Daughter rejecting half sister

[Changingdemands]

My daughter is 9 from a previous relationship. (M) Has battled me for sole custody for 7 years. My position (F) is our daughter needs us both and its always been that way. Our daughter's life does not exist frok M's perspective unless its time spent with her. I support both of us attendaning at event for our daughter to no avail and my daughter is slowly realising who the blocker to a more wholesome future is.

I am now in a new relationship of 3 years with a new 8 month old daughter. My eldest daughter is now struggling, will not hold her, barely comforts her unless in view of adults. M has said she has no interest in talking to our daughter about the new circumstances - (8 month old circs!), has no interest in meeting my partner. Life still does not exist on our side of the fence.

My partner has an 8 yr old, behaviour is completely the opposite, warm and affectionate.

I wondered if others have found this.
Is it split loyalties?
Feeling of loss of me as her dad?
Just a phase?
She seems to think the baby does not like her which is not true and I wonder if she is projecting because she has to share space and her world now.

I've just noticed the bit where you say your daughter thinks the baby dislikes her 'which isn't true' - obviously it isn't literally true, 8 month olds don't bear malice. But if the step-daughter lives with your baby most of the time and your daughter only occasionally then it probably is the case that the baby is much more at ease with the step-daughter, which makes it particularly unfair to compare the interactions of the two older girls with their shared half-sister.

Why has your ex been battling for sole custody? It's unusual, and perhaps the reasons there would help us understand?

How much time do you currently see your DD? It's hard for a child to bond with a baby, especially if perhaps she isn't there very much.

My DD is 8; her mum and I (same-sex couple) separated a couple of years ago and I'm pregnant now; DD is very keen on babies in general and this one in particular, but I am very aware that she may sometimes have a wobble or not feel so happy. That's normal. I know loads of children her age (she's 8 too) who haven't the slightest interest in babies. Most would not want to hold or comfort a small baby - it's quite intimidating really! I mean, I am 41 and I don't feel totally comfortable holding someone else's baby all the time! You feel terrible when they cry.

The fact your DD only comforts the baby 'in view of adults' suggests she is aware that you, or someone in her life, feels she 'should' be comforting the baby and she 'should' do this when people can see. I'd try to reassure her this isn't the case. Even if they were full siblings in a totally boring nuclear family, tons of 8 year olds wouldn't want to be in quasi-parental role towards a much younger sibling.

OP your daughter might feel conflicted and confused if her mum is discouraging her from behaving like a sister to your new baby.

You can't do anything about that, if it is the case. You just need to keep calm and carry on as you are. Sometimes we have to bite our lips and trust that kids aren't stupid, they're very astute and they decide what the truth is for themselves in time.

It could also be that the baby cries when the older child is expected to comfort her or asked to hold her. IME babies a pretty aware when someone holding them isn't comfortable and/or doesn't have big enough arms for it to feel secure!

My ex has been with his now wife 20 years. I’ve never met her nor do I have any interest in meeting her. Is this another way in which I am doing life wrong?

You're doing well, op, if a woman had posted this 90% of the replies would have been berating her for daring to so much as introduce a new partner to her children before they'd been together 10 years.

As others have pointed out, your daughter has been through massive upheaval in the last 3-4 years, a lot in a short space of time and a huge chunk of her life.

It must be incredibly hard for her to see you as a family unit with her not as fully part of it (present). Don't force things with her new sibling, lots of love, lots of reassurance and give it time.

Also, she's a child, she doesn't have a responsibility to comfort the new baby.

I think you were naive to assume it would all be plain sailing and happy families now you're settled yourself, but many adults are.

Does she have her own room at yours?

I was 5 when my half sister was born and I hated her on sight. We tolerated each other but as soon as my Mother died not having to see her gave me a sense of relief. I’m sorry that’s it’s not what you want to read but some half or step siblings just won’t get on in life some full blood ones wont either. Your DD was only 2 when her parents broke up.

No mention of the circumstances of your breaking up was it mutual or acrimonious? Neither myself or older sisters ever dated anyone that already had children, it’s too complicated.

I think the OP feel it important that he and his ex. attend joint events like school things, teacher consultations etc. together for their daughter. Which would be the right thing to do but his ex. won't agree to it.

I don't think he is bothered about her meeting his new partner? Unless I missed that bit.

As others have said, it’s a lot for her to deal with. At your home there is a new(ish) step parent and step sibling, which will have been a big change for her. An infant half sibling adds even more pressure to an already difficult dynamic. Understandably, it doesn’t seem like she feels very comfortable and the way you’ve written about it makes it seem like you aren’t really seeing things from her perspective. She’s only 9, her resources and ability to deal with these types of changes will be very limited. I was a similar age when my parents had my (full) sibling. Even in a much less complex situation it was still very unsettling for me. Babies are unsettling for any one, and to be honest it’s normal for a 9 year old not to be very interested in babies even in the best of circumstances.

It’s this bit:

M has said she has no interest in talking to our daughter about the new circumstances - (8 month old circs!), has no interest in meeting my partner.

Fair enough. She doesn't have to meet the new partner but it's a shame that she isn't willing to attend joint events and school things with her daughters father.

But I do realise that she may have valid reasons and we don't know her side of things.

Your young daughter has been handed a step parent, a step sibling and a half sibling all within an extremely short time period of three years.

No wonder she’s struggling.

I wouldn’t go to fuck all with my ex coz he’s an abusive piece of shit. Maybe she’s the same .

The bond will come in time but you need to stop forcing it.

It would be nice if your ex spoke positively of you and the new baby but she doesn’t have to and you can’t expect her to if she’s an unreasonable person.

Your child has had her dad leave the home, see him less and then move in with another woman and child, so she already feels very pushed out and now her dad has a new baby and she’s going to feel very unloved (even if you haven’t intentionally done this).

The more you try and force a relationship between her and the new baby - the more you’re driving a wedge between them.

FWIW my friend is in a very similar situation.
She has 2 DDs from a previous relationship who visit on the weekend.
1 dotes on her new baby but the other one is not interested.
There is some jealousy but also babies are boring and sometimes a bit gross (especially for a tween/teen).
She probably loves the baby in her own way but she doesn’t show it and has no interested in playing with a baby - and that’s ok.

You need to make sure you’re spending 1-1 time with your daughter and make sure you’re not expecting her to play or interact with the new baby.
You need to make sure conversations don’t revolve around the baby.
She will come around in time and this gets easier once the baby becomes older and easier to engage with.

Your poor poor little girl. Her life is a bloody mess, she doesn't get to see you everyday, have dinner with you, have you read to her at bed time or to have a hug from you but the daughter of your partner does as does the new baby. Every tome your daughter arrives at your house she is walking into a life that she doesn't know her place in. She feels replaced and it is up to you to sort out, you made the situation so you need to sort it.

This child is 9 years old. Nine. I was 14 when I acquired a half sibling and I handled it really badly, worse than your daughter is doing from what you've said. That happened because I was a child thrown into a difficult situation without a fully developed brain and without sufficient coping strategies to help me.

My advice? Lower your expectations. As long as she is not doing anything that may harm or upset the baby in any way, leave her be. This, alongside ensuring that she gets plenty of 1:1 time with you, will allow her to come round and adjust in her own time.

The important parts you have missed out are how often do you see your daughter? And why does the mum want sole custody? I became a lone parent decided by the court due to dv, coercive and controlling behaviour and a person unfit to be near a child. Is it for any of those reasons?

This.
Stop expecting her to slot into your new family. Forget having all-together family time (assuming you only have her approx. every other weekend).

Your new wife, baby, and step daughter are not your daughter's family - only you are.
She may accept her half-sister in time as she grows up. But most children are not much interested in babies.
She does not have to accept or have much to do with your new wife and step daughter. She is not related to them.
Don't force her to play "happy blended family".

Focus on spending your contact time with DD one-on-one. Take her out just her and you. Your new wife must accept this.

my daughter is slowly realising who the blocker to a more wholesome future is

She is 9 years old for goodness sake, your ex wife is blocking nothing, she’s choosing not to attend events with you for her own reasons and she has that right. None of us here know the background to why your ex is choosing not to attend events with you.

M has said she has no interest in talking to our daughter about the new circumstances

Why should she? Her time spent with your child is hers, why should she speak about your “new circumstances”? Your life is not the centre of your ex wife’s world, she also has no reason to meet your new partner.

Your child’s life has been turned upside down since she was 2 as your ex has been fighting for full custody for 7 years which tells its own story that only you will know. There’s always 2 sides to a story and I don’t think we’re getting the full picture here. You’re expecting this child to accept a step sister and half sister, play happy families and slot into your new life without issues - give yourself a shake and look at the mess you’ve brought her into. Poor child, no wonder she’s struggling.

I wonder why the ex is fighting for sole custody? I’d say this to whatever sex the person was that made this post.

In a thread from 2024 the op has his daughter 50/50.

She’s 9 and you’re all presenting her with loads of new things on a constant basis and asking her to be way too grown up for her age. Your comment on ‘she’s beginning to know who’s blocking’ really raised my hackles- she’s 9, and that’s her parent, she should be shielded from some of this. Maybe you all need to slow down and start thinking of her and stop pushing her to accept all of your decisions

You have made poor choices. She’s stuck with a step sister almost her age - that’s going to make her feel excluded. And now you’ve added a baby whilst you knew dd was unhappy? Is the baby a girl or boy?

poor child, I am not surprised she is miserable. I’m kind of with your ex on this.

I’ve just read it and it tells me everything I need to know. A parent having 50/50 and instead of working towards having a decent relationship with their ex is looking at having a nanny or au pair to care for their child in their time. No wonder this child is struggling. I’d be fighting for full custody too if I was the ex under these circumstances.

Maybe. Like I wrote, we don't know her side of things.

As PPs have said, your girlfriend got pregnant very early on in the relationship. If you did not introduce DC to DD straight away she must have been practically a stranger to your DD when the baby arrived. I can imagine this is confusing for your DD and makes it hard to connect with the baby. Stop comparing her to an unrelated kid you live with. Children are not props, they have real feelings just like you do.