Daughter rejecting half sister

[Changingdemands]

My daughter is 9 from a previous relationship. (M) Has battled me for sole custody for 7 years. My position (F) is our daughter needs us both and its always been that way. Our daughter's life does not exist frok M's perspective unless its time spent with her. I support both of us attendaning at event for our daughter to no avail and my daughter is slowly realising who the blocker to a more wholesome future is.

I am now in a new relationship of 3 years with a new 8 month old daughter. My eldest daughter is now struggling, will not hold her, barely comforts her unless in view of adults. M has said she has no interest in talking to our daughter about the new circumstances - (8 month old circs!), has no interest in meeting my partner. Life still does not exist on our side of the fence.

My partner has an 8 yr old, behaviour is completely the opposite, warm and affectionate.

I wondered if others have found this.
Is it split loyalties?
Feeling of loss of me as her dad?
Just a phase?
She seems to think the baby does not like her which is not true and I wonder if she is projecting because she has to share space and her world now.

I think you need to be prioritising quality 1-1 time with your DD and not pressurising her to bond with her new half-siblng. Also stop blaming her mother for the lack of immediate bond and take responsibility for your own life choices.

You need to spend a lot more time with your original DD alone - with nobody else, no gf, no SS, no new baby. Alone.

If your new df doesn’t like that becuse there’s a newborn to care for… well you should have thought of that before bringing a new child into the world.

Your daughter is probably feeling replaced. I would say though it's not a 9 year olds role to comfort a 8 month old baby nor hold the baby if she doesn't want to.
The more you try to force her sibling on her the more she will probably retreat.

It's also not your exs role to smooth over or talk to her about the situation or meet your new partner.

You need to build up trust with your daughter, spend 1 on 1 time with her as well as in a family setting. Focus on that and making her feel safe and secure with you.

Of course the baby doesn’t like her, most babies are largely indifferent to everyone except their primary caregivers, which your daughter isn’t. Babies are really boring, intrusive and a bit gross. Some people and some kids love them, some don’t.

Objectively, why would your daughter be interested in this new baby? What positives does the baby currently bring to her life? Why is spending time with the baby better for her, right now, that literally anything else she could do?

You wouldn't find it odd that a mother doesn't want to meet her child's sibling?

We make a fuss of neighbours, colleagues, acquaintances babies that have no impact on our own lives. You 8yo daughter having a baby sister is such a special close relationship. Aren't you interested in the important people in your most important person's life?

I have (well, had) less than no interest in meeting my ex’s child that he has had with his new partner. Why would I?

Personally I wouldn't either, much like pp. It's only a baby, just the same as all the other babies, and not one I'd be spending any time with, so what's the point? You can be supportive of your child without going and looking at the baby.

(And I can imagine the new partner might not be keen on having to show off her baby to the ex-wife.)

A child needs mom and dad. A child doesn't have to like some stranger's children you introduced into her life without her permission. She is probably jealous daddy has a new family and nobody cares about her. Why are you forcing her to hold some stranger's baby? Just stop.
Patchwork families work out only in the movies.

Because it'll be an important person in your daughter life?! And for her to have healthy relationships as an adult and be secure in her place in her family.

Personally I have no interest in my 4yo stick collection but I still look at it with her and chat about them. So she knows her opinions and interests matter.

There's a lot of you with big issues, I really hate accidentally stumbling onto the step board.

"strangers baby". That her dad's baby. At 8 he should be one of two the most important people in her life. Why would you downgrade that and turn her into an adult with issues.

Grown ups can split up, you don't all have to hate each other and be odd about.

Your poor daughter - she is only 9, her parents don't get along clearly, she has a stepsibling who presumably lives with you and a new baby thrown into the mix. That's a lot for her to cope with! Your expectations of her are unreasonable. She needs to spend time with you, one-to-one and you need to show her through your actions that she is still important and that she's not being replaced by your 'new family'. Don't worry about trying to force a relationship with the baby, that will evolve naturally over time. Instead, concentrate on your relationship with her - you're her dad, she needs you and she needs reassurance that you still love her as much as ever.

Don't try and involve your ex in persuading your daughter to accept the baby either - it's not her job to intervene. Instead, try and work towards a co-operative co-parenting relationship. As difficult as it is, it's important for your daughter.

This is great advice and exactly what I would say. My son was great with my baby but lost interest as he got older and hit his teenage years lol. Now they are both older they have a strong brotherly bond largely built on them sharing interests in same sports etc. Things change and move with time but putting pressure on anyone to form a relationship never helps.

Your relationship is 3yrs young... presumably your daughter didn't meet your partner 3yrs ago? So then she met her dad's new girlfriend, was introduced to her dad's new girlfriends child when? That's ALOT. Then presumably they moved in with you? Pretty big thing for a different child to be in your dad's house everyday and you don't see him every day. Then 1.5yrs into your new relationship, your new partner is pregnant.

That's a whole lot of upheaval for a child from 6-8!

Also, maybe she just has no interest in a baby? My stepson (albeit older) had very little interest in his half-sibling and is only recently coming around to actually playing etc now that his sibling is toddler territory.

But the weirdest thing is.... why on earth would your ex who you don't get along with... want ANYTHING to do with your new partner and child?

My ex was abusive. Damn right I hate him. I’m so glad my kids are now adults and I never have to speak to him again.

I don’t get why I have to meet the woman he shagged whilst we were married and buy a gift for their baby. That’s weird.

I have a 5 yo with my second husband, and two other older children (16 and 18) with my first. My ex-husband has never met my 5 yo, and I would never want him to!! She is nothing to do with him.

Bluntly OP, the only person in your new family that your child is really interested in is you.

Her father lives in a house with his new partner, and her child - who presumably has that house and you and their mother as their main residence and carers - and now not only does one child she doesn't know have more of you than she does, but there's a baby, who belongs to that situation and will live 100% with you as she can't.

You love the people you've brought into your life, you have the bonds with them, she doesn't. She doesn't have to have those bonds, she may never have those bonds, it may be that it's only ever you that she wants to be with. Fitting in with 'if you want to retain what bits of me you can, then it's conditional on you playing happy families with whoever I'm with and the other children it involves' (realistically this may not be any more of a long term relationship for you than it was with your dd's mother and she may have to cope with more than one new partner/children of yours in her life), is not an easy or happy place for a child, and it makes your love conditional. Your life and your home is somewhere she visits.

The question isn't how can you fit her into your life in a way that's convenient for you - and the words you're choosing about your partner's child are rather speaking, you want her to show being warm and show being affectionate, and to be easier - it's about how you go on fitting into her life. I would suggest backing right off, removing all the pressure, and trying some time with you and her going and doing things alone together, work on the relationship you will have with her for a lifetime which will be just you and her. Most of all, show her that she has not been replaced.

Some of your expectations are very unreasonable.

Most divorced parents only talk about life at the other house if their child brings it up. It’s like school in that I am happy to listen to a story about what happened but they aren’t required to talk about it.

Why does your ex need to meet your current partner? Most divorced couples don’t meet each other’s new partners and everything is fine.

Did you think that your dd would be happy about a new baby because you’d watched social media videos? Some of those are AI and many are families where the siblings grow up together 100% of the time. Your dd isn’t unreasonable to (wrongly) think that the baby prefers the other 8 year old and clearly feels insecure about her position in the family.

Pushing her to cuddle baby in front of other adults is performative bollocks. Do you do it because you knowledge she won’t decline or is it so that you can keep up the fake pretence of a happy blended family? Blended families are complicated and not treating dd like the individual she is is very unfair. Stop pressuring her and she may surprise you one day. Comparing her to her step sibling is the worst thing that you can do.

You seem to want to control other people’s actions. Let your ex decide who she sees and when. She has no need or requirement to meet your new family. Nor does she have to have any kind of relationship with you, if she doesn’t feel it is productive.

Let your daughter decide what relationship she chooses with her half siblings. She doesn’t have to act the same way as your perfect step-daughter. She is old enough to know her own mind and have her own feelings about it.

Why do you think you can provide a “wholesome life” and her mother can’t?

Am I the only one who found the OP confusing?

I thought M and F were male and female and that it was the 8 year old who didn't want to meet the partner.

It’s a very confusing post and I can’t work out who is who, but I just wanted to make the point that my DCs were completely ambivalent towards their baby siblings. They became more interested as baby grew and became more ‘interactive’ (for want of a better word). Babies can be extremely boring!

Don’t force the baby onto her. Try to include her and make her feel loved, but stop putting expectations on her as to how a big sister should behave. This isn’t necessarily just a blended family issue.

Do you spend any one to one time with your DD? Does she get to have quality time where she is 100% your focus? I don’t go for love bombing, but I have always spent individual time with each of my children doing something that they love - cinema, pizza, day out shopping, etc - as well as together. You need to foster that relationship to ensure she understands you love and value her. This is especially important if she is only with you 50% of the time and (it’s not clear from your post) that the step-sibling and half sibling seem to be with you full time? Do you try to ensure that the step sibling is with their father sometimes during your DD’s visit so that she can call the shots on TV and activities, or is she always sharing space/compromising within your home with the step sibling?

All of these things matter.

I know many people here would say DD needs some counselling, but really I think you and she need to do some together to explore and understand how she is impacted by your other relationships, how the household routine might prioritise her at times, how you can sometimes shift the dynamic with new DP/baby when she visits.

I did not attend any of my then child’s events with her father for many years. This was due to his what’s now known as coercive controlling behaviour. 30 years ago, CC behaviour wasn’t recognised in law, neither was there such a thing as marital rape. Fortunately things are very different these days.

Same.

It's interesting that you are quick to point out DD's lack of compassion/empathy BUT you don't seem to be showing any for her.

I think you need to spend some time thinking about why she would be acting this way because to most here it seems fairly obvious.

She feels like she has been pushed out for your new family. You seem to have a lot of expectations for her AND are comparing her to your new partner's child.

She doesn't owe you acceptance of your new family. YOU owe HER a smooth transition into a very changing family life because YOU are the adult.

Spend more time with her, ALONE, and she might just feel comfortable enough to open up to you about her concerns.

So to address the posts, thanks to ALL replies.

Some context. My ex does not support me at all. We were never married. I paid for her to find a place and unbeknownst to her donated 80k for her house deposit which she believes came from a close friend. I pay voluntarily for our daughters school fees and will for her next school, the alternative is my ex wishes to home school our daughter, surrogate for a need for 5 days of custody every 7 days. She has no credentials and sought to remove our daughter from a stable and nurturing small school by court order which was not given the time of day

My ex's father has a SHPO against minors, my ex wishing to put contact in place barred by criminal court and social services, was the focus of two private court proceedings she initiated.

I met my partner in Dec 2022. I split from my ex in 2018. My partner and I are nearly 40 and we both wanted more children, risk goes up, time is /was running out. My partner had an abusive ex and together we have worked on a relationship which allows a lot of free flow of conversation and my partner's daughter to see a relationship that is productive and child focused. My daughter sees that too which leads to some questions about why she cannot have that and that is hard as its not for want of trying

Our 8 month old is very happy. My 9 year old, the focus of my invitation for insights, was very close and very excited by the idea of having a sister. This behaviour of distance only began a few months ago.

Finally the man vs woman debate which jas also been raised. People are people. Men can do just as much harm as women. Its about a focus on the best rhing for the child. For the responses questioning my previous actions to have caused all this and what behaviour am I doing now thats justifying my ex's behaviour which the inference is I deserve...our relationship was not working in 2015 after 2 years together. I sought to end it, we were just not compatible. We gave it more time. It didnt work despite best efforts but really went downhill when my exs father moved in with us overnight from abroad and remained for 36months essentially preventing any earnest conversation or intimacy we may have redeveloped. He got into trouble at my daughters school a few times which I had to intervene with as my ex was scared of confronting her father.

I listen to what my daughter asks -cliche but true and im honest about what we can and cannot achieve (e.g. please can both mum and dad be at my 10th birthday (my answer has been for the last 7 years - yes she is always welcome and an invitation is extended, mothers day cards and day and mums bday is always supported - nil likewise and I dont mind that - I only post as some of the replies here have been disappointing devicive))

I take an approach to make things better and build bridges rather than undermine or seek advantage. I've never had an interest in leverage. It simply undermines any hope of future cooperation

To the question I originally asked

1. Ive invited my ex to family therapy 3 times over the past 7 years most recently jan to may 2025 after which my ex left again. In that setting she said she has no interest in supporting or talking to our daughter about my partner, new baby or any difficulties she might be experiencing. She has no interest in meeting. She has no interest in joint activities or discussion. All fine

1. I imagine my ex well might feel threatened but if we have no dialogue (0 we communicate via an app at her request but we do not discuss anything. If I raise a question its just ignored e.g. swap days / school kit / attendance at school trips. For this reason as an example I have triple of everything for when it gets stuck at my exs house, lost at school my daughter has what she needs. Enabling yes but a strategy that means i dont have to stress about no school shies coming back home, missing swim kit or similar.

I've had discussions specifically about not replacing anyone, my daughter was actually worried she was being replaced and was happy to find thats not the case though shes getting used to less spotlight. We are adding to a bigger family.

My partners ex comes round for dinner every Wednesday. My daughter wants that for me and her and her mum too, again my ex has no interest to support and I accept that

Hopefully that answers most criticisms and questions until I review again

Thank you to the responses adding insight. To anyone else who reads this and responsds, first thank you for your time. I realise I am likely making lots of mistakes along the way none of this is hollywood make belief. Hence reaching out for insights NOT validation or approval. This is not a pity post.
Secondly before you hit send, please ask yourself if your post is adding or subtracting. You are not just replying to me but to the community. The majority of what I've read so far is just pitching man vs woman. I've come from a home where both my parents got new partners after divorce and my brother and I didnt much care and became fiercely independent. I am now close to both sets of my parents as is my 9yr old daughter and her half sister and step sister.