Daughter rejecting half sister

[Changingdemands]

My daughter is 9 from a previous relationship. (M) Has battled me for sole custody for 7 years. My position (F) is our daughter needs us both and its always been that way. Our daughter's life does not exist frok M's perspective unless its time spent with her. I support both of us attendaning at event for our daughter to no avail and my daughter is slowly realising who the blocker to a more wholesome future is.

I am now in a new relationship of 3 years with a new 8 month old daughter. My eldest daughter is now struggling, will not hold her, barely comforts her unless in view of adults. M has said she has no interest in talking to our daughter about the new circumstances - (8 month old circs!), has no interest in meeting my partner. Life still does not exist on our side of the fence.

My partner has an 8 yr old, behaviour is completely the opposite, warm and affectionate.

I wondered if others have found this.
Is it split loyalties?
Feeling of loss of me as her dad?
Just a phase?
She seems to think the baby does not like her which is not true and I wonder if she is projecting because she has to share space and her world now.

Thanks for this, it's a great post and is real food for thought! Much appreciated!

Not at all, this guy sounded awful. Given the choice Id have not met him given the stories Id been told. He was just making life really hard for my partner so I took a chance

My response was not meant to cause you offence. If no contact works for you for 20 years - well more power to you for nailing your solution.

Thanks thats where ive moved to with more space and slower transition. Its a balance as my partner is less supported as a result but we are trying to find ways of working

Do you think this is healthy for your girlfriend and her DD. Having dinner with their abuser every week just so they can see how much better you are?

Cool. Basically, stick with it. A sibling is ALWAYS a good thing. More love. And little kids are adorable. Your daughter will fall for her little sibling's charm eventually.

Also - I haven't read the full thread but can imagine you'll be roasted by some posters. Men always are on mumsnet. But having read all your posts, it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. For some people, a break up makes them unhinged in all manner of ways. I've seen it happen with women I know where the focus of their lives becomes getting even. It's such a shame, and a waste of energy. I really hope your ex finds some kind of happiness to distract her from trying to poison yours.

That's for this really encouraging to read.

Im totally confused. Dont know who's who here. Is it just me.

Oh give over. He says that what his stepdaughter wants - to have both parents together. Given they have collectively decided, for whatever reason, that the ex will continue to have parental responsibility and contact with the child, what on earth is wrong with having dinner together if all parties consent and it's driven by the child's wishes.

Some of us support women fleeing these situations professionally and can see right through men like the OP.

'Look my girlfriend can forgive her abuser and have dinner with him every week, so be a good girl and fall into line. Look what Daddy's new girlfriend does, why is Mummy so mean refusing to do that for you?'

This.

I think it's quite a stretch to infer that from the OPs posts. Another read could be that he's doing the pretty normal thing of comparing comparable co-parenting relationships in a situation where there are two sets of co-parents. And that (as he says) it's not his choice to have dinner with the ex - but driven by the child's wishes. If he'd pushed it I might agree with you it was off but he literally says he wouldn't have wanted to.

Who knows, maybe you're right. But it's also possible that there are men out there who are fundamentally decent (my dad, my brother, my sons amongst them) and women out there who are a bit crackers (several of my friends and ex-friends, my aunt... etc).

Why did you send me secret flowers when I said you were passive aggressive and I was out? What’s your motivation there?

By secret I mean flowers only I could see. Flowers that are unsettling.

@Changingdemands I appreciate that you're doing your best.

That said, I need to point out it's inappropriate to keep inviting your ex to family therapy and her refusal doesn't mean she's being difficult. You've split /divorced, she's maintaining an appropriate boundary. It isn't right (or fair to your daughter) to frame this as her being difficult or denying an opportunity for happy families.

Some of your descriptions aren't always clear to follow on first reading. I've asked before, does your 9 year old daughter have her own room at yours?

It's really important that she does so and really important she continues to do so when you and your partner eventually move in together. You shouldn't move in together unless you can provide your first child her own room.

What do you say to your daughter when she asks why you and her mum don't do more together?

I'm concerned that while you may think you're being honest, you're actually being very unfair if you're explaining to her it's because 'mummy doesn't want to'.

You need to accept that your ex's choices about how much she has to do with you and your new family isn't up for judgement. Her boundaries are entirely appropriate.

So next time your daughter asks why mummy doesn't come to dinner with your new family, I hope you explain that it doesn't always work that way when parents split up and that's ok.

Otherwise, what you say could veer into the territory of parental alienation and the person harmed the most by that would be your daughter.

I have made a couple of assumptions in this post, I'm not trying to be unfair to you and again, I can see you're doing your best. But that doesn't mean your judgement is balanced here so I'm just...flagging it.

Not a clear post. English not first language? You are dad. Ex is mum. Shared custody. Your daughter is a person in her own right and doesn't need to go gaga over the new baby. You sound entitled and immature.

It is an accumulation of everything he says in this thread and the previous one. Fixated on ex he split up with in 2018. Knocked up a woman fleeing abuse quickly. Ex tried to block contact. Fought for 50/50 and left DD with parents as he works nights/long hours. When parents couldn't manage anymore looked for an au pair/nanny and got girlfriend pregnant around that time. Tricked ex into thinking friend lended money towards property so he still feels ex owes him. Pushing boundaries with ex and trying to normalise this with his DD. Blaming DD for normal behaviour and comparing to SC. Using 'therapy' to try and gain insight into the behaviour of others rather than focusing on himself in the sessions.

Sending creepy flowers when called out (and yes, I have a screenshot).

Even just the lie about “first time posting” is odd when AS exists.

He’s not exactly father of the year. He had a baby with someone he doesn’t even live with. So that’s another child that has been introduced to this situation with a part time dad. It’s so selfish.

Via PM?

It's for the child to decide how she feels about having a half sibling. The bond may come naturally or not at all. Realistically, no kid ever enjoys the idea of their parents having more children by different people and the sibling relationship is never going to be as strong as full siblings, even more so if they are split between houses and have large age gaps which is the case with your daughter. This is something a parent has to accept whether they like it or not.

No. Reactions are only seen by the person you send them to. And he reacted with the flowers reaction to me calling him passive aggressive. Amd saying I was out.

and I feel honestly so uneasy and creeped out it’s not true.

Yep - he’s forgotten we can see his thread from 2024

That is creepy. I can see why you feel uneasy.