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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepchildren slagging me off to their bio mum… advice pls

141 replies

mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:21

I have 2 female step children, both girls. One is 11 and one is 16. The 16 year old doesn’t slag me off nearly as much but finds fault to moan about to her dad (my partner) such as I was being too caring for offering to buy a packet of sweets for her as the most recent example! The 11 year old doesn’t say rude things to me but her tone of voice is really bratty and you can see her giving me side eyes. It’s grating. Her language (swearing, body shaming and name calling) towards her dad is appalling and makes me feel so cross. He does tell her sometimes but on a whole allows it. I limit the time my young son spends around them because of this. Both constantly going back to their mum and twisting things so then she texts making sarcastic comments to my partner and it just makes things awkward between me and his children when I come round. I now want to go there less when they are there, meaning I will hardly see him as he has his children 6/7 days a week and there is no sign of this changing!!

The ex wife hates me for some unknown reason (never met)

How do you cope??

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 15/02/2026 18:22

Find yourself another boyfriend?

Pearlstillsinging · 15/02/2026 18:28

Well they are not really step children and presumably don't see you as part of the family. They may well be of the opinion that their parents woild get back together if it wasnt for you, no matter how unrealistic that is.
It is pretty easy to avoid them if you don't live with their Dad so that's probably the best thing to do.

Original poster
mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:28

Soontobe60 · 15/02/2026 18:22

Find yourself another boyfriend?

If only it was that easy hey. I really care about him and see a future. He is good when they disrespect me just not to her foul language and name calling to him, or standing up to his ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:30

Pearlstillsinging · 15/02/2026 18:28

Well they are not really step children and presumably don't see you as part of the family. They may well be of the opinion that their parents woild get back together if it wasnt for you, no matter how unrealistic that is.
It is pretty easy to avoid them if you don't live with their Dad so that's probably the best thing to do.

This is it. They don’t see me as family. Even though I treat them no different to my son, without being over bearing. Don’t even feel welcome in their house anymore.

He has them 6/7 days a week and even for a couple of hours on the 7th day too to take them to a joint club, so it isn’t sustainable to have a relationship with him if trying to avoid them or I would :(

OP posts:
plentyofsunshine · 15/02/2026 18:32

Can't you just see him without his kids? Surely you did that when you were first dating.

Otherwise, I'd say you've got a boyfriend problem not a stepdaughter problem. How do you know the ex wife is texting him sarcastic comments?

Original poster
mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:33

plentyofsunshine · 15/02/2026 18:32

Can't you just see him without his kids? Surely you did that when you were first dating.

Otherwise, I'd say you've got a boyfriend problem not a stepdaughter problem. How do you know the ex wife is texting him sarcastic comments?

At the start he had them 5/7 days so saw them on the 2 days he was free but then ex wife demanded he have them more. she’s a lazy parent. Wants an easy life.

He shows me the texts, we are very open with each other.

OP posts:
TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 15/02/2026 18:34

I would personally concentrate on your side of things. Say something like 'everyone needs to talk to each other nicely and how they'd like to be talked to themselves' and leave it at that. You can't really control what they say to their bio mum but you can encourage good behaviour when they're around you and pull them up on it, again and again if necessary. Use simple terms and we and us terms. Such as 'everyone needs to...' and 'we all..' so no one feels targeted. It could give less room for backlash also. If you don't see an improvement, talk to her dad again

MidWayThruJanuary · 15/02/2026 18:34

So they live with him full time and see their mother for a couple of hours a week?

Original poster
mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:35

MidWayThruJanuary · 15/02/2026 18:34

So they live with him full time and see their mother for a couple of hours a week?

Yes! It’s dreadful. She does a couple of school drop offs and collections and a day and night a week that is it. All times I’m at work too.

OP posts:
Original poster
mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:36

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 15/02/2026 18:34

I would personally concentrate on your side of things. Say something like 'everyone needs to talk to each other nicely and how they'd like to be talked to themselves' and leave it at that. You can't really control what they say to their bio mum but you can encourage good behaviour when they're around you and pull them up on it, again and again if necessary. Use simple terms and we and us terms. Such as 'everyone needs to...' and 'we all..' so no one feels targeted. It could give less room for backlash also. If you don't see an improvement, talk to her dad again

Thank you, this sounds like a drama free approach. X

OP posts:
MidWayThruJanuary · 15/02/2026 18:36

How long have you been in this relationship?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2026 18:36

There’s no man on earth I’d put up with this for, I’d far rather be single.
but also - he isn’t a great person is he like you’ve claimed since he isn’t able to parent his children very well. He seems to go for non conflict which is really cowardly shit parenting when they need discipline. Not someone I’d call ‘great’ tbh.

plentyofsunshine · 15/02/2026 18:36

mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:33

At the start he had them 5/7 days so saw them on the 2 days he was free but then ex wife demanded he have them more. she’s a lazy parent. Wants an easy life.

He shows me the texts, we are very open with each other.

Show quote history

See, he doesnt have to show you those text does he? Why do you think he wants you to know that his ex wife is saying horrible things about you. If I loved someone, I'd protect them from that.

Original poster
mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:38

arethereanyleftatall · 15/02/2026 18:36

There’s no man on earth I’d put up with this for, I’d far rather be single.
but also - he isn’t a great person is he like you’ve claimed since he isn’t able to parent his children very well. He seems to go for non conflict which is really cowardly shit parenting when they need discipline. Not someone I’d call ‘great’ tbh.

See I do think this about the parenting! How would you bring it up?

OP posts:
Original poster
mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:38

MidWayThruJanuary · 15/02/2026 18:36

How long have you been in this relationship?

11 months

OP posts:
MidWayThruJanuary · 15/02/2026 18:39

I think I’d decide that relationship wasn’t for me .

FrozenFebruary · 15/02/2026 18:40

They are not your step children, not by a long way. She is their Mum, not bio mum.

You have a boyfriend problem & shouldn't be inflicting this situation on your Dc.

MissMoneyFairy · 15/02/2026 18:40

They are not your stepchildren, they are your boyfriend's children do they live with him, can he come over to yours instead, the younger one doesn't sound very happy, would they prefer to live with their mum.

FrozenFebruary · 15/02/2026 18:41

mushypealover6000 · 15/02/2026 18:38

See I do think this about the parenting! How would you bring it up?

Show quote history

I wouldn't, I'd walk away, your DC deserves better than to get embroiled in this drama.

FuzzyWolf · 15/02/2026 18:43

Sounds like he’s deliberately provoking you by showing you those messages and enabling him ex to keep sending them.

You don’t get on with your boyfriend’s children and vice versa. Given they live with him pretty much full time, the relationship isn’t going to progress to go anywhere. You need to end things.

Enrichetta · 15/02/2026 18:43

Put your own child first and walk away.

ChikinLikin · 15/02/2026 18:43

If I were you I would back away and see him and his girls much less. It's not fair on your son to mix him up in all that drama.

Rolluprollupadvice · 15/02/2026 18:47

Walk away. I’m a step mum (13 years in) and a happy one at that, and it’s clear these kids can’t have another adult in their lives right now.
Sorry it’s harsh. It really only works when the timing works for everyone.

MissMoneyFairy · 15/02/2026 18:48

Tell him you're not going round anymore because you feel uncomfortable and don't like the way they speak to him, it's up to him to stop the messages and help his daughters accept his marriage is over and he has a new partner. I was in a similar situation but with younger children, one was horrible to me, I just stopped going round or out with them, life's too short. What happens if you have a child with him when there's already so much jealousy and spite around. I'd spend the time with your own son, ge doesn't need this crap in his life.

Burntt · 15/02/2026 18:50

How did he not stand up to his ex? I don’t understand how he needs to seeing as he has the kids the majority of the time it’s will be on him to address the children’s behaviour and parent how he sees fit during his time. This isn’t his ex fault if his kids are jit great this is his?!

why is he showing you his ex texts? That seems like he loves the drama. You have never met his ex and only been together 11 months- so for you to know his girls are mean about you with their mum is ridiculous!

id walk away. Only 11 months in and it doesn’t look like this is going to work for you