Stepchildren slagging me off to their bio mum… advice pls

[mushypealover6000]

I have 2 female step children, both girls. One is 11 and one is 16. The 16 year old doesn’t slag me off nearly as much but finds fault to moan about to her dad (my partner) such as I was being too caring for offering to buy a packet of sweets for her as the most recent example! The 11 year old doesn’t say rude things to me but her tone of voice is really bratty and you can see her giving me side eyes. It’s grating. Her language (swearing, body shaming and name calling) towards her dad is appalling and makes me feel so cross. He does tell her sometimes but on a whole allows it. I limit the time my young son spends around them because of this. Both constantly going back to their mum and twisting things so then she texts making sarcastic comments to my partner and it just makes things awkward between me and his children when I come round. I now want to go there less when they are there, meaning I will hardly see him as he has his children 6/7 days a week and there is no sign of this changing!!

The ex wife hates me for some unknown reason (never met)

How do you cope??

Oh goodness just walk away now. You can’t seriously see a future here? His girls are always going to be around, they don’t like you, their mum is always going to exist… 11 months in and all this drama already really isn’t worth it and it’ll get worse not better!!

I just don’t see it as fair having to walk away from someone I’m falling in love with because of one of his children misbehaving and his ex. Such a crap situation

I agree. They sound desperate for his attention, which I totally understand if the mum is always palming them off. As I said, I think maybe you being their every weekend after only 11 months is just way way too much. Step back and just see their dad for a date during the week maybe

Why are you trying to parent his children at all? By that I mean treating them the same as your son. They are your very recent boyfriend's children at difficult ages and they see you as exactly what you are, someone who isn't their parent or their family.

Don't you think you've wasted enough time on this? Your young son doesn't need such a weak parent (the boyfriend) in his life either.

It’s only 11 months
you have your own son (I first read this and thought you meant a son with this partner but thankfully for you not the case!!)
he has 2 bratty girls and an awful ex

you have no reason whatsoever to stay

why on earth are you saying you “see a future” here - I’d be running for the hills!!!!!’

My xh has a gf of 4 years, they don't live together and, quite frankly, I wouldn't be impressed if she was referring to herself as SM and me as BM...I'd throw this one back, sounds like far too much angst for little reward!

Listen to yourself op. Not many dm's would say luckily their dc was at their df's 60% of the time..

You didn’t answer the question…

You being there every weekend, and presumably your DC also being there every other weekend is unfair on them, especially when they haven’t known you long. Doesn’t sound like they’ve been eased into this set up at all.

Then you are the controlling jealous type! 4 years is ages. Be happy there’s another person to live and care for them!

It shouldn't be this hard less than a year in. Leave.

Read it properly. I have him 60%, his father 40%. What is wrong with being happy he has a great dad to spend a good amount of time with?

Absolutely not, I get on well with the gf, there is no animosity but she is their father's gf, not a mother figure. My dds get on well with her which is brilliant, and I'm happy about, but she's a girlfriend not another parent. Xh would say that too, and he wouldn't consider himself a stepfather to her son....mad!

In the kindest possible way though if you’re not willing to walk away then you need to just accept this is the relationship and life you’re settling for and will only get worse as they get older.

Unfortunately this man isn't in a position to be in a new relationship, he needs to spend his time settling his daughters down, reassuring them that they are the most important people in his life, because they are obviously not important to their mum, who doesn't spend much time with them.
You would do better to walk away.

Quoted for truth! Some women are just waaaay too keen to position themselves as a parent to another women’s children, without asking themselves whether these children even want or need a second “mother”.

Sorry but we will have to agree to disagree. If you don’t want a very important person in your ex husband and children’s lives to be seen as a mother figure then you are in fact mad.

You’d be walking away from something that can’t work. Falling in love with him can’t be done in a vacuum. The real him is the one with two unhappy destabilised daughters who feel threatened, an ex-wife who sounds determined to hate you, a potentially bad environment for your DC that he has to be kept away from. And is he a good dad if he has introduced you to children after a few months? Is he really responding effectively to their needs? It’s highly unlikely these factors will improve any time soon.

Sometimes you’ve just got to accept that the person might be ideal but the circumstances that come with that person make the relationship impossible

🤣 damned if you do, damned if you don’t on this site!

Op, when did you meet the girls?

Most people don't think it's fair these two girls have had a woman their father barely knows forced into their lives, calling herself their step mum and blaming them because they don't like her. You sound incredibly selfish.

There is absolutely no “fact” involved in what you are saying.

You're not the SM and the kids don't want you to be. Time to take a big step back, and very possibly call time on the whole relationship.

It’s been nearly a year, not a week. Time for people to get a grip on here I think.

How do you think it’s going to work though?

After 5 months, wasn’t planned, the mother dropped them off at her exes house whilst we were there on his and my child free day! Without warning