Deciding what house to be at

[Brunolarge]

My 15 year old ds has regularly stayed overnight at his dads for many years on a really set in stone kind of arrangement which has been eow and mid week.

he asked me the other night at what age can he decide if he no longer wants to sleep at his dads house which did not come as a big surprise to be honest as he shares a room with his step sister…it is stud wall partitioned but he doesn’t have much privacy and my ex has 3 other children I think it is a pretty manic household so I can see why he has a preference to where he wants to be.

I don’t know how to handle this really as I think it’s important he stays at his dads house as his dad will find it quite hurtful after all these years if he doesn’t and also me and my husband have got used to the child free nights mainly for some privacy more than anything as having a teenager who goes to bed late etc can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming
we have been used to our ‘couple’ time rightly or wrongly

any tips on how to navigate this please? I don’t want him to feel like he is forced to go but at the same time I think it’s important he does still maintain overnights at his dads house.

I should add I live with my husband and he has 2 children who stay with us at weekends so we are living as a blended family as best as we can

The marriage wasn't going to work anyway, if the man puts his sex life above the needs of your child.

Man Vs. your child isn't even a question.

Show your son that he has a secure, safe home where he is wanted and that he is your priority. If that means divorce, fine.

"he would feel guilt if he knew it was because of him."

It wouldn't be because of him, it's would be because your husband is a selfish dick head.

At this age, your son comes first. Like it or not. His father's house sounds chaotic and your son has clearly been downgraded since his father decided to make another family.

You do not need to feel caught in the middle. Having to people-please your own DH is a huge red flag. Since when did he get to decide what's best for your son?

Your home is your son’s home and he should be allowed there every night if he wants. Your step-children equally might start staying every night. If the adults aren’t happy with that, you should not have moved in together.

This is why blended families rarely work for everyone especially the children

Same issue with my 14yr old. As much as I enjoy the break when she’s at her dad’s, it didn’t cross my mind to put my needs above hers, so she spends 24hrs every 2-3 weeks there now. I figure I’m the one who chose to be a parent, so I need to just get on and parent 🤷🏻‍♀️

What to do for the best? Choose your son. Support his choices. That’s always for the best. Can you imagine the damage of being told you aren’t wanted in your own home?

You prioritise your son. It's very simple. If you want couple time, go out for date nights when your son is there

Does DS ever get a weekend at home without other kids?

sounds like your SK are EOW when you have DS?

if so, bloody hell why do ppl do this to their kids - it’s not like full time siblings in the house.

Does he get downtime?

Just read your other threads, OP.

Not only are you prioritising your husband over your son, but a coke addict who risked your home, at that.

Get this man out of your sons life.

Jesus. It gets worse.

leave him OP. Concentrate on your son

When my DDs got to teenage they started to see their dad less as often they had stuff on with friends and he lived an hour away and wouldn’t/couldn’t drive to get them. it started of where the eow plan stayed in place and they just missed weekends when they had plans. Then it dropped to once a month but was still occasionally missed. At 18 they went to uni and it stopped completely, they now see him 4/5 times a year.
He’s absolutely at an age where he can choose not to go if he wants to and it’s disappointing you are in a situation where you don’t get autonomy due to living in someone else’s house.
Do you own a house, do you have somewhere to go if you lose this relationship? I would not feel comfortable if I was dependent on living with someone who expects to call the shots without a back up plan.
maybe say to your ds that you, exdp and DS can discuss it when he’s 16, but also mention to your ex that DS is getting increasingly unhappy with sharing a room. In terms of gaming, does he have a handheld device he can take? This gives you a bit of time to plan what this will look like long term.

Your son has made his wishes quite clear, go with those wishes. Your husband is a twat. It's your son's home too.

He is being really selfish! Your son's needs come first. He doesn't have privacy. Is your house his home or not?

No my husbands kids are here every weekend and my son goes to his dads eow.
I would be able to start over and get a private rent or move to my parents temporarily.

Then how are you getting privacy when your don is at his dad’s?

Your husband is a selfish cunt!

You need to prioritise your son, especially at the age he is. If your husband doesn't see that this is the right thing to do, you're better off without him.

Your want for private time shouldn’t be a factor in this. Its part of parenting

It wouldn’t be because of your son. It would be because your husband is staggeringly selfish. Utterly vile of him to expect your son to not stay in his own home so that he can have his own time. You should want to divorce him because he’s a disgrace. As for your sons father, when he made the decision to have more children and not provide a bedroom for his son, he should have thought about his sons feelings and the consequences of that. Poor kid.

A marriage where your DH is willing to leave you over having your own DS living with you is not a marriage worth saving.

Then do that op. Better late than never.

You should absolutely die on this hill.

I agree, also it’s not normal for couples living with teens to have child free evenings unless the child wants to go out for the night. I wouldn’t put my child through that sleeping arrangement at his age it’s not safe.

a possible solution - he still goes to dad for the afternoon and dinner and dad drops him home or on of you collects him to go to sleep? (Midweek and weekends)? He only stays at dad when stepsister goes to her dads?

Your husband is a twat. Put your son first.