Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

BF makes no effort with my kids

53 replies

Mummypig81 · 25/07/2025 17:57

Posting this again as my last post was taken down as I had duplicate accounts! I 43F have been with my BF 51M for six years now. I have two daughters aged 7 and 10. She has two grown-up daughters. We get on really well and have lots of shared interests, but even after six years he has minimal interaction with my children. He comes to my house when they go to their dads and he leaves when they get back. He does occasionally pop in when they’re home but doesn’t tend to hang around as he clearly gets stressed out by normal children’s behaviour i.e. being noisy, bickering and wanting attention. I recently booked and paid for a holiday abroad for us both and my girls in the hope that it would strengthen our relationship. He spent most of his evenings sitting on his own away from us, on his mobile. He was constantly tutting and sighing. If the girls ever acted up, he would say “ I knew this would happen” or “ I knew she would do this” . He’s especially strict with my eldest daughter. I think she reminds him of his oldest daughter who no longer has a relationship with. They do get on when the girls are ‘ behaving’ but the girls do prefer it when he’s not around. Our holiday has proven that we have very different parenting styles and that living together whilst I have young children could never happen. Do I end it and concentrate on being a mum or live a double life keeping my relationship and children separate?
I have asked him to keep his distance since of holiday while I evaluate things. He says he loves all of us and feels awful that he has ruined our holiday.

OP posts:
Yellowbirdcage · 26/07/2025 05:43

He’s a grumpy and tired middle aged man who has done this all before (not very well either if he’s estranged from one of them).
Horrible that you’re putting your children through this.

butterfly1234 · 26/07/2025 06:52

I think there are two options here:

  • accept that he wants a casual bf/gf relationship and stick with seeing him separately from your children.
  • if that is not something that you want, then accept that your lives are not compatible and end it.
Needlenardlenoo · 26/07/2025 07:09

The part that jumped out to me is he doesn't see his own oldest child.

Think about that.

He's dropped the relationship with his own actual child.

Lurkingandlearning · 26/07/2025 08:04

Keep your relationship with him completely separate from your family might work. But long term that’s going to be fairly limiting and might feel awkward. But it would always be in the back of my mind that he was either unwilling or incapable of adjusting his behaviour and be pleasant to my children and leave the parenting to me.

Snoken · 26/07/2025 08:28

Why would you subject your children to this man? He cannot even have a relationship with his own child and he clearly is not someone who enjoys children, but yet, you have given your poor DDs no choice in the matter.

How can you say he has never done anything bad to you? He is being mean to your DDs, that is doing something to you. You are the one who should be protecting your children's wellbeing and you haven't for the last 6 years, ie, pretty much their whole lives. Awful and selfish parenting.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 26/07/2025 08:37

He shouldn't have any interest in parenting them, they are not his kids.

The fact he has no relationship with one of his own kids should be warning enough.

Stop subjecting your children to abuse.

Mummypig81 · 26/07/2025 09:08

BusterGonad · 26/07/2025 05:35

I think I've read exactly the same thing from this poster a few months ago, and exactly the same answers were given!

I can assure you, you haven’t. I haven’t posted on here for years.

OP posts:
PolyVagalNerve · 26/07/2025 09:08

EG94 · 25/07/2025 23:35

I’m confused. When step kids are irritating but tbf it’s kids in general, step mums are encouraged to walk away, spend time alone, go out, take the space they need but this guy same rules don’t apply.

other peoples children aren’t for everyone. If he’s not mean to them and doesn’t agree with your parenting rather than stepping in he keeps his distance.

i feel for this chap

But ….. in this situation, OP is not asking this man to parent her children !!! She seeks perfectly clear on that -

she is hoping he can tolerate being in the same space as her children some of the time -
and the chap has said and evidenced that he CANNOT tolerate even being in the same space !!

that IS a problem, in a committed long term relationship with someone who has kids

Mummypig81 · 26/07/2025 09:19

Thanks for your replies. I would like to add I’m not forcing anyone on anyone. The holiday was booked with everyone’s consent and we were all excited to go. It just highlighted my concerns.

My daughters don’t hate him, they just prefer it when he’s not around. He doesn’t hate them, he just doesn’t want to be a step dad. He doesn’t abuse them, he overly strict and has little patience. Something I’ve identified as an issue.
Im willing (and increasingly likely) to end a relationship with a man who I get on well with, because it’s best for my family. Please don’t assume I’m selfish.
Thanks so much to those who offered genuine advice, and not so much to those who prefer name calling. It’s all been taken on board.

OP posts:
workshy46 · 26/07/2025 09:22

To be fair I think this is a you issue not a him issue. You tried to blend the two worlds when it was clearly something he didn’t want or was going to want. He’s already raised two children and they are adults .. personally no way would I want to go back to the small child phase. I don’t see an issue continuing the relationship separately to the kids but if you want to blend and a dad figure for them then this is not the man for you. He should also not have gone on holidays .. appalling behaviour.

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 26/07/2025 09:25

his oldest daughter who no longer has a relationship with. at this point of reading I thought this is a nasty man. I wouldn't invest emotionally in him myself. Anyone who doesn't prioritise their own children has poor morals and values and would not be my boyfriend or even my FWB to he honest.

You're doing the right thing by questioning this OP- and definitely don't foist him on your children. I actually think now you are noticing his grumpy immature style with young people, you'll start to find him less attractive anyway.

summerskyblue · 26/07/2025 09:27

'' I think she reminds him of his oldest daughter who no longer has a relationship with.''

This man was not a good father to his own kids so there is no chance that he will do better with yours...

End it.

Your kids should not have to be in contact with a man who is sucking the joy out of their holidays and who wants nothing to do with them/considers them a nuisance.

Always put your kids first.

Sarfar45 · 26/07/2025 09:32

End it. My stepdad ruined every family holiday and was generally an abusive idiot and made my teenage years miserable. I still haven’t forgiven my mum for staying with him.
Put your kids first at the moment.

Sarfar45 · 26/07/2025 09:37

Sitting separately on holiday and huffing and puffing every night probably made everyone feel like they were walking on egg shells.

mightbetheone · 26/07/2025 09:37

Yeah this would be a deal breaker for me. He is showing active dislike and annoyance towards your kids. It’s one thing to not be a natural with children but to not even try, to just sit there sighing and moaning about them….i don’t think I could ever be attracted to someone who did that to my dc.

furryfrontbottom · 26/07/2025 10:09

He either isn't interested in kids, or isn't interested in your kids. Neither of those things makes him a bad person, but he is clearly not the right man for you.

Snoken · 26/07/2025 10:20

Mummypig81 · 26/07/2025 09:19

Thanks for your replies. I would like to add I’m not forcing anyone on anyone. The holiday was booked with everyone’s consent and we were all excited to go. It just highlighted my concerns.

My daughters don’t hate him, they just prefer it when he’s not around. He doesn’t hate them, he just doesn’t want to be a step dad. He doesn’t abuse them, he overly strict and has little patience. Something I’ve identified as an issue.
Im willing (and increasingly likely) to end a relationship with a man who I get on well with, because it’s best for my family. Please don’t assume I’m selfish.
Thanks so much to those who offered genuine advice, and not so much to those who prefer name calling. It’s all been taken on board.

This makes it almost worse. This is the bar you have set for your kids. They have consented and are excited to go away with a man who openly dislikes them. They don’t know anything else because he has been in their lives since they were too young to remember. It really is up to you to not involve people who makes your kids lives worse and who makes them uncomfortable. You need to show them healthy relationships, not this.

Elmaas · 26/07/2025 15:10

6 years this has been going on?

His own child doesn't want contact, because of his behaviour which you have allowed him replicate with yours.

He shouldn't be near your children.
They don't want to be around him, they prefer it.

Could it be any clearer.

Mummypig81 · 26/07/2025 15:52

Elmaas · 26/07/2025 15:10

6 years this has been going on?

His own child doesn't want contact, because of his behaviour which you have allowed him replicate with yours.

He shouldn't be near your children.
They don't want to be around him, they prefer it.

Could it be any clearer.

Not exactly. When they were little he was much more tolerant. Also because of our living arrangements at the time, there were few opportunities for him to spend time with them. As they’ve gotten older and more self aware and perhaps more challenging, he has backed off.
He is a highly emotional person who suffers a lot from anxiety. He says he feels like he gets in the way and that he isn’t liked. Ive realised he suffers badly from victim mentality, believing everyone and everything is against him.

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 26/07/2025 17:18

Jeez do you need to ask us? Of course you should end it. He doesn’t like your children (or, probably, any children) and they can tell. If you stay in this relationship your children will feel that he was more important to you than they are. Also - he sounds like a prick. Just end it.

Elmaas · 26/07/2025 20:16

Stop inflicting his shit on your children.
They deserve better.

Mewling · 26/07/2025 22:43

Fuck his anxiety. He’s making your kids unhappy. Six years! I despair.

Yachties · 27/07/2025 05:33

It’s pretty clear what everyone on the forum is saying. Some good advice here.

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2025 06:04

If you continue to date him you need to accept this is a separate relationship from your family. If I were you I wouldn’t want to merge the family based on his behaviour. If you don’t want this type of relationship for the next ten years you need to end it

BusterGonad · 27/07/2025 06:24

Mummypig81 · 26/07/2025 15:52

Not exactly. When they were little he was much more tolerant. Also because of our living arrangements at the time, there were few opportunities for him to spend time with them. As they’ve gotten older and more self aware and perhaps more challenging, he has backed off.
He is a highly emotional person who suffers a lot from anxiety. He says he feels like he gets in the way and that he isn’t liked. Ive realised he suffers badly from victim mentality, believing everyone and everything is against him.

He's playing you like an old fiddle. What a load of crap.