Stepchildren slagging me off to their bio mum… advice pls

[mushypealover6000]

I have 2 female step children, both girls. One is 11 and one is 16. The 16 year old doesn’t slag me off nearly as much but finds fault to moan about to her dad (my partner) such as I was being too caring for offering to buy a packet of sweets for her as the most recent example! The 11 year old doesn’t say rude things to me but her tone of voice is really bratty and you can see her giving me side eyes. It’s grating. Her language (swearing, body shaming and name calling) towards her dad is appalling and makes me feel so cross. He does tell her sometimes but on a whole allows it. I limit the time my young son spends around them because of this. Both constantly going back to their mum and twisting things so then she texts making sarcastic comments to my partner and it just makes things awkward between me and his children when I come round. I now want to go there less when they are there, meaning I will hardly see him as he has his children 6/7 days a week and there is no sign of this changing!!

The ex wife hates me for some unknown reason (never met)

How do you cope??

After eleven months?

What is with women forcing kids into blended families, especially when two out of the three kids are clearly unhappy about it?

Yep, after 11 months

Agreed, I feel so sorry for those girls. None of the adults in their lives seem to be acting in their best interests.

They are unlikely to ever be your 'step children', especially the 16 year old because she's frankly too old for that and will never see you that way. I was a similar age when my parents separated because of my dad's new girlfriend (now wife) and 35 years later I have never viewed her that way.
I would step aside from it all and ignore them if they behave badly to you. Chat to them and get to know them, but don't try to parent them, that's their dad's job. They probably see you invading their home and don't like it. It would probably be better if you spent less time there at weekends so that they had more time alone with their dad.

Poor kid.

You need to step back. You are not family, however much you try to convince yourself otherwise. It doesn’t matter what you think, they don’t see you as a stepmum or mother figure and they’re the only ones who matter in that regard.

I’m out, clearly we’re all wrong and you’re right. I’m sure you’ll all live happily ever after.

I have my doubts about this too..

You've been together 11 months. You are not remotely in step mum territory! It's nice that you care but you are being ridiculous frankly.

What is step mum territory then?

Omfg. You would be an absolute fool to do this. But hey, your life. Go for it. Enjoy.

and by the way - no one here is being bitchy, they are in fact trying to help you, you just aren’t able to hear opinions that don’t align with yours. I’m not really sure what you want to hear - you are brilliant, your basically husband is brilliant and a perfect dad, you absolutely are these girls you shouldn’t even know yet step mother, they’re awful, the ex is awful. Not sure how any of that stops you from continuing to live a life you couldn’t pay me to lead, and I certainly wouldn’t put my own child through.

so. I’ll tell you now. This 11yr old is about to get a whole lot worse, and will continue to for the next at least 5 years. Add a baby to the mix and you will be beyond miserable. Your son will likely go no contact as soon as he is able for the life you are forcing him on it. That’s the reality. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

🤣🤣🤣 you are either goading people now, or you're not very bright. At this point I'm not sure which it is.

You are not a step mum stop calling yourself that! No wonder his dc have issues with you and so does mum (And that's mum not bio mum!!)

At not being “open” that is shit stirring. Showing someone insults that someone else has said amount that have no relevance is dumb.

who cares what his ex who sees the kids 1 day a week has to say about you. What purpose does it serve? There no response, you’re not going to engage. It’s just feeding the drama.

This ain’t gonna work

This is nasty. If your son was unhappy would you tell him to move in with his dad?

So they met you by accident and you’ve been there every weekend since? Can they get a bit of breathing room?

why would you bring a baby into this? That is insanity.

It’s not about children dictating what adults do. It’s about adults understanding that when they choose to bring a child into the world, they have an obligation to put that child’s interests first, or at least give them equal consideration in decisions that will impact them.

That thinking is not in evidence anywhere here, it seems to be all about what you and your boyfriend of less than a year want, with the children expected to just mutely accept these massive changes to their lives.

You seem to have no ability to understand the children as individuals with their own valid feelings.

Frankly, these kids can say anything they like to their mom - stop trying to police what they say about you when you aren't even with them. Maybe they don't like you much? It's allowed, you know. My daughter isn't keen on her dad's long term partner, and tells me so - why shouldn't she? She's allowed to have opinions, and to express them. She's polite to the woman's face (as it sounds like these kids are to you) and that's all anyone has a right to ask of her.

The ex wife of course shouldn't be stirring by repeating it to your boyfriend, but your boyfriend is the real one causing problems here, by then repeating it to you....

I think your insistence that you want to be a mother figure to these kids is bizarre. That's not something you can insist on or force. Kids only ever have two parents at most. You could one day have a positive relationship with them of course, but that won't come by insisting on it and demanding it.

If I were you I would rethink the relationship with your boyfriend. He seems to be deliberately hurting you by sharing his ex wife's texts.

You also say your son "loves him". I would worry about that. Presumably he has only known him about 6 months at most - aren't you worried that he already loves him? What if your relationship doesn't work out - won't that hurt your son?

I'd take things a lot more slowly if I were you (if you must take them anywhere at all). For the sake of all concerned.

I think those girls have probably got the measure of you.

What sort of future do you see with this man? How would things be any different than they are now?

Children don’t dictate. Good parents prioritise meeting their children’s needs, rather than a new relationship.

The neediest children are the ones presenting as unpleasant. That’s the exact time you need to lean in and give them all the love, attention and boundaries they need.

Your partner is drifting along and trying to keep everyone happy. He needs to prioritise his children at this point. Especially as they have such a useless mum and know they are unimportant to her.

And you are unwilling to back off and let him give his children the comfort they need at this delicate time in their development.

You are also damaging your son by making him spend time in this unpleasant environment.

Make the relationship more part-time for the time being.

For a start you need to be married or in a civil partnership, after that you have no legal rights unless you apply for pr. The 16yo is an adult.

Not helpful - not in the slightest.

Unless your DP 100% supports you with a united front then the relationship will not work!
Resentment will set in her will always side with his children. They are old enough to understand this and realise just how easy it is to play their mum and dad off against you.
Leave now before it gets nasty......

I also think that it’s really a term that should be decided on by the kids. When they view and value their parent’s partner as a kind of parent and want to use the name, that’s when it becomes valid.

To be honest I think “step-parents” are kind of an outdated notion these days and rarely apply to the reality of post-separation relationships.

The term was more relevant back in the days when it was more common for a child to completely lose contact with a parent through death or divorce (mums ending up with full-time care, mostly). These days care arrangements are often more balanced, and we also understand fathers are perfectly capable of parenting and don’t need to bring in a “step-mum” to do the “women’s work” .

Please trust me when I say this. Blended families do not work.