to stand my ground on this as I fear it could be the end of our marriage and would turn my life upside down. With my ds being at such a point school wise I don’t want to cause disruption and he would feel guilt if he knew it was because of him.

I really just don’t know what to do for the best

OP posts:

outerspacepotato · 19/06/2026 14:05

Your husband had to know this was always a possibility. Just as his kids might choose to or have to live with him full time.

If you think having your 15 year old living with you full time for a few years is marriage ending, then it's not a great marriage to begin with. He doesn't give a shit about your kid and expects you to put his dick over your kid.

NameChangeAgain48 · 19/06/2026 14:06

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 12:58

I have to admit I wasn’t happy with how the conversation went with my oh but I kind of expected it. I did say if his children wanted to live here and not their mums then it wouldn’t be fair to say no but he said that would never happen because their mum wouldn’t allow it.
i don’t see that the two situations are the same though
do I stand firm on this and it be a hill to die on….I could threaten to move out to my own place but I know this would be the beginning of the end

Why do you need to threaten anything? What sort of relationship do you have? If you need to throw out ultimatums your relationship is already fucked.

You say ah DS has decided not to sleep at his dad's tonight. I can't force him. He'll be going from 4 - 9. Fancy a bunk up.

ChickenBananaBanana · 19/06/2026 14:56

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:46

This will rock the boat massively though if I stand my ground. His children share a room when they visit (same sex) as my son has the third bedroom at our house albeit it the box room he does ovbiously prefer it at my house because most of the time he is the only kid.

I dont feel confident enough to stand my ground on this as I fear it could be the end of our marriage and would turn my life upside down. With my ds being at such a point school wise I don’t want to cause disruption and he would feel guilt if he knew it was because of him.

I really just don’t know what to do for the best

It'll be the end of your marriage? He sounds like an absolute prince op.

kirinm · 19/06/2026 15:04

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:46

This will rock the boat massively though if I stand my ground. His children share a room when they visit (same sex) as my son has the third bedroom at our house albeit it the box room he does ovbiously prefer it at my house because most of the time he is the only kid.

I dont feel confident enough to stand my ground on this as I fear it could be the end of our marriage and would turn my life upside down. With my ds being at such a point school wise I don’t want to cause disruption and he would feel guilt if he knew it was because of him.

I really just don’t know what to do for the best

If wouldn’t because of your son. It would be because your husband is a dick.

It sounds like you’re afraid of your husband.

Duvetdayforme · 19/06/2026 15:06

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:46

This will rock the boat massively though if I stand my ground. His children share a room when they visit (same sex) as my son has the third bedroom at our house albeit it the box room he does ovbiously prefer it at my house because most of the time he is the only kid.

I dont feel confident enough to stand my ground on this as I fear it could be the end of our marriage and would turn my life upside down. With my ds being at such a point school wise I don’t want to cause disruption and he would feel guilt if he knew it was because of him.

I really just don’t know what to do for the best

You do know what to do. You choose your son.

Whatado · 19/06/2026 15:10

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 12:38

Don’t know what to do for the best to please everyone

Simple when it's an adults wants over a childs needs. Child comes first.

14/15 is when dd overnights stopped really. She was on a sofa or sharing a double bed with her step sister so there was no question of saying no.

His primary residence is with you.

Tough shit what you dh wants. Want wild sex do what most married people with kids do book a hotel.

MadMazie · 19/06/2026 15:12

ChickenBananaBanana · 19/06/2026 13:27

Poor pumpkin will just have to have a wank

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I feel very sorry for your husband if you think quality time with your partner is interchangeable with a wank.

Skybluepinky · 19/06/2026 15:19

Really you would prioritise your couple time over your child that came before your hubby!

whippersnapper55 · 19/06/2026 15:30

Sorry but your children's comfort should always trump your new husbands need for 'couple's time'. Your son doesn't want to go and sleep at his dad's, with good reason. Don't make him go, purely for your own selfish reasons.

ChickenBananaBanana · 19/06/2026 15:33

MadMazie · 19/06/2026 15:12

I feel very sorry for your husband if you think quality time with your partner is interchangeable with a wank.

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MN should really bring back the laugh react 😂😂

whippersnapper55 · 19/06/2026 15:35

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:46

This will rock the boat massively though if I stand my ground. His children share a room when they visit (same sex) as my son has the third bedroom at our house albeit it the box room he does ovbiously prefer it at my house because most of the time he is the only kid.

I dont feel confident enough to stand my ground on this as I fear it could be the end of our marriage and would turn my life upside down. With my ds being at such a point school wise I don’t want to cause disruption and he would feel guilt if he knew it was because of him.

I really just don’t know what to do for the best

Sorry OP but if you really think your OH would end the marriage if you don't allow your son to stay in his own home when he wants, it's a shit relationship and you and your son should leave anyway.

ForDreamyMintHare · 19/06/2026 15:36

Brunolarge · 19/06/2026 13:46

This will rock the boat massively though if I stand my ground. His children share a room when they visit (same sex) as my son has the third bedroom at our house albeit it the box room he does ovbiously prefer it at my house because most of the time he is the only kid.

I dont feel confident enough to stand my ground on this as I fear it could be the end of our marriage and would turn my life upside down. With my ds being at such a point school wise I don’t want to cause disruption and he would feel guilt if he knew it was because of him.

I really just don’t know what to do for the best

Massive red flags on your husband's response. Parents who stay married don't get couple time each week and it's rather horrifying that you'd put this above your son.

MostlyHappyMummy · 19/06/2026 15:40

your poor son
Don't you feel even remotely like a bad parent for putting your husband before your child?