Stepchildren slagging me off to their bio mum… advice pls

[mushypealover6000]

I have 2 female step children, both girls. One is 11 and one is 16. The 16 year old doesn’t slag me off nearly as much but finds fault to moan about to her dad (my partner) such as I was being too caring for offering to buy a packet of sweets for her as the most recent example! The 11 year old doesn’t say rude things to me but her tone of voice is really bratty and you can see her giving me side eyes. It’s grating. Her language (swearing, body shaming and name calling) towards her dad is appalling and makes me feel so cross. He does tell her sometimes but on a whole allows it. I limit the time my young son spends around them because of this. Both constantly going back to their mum and twisting things so then she texts making sarcastic comments to my partner and it just makes things awkward between me and his children when I come round. I now want to go there less when they are there, meaning I will hardly see him as he has his children 6/7 days a week and there is no sign of this changing!!

The ex wife hates me for some unknown reason (never met)

How do you cope??

This is what I am asking for advice on from people who have been in this situation. Not bitchy responses.

Ultimately his kids should and are coming first and it sounds a very difficult dynamic for him and the girls with their mother.

This is someone you’ve been seeing less than a year, not a long term relationship and it’s already proving difficult, and will only get worse.

Be kind to yourself here and leave them to it.

That's ridiculous, there are loads of people in their lives who are important to them, and their dad, they don't all need to be mother figures! They can be close to the gf without her being their stepmum, it's no wonder the dds don't think much of you if you're forcing a sm role onto them!

With respect, I don't think people are meaning to be unkind or judgemental. But it IS a brand new relationship. It's been less than a year. I'm assuming you didn't meet the kids until at least six months into it (which I think is still really really early), so only five months. Being there every single weekend when they've known you for five months is a huge amount. People are just suggesting you step back, regroup, take it slower, give them more time to adjust

We are clearly very different. If you’re planning to move in or buy a new home with your partner, and try for a baby in the next year, yes I think you can call yourself their step mum.

I feel 11 months is quite long but can see why people would say 5-6 months of them knowing me is not. Thank you for the kinder approach. X

I think you can call yourself what you want but it seems unlikely those 2 girls will ever consider you to be their step mother.

You’re not their step mum you’re their dad’s girlfriend. I don’t think this is working after a year, I’d call it a day.

Yes we are, I wouldn't dream of moving in with dc who weren't 100% on board never mind bring another child into the mix

Why on earth would you want to move in here, let alone have another baby to introduce to this already complex situation

those poor girls

What is a step mum then?

Why should his children dictate what we as adults do? They can always spend more time at their mums if they are so unhappy I’ve been nothing but but kind to them

Maybe because we love each other? And have to be happy too?

There are plenty of actual stepchildren who view step parents as father/mother figures, but also plenty who don’t. The ones who don’t are not wrong or mad.

Theres also plenty of actual step parents who don’t view themselves as parent figures. They’re not mad or wrong either.

So why is it mad for a mum or dad not to view them as such?

FWIW, I do view my DC’s SM as another parent figure to him, but I do so in the knowledge that he feels that way and so does she.

Would you really bring your own son into this challenging situation?

You have insanely unrealistic expectations here - they are teens which tend to be sarky to everyone - and you want them to treat you like family even though you've dated their father less than a year, don't live with them and have not built a good relationship with them. Move on for their sake, if not for your and your own child's sake. You don't have the right attitude to be a productive addition to their life.

And this is what I’d like it to develop into

You're welcome! So my advice, for what it's worth, would be to slow slow slow down. Take the kids out of it - both yours and his. Have your time together less often and away from the kids. You never need to see them and he doesn't need to see your son. Take it slow and see what happens in a year or two or three. If you're off the girls' radar there won't be any further issues and you can see where you stand in a couple of years. Moving in after that time period may still not be welcomed by his girls (or your son) but that's a decision you can make with a different lens.

Seriously! Their dad's wife for a start.

Some people don’t agree in marriage or care for it. They can still be a step parent

That would be an incredibly selfish thing to do to all children in this scenario.

I'm bowing out now, I can't believe this is even true and that someone would be so self absorbed, mind blown!

If you want to make these girls really hate you, by all means proceed with this extremely accelerated plan that is clearly not taking them into account in any way.

He loves my partner

One word here
SELFISH