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Original poster

Daughter rejecting half sister

144 replies

Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 08:50

My daughter is 9 from a previous relationship. (M) Has battled me for sole custody for 7 years. My position (F) is our daughter needs us both and its always been that way. Our daughter's life does not exist frok M's perspective unless its time spent with her. I support both of us attendaning at event for our daughter to no avail and my daughter is slowly realising who the blocker to a more wholesome future is.

I am now in a new relationship of 3 years with a new 8 month old daughter. My eldest daughter is now struggling, will not hold her, barely comforts her unless in view of adults. M has said she has no interest in talking to our daughter about the new circumstances - (8 month old circs!), has no interest in meeting my partner. Life still does not exist on our side of the fence.

My partner has an 8 yr old, behaviour is completely the opposite, warm and affectionate.

I wondered if others have found this.
Is it split loyalties?
Feeling of loss of me as her dad?
Just a phase?
She seems to think the baby does not like her which is not true and I wonder if she is projecting because she has to share space and her world now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 13:47

Thanks for this

I have in fact we do not all live together for this reason so everyone has more space and the transition is slower.
My daughter and I used to do everything together, its obviously lessened to an extent and that takes time to compensate. She knows she is loved and shes not sure why shes not comfortable but that takes time to understand at my end and hers. Space has helped but not with the relationship to her half sister which has gotten worse. She is very happy to.play with her laugh and giggle, but the next step has shutdown a bit. It may be her and thats fine I'm not going to force it and see what happens over time

Thanks for your comments and much love to you for the rest of your day

OP posts:
FreshInks · 06/03/2026 13:49

Do you mean you don't live with your new baby and partner?

Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 13:51

We do not live together FT because I wanted a slow transition and yes we still spend lots of 1:1, not as much as when it was just her and I.

I agree she must feel replaced and we have had discussions to that effect but she has said she knows she is not being replaced it just feels different now

She gets on with her step sister very well, they choreograph dances and songs together, cook breakfast for us on occasion (their choice waking up to a load of bread gone and a cereal which is a mix of 5 others and milk) etc. occasional blips when they dont click but I feel thats normal if they were siblings. My brother and I were best friends by midday and enemies again by nightfall

Thanks for your comments! Appreciated

OP posts:
DaisyDoodler · 06/03/2026 13:51

Not sure why your partners ex comes round for dinner every week? I’m all for civility but I wouldn’t want to have a weekly dinner with my ex or my partners ex, and if your ex doesn’t want that then she’s probably with the majority in all fairness. Making out she’s unreasonable for not wanting that level of contact with you isn’t fair and implying to your daughter that that’s the way it should be jus undermines mum unfairly in my book.

Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 13:51

I should add, she doesnt appear to not that she would tell me but I do honestly hope she finds happiness

OP posts:
Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 13:55

Its quite good for the most part, they play choreograph songs, invite each other to playdates, I've even done playdates with my partners ex which has been really good. Like any 2 kids they have the occasional falling out usually when one wants some quiet time (my daughter - she can be snipey too which we are working on - focus on patience and space) and the other doesnt understand why (very full on and working on that too from an understanding everyone has play limits).

OP posts:
Lookskywalker · 06/03/2026 13:57

I wouldn’t do any sort of therapy or mediation with you either. There’s something making me uneasy about your posts. I’ve been a victim of coercive control and I’m sensing that vibe from you.

I could be wrong however so all the best.

Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 13:57

Sorry not meeting the baby but meeting my partner. My friends, family and 3 therapists all gave the same feedback its helpful to set ego aside, mind at rest and the child sees acceptance. I dont expect my ex has any interest in my youngest nor would I expect her to

Thanks for reply!

OP posts:
Lookskywalker · 06/03/2026 13:58

Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 13:57

Sorry not meeting the baby but meeting my partner. My friends, family and 3 therapists all gave the same feedback its helpful to set ego aside, mind at rest and the child sees acceptance. I dont expect my ex has any interest in my youngest nor would I expect her to

Thanks for reply!

You need to press “quote” to quote a reply or no one will have a clue who specifically your replies are directed to.

BestBefore2000 · 06/03/2026 14:01

@Changingdemands
I've never met my ex-husband's wife and they've been married for over 4 years. No intention of doing so. Ever.

Skybunnee · 06/03/2026 14:04

I had a sister 6 years younger than me and I really didn’t have much to do with her though we are friends now. And since we were 30s

Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:06

To put it bluntly the reasons she gave were

  1. I know 5050 is the right thing but Ill make you get it through court. - this was in court directed mediation july 2019 (We agreed in parenting and separation therapy in jan 2019 to 5050 before court having already agreed in june 2018 shoudl we split we would do 5050). When we seperated my ex left with my daughter and withheld all contact for 4 weeks. There was no infidelity / no violence on either side. It was attritious and difficult. We drifted apart having little in common and both working long hours and her father living with us for nearly 3 years by that point had led to a complete lack of conversation / intimacy etc not that he was the cause but he certainly added to it.
  1. The amount of hate and animosity I dont really understand as it serves no purpose and must be exhausting to maintain.
  1. My exs father was convicted and sentenced in the criminal court a few years later and contact was blocked to our daughter (SHPO) - the result was 2 court cases filed by my ex to remove my parental responsibilities / custody to allow a sole custodian to approve contact.
OP posts:
Lookskywalker · 06/03/2026 14:08

Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:06

To put it bluntly the reasons she gave were

  1. I know 5050 is the right thing but Ill make you get it through court. - this was in court directed mediation july 2019 (We agreed in parenting and separation therapy in jan 2019 to 5050 before court having already agreed in june 2018 shoudl we split we would do 5050). When we seperated my ex left with my daughter and withheld all contact for 4 weeks. There was no infidelity / no violence on either side. It was attritious and difficult. We drifted apart having little in common and both working long hours and her father living with us for nearly 3 years by that point had led to a complete lack of conversation / intimacy etc not that he was the cause but he certainly added to it.
  1. The amount of hate and animosity I dont really understand as it serves no purpose and must be exhausting to maintain.
  1. My exs father was convicted and sentenced in the criminal court a few years later and contact was blocked to our daughter (SHPO) - the result was 2 court cases filed by my ex to remove my parental responsibilities / custody to allow a sole custodian to approve contact.

Again. You need to press “quote”.

Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:08

I agree with you so allowing space is a double edged sword. Yes transition but less contact. The 8 month old is super easy going and smiles all the time. In fact just sunday my 9 year old had her in stitches until lunch was all over the carpet. So they do have very positive interactions.

Its a physical touch thing, maybe I'm just reading into it too much!

Thanks for your response!

OP posts:
Tommingon · 06/03/2026 14:08

Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 13:42

So to address the posts, thanks to ALL replies.

Some context. My ex does not support me at all. We were never married. I paid for her to find a place and unbeknownst to her donated 80k for her house deposit which she believes came from a close friend. I pay voluntarily for our daughters school fees and will for her next school, the alternative is my ex wishes to home school our daughter, surrogate for a need for 5 days of custody every 7 days. She has no credentials and sought to remove our daughter from a stable and nurturing small school by court order which was not given the time of day

My ex's father has a SHPO against minors, my ex wishing to put contact in place barred by criminal court and social services, was the focus of two private court proceedings she initiated.

I met my partner in Dec 2022. I split from my ex in 2018. My partner and I are nearly 40 and we both wanted more children, risk goes up, time is /was running out. My partner had an abusive ex and together we have worked on a relationship which allows a lot of free flow of conversation and my partner's daughter to see a relationship that is productive and child focused. My daughter sees that too which leads to some questions about why she cannot have that and that is hard as its not for want of trying

Our 8 month old is very happy. My 9 year old, the focus of my invitation for insights, was very close and very excited by the idea of having a sister. This behaviour of distance only began a few months ago.

Finally the man vs woman debate which jas also been raised. People are people. Men can do just as much harm as women. Its about a focus on the best rhing for the child. For the responses questioning my previous actions to have caused all this and what behaviour am I doing now thats justifying my ex's behaviour which the inference is I deserve...our relationship was not working in 2015 after 2 years together. I sought to end it, we were just not compatible. We gave it more time. It didnt work despite best efforts but really went downhill when my exs father moved in with us overnight from abroad and remained for 36months essentially preventing any earnest conversation or intimacy we may have redeveloped. He got into trouble at my daughters school a few times which I had to intervene with as my ex was scared of confronting her father.

I listen to what my daughter asks -cliche but true and im honest about what we can and cannot achieve (e.g. please can both mum and dad be at my 10th birthday (my answer has been for the last 7 years - yes she is always welcome and an invitation is extended, mothers day cards and day and mums bday is always supported - nil likewise and I dont mind that - I only post as some of the replies here have been disappointing devicive))

I take an approach to make things better and build bridges rather than undermine or seek advantage. I've never had an interest in leverage. It simply undermines any hope of future cooperation

To the question I originally asked

  1. Ive invited my ex to family therapy 3 times over the past 7 years most recently jan to may 2025 after which my ex left again. In that setting she said she has no interest in supporting or talking to our daughter about my partner, new baby or any difficulties she might be experiencing. She has no interest in meeting. She has no interest in joint activities or discussion. All fine
  1. I imagine my ex well might feel threatened but if we have no dialogue (0 we communicate via an app at her request but we do not discuss anything. If I raise a question its just ignored e.g. swap days / school kit / attendance at school trips. For this reason as an example I have triple of everything for when it gets stuck at my exs house, lost at school my daughter has what she needs. Enabling yes but a strategy that means i dont have to stress about no school shies coming back home, missing swim kit or similar.

I've had discussions specifically about not replacing anyone, my daughter was actually worried she was being replaced and was happy to find thats not the case though shes getting used to less spotlight. We are adding to a bigger family.

My partners ex comes round for dinner every Wednesday. My daughter wants that for me and her and her mum too, again my ex has no interest to support and I accept that

Hopefully that answers most criticisms and questions until I review again

Thank you to the responses adding insight. To anyone else who reads this and responsds, first thank you for your time. I realise I am likely making lots of mistakes along the way none of this is hollywood make belief. Hence reaching out for insights NOT validation or approval. This is not a pity post.
Secondly before you hit send, please ask yourself if your post is adding or subtracting. You are not just replying to me but to the community. The majority of what I've read so far is just pitching man vs woman. I've come from a home where both my parents got new partners after divorce and my brother and I didnt much care and became fiercely independent. I am now close to both sets of my parents as is my 9yr old daughter and her half sister and step sister.

You barely mention your DD in this post, you are fixated on your ex and her behaviour, this situation is not about her and has not been caused by her. Also sorry just to clarify, you invite your girlfriends abusive ex around for lunch every week?

I thinkiot is quite clean to see what the issue is here. You put all of your effort into what everyone around you is doing and little consideration into your own behaviour.

Lookskywalker · 06/03/2026 14:09

Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:08

I agree with you so allowing space is a double edged sword. Yes transition but less contact. The 8 month old is super easy going and smiles all the time. In fact just sunday my 9 year old had her in stitches until lunch was all over the carpet. So they do have very positive interactions.

Its a physical touch thing, maybe I'm just reading into it too much!

Thanks for your response!

Jesus wept. You need to press QUOTE.

DaisyDoodler · 06/03/2026 14:09

Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:06

To put it bluntly the reasons she gave were

  1. I know 5050 is the right thing but Ill make you get it through court. - this was in court directed mediation july 2019 (We agreed in parenting and separation therapy in jan 2019 to 5050 before court having already agreed in june 2018 shoudl we split we would do 5050). When we seperated my ex left with my daughter and withheld all contact for 4 weeks. There was no infidelity / no violence on either side. It was attritious and difficult. We drifted apart having little in common and both working long hours and her father living with us for nearly 3 years by that point had led to a complete lack of conversation / intimacy etc not that he was the cause but he certainly added to it.
  1. The amount of hate and animosity I dont really understand as it serves no purpose and must be exhausting to maintain.
  1. My exs father was convicted and sentenced in the criminal court a few years later and contact was blocked to our daughter (SHPO) - the result was 2 court cases filed by my ex to remove my parental responsibilities / custody to allow a sole custodian to approve contact.

Why would you have your ex’s father living with you if he’s got convictions like you allege?? This whole thread is getting weirder and weirder the more you say to be honest.

belleager · 06/03/2026 14:12

I'm not reading anything that says your daughter is rejecting the baby, really. You said she likes her when she is smiley and giggly? That is more than enough at her age. Sibling bonds build over time.

I am Irish and was used to large families with a baby in tow, growing up. The extent to which a girl your daughter's age doted on a baby has no correlation with their later relationship. Don't push it.

If the joint meal with partners ex is playing on her mind, I think I would take it as an opportunity for some one to one time with her, to be honest.

It's great that she's getting on so well with her step sister and that she gets one-on-one time with you. I really wouldn't make a big deal out of any of this. Maybe I am showing my age so just a suggestion, but I would have found all this focus on my relationship with a sibling suffocating at her age.

ACynicalDad · 06/03/2026 14:13

Have read responses, not so relevant now so edited out.

Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:14

Lookskywalker · 06/03/2026 13:58

You need to press “quote” to quote a reply or no one will have a clue who specifically your replies are directed to.

Show quote history

Thanks very much! First time here and thought I was just replying!

OP posts:
Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:15

SarahAndQuack · 06/03/2026 09:25

Why has your ex been battling for sole custody? It's unusual, and perhaps the reasons there would help us understand?

How much time do you currently see your DD? It's hard for a child to bond with a baby, especially if perhaps she isn't there very much.

My DD is 8; her mum and I (same-sex couple) separated a couple of years ago and I'm pregnant now; DD is very keen on babies in general and this one in particular, but I am very aware that she may sometimes have a wobble or not feel so happy. That's normal. I know loads of children her age (she's 8 too) who haven't the slightest interest in babies. Most would not want to hold or comfort a small baby - it's quite intimidating really! I mean, I am 41 and I don't feel totally comfortable holding someone else's baby all the time! Grin You feel terrible when they cry.

The fact your DD only comforts the baby 'in view of adults' suggests she is aware that you, or someone in her life, feels she 'should' be comforting the baby and she 'should' do this when people can see. I'd try to reassure her this isn't the case. Even if they were full siblings in a totally boring nuclear family, tons of 8 year olds wouldn't want to be in quasi-parental role towards a much younger sibling.

Thanks will give that a whirl, I had a much longer reply but didnt realise you need to hit quote so its probably a few pages on!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/03/2026 14:18

@Changingdemands - babies of that age are getting bigger and more wriggly - maybe your dd is worried that the baby will squirm out of her arms - she’s scared of dropping the baby?

Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:18

FlowerFairyDaisy · 06/03/2026 09:25

OP your daughter might feel conflicted and confused if her mum is discouraging her from behaving like a sister to your new baby.

You can't do anything about that, if it is the case. You just need to keep calm and carry on as you are. Sometimes we have to bite our lips and trust that kids aren't stupid, they're very astute and they decide what the truth is for themselves in time.

Thanks very much for this. I don't like inferring blame without burden of proof but given convos in therapy this may well be contributory and nothing can be done about it apart from staying level headed

Thanks!

OP posts:
Thingything · 06/03/2026 14:19

Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 08:50

My daughter is 9 from a previous relationship. (M) Has battled me for sole custody for 7 years. My position (F) is our daughter needs us both and its always been that way. Our daughter's life does not exist frok M's perspective unless its time spent with her. I support both of us attendaning at event for our daughter to no avail and my daughter is slowly realising who the blocker to a more wholesome future is.

I am now in a new relationship of 3 years with a new 8 month old daughter. My eldest daughter is now struggling, will not hold her, barely comforts her unless in view of adults. M has said she has no interest in talking to our daughter about the new circumstances - (8 month old circs!), has no interest in meeting my partner. Life still does not exist on our side of the fence.

My partner has an 8 yr old, behaviour is completely the opposite, warm and affectionate.

I wondered if others have found this.
Is it split loyalties?
Feeling of loss of me as her dad?
Just a phase?
She seems to think the baby does not like her which is not true and I wonder if she is projecting because she has to share space and her world now.

I can't comment on the blended family aspect, but with a fresh pair of eyes, possibly you are overthinking your ex's input and some of this can be explained by the big age gap?

Some people just don't like babies much. I'm one. My brother is 10 years younger than me and when he was born, I wasn't interested until he was old enough to walk and talk. Then I utterly and completely fell in love with him. My sister (8 at the time) was massively into babies and adored him from the beginning. I just thought it was weird there was this screaming creature in the house, found my mum breastfeeding so ick, etc.

Fast forward many years and my brother (with whom I am still very close) had a baby. We all adore this baby. My son (8 at the time) wanted nothing to do with the baby. Same thing, he just doesn't like babies. Now baby is 4 and more interesting, son loves playing with him and begs to hang out with them every weekend.

I may be wrong but it could also be you are reading into this baggage that doesn't exist as much.

Original poster
Changingdemands · 06/03/2026 14:21

Lookskywalker · 06/03/2026 09:30

My ex has been with his now wife 20 years. I’ve never met her nor do I have any interest in meeting her. Is this another way in which I am doing life wrong?

To each their own. My partner's ex did not want to meet me but also used the argument "I've never met him" to attack my partner. I met him for coffee and let him shout at me for 2 hours all the usual insecurities. We now have dinner every wednesday. I couldn't have predicted that. You're not wrong for not wanting to meet the partner at all. There are lots of routes to peace

OP posts:
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