Daughter rejecting half sister

[Changingdemands]

My daughter is 9 from a previous relationship. (M) Has battled me for sole custody for 7 years. My position (F) is our daughter needs us both and its always been that way. Our daughter's life does not exist frok M's perspective unless its time spent with her. I support both of us attendaning at event for our daughter to no avail and my daughter is slowly realising who the blocker to a more wholesome future is.

I am now in a new relationship of 3 years with a new 8 month old daughter. My eldest daughter is now struggling, will not hold her, barely comforts her unless in view of adults. M has said she has no interest in talking to our daughter about the new circumstances - (8 month old circs!), has no interest in meeting my partner. Life still does not exist on our side of the fence.

My partner has an 8 yr old, behaviour is completely the opposite, warm and affectionate.

I wondered if others have found this.
Is it split loyalties?
Feeling of loss of me as her dad?
Just a phase?
She seems to think the baby does not like her which is not true and I wonder if she is projecting because she has to share space and her world now.

So not only does her father share a half sibling with new partner there is a step sibling who lives with them ft? Do you not think she feels supplanted and maybe her mother has to to deal with that at home, hence the focus on their time together. How much time do you spend one to one? Has your ex also moved on?

Exactly this.

How is her relationship with your partner’s child? You have a ready made family there and get to live with your new child 100%, that must be very hard for her.

What do you mean about the event?

I’m not sure why your ex would need to meet your new baby.

It’s a big thing to have a new step sibling, especially when things are difficult between parents as it is. I imagine she’s getting a lot of mixed messages from both sides. She’ll be worried about being pushed out. I would stop the pressure- don’t ask her to do anything with the baby, let it happen naturally.

I think I would take the pressure off her to hold and comfort the baby. She's too young to mind the child alone so it is just expecting her to act a part. And babies don't always cooperate and calm down, even when we are doing our best with them.

The baby won't be a baby forever and they will develop a relationship as time goes on. Meanwhile, she may feel she's being pushed "up" a level to looking after another child while she is still young enough to need to know that looking after her is your priority.

I don't think there is any point in trying to force your ex to be involved in any of this.

Is it possible you are anxious after all the talk of sole custody and putting too much pressure on your daughter to look integrated with your "side" of the family?

Don't compare her with the eight year old. Some kids love treating babies like little dolls. Some don't really get them. The baby stage passes soon enough - don't get stuck in it. It's quite possible your daughter is feeling insecure and you need to show her she is valued without making it about the others. Good luck.

She doesn't need to hold or comfort the baby, don't mention it at all.
It must be incredibly hard for her, her mother living with an unrelated man and his kid, and now a baby she will see as her replacement. Plus whatever her father is telling her.

Has she had any therapy/counselling?

So you have a tense relationship with your daughter’s mother and have now presented her with, not only a step sibling of her own age with whom you negatively compare her, but also a baby half sibling who lives with you FT and whom you expect her to ‘comfort’?

Grow up, OP. Time to put her first.

The OP is the father.

Your eldest DD feels jealous that her baby sibling gets you full time, she is holding the baby in front of adults to please you. You need to assure her that you love her exactly the same as before sibling was born. Make time for just you and her and don’t try and force the bond between her and baby. When you hold baby in front of your eldest, talk to baby about how lucky she is to have a big sister, how much you love your eldest and once she is older she will be as adored as her big sister.

My exh told our dc their new sibling wasn't a proper sibling as they were only half siblings... Also dc had a medical issue.. Exh told the dc it was because I was evil.

His poison didn't work. Could you try love bombing? Matching dsis T shirts... Tell her you hope the baby grows up as amazing and clever as her....

She’s 8. She doesn’t need to be interested in babies.
yes I’m sure she’s upset that all these adults have brought unrelated people into her life. Try putting herself in her shoes, none of this benefits her.

Other posters have pretty much covered it, but to reiterate, many children have absolutely no interest in babies, or actively dislike them (crying, pooing, weeing, taking all their parents' attention...) so I wouldn't try to make her have anything to do with the baby at this point. From a child's perspective, what's fun or exciting about a baby?

I'm also not sure why there's such a focus on wanting your ex to be involved in your life to any degree, or informed about it if she's not interested. I don't think that's necessary in order to successfully co-parent your daughter, and if your relationship breakdown was acrimonious then I don't think it's reasonable of you to want it.

How often is your daughter with you? Is it 50/50 or every other weekend?

My comment still stands regardless of the sexes. The parent should be concentrating on helping the child feel secure, wanted, confident and at home during a disruptive period in her life.
Her interactions or lack of with the new child aren't really a priority.

Your dd is obviously upset that your full attention is on your new baby and step child who live with you all the time. You only split up with her mum around 1 year before meeting and impregnating another woman.

You sound like a great dad. Just keep doing what you are doing and allow your daughter to adjust in her own time. I wouldn't ask her about holding the baby anymore. She'll get there when she's ready.

Make sure you have time with your eldest child alone. Take her to things that she enjoys, just you and her.

It's a shame her mum won't attend joint things together with you but you can't change that.

Your daughter will get there eventually, in her own time.

Your ex wife does not need to meet your new partner and your new baby. How bizarre that you think this should be a thing.

How much custody do you actually have of your daughter? How much time does she get to spend with you, her dad, alone, without you expecting her to slot into your new ready made family and perform as you feel appropriate with the new baby?

Your daughter is having a really touch time with a dysfunctional breakup of her parents and you've thrown a new baby into the mix to take more of your time away from her, and you're surprised that she isn't overjoyed?

OP, you chose this new family and you chose to have a baby. Why should your DD be interested in a baby that, from her POV, has supplanted her in your affections? And newsflash: life does not exist for your ex on your side of the fence - why on earth should it? Your ex is not remotely interested in your new partner and new baby, except insofar as it impacts on her DD. Your ex is in all probability trying to make up to your DD for what she perceives as the neglect from her father, as you seem to be all taken up with your new family and expecting your DD to “play nice” with these new people who are not in her life through her choice. Just step back and try and look at it from your DD’s perspective, rather than getting annoyed that she is not thrilled by the presence of a baby that, frankly, is simply annoying and disruptive to an eight year old.

You're pinning the difference between your daughter and your partner's daughter's reaction entirely on your child's mother - but there's a massive range in how children respond to a new sibling under any circumstances. I know people with that age gap where the older sibling adored the baby and ones where they were entirely uninterested. Both of these were 'full' siblings with no complicating family dynamics. Your daughter may not just be very fussed about babies. As long as she's not being actively unkind to her baby sister (and there's no suggestion of this in your post) this is normal and it's your expectations of an instant, almost maternal bond that were off.

@DaisiesButtercups
Where do you get that from? The op clearly states that his ex has been battling him for sole custody for 7 years. And he has been with his partner for 3 years.

It's all a bit confusing, I think that poster thinks OPs girlfriends 8yr old is OPs.

He’s been in a relationship for 3 years. 9 months pregnancy and baby is now 8 months. OP’s girlfriend got pregnant very very early into the relationship.

Mother has been seeking sole custody for 7 years. This relationship started 3 years ago. So that's 4 years...

Why on earth would your ex want to meet your new baby and girlfriend? Your new life is not her life.

Your daughter shouldn't have to hold or comfort the baby, stop pressuring her, she'll form a relationship in her own time. Even full siblings that live together 100% take time. Stop comparing her to your girlfriends daughter.

I don't get involved in my eldest sons business at his dad's beyond supporting how he feels. I wouldn't be encouraging him to interact with your baby or anything, just supporting him in how it's making him feel.

It's not your exes job to support you, it's her job to support her child... you should give it a try.

There has been a lot of change for your DD in the last 3 years. Her dad has met someone new that she has had to get used to, she then had to get used to a steb sibling the same age as herself, then dad's new girlfriend gets pregnant probably quite shortly after she had even met her and now there is a new half sibling that everyone is pushing her to love. I think you need to back off here and let her take it all in her own time. She didn't ask for any of this.