Stepchildren slagging me off to their bio mum… advice pls

[mushypealover6000]

I have 2 female step children, both girls. One is 11 and one is 16. The 16 year old doesn’t slag me off nearly as much but finds fault to moan about to her dad (my partner) such as I was being too caring for offering to buy a packet of sweets for her as the most recent example! The 11 year old doesn’t say rude things to me but her tone of voice is really bratty and you can see her giving me side eyes. It’s grating. Her language (swearing, body shaming and name calling) towards her dad is appalling and makes me feel so cross. He does tell her sometimes but on a whole allows it. I limit the time my young son spends around them because of this. Both constantly going back to their mum and twisting things so then she texts making sarcastic comments to my partner and it just makes things awkward between me and his children when I come round. I now want to go there less when they are there, meaning I will hardly see him as he has his children 6/7 days a week and there is no sign of this changing!!

The ex wife hates me for some unknown reason (never met)

How do you cope??

I would tell him what you’ve said here. You really care about him and see a future but can’t put up with their attitude towards you and you don’t want your dc picking up on it. Then leave him to deal with them. Yanbu to find this behaviour rude and grating. But it’s up to him to sort it out.

I think it’s a massive over-reach to call yourself a stepmother after dating these girls’ dad for less than a year and to refer to the children’s actual mother as a “biological mother”.

A big step back in your thinking is required; these girls may feel you are far too intrusive with your perception of you all as a family when you’ve barely started to get to know them.

They don’t see me as family.

After 11 months of dating I would hope they wouldn't consider a parents new girlfriend family. It would be strange if they did.

At this early stage their parent should only be vaguely considering introducing his kids.

A boyfriend is meant to enhance your life, be fun, make everything easier. This one is not, so don't date him any further.

Both mother and father need to address and deal will the 11 year old behaviour. But as you don't live their you aren't the step parent, in the kids eyes you are the woman stopping dad and mum getting back together

Sorry to be brutal. But they don’t consider you as family, because, you’re not. They’re not your step-kids. They’re your current boyfriend’s children. C’mon! Can you honestly not see why two teenage girls whose parents have split up may be threatened by you? Situations where teenage girls or boys for that matter, welcome Dad’s new bit of fluff with open arms and everyone gets on well is just bollox for 90 percent of split families.

I would hate the thought of either of my parents being with someone else. If I was 11 I would find it even harder to cope with.

Cut them some slack. Ease off a bit. If you’re in it for the long haul, these teenage years will be very tricky indeed.

So why are they not giving their mums boyfriend of 6 months any stick??

How do you know they are not?

How long have the parents been separated?

Best off not analysing it, they've been abandoned by their mother, they'll be doing traumatised behaviour like fawning etc.

It doesn't sound like an enjoyable situation for you or your child, and this is the honeymoon period.

Coming up three years. The mother texts my partner to say it must be an issue with the ‘hussy’ he has picked to be in a relationship with as they really like her boyfriend.

Thank you. I hadn’t thought of it like this. X

but then they’re hardly there to see her boyfriend because they’re always at their Dad’s.
I agree you need to back off and that you have a boyfriend problem.

and how do you know they’re slagging you off / you may find they’re being pumped for information and are really torn with those loyalties.

Because if they’re with their Dad 6/7 days per week and their mother only does the odd school run as you have claimed they can’t ever see the Mother’s bloke can they?

Perhaps the Mother has had the foresight not to let her children spend too much time with a casual partner of only 6 months.

Because he’s there safe space.

I was about to say something else but then saw you've only been with him for 11 months. So when did you meet them? Presumably only a matter of 2 or 3 months ago? So you are not their stepmother.

I'd dial it back, don't ever go there when the kids are there, maybe just go out on a date once a week. You don't need a relationship with them yet, not for a long time.

You don't know who is telling who what, there's no need form him to discuss you with his ex, her new relationship is none of your business . I'd tell him you don't want to see the messages any more and really he needs to put a stop to it. Do you know why they split up. I'd stop trying to be their mum or their friend, if they are there if you do decide to go round just be polite, don't try too hard, don't ever discuss their mum and if it starts getting unpleasant just go home. Don't let your son get involved in this shite.

How happy is your dc having them around?

You don’t know that they aren’t. Just because the mother says they like him doesn’t mean they do. She seems like an unreliable witness, but also, as others have said, if they barely spend time with her, they can’t see him much either.

How often are you there OP? Their dad's house is basically their full time home and it is annoying having someone there all weekend, taking up their dad's time, cooking what they want instead, dominating the living room... it's not nice but that's how it feels for children in these situations.

Luckily he has a good dad so spends 60% woth me and 40% woth him so he doesn’t have to be around them constantly

Normally once mid week for the dinner and an hour or two before their bed and the night and then I’ll see them for an hour before school. Then every weekend

Maybe they'd like to see their dad on his own every other weekend, is there a compromise. Do you have to see them midweek morning, can you stay in the bedroom out the way, it does sound unpleasant.,does your son ever spend the weekend with them,

That probably is too much for them. They're being snippy but I would be too eventually if I had someone in my house every weekend and I had no choice over it.

Because they already know their mum is useless and will push them off to their dad's at the first opportunity.

They can't risk upsetting her by criticizing her new boyfriend. But they can gain positive attention from her by playing up for their dad and being rude to you.

This is never going to work as a blended family. Be blind if you want, but it won’t.

They don’t like you and they don’t see you as family. After 11 months, YOU shouldn’t even see yourself as “family”, and you definitely shouldn’t be treating the same as your own child.

You are overstepping, he is a crap parent, and this has disaster written all over it.

What a bloody good perspective this is. I’ve never seen it like that but it would make sense. That is so sad for them. I can’t imagine how that would affect the way you think, confidence and insecurities etc