Stepchildren slagging me off to their bio mum… advice pls

[mushypealover6000]

I have 2 female step children, both girls. One is 11 and one is 16. The 16 year old doesn’t slag me off nearly as much but finds fault to moan about to her dad (my partner) such as I was being too caring for offering to buy a packet of sweets for her as the most recent example! The 11 year old doesn’t say rude things to me but her tone of voice is really bratty and you can see her giving me side eyes. It’s grating. Her language (swearing, body shaming and name calling) towards her dad is appalling and makes me feel so cross. He does tell her sometimes but on a whole allows it. I limit the time my young son spends around them because of this. Both constantly going back to their mum and twisting things so then she texts making sarcastic comments to my partner and it just makes things awkward between me and his children when I come round. I now want to go there less when they are there, meaning I will hardly see him as he has his children 6/7 days a week and there is no sign of this changing!!

The ex wife hates me for some unknown reason (never met)

How do you cope??

I avoid the step parenting forum as much as possible.

Horrible unhelpful place full of bitter nasty women. More interested in telling OP the “correct” terminology for the ex wife than helping her.

nothing changes.

I never ever understand these posts and there’ll be at least one on all these threads.

is it the advocating for the children involved that upsets you so?

I do think step mums get a really raw deal on here 99% of the time. However, on this occasion, the OP is either rage-baiting or completely deluded.

What are you getting from this relationship?

What is it costing you?

How likely is it that things will change?

I'd answer those questions VERY honestly and go from there.

Best wishes OP

Yikes OP, please take a step back.

You might love the man but moving in, buying a house and having a baby are all terrible ideas.

He can’t discipline his girls, he prefers to upset you over putting in boundaries with his ex, and his girls’ behaviour is strongly detrimental to your son’s wellbeing when with you.

I wouldn’t see anyone as a mother figure after 11 months - think this makes you the mad one!!

And before you start, I am very pro step-mums, I am one myself, and I know how hard it is.

But come on, get some perspective here … 11 months!!!! You are no way a mother figure in this picture and the kids are making it quite obvious they don’t want this! This is too much, too soon!!

And why the hell are you planning this when the poor kids are so unsettled and unhappy!!! Jeez, this is everything wrong and backwards here.

Op has only known the girls for 6 months, she is not a step mother, she is the dads girlfriend, his girls have been pushed about, perhaps they don't want a stepmum in their lives or someone staying over every weekend , we don't have all the facts.

Seconded!!

He's challenging them and discplining them when they are rude to OP, but not to him, Im not sure that is avoiding conflict, seems he is picking his battles perhaps.

Thirded! If that’s even a word! 😂

The OP is really throwing herself around here and it’s absolutely no wonder why the daughters can’t stand her. All of a sudden, these 2 girls have a woman in their home, 3 or 4 nights a week, who they only known for 6 months. It’s wrong on so many levels. And the fact that OP seems to believe she is a stepmother to these children is just delusional. Again, it’s no wonder the girls can’t stand her.

OP, you’ve come across so badly here. These girls are telling you clearly they do not want you around. Yet you are here basically saying you don’t care about their happiness or comfort, all you care about is what you want, which is an accelerated relationship which makes 2 children very unhappy… and then, to add insult to injury, you want to add another child to the shit show just for good measure.

God I wish these girls all the best with dealing with you in the future, they’ll need all the help they can get I fear.

This absolutely sums it up!

Well my DC has never met his dad’s wife as his dad hasn’t bothered seeing him for years and his wife obviously isn’t overly troubled by that either. But by your logic that would make her my DC’s step mother, just because she married some man? Whereas some couples choose not to get married but are really involved with each others DC - but they don’t count?

I would personally reserve the word "stepmother" for describing the married partner of a parent, in the same way I would reserve the word "wife" for a married partner despite the fact that many unmarried partnerships are emotionally as important. Interestingly, the people I know with the best of these sorts of relationships have explicitly not used the term stepmother anyway given some of the connotations (though that's just a couple of anecdotes).

However, the bigger picture here is OP is not in any parental relationship at all with these teenage girls - she's known them for six months and from her posts she clearly does not have the emotional capacity at this time to care for them as a parent anyway / they certainly don't see her as one. The father and OP seem to be car crashing this whole family into a complete mess with their inability to prioritise the needs of 3 (potentially soon to be 4) children over their own desires.

Not asking for your opinion of my post .

HTH

You’ve hit the nail on the head here!!!